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I feel So Guilty and Alone Right Now


soporcogitavi

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I Just thought I'd update everyone, and also thank all those who supported me (please see below for the story). Its been almost 3 months and I have no regrets with my decision, I feel like parts of my personality that I once was missing have comeback, I feel like a new man. I must admot i was tempted the frist few weeks to go back on my decision but since then each day I felt more and more confident. THANK YOU ALL for everything, your great words and motivation.

 

I have to say, i've been on a rampage since, ive been on almost 20 dates, just having alot of fun, and ive been seeing a potential prospect for 2 weeks now, nothing serious but enjoying myself. I have found new insight into myself, and know whta i want to be happy. Im actually going to Europe for a month backpacking and doing things I felt I was inhibited to do before.

 

In my heart and in my head I have made the right choice.

 

Thanks Again!!!!

 

Not Confused Anymore

 

 

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Feb 05/10

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just ended a 5 year relationship, i felt disconnected and out of love. We fought alot and the arguments often turned verbally abusive, and at a couple points she actually hit me. She told me she would hit me because i wouldnt give her time to calm down when we fought, that i would smother her. I had been debating for a serious time whether i should end it as we had commited 5 years to it and owned a property together. I decided to take a chance and find happiness elsewhere.

 

Yesterday she called me and told me she wanted me to tell her to her face that i wasnt in love with her. She said she would wait for me at my house, i told her this was not a good idea as my grandmother is there right now, and i dont want to get her involved. I told her we could talk if she wanted to meet me at my office after i was done. She Agreed. I went to the Gym and when I got back i received a text from her saying "I will not meet you, you need you time". So i got home and found all my stuff from her house in bags, i called her and asked did you come to my house today, she said yes i got to your house at 2pm, and spoke to your grandmother about everything for 3hrs, then left. She told me she deserved more then just a talk at my office, that that was impersonal. She also told me she sent a long email to my brother. During our break up process, i would confide in my family and my grandmother because she stays with us, she told me she didnt like how my grandmother was always at our house, and she didnt like that i told her some of the problems going on in our relationship.

 

Now it seems my family is turning against me, telling me i didnt handle things right, that i have to call her parents and talk to them about all this, that how did i not realize this earlier and why did it take me 5 years to realize this. There telling me im going to have to figure out what to do with my life now and if i am going to hang out with my loser friends, they're not losers but obviously because they dont have girlfriend or live at home they're losers. Like all this isnt enough. This is exactly why i didnt want my ex to talk to my family first. Now i feel like ive made the wrong decision, she called me at work today, after i told her i couldnt talk about this at work anymore, telling me she was sorry she spoke to my family, and that she cant hold on anymore knowing that i dont want to be with her.

 

Im a grown man and i feel like im not being respected by my family.

 

All this is making me feel like i made the wrong decision and i should give our relationship another chance.

 

Please let me know your thoughts, negative or positive.

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I think talking to your family behind you back is her trying to manipulate the situation. She knew what effect it would have and it seems to be working. If you decide to stick to your decision, then I think you need to tell your family that you are making this decision for your own happiness, tell them your sid of the story. If they are still going on at you, then simply tell them you do not want to talk about it.

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Hi, I'm so sorry you are having such a painful and difficult time.

 

I have to say that I am siding with you on this and how you feel about her going to your family about your break-up. It is really none of their business...this is between you and your ex-gf. Family should indeed be there for moral support when you need it and want it. It sounds to me as though she is trying to get them to side with her in an effort to coerce you back into the relationship.

 

Just my two cents, but I think you two should take some time away from each other. Try talking to her about going no contact for a while and see how you both feel after a period of time. The violence thing is alarming. She should NEVER hit you, EVER! That is wrong. Don't let her pass blame on you for her actions. Physical violence is wrong on all accounts in a relationship. Sounds like she could use some Anger Management.

 

Good luck to you.

 

God Bless

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As much as they may love (or hate) you, your family's opinions should not influence your decision making. It is your relationship and future, not their's. Plus, your ex was utterly wrong to go behind your back and involve. That it an utter no-no, even if she is hurting.

 

What is boils down to is whether or not you are in a toxic relationship. It sounds like you are if there are frequent arguments and physical violence. Experts say that when physical violence appears things are likely to get worse (particularly for battered husbands for some reason) so the signs are not good. Therefore it matters not what anybody else thinks, only what you think. If it feels in your best interest to end it because it has no chance of working then that is the right decision.

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she tells me that she's been short tempered, and verbally abusive towards me because she's been freustrated that she has no money because she has been in school for the last 3 years so she feels she has no control over anything and she has to rely on me for everything. So shes frustrated, and stressed, she has always had a job before this. She tells me she hits because i dont let her walk away when we fight and i insist on solving the situation so she feels smothered. She insists taht she can change and fix things, and she loves and om the only one she ever wants to be with. She has also told em that she needs to know if this is for sure because she can not hold on to ope anymore, so my guess is that she would not want to take a couple weeks of NC.

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but you see...those are all excuses as to why she feels it is ok to be emotionally and physically abuse. It is NOT ok! True love in a relationship means nurturing and caring and supporting each other...not taking their aggressions out on each other.

 

You are not a punching bag...those are available to purchase, maybe she should buy one.

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So you guys dont think this behavior will change, even if i do have a hand in provoking it? Sometimes i can be stubborn and not listen to her when she talks. I guess my biggest worry is that things get better and we stay committed, i marry her and have kids and this resurfaces again in a time of stress. IE. planning a wedding, buying a house, kids. I guess im heartbroken because at one point i did see myself being with her forever.

 

My parents also made me feel bad saying that its alot of time to thorw away, and that it takes time for a person to change, and her family has been really good to me.

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Like others said it's your decision to make BUT I've in some ways had to deal with a somewhat similar situation. She didn't involve the family first, OP did. Personally I think you should keep your family out of it altogether. The relationship was between you and her, not you, her and grandma, etc.

 

With my ex, she went to her family, playing the victim. Only saying that I was mean, she wasn't happy, etc. She never once bothered to tell them *she cheated on me* which was what really broke things. When her dad contacted a week later to coordinate when to move her stuff out I finally couldn't restrain myself and told him what she did.

 

If you want to talk about issues in your relationships to your family, don't expect them to be off-limits when things go bad

 

*Edit* I should mention that her other behavior was inexcusable though.

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So you guys dont think this behavior will change, even if i do have a hand in provoking it? Sometimes i can be stubborn and not listen to her when she talks. I guess my biggest worry is that things get better and we stay committed, i marry her and have kids and this resurfaces again in a time of stress. IE. planning a wedding, buying a house, kids. I guess im heartbroken because at one point i did see myself being with her forever.

 

My parents also made me feel bad saying that its alot of time to thorw away, and that it takes time for a person to change, and her family has been really good to me.

 

umm.. shes had a pretty good amount of time to change, and the fact that theres stress in life never changes. Also, Its not the best idea to stay with or marry someone on the premise that they will change.

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So you guys dont think this behavior will change, even if i do have a hand in provoking it? Sometimes i can be stubborn and not listen to her when she talks. I guess my biggest worry is that things get better and we stay committed, i marry her and have kids and this resurfaces again in a time of stress. IE. planning a wedding, buying a house, kids. I guess im heartbroken because at one point i did see myself being with her forever.

 

My parents also made me feel bad saying that its alot of time to thorw away, and that it takes time for a person to change, and her family has been really good to me.

 

People can change. But it takes time and it's only if they want to change.

 

I think your problem is bigger than hitting. The hitting is merely fallout from what is really making the relationship toxic, namely your conflicts. She can agree to stop hitting, you can agree to let her speak more during an argument. But ultimately the conflict is clearly still there. The issues causing the fights remain. You need to indentify what causes the arguments in the first place, and then decide whether or not these are areas in which you can resolve differences. Ultimately if you are arguing a lot, which is sounds like you are, there are likely to be too many issue and incompatibilities for you to ever make it work. That means you will have an unhappy marriage and you will eventually bring kids into a home that is negative and unloving.

 

I really think you need to ask yourself whether or not you want this present situation to be in your life forever. I know it can be hard. We so desperately wish things could right themselves and everything fall into place. But sometimes there are occasionas when, not matter how much you love someone, you just can't get along with them.

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I just dont understand how it took me all this time to realize this, its been five years there must have been something keeping me in this relationship, it just feels so dissapointing that im already 27 i have committed so much time to this, our families were close, and honestly no one really ever knew the extent of the problems we had, this is a shock to alot of people.

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I just dont understand how it took me all this time to realize this, its been five years there must have been something keeping me in this relationship, it just feels so dissapointing that im already 27 i have committed so much time to this, our families were close, and honestly no one really ever knew the extent of the problems we had, this is a shock to alot of people.

 

Despite our personality conflicts, my ex and I held on and on and on in the hope that we could solve our remaining problems. Things did change, but not nearly as quickly and fully as we needed. But why did we keep on? Because we loved each other and we were desperate for it to work. That hope is no doubt what has kept you going. A denial that there were problems that may never be resolved.

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I've been in a situation where families got involved and it is very annoying and unfair. Do not let them influence you(you seem to have come to this conclusion already), and just realize that it's a big change for everyone and you may have to hear about it for a little while but you will both be happier ultimately.

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I was supposed to go over to her place tonight and talk to her, i ve just called her and told her i will not and that my decision stands. Also my family just called and apologozed to me, told me they had gotten rapped up in the emotions.

 

Good for you. I am glad your family is supporting you. Stick to your guns...don't go over there. Like I (and a lot of others here) said earlier...there is no excuse for abusive behavior. Don't be so hard on yourself...the reason you stayed was because you were in a rut...you were just used to that type of behavior. Once you are out of that situation, believe me, it get's easier and easier. I speak from experience. My ex-husband was an emotionally and physically abusive and dangerous man...I stayed with him FAR TOO long! I know better now.

 

Good luck

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Sometimes people stick with things for different reasons. My girl was with her ex for 5 years and she didnt even love him. she stayed with him cause she felt sorry for him (he had alot of issues) and if she left him, he would break. Obviously she finally left him but people hold on for all the wrong reasons.

 

5 years is a long time and you have to dig deep down and see how you feel. who cares how everyone else feels. ITS YOUR LIFE!! Im with a girl now that the first 6 months i knew 150% she was the one i am marrying but then she started making mistakes with friends and a temper started to rise so now im not as sure about marriage but one thing i do know is i am in love with her and im willing to give it more than the year we have been together to see what happens. Question is, are you in love with her or not? Do you care enough to seek counseling or her seek anger management? There has to be promises and ultimatums to work if thats what you decide. People can change some things but not all things. I used to do exactly what you did to your girl when fighting and got some of the same results. you know what i did after a while? i just walked away and let her have her fits. I let her look like the idiot while i kept my cool. After a while she admitted to it.

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  • 2 months later...

a seperation is a private affair and decision between 2 individual. no one has a right to tell u whether its right or wrong, or whether u should or should not do it. its your happiness and no one is responsible for it other than yourself. its your own life, live it to according to your wishes , not others.

 

i am happy for you and i wish u the best in the future!

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