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Please...help me stop being jelous!


InNeed2009

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Hey all,

 

Went through a rough patch from Sept - Dec of last year, you can read my posts if you'd like, however, this one is about me being too jelous now.

 

I am acting stupid and an being idiot. In my heart I want to trust her with everything, but my mind plays tricks on me and makes up scenarios, which in turn, make me ask stupid questions that make us fight.

 

This morning, I asked how she speaks to clients, specifically guys for example, as she is in sales. Like, a client had moved positions and had emailed her saying hey, haven't spoken in a bit, I miss you....bla bla bla, nothing bad really.

 

Now this guy is getting married and has a fiance as well, but, I question whether or not she responded with oh I miss you too bla bla bla...now I know, that isn't bad if she did, but my mind as I was thinking about it, made the I miss you more than it really was.

 

She explained it, they are my friends I have known them since before you, and they are only my friends from 8 - 5...and I am not going to stop being nice.

 

Anyways, you can see where that conversation went.

 

I want to stop, thinking bad things, cause really, everything is so perfect, it really is, and I hate myself after we fight, because now, I am like, oh no, are we gonna go back to Sept - Dec?

 

Any advice, please...feeling pretty Damn * * * * ty this morning.

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I've struggled with extreme jealousy in my relationships, the only thing that ever helped was writing down a detailed list of my thoughts at the end of each day and rationalizing them. (actually have to write them down, merely going through the thinking process isn't nearly as effective).

 

So for example, when you hear about this email, you may think something like "Oh my, she flirts with these guys, she doesn't love me enough to be faithful, she may cheat on me"....

 

Then identify the thinking errors:

-Overgeneralization - just because she has these emails, doesn't mean she is flirty or being unloving.

-Jumping to conclusions - just because she is friendly, doesn't mean she isn't faithful or is cheating on me.

Also write down everything that she does that shows how committed to you she is, that way we aren't committing the "mental filter" error where we ignore all the positive signs in the relationship.

 

You can google "10 cognitive distortions" and the first link or two should help you identify some of these. They are mainly used for treating depression, but can be used to identify many other faulty thinking processes.

 

Not sure if it will work, but you have nothing to lose if you give it a try. You might be surprised if you stick to making this list, how much your thinking process improves. Also, be sure to focus on your thoughts that are triggered, not the actual event that causes it. Its our thoughts that cause our reaction, we do not react to the situation directly.

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