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Meeting with the ex tonight, what do I say?


czjnkn

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Should I just talk about my life and what's going on with me and listen to what she says what's going on in hers? I don't want to blatantly blurt out that I want to get back together because that'll never work, but at the same time I don't want to give the impression that I've finally accepted her as just a friend.

 

Also, we never discussed where we were going or what we were doing. I'm sure she'll ask. Should we just go have dinner or something or would that give her too much of an impression of me tying to make it like a date?

 

I have such high hopes that we'll have a good meeting and maybe she'll say something about missing me and show signs of wanting to try again, but at the same time I keep preparing myself to hear that she's seeing someone or says she can't ever be with me again like I've heard before.

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i think you should try and play it cool. i think she'll make it clear if she wants to come back. it will be a good meeting i'm sure. keep it friendly with her and be civil. maybe this meeting could be a reunion meeting if it isn't for any other reason but don't get your hopes up.

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Unless you get the news from her she is seeing someone else (but why would she be meeting with you?) I'm not a believer in totally keeping it cool. People do respond, if there are emotions on their part, to feeling passionately cared for. It doesn't have to be verbal gushing, but there are ways to communicate non-verbally that you are totally into the person. When you play it too cool they may get the feeling you're not that into them. The last time I re-united with my husband I played it cool in the sense of not being overboard but also let him know I am madly in love with him. I was willing to "hang out" casually if that's what he felt comfortable with him. It took several months but we eventually reunited. If you're really crazy about the person and you want to get back together, don't give up too easily.

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Is this the one that complained of your not being open with your communications? If that's the case, do try to focus on that. Take a few hours before, or one if you can, to get yourself really relaxed. Try not to let your insecurity about whether or not she is into you get in the way of your being yourself. Even if you don't feel it, act confident. Confidence is a great aphrodisiac and the opposite a turn-off. Put lots of focus on her and how she's doing. Care about how she's doing in her life and share with her as much as you can about yourself. It might be good to have an activity in place, maybe poker or something like that as well so it can be just plain fun on top of getting to know each other again.

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Well I haven't heard back from her yet about if and when she'd like to meetup. She gets out of work in about 5 minutes and I expect I'll probably hear from her about 30- minutes to an hour after that. I'm getting really anxious feeling. I keep getting an image in my mind of her questioning why I want to see her and then rejecting me.

 

At the same time knowing that she looks at my facebook, has been seeming jealous or at least very nosy about girls that I hang out with, and still trys to contact from time to time to see how how I've been gives me a little glimmer of hope.

 

Of course I don't expect to see her tonight and hear "I'm so sorry I left you I want you back, etc." If there even is a chance, I think tonight will be more of the "reunion" as was said before. Mayeb a chance for both of us to feel each other out, view changes, and see where we're at. My two biggest fears are hearing she's seeing someone or that she has finally decided to move out of state, which she had previously talked about. If those things come up, I can't promise myself I won't react to them.

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I met her last night. She asked on the phone what I wanted to do and I already froze up, same ol' problem. She suggested we go separate our cell phones, I figure we might as well at least get it out of the way.

 

She continually asked me why I wanted to meet and what I wanted to talkabout. I kept trying to avoid it. When I avoided that she asked about the girl I hung out with, wanting to know if we hung out lately etc. When I said it didn't matter she kept asking simply because she was nosey, as she said.

 

We went back to her friends she was staying with so she could change her pants before we decided what to do. She didn't feel very well and we just sat there all night and didn't really talk about anything. She took me back to my car and we sat for a minute and got out, said goodbye and left. She texted me as soon as I got home and said that she shouldve gotten a neck rub from me before I left, damn!

 

I replied and said she shouldve asked and said have sweet dreams and have a good day the next day. I figure she must not be seeing anyone or wouldn't have spent 5 hours with me on Friday night. That settles me a bit. There wasn't really any flirting except for possible the text message after I left.

 

Should I just try to meet up again with her and just blurt out I'd like to take her on a date and see how things go and that maybe we could take things slow?

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Things seem to be going well. Do NOT ask her for a date, it's waaaay too soon yet.

 

Keep it casual and friendly. A date is pressure and obligation and you don't want that as it will only hurt your chances.

 

At the moment you're both testing the waters and while nothing is guaranteed, that is totally expected and how it should be. If you jump back in to soon, it will end badly or put back a possible reconciliation even longer.

 

My advice is not to push anything. So don't contact her too much, plan to meet up too much or push any kind of reconciliation - let things develop naturally.

 

You're doing well and the more patient and positive you can be, the more chances you'll have at getting her back.

 

All the best,

D.

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I guess I'm getting ancy. I feel as though she took our meetng as me just wanting to hang out to be friends and keep each other in my life. Of course if we aren't going to reconcile, she will have to be out of my life, it's the only way i'll be able to be happy and be happy for her.

 

I feel like I blew it by saying I wasn't seeing the girl she knew I hung out with anymore. She asked why multiple times. The real reason is because I'm not over her and want to try to make it work, but I just kept telling her I don't know. I said "I don't know" so many times, that she probably feels like I haven't made any changes at all. I have. i feel like i can communicate my feelings so much better now, however, I don't think we're at a point where I can do that with her yet.

 

I don't know when I should contact her again. When I do, I don't know what i should say. If I ask to meet up she'll immediately ask why. Then she'll ask what I want to do when we meet up. I can't really suggest many activities without making seem like a date. If it seems like a date, she'll probably immedaitely say, this is just as friends right?

 

I don't want to play through all that crap. I want to just come to her and be honest. She asked me if I was happier now than I was. I said yes. I don't want her to think that's because she's out of my life, because she always thought that she stressed me out. I want to tell her outright that I'm in a much better place now with my life, emotions, and feelings. That the best times I've had in my life were spent with her and I'd like to take her out on a date and see how things go with no expectations.

 

Of course this could totally backfire and she could even not agree to that. I just don't know what else to do.

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There is something about this I don't like. I don't like how you seem to make her responsible for steering the conversation and sparking the communication. This should be your job. If you want her back, stop accepting that you'll just do the same old freeze-up.

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I don't get the feeling you generated any energy with this meeting. You didn't show her any communicative changes. I think you have to let her know why you stopped seeing the other woman, that you really love the times you shared with her. I wonder if short-term therapy to learn to communicate better isn't a good idea for you. I get the feeling you need to be more honest with this woman about your feelings. That's what she wants. Arrange to see her if you can in a couple of weeks. Go for an activity date if possible, pool or bowling or something even if you haven't done that together before so you can just enjoy each other with no pressure, and then talk the second half.

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I don't get the feeling you generated any energy with this meeting. You didn't show her any communicative changes. I think you have to let her know why you stopped seeing the other woman, that you really love the times you shared with her. I wonder if short-term therapy to learn to communicate better isn't a good idea for you. I get the feeling you need to be more honest with this woman about your feelings. That's what she wants. Arrange to see her if you can in a couple of weeks. Go for an activity date if possible, pool or bowling or something even if you haven't done that together before so you can just enjoy each other with no pressure, and then talk the second half.

 

I didn't really generate anything with this meeting, you are correct. I feel almost as though this meeting was pointless and if anything, set me back.

 

I have been to therapy after we broke up and I've learned how to communicate better, it's just that, if I come out and say why I stopped seeng the other girl and tell her how I'm feeling, I know she's going to back off completely.

 

I'll say that things were going good with this other girl, but I realized more and more that I was still in love with her and wanted to try to rekindle what we had. She'll immediately get distant and have that look on her face. She'll say "I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you, but I just can't be with you". If I question this at all, she'll get defensive and basically lecture me like a child about the things I did wrong in the relationship and when I didn't treat her right. She's correct in most of the things she says, but i know that and have known that and have been working very hard at working on those things and becoming a better person.

 

On one hand I feel like I should just come all out with it and put it out there and on the other hand I feel like I shouldn't. I tried all this after a month and a half after we first broke up. We had a nice dinner together where we just talked and nothing much came up about the relationship. She even ended up hugging me multiple times and stopping over at the house to use the bathroom on her way home. I asked her to come over to talk about a week and a half later or so, just to tell her I'd like to hang out more. She immedaitely said "as friends"? I froze and said "well, I don't know" and before I could say anymore she cut me off saying she's been very happy lately and isn't ready to not be happy and that she doesn't think she can ever be with me again.

 

I don't want that to happen again and that's what I'm fearful of. Then again, I don't want to just trying to keep hanging out and her thinking I've become okay with just being a friend. This can't be drug out forever. This is my last shot at this. If nothing comes of it, I'm going NC forever and moving on, so i want to make sure it's done right.

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whilst it is understandable that even with therapy, old tendencies can come back around... i think if i was your ex i would be validated in thinkin "same old same old"

 

she was giving you chances to open up, communicate and you jus kept saying 'dont know'. from her perspective she will think that if youre like this now, then things will go back to how they were pretty quickly

 

 

however....all is not lost, so see her again, and in the meantime work on communication

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You need to be patient, things don't just change overnight.

 

So what if she just wants to be friends right now. Friends means no pressure, no obligation etc. That is good. She wants to see you've changed the things that made her leave you.

 

It's hard I know, but if you really want her back you'll take a step back, plan a casual meet up (tell her you need some new jeans and you'd like her to tag along, coffee, anything like that) and take it day by day.

 

You have to work on yourself, it's the only chance you've got. If during these next few meetings she hasn't seen you're at least working on those issues, she'll think you've never changed and that'll be it.

 

You're doing well, just take it easy. She's offering you something you might not want right now, but that doesn't mean that can't be more in the future.

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I feel as though she took our meetng as me just wanting to hang out to be friends and keep each other in my life. Of course if we aren't going to reconcile, she will have to be out of my life, it's the only way i'll be able to be happy and be happy for her.

I want to tell her outright that I'm in a much better place now with my life, emotions, and feelings. That the best times I've had in my life were spent with her and I'd like to take her out on a date and see how things go with no expectations.

 

What you are saying is that you don't want to be friendzoned. Understandable.

 

I didn't really generate anything with this meeting, you are correct. I feel almost as though this meeting was pointless and if anything, set me back.

 

I have been to therapy after we broke up and I've learned how to communicate better, it's just that, if I come out and say why I stopped seeng the other girl and tell her how I'm feeling, I know she's going to back off completely.

 

I'll say that things were going good with this other girl, but I realized more and more that I was still in love with her and wanted to try to rekindle what we had. She'll immediately get distant and have that look on her face. She'll say "I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you, but I just can't be with you". If I question this at all, she'll get defensive and basically lecture me like a child about the things I did wrong in the relationship and when I didn't treat her right. She's correct in most of the things she says, but i know that and have known that and have been working very hard at working on those things and becoming a better person.

 

I asked her to come over to talk about a week and a half later or so, just to tell her I'd like to hang out more. She immedaitely said "as friends"? I froze and said "well, I don't know" and before I could say anymore she cut me off saying she's been very happy lately and isn't ready to not be happy and that she doesn't think she can ever be with me again.

 

I don't want that to happen again and that's what I'm fearful of. Then again, I don't want to just trying to keep hanging out and her thinking I've become okay with just being a friend. This can't be drug out forever. This is my last shot at this. If nothing comes of it, I'm going NC forever and moving on, so i want to make sure it's done right.

 

What this meeting showed is that there is an incredible imbalance right now. You admit that you didn't bring any energy to the evening so she had to steer its direction. In doing so, she also steered you towards the friendzone. She made it clear (what now four months post break up?) that she does not want to be with you again when she says she "doesn't think she can ever be with me again."

 

She was the one who broke it off. It was due to the way I was treating her. I was emotionally abusive. I never said anything really bad, but it was just a lot of little things that eventually took their toll on her until she couldn't take it. I had also brought up breaking up many times as a way to get what I wanted in the relationship. So I was manipulative also. Ugh, it sucks typing that stuff about myself.

 

I did the pleading about changing and asking her to come to therapy, to not move out, to give it chance, etc.

 

I can't say I'm 100% healed and better, but I do believe at this point I can take the rejection if that's what happens. I'll jump right back into NC and wish her the best.

 

You posted this in a thread in November. It sounds like you had a lot of problems in the relationship and that she was very unhappy. I tend to think that the best relationships to try to repair were the ones that were good in the first place. From everything you have written here, it seems that you haven't learned how to communicate your feelings to her - or at least to communicate in general. This is a skill that you would need to demonstrate to her to have any hope of YOU not slipping back into an emotionally abusive mode of communication and reaction.

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Well, like i said, I have learned how to communicate. I know how to express how I'm feeling, what I want, take back how she's feeling and listen to what she wants.

 

The problem again like I'm saying is that as soon as I meet with her she immediately asks what I want to talk about. When I asked to meet up with her, I never said anything about talking. I just wanted to spend some time with her at first and have a bit of fun together before i start blurting out my feelings and relationship talk. I mean, what i want to talk about is something about reconciling, hanging out with each other, getting to know each other again, etc. I don't think that's something i should come right out with out of the blue. So how AM I supposed to communicate or show that i know how to communicate? It so damn nervewracking to know that she's going to pressure me into talking about things right away when I know that we shouldn't be doing it yet.

 

@ MsDarcy I think you misunderstood when I said she couldn't ever be with me again. That was about a month after the breakup or less, not four months down the road.

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You are kinda contradicting yourself when you say firmly that you have learned how to communicate but then ask how you are communicate or show that you know how to communicate.

 

I hate to say it but you are stalling. You are trying to hang out with her to get her to fall back in love with you when really, you need to talk about things and put them out on the table. She is asking you what you want to talk about because she knows that you have something to talk about. As a girl, I will also tell you its her defense mechanism. She can see through you and is trying to get you to confirm what she already knows.

 

My ex wants to reconcile and she tries to do what you are doing, not talk about us, or things, or what will change or what went wrong. And that doesnt work. I instigate conversation about us even if she doesnt want to because I really dont have time to waste pretending we are hanging out and having fun when really, there are hidden agenda's from both parties. I need to know what is going to be different, why this reconciliation is wanted after things, what are we going to do differently this time around etc etc. Im not prepared to hang out in Limbo and you seem to be content with that in the hopes that she might change her mind about the break up.

 

IMO, you need to put your changes out there on the table and give her reasons why she should try again, and what would be different. And if she says no, then you have your answer and can move on, heal and go back to dating. Otherwise, right now, shes got you by the grapes.

 

Good luck

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I agree with all of this. Yes some contradiction is there. Mostly, it's stalling out of fear.

 

You don't know what she will say if you let her know you want to get back together. But you do know what she said a month after the breakup (not 4 months as I thought - sorry, that timeframe wasn't clear to me). She said that she wasn't happy with you and she was happy without you.

 

My question is to think about this with a little objectivity. Ever since the breakup, HOW have you showed her that you have changed? How do you interact with her that is different, more positive, more fun? How do you communicate that openness and willingness to hear about what's going on with her/sharing what's going on with you (not necessarily talking about the relationship)? What incentive does she have to go back to the guy who presented her with an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship?

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I guess I'd say I feel the contradiction is from the advice that I'm hearing. I keep hearing people say to just be friends and and not bring anything up about the relationship and that's what I've been trying to do. Now I have people telling me to go lay it all out on the table and come on all strong.

 

I can communicate but I thought I had to do it at the opportune time. Apparently that's now?

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I guess I'd say I feel the contradiction is from the advice that I'm hearing. I keep hearing people say to just be friends and and not bring anything up about the relationship and that's what I've been trying to do. Now I have people telling me to go lay it all out on the table and come on all strong.

 

I can communicate but I thought I had to do it at the opportune time. Apparently that's now?

 

 

Different people will offer you different advice.

 

In my opinion, you laid out a solid argument for her to leave an unhealthy relationship. Being emotionally abusive and manipulative isn't something you can erase with simply hanging out sometimes. I think you need to talk about how you are opening up, learning how to communicate, talk about what's going on with you. Doing that, at the very least, can be done outside of talking about the relationship.

 

I still wonder what you say in response to the following:

You don't know what she will say if you let her know you want to get back together. But you do know what she said a month after the breakup (not 4 months as I thought - sorry, that timeframe wasn't clear to me). She said that she wasn't happy with you and she was happy without you.

 

My question is to think about this with a little objectivity. Ever since the breakup, HOW have you showed her that you have changed? How do you interact with her that is different, more positive, more fun? How do you communicate that openness and willingness to hear about what's going on with her/sharing what's going on with you (not necessarily talking about the relationship)? What incentive does she have to go back to the guy who presented her with an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship?

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Well what I say to that is, how can telling her about changes show anything? Don't I have to show her changes? How can I show changes if I don't hang out with her? How can I hang out with her if she backs off because I come outright and say I want her back?

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Well what I say to that is, how can telling her about changes show anything? Don't I have to show her changes? How can I show changes if I don't hang out with her? How can I hang out with her if she backs off because I come outright and say I want her back?

 

"How can telling her about changes show anything?"

-If you share your thought processes about things that you have realized as I mentioned above, I think it could be useful. The "changes" we are discussing are about communication and the ability to handle conflict. Communicate better and that's how you show it.

 

"Don't I have to show her changes?"

-Yes ... if you are going to be hanging out with her. It's a detriment to you if you hang out with her and don't show her that you know how to communicate better.

 

"How can I show changes if I don't hang out with her?"

-You don't. You can get some space for a while and then start to get in limited contact again after a while to open up the lines of communication.

 

"How can I hang out with her if she backs off because I come outright and say I want her back?"

-You can't.

 

Since you are hanging out with her now, you might as well make the best use of it. If not, you will slip further into the friendzone unwittingly.

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Ok, I think i've decided to go ahead and let the cat out of the bag to her. You all pretty much say she knows what I'm going to say anyway so i guess I might as well say it while she seems receptive to listen and/or talk.

 

I think it'd work best if we were somewhere we I could have a drink to relax and calm myself. I figure maybe ask her to dinner at a retaurant that has a bar. Then we can have some casual conversation and order a couple drinks after the dinner and get into what I need to tell her.

 

Does this seem ok to you guys? Like something that she wouldn't be very uncomfortable with? The gist of what I want to say is that I've gotten to a good place where i'm ok on my own, have gained the tools to work on my problems with jealousy and anger, and would like to show her that. I'd like to hang out with her a few times and see how comfortable we are and if we think that would could rebuild a relationship. There's no pressure and it's not saying that we are absolutely going to end up together, but i would just like the chance to see if the things i worked on show through and if we could be happy together again.

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We certainly can't guarantee that she's going to be 100 percent receptive to this but what it will do is give you an opportunity to show that you can handle yourself better than you have in the past. It will also take you out of limbo. I don't think there's any perfect time to have this conversation - just try to find a time/place where you are comfortable.

 

The biggest thing is to really back off once you have told her where you stand. Don't try to be there for her or be her friend. She needs to know that spending time with you means building back towards a relationship or at least seriously exploring the possibility.

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