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I felt better today, surprisingly.

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First of all I'd like to say that ENA has been an incredibly helpful resource for me. This community is amazingly nurturing and uplifting. I've never posted on ENA, but today something made me feel a bit better, so I thought I'd share.


Here's a summary of my relationship.


She was my first relationship. It lasted almost four years. She recently started her first year of graduate school in DC. 4 months ago I moved from California (where we met) to live with her in DC. We had been living together for a year as undergraduates in California. She ended the relationship about a week ago. She wanted to "find herself, and prosper by herself." I think she had been thinking that for a while, but couldn't find the right time to end things. We ended without drama or a horrific argument. This happened 2 days before I was about to take a short vacation to visit the family in California. She told me not to come back (this was 8 days ago).


For the first 3 days I was begging/pleading to get back together; it wasn't very dignified, and actually quite embarrassing in retrospect. But then I found ENA, and my mood improved very slightly. I initiated NC. I found out I wasn't the only one out there having trouble eating, sleeping, and finding reason to get out of bed. It probably has been discussed before, but I've also had this knot in my stomach since the break up. Not unlike the nervous feeling one might get before a big speech, except you'll never give the speech. You're just forced to live with the lousy feeling in your belly.




Now I'd like to share what made me feel slightly better today. The knot in my stomach is still there, but the magnitude of pain has lessened. I realized 2 things:


1) Unless you are planning to marry your first love, you are going to go through a break up. I realize this sounds ridiculously obvious, and I'm not really sure why I didn't realize it sooner, but it hit me like a rock. I realized that in my lifetime, I was more than likely to have to experience a break up. Just knowing that this inevitability was out of my control made me feel better.


2) This is not really related the first point, but I also realized that I've got a lot to offer as a boyfriend. I know this is not news to anyone; many ENA topics encourage others to find the good in themselves. However, take it from someone who never thought it would happen: it may not happen today, or next week, but eventually you'll realize you have much to offer to a new partner; that your ex is missing out on some USDA grade prime human being. Again, this made me feel better.




Now don't get me wrong, I still feel like.... poo. I'm probably not anywhere close to the end of the healing process, but I feel like less of a poo at the moment. I'm sure I've got a long couple of months ahead of me in which I will try to hang out with friends, and maybe meet a nice girl.


So there it is. No earth shattering revelations, no light shining from the heavens. Just two simple facts that made me feel better today, and I'm hoping it helps someone else feel better as well. My apologies for the incredibly long post. I thank you all in advance if you've read the whole thing. Congratulations!

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1) Unless you are planning to marry your first love, you are going to go through a break up. I realize this sounds ridiculously obvious, and I'm not really sure why I didn't realize it sooner, but it hit me like a rock.

Actually, although this is logically totally obvious, it is the last thing on your mind when you're in a loving relationship, overwhelmed with romantic feelings and hoping that the present moment will last forever.


Some people DO marry their first loves, and live together with all the ups and downs of relationships, but essentially remain loving until the day one of them dies. However, it's not like this for most of us. And even some people who do marry their first loves find themselves with 'itchy feet' and wanting to explore other possibilities; they or their partner change and want out of the relationship ... and so on. The idea of remaining in a romantic idyll for ever is one of the most unfortunate myths ever peddled - life's just not like that!


However - I realise others may disagree on this one - I think your first bad breakup is the worst one. Not only are there all these terribly painful emotions flying around, but they're often accompanied by physical sensations, your appetite is affected and your work suffers. But, crucially, you have not had the experience of dealing with all this, surviving it and then happily getting on with your life. After that, the subsequent breakups have never seemed quite so bad - for me, anyway.


You are already experiencing the comfort of knowing that this awful experience is shared and totally understood by lots of us out here, who also have lots to share about healing and moving on. It's dreadful, it's awful - but at least you know you're in good company!



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that your ex is missing out on some USDA grade prime human being.




Well I think you are well on your way to a healthy recovery. You've got your head in the right place which is important.. now you just have to wait for your heart to get there too. But like you said, you're not alone! My break up with 14 days ago (I also did the first 2 days crying and talking still, then initiated NC too). I, like you, am of course still sad, but also to the point where I can realistically understand why it didn't work out and believe that the future holds something better.


We're going to make it.


Thanks for posting your realizations. Even though they are simple they are easily overlooked and I am sure they'll help other readers going through the same thing.


Hope you have a good day.

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