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Am I setting my self up to get burned?


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So my ex and I broke up 8 months ago. Mainly caused by insecurities on her end. On the same note there were definitely things I could have done different. I have been NC for the whole 8 mos, minus the time I met up with her about a month after we broke up where she broke down telling me she couldnt get over me and she still loves me but was confused and couldnt get back together. A few days after that I put everything on the table and then let it go. I asked her to not contact me and that the possibility of us "being friends" was not an option due to the feelings that were invested into our relationship.

 

Starting a few weeks ago, she has popped into my work a couple times. One was to say hi to me. I was caught off guard, said "hello, how are you" and cut it short and took off.. The last time was about 5 days ago. Just walked straight through my work. Since then she has been texting and contacting me like crazy. Throughout the day and night.

 

Seeing as though I care about this girl and still hold strong feelings for her I responded. Now I'm left with trying to figure out the reason of her contact. She texted me telling me she was in my work and asked if I was there. I said ya, I saw you... Thanks for saying hi... She responded with, I didnt see you! I totally would have said hello.. I practically stalk you...I said wow, you stalk me? She responded, Prolly shouldnt have said that...lol. She keeps referring to the times we were together. The places we went, etc. She was sick yesterday and texting me and I said, Well I wont bug you. Get some rest and feel better. She texted back, Bother me? I've been wanting to talk to you for the last 7 mos. Threw out how she was single and has just been working on herself for the last 7 mos. Seperating herself from her parents and focusing on making herself happy.

 

I just don't know if I should continue this contact. I can't tell if she is looking for friendship or trying to reconcile or is just playing games. I don't know if I should straight out ask her what the deal is and why soo much contact, or ask her to hang out and see what happens. Its difficult because it has already affected me because I really enjoy talking to her and this has just made me start to miss her again. Any thoughts?

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I say stick to your guns. Maybe you need to tell her again that unless she is interested in more, being friends is not an option. She has to make a decision. Perhaps she needs a little more time to figure it out. Her keeping in contact with you the way she is and stringing you along is feeding a need of hers but keeping her from making a decision one way or another.

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I'd be careful with this. It does sound like she's throwing out the "OMG I'VE CHANGED, I WORKED ON MYSELF, I'M SINGLE, HELLOOOO I WANT YOU!" signs everywhere. But still... Take it slow. Ask her out for a cup of coffee to catch up. See if the sparks are still there...

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It does sound like she is in to you.

 

Ultimately, it's up to you on what you want to do...that is, I think you will have to play the game if you decide to get back with her. Just don't jump back into anything with her and get all touchy feely. Get her chasing you.

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Should I just be that blunt? What makes me nervous is that I wrote it all off and moved on from her up until now. When we had this conversation a lil after we broke up I realized now that it was too soon and we needed time apart. The way I look at it now is that if I get the "I don't know, I'm confused" I will absolutely walk away and let it go for good.. In honesty that scares me.

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I agree with your buddy, bishop2004 and learning2relax.

 

Definitely ask her out for a bite. You obviously enjoy talking to each other. Isn't this textbook? Just take her out and have a good time. I dont' agree with those who say you should make her talk about the relationship. I think you should just see if she says yes. She's met you way more than halfway, even saying that she is single.

 

Also - very important - look at this:

 

So my ex and I broke up 8 months ago. Mainly caused by insecurities on her end. On the same note there were definitely things I could have done different.

 

Could you talk a little more about the relationship between her insecurities and things you could have done differently?

 

Sounds like she has made a ton of progress on her insecurities. In fact she sounds hella confident. Sounds like she's trying to show you that.

 

Have fun and good luck.

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If it all went just as you described, my guess is that she does want to try again. Whether she has truly changed or deserves a second chance can only be told once you get to that point of trying again. She offered that she was single, she joked about stalking you, "oh you're not bothering me" ... all signs she wants to try again in my opinion. I wouldn't do that or say that stuff to a friend I hadn't seen in a while that's for sure. She's trying to be cute, caring, interested, flirting and joking.

 

I'd just sit back, relax and let it play out. Eventually it's going to get to a point where SHE asks YOU out ... or it's insanely obvious she wants to try again then lay it out. You'll know the time.

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Ask her out for a bite to eat or a drink or something.

 

I wouldnt jump into the relationship chat though. Just observe and try to get a feel for her intentions. Is she touchy feely? Is she flirtacious? Does she talk about her now boyfriend? Or her current crush? (I know she mentioned being single but Im just saying Now boyfriend as an example).

 

Then if the opportunity presents itself, or you feel that she is flirty, bring it up and talk about the relationship. Otherwise, just try to get out and have a good time.

 

Ugh, I wish I could follow my own advice.

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So here's an update, last night she called around 8 and she was a lil drunk. She was out with the people from her work. I told her not to drive and she said, "then come pick me up". I said "if you need a ride I will.. Do you want me to drive you home?" She said "No just come get me." I wound up picking her up and taking her to get some food. The ride to the restaurant she was staring at me and trying to hold my hand. She pointed out that she was wearing the jewelry I got her and she has been for the last 5 mos. We sat down to eat and she kept grabbing my hand and tried to kiss me. I stopped her and said, "Look, I want to really enjoy our time and wasn't planning on discussing anything, but I need to know what this is all about"...

 

She said, "I think about you all the time. There was a point that I thought I was getting over you. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and for the last 5 mos I have been thinking of you every minute of everyday. I want to try again, but I am soo scared of going through this again. I am soo scared of hurting you. I've been in such a funk over the last 6 mos and I don't want to drag you down with me. I told my friend **** that I have been talking to you and she got excited and told me when we were together its the happiest she had ever seen me."

 

I told her, "I am here.. Even after 8 mos. I wouldn't be sitting here with you if my concern was whether or not I would get hurt again. For me the reward is well worth the risk. We don't need to discuss this right now."

 

We had a good time at dinner. Still kissing on me and holding my hand. Afterwards we went back to my house. She asked if it would be okay if she spent the night. I told her that was okay. We went to bed.. She started making out with me. As things progressed I stopped her and said, "Every guy would think I'm an idiot, but I can't do this right now. This means something to me and I'm not looking to just hook up with you." She said, "I know, it means something to me too. I miss you." I didn't let it go any further than kissing. She spent the night and we woke up and got some breakfast. She just left about an hour ago. I just don't know how to handle the situation...

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I feel this situation requires some straight and sober talking. She sounds a little over eager to get this whole thing on the road again. I'd get more info first and cool it on the physicals until you do. All those bonding hormones wont help matters. Well done for holding your ground so far. Its hard when it's being offered after so long apart with someone you feel for.

 

Find out exactly what she has been doing for herself and her insecurities the last 8 months, other than thinking of you and missing you. Get that info and you can possibly answer your own question/thread.

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She has been fairly straight with me. I know she is unhappy. She said she has been in a funk. She said she has been spending time with herself and trying to figure out herself and her thoughts. She said there has been soo many times she has wanted to call me... Soo many times she has drivin to my work and parked next to my car trying to work up the nerve to come in and talk to me.

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Glad to hear your story, man and I think you did well by not sleeping with her. This situation sounds a bit similar to what happened between me and my ex when we tried to reconcile; however, I ended up sleeping with mine that night and regretting it (this was before I found ENA).

 

Still, be careful and I wish you well.

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So the latest update.. Its been a couple days since that night. She has still been texting me like crazy.. No talk about us just casual fun joking conversations... Last night we went out to dinner. We were kidding around, talking, and having a good time.. Then ofcourse the akward moment... I was kidding around with our waitress and so was she.. The waitress then says, "You guys are awesome... Are you a couple?" I heard her but pretended I didn't so I wouldn't have to answer.. She asked again thinking we didn't hear.. "So are you guys together?" So she answers, "We're trying to figure that out... We were together a year ago.. You should sit down and give us therapy...haha" I'm glad she made light of it. Afterwards we left and drove back home. On the way I was rubbing the back of her neck and she put her hand on my leg then we held hands. We get back to my place and I said, "I have to go into work in 45min.. Did you wana come up for a few or are you gna take off?" She said, "I should go home and get some sleep..I'll let you get ready for work." I said okay and gave her a hug.. Then I gave her a quick peck and it seemed akward.. I said, "Should I not have done that?" She replied..."Oh, shut up.."

 

A few minutes later she texted me, "Thank you soo much for tonight." She continued to text me for the next couple hours. This morning I woke up and she had texted me 'Good Morning, I just got up. Hopefully ur still sleeping. Talk tou you when you wake up."

 

I replied when I woke up and she was in the area and kinda hinted at coming by so I asked her if she wanted to stop by. She said OK and asked if I wanted a coffee... She came by about 15min later and said she didnt go by the coffee shop but she had to get stuff for a superbowl party that her friends form work were having so she brought over some of my favorite cookies..

 

We hung out for bout an hour and she took off. She texted me "Sorry if I'm grouchy" I said you weren't are you ok? She said, "Yea, Im just in a weird mood. Where I really don't wanna do anything. Im at home, Im gna lay down for a lil.. I'll give you a call in a little while. Have fun."

 

 

So I'm trying to figure out whats going on.. She does things that make me feel like she wants to try, but at the same time it seems a little reserved and off..

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so what has she done in the last 5 months to work on her insecurities and her issues.

 

I think there is an important message when she said 'i am so scared of going through this, i am scared of hurting you'. I think you really need to take heed of those words. To me, she sounds very immature and naive and it sounds like she reacts to her emotional whims rather than using rational thought process to work out where she is at.

 

I think you really need to work out what it is that you want and then go from there. I think you really need to put the acid on her and ask her to explain to you what is going on in her head........what are her issues that she's battling and how she intends to deal with those issues, specifically her parents. There is no point tip toeing around the issue.......you deserve to know what you are getting yourself into.

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What I got from her when we talked was that she confronted her parents a little bit after we broke up. That she told them that she needs to live her own life and they need to stay out of it. She also told them that if it wasn't for them, her and I would still be together.

 

My concern is that I can tell she is down. She said for the last 6 mos she has been in a funk. Keeping to herself, not doing much, focusing on herself.. Whether its because of our break-up or her own issues, only she knows...

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I have to agree with bish0p2004 in that this is all on you now. I think she is putting herself out there in hopes of getting back together. I don't have much advice on getting back together after such a long time apart, but I would suggest starting out fresh. Its likely that if you decide to go that route, your strong feelings for each other will show early in your new relationship. I guess this might be OK, but this overload of joy might fade rather quickly, and the insecurities might come up again. If I were you, I would dive into it...but only after I have been convinced that there really has been a change and improvement in her.

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What do you mean by dramatic? I think she's an amazing person. It's just difficult to hangout with her without knowing the intentions.

 

What I mean is, she still has issues (eh, who doesn't), so just go with the flow of things. Don't suffocate her with your presence and words (ie...talking about the relationship constantly or where you guys stand), and just continue to do your own thing.

 

The main point is not to make her the number 1 priority in your life (no matter how amazing you think she is). There could be tons of reasons as to why she came back to you, but I'm assuming that the main reason is because you didn't keep pressuring her to come back (again, relationship talk). So, just keep that in mind.

 

Furthermore, I'm a firm believer that you have to be able to walk away at anytime during a relationship if you feel that you are being disrespected. She already screwed up once by leaving you, and if she screws up again, let her go for good.

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