No sex until marriage?

[HeartGoesOn]

I've always waited until I was in an exclusive, and committed relationship before having sex. I'm not religious, nor do I consider myself above anyone, it's just my beliefs, I've never had any regrets, and it's always worked for me.

 

I've seen too many threads on this forum where the "OP" had much regret for having sex so soon, and wish they could reverse that decision.

 

My .02

[RougeKali823]

Listening to men from all different backgrounds comment for a thesis I did on this was interesting. The respect they reported having for women who have sex with them prior to marriage was pretty low in general. However, they all seemed to feel that women were making it easier for them and that they knew that cohabiting would make it less difficult for them to leave when and if they ultimately decided to.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Wow, I never want to meet the kind of men that you know, Complex .

 

They connive, are hypocritical, have low respect for women they love, and will grant woman marriage in exchange for sex and wifely duties.

[renaissancewoman101]

With all that sexual tension, do you ever worry that you might "give in" and do it?

[Cognitive_Canine]

With all that sexual tension, do you ever worry that you might "give in" and do it?

 

On a side note, it was kind of weird how it worked.

 

For a long time, my boyfriend and I were practically platonic. Besides kissing, we really didn't do that much and we didn't talk about doing that much. There wasn't much temptation there. Then it sort of switched and it started being extremely tempting. I always wondered what caused that switch.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Do you think that happens due to partners not being themselves or that marriage changes people?

 

I would believe it is the first.

 

Sometimes people do change after marriage or several years into the marriage.

[RougeKali823]

Wow, I never want to meet the kind of men that you know, Complex .

 

They connive, are hypocritical, have low respect for women they love, and will grant woman marriage in exchange for sex and wifely duties.

 

My survey group consisted of random men walking down the streets in a major U.S. city. I'm sure you know them, you probably just aren't aware of how they really feel. I really love the saying "Men lie, women lie but numbers don't" because statistically speaking all of this hooking up in pursuit of reach the world of the romantic Pandora has been disastrous. I was just talking to my stylist today about this. She's been married twenty years and I asked her what she thought about young women and marriage today and she just laughed. I did too because the way that our generation has learned to rationalize sharing their bodies with people who aren't really committed to us is amazing. It's not a wonder that the divorce rate is so high. In five years I would like to see where the relationships of other twenty somethings are and if they ever found that man whose sexual prowess was the perfect ice breaker and led to a wonderful and lifelong union.

[HouseKitten]

It is much more difficult to challeneg paternity if the child is born to a married couple. If a man who is simply living with a woman decides to question paternity it will be much easier for him to do so if he argues that the woman is promiscuous as evidenced by her willingness to reside and have sex with a man she is not married to.

 

Everything else you've said is a matter of opinion and since we're on different sides, I won't keep battering away at it

 

But the above quote still bothers me - paternity can be proven through DNA testing whether a couple is married or not. You only have to watch an episode of Maury Povich to know that! So a guy can shout all he wants about a woman being promiscuous, he is still genetically able to be proven that baby's father.

[Cognitive_Canine]

My survey group consisted of random men walking down the streets in a major U.S. city. I'm sure you know them, you probably just aren't aware of how they really feel.

 

No, I give men more credit than that. I'm sure they have some kind of conscience.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Sometimes people do change after marriage or several years into the marriage.

 

Yes, I will not deny that. I would love to wait until my late 30's or 40's to get married (as this is when the personality really stabilizes) but can't because I want to have children and still be active around my grandchildren.

 

But, I'd still feel more secure knowing everything about a person before marriage, and just trust that if we drift we will still be people that can stay together in a marriage happily.

[RougeKali823]

Everything else you've said is a matter of opinion and since we're on different sides, I won't keep battering away at it

 

But the above quote still bothers me - paternity can be proven through DNA testing whether a couple is married or not. You only have to watch an episode of Maury Povich to know that! So a guy can shout all he wants about a woman being promiscuous, he is still genetically able to be proven that baby's father.

 

Obviously the accuracy of scientific data is not affected by cohabitation. There was a subtext. nvm.

[RougeKali823]

No, I give men more credit than that. I'm sure they have some kind of conscience.

 

I'm sure you do.link removed

 

The women in that article show just how much credit young women today give men. Ultimately, I'm not concerned because my relationships outlast my friends who are sexually active and my friends always voice regret for having ever had sex with men in pursuit of some knowing that is not coming. At least when I get out I get out having learned through communication and interaction that he is wrong for me without the added worry of STDS and having shared my body with someone not even worthy of my time. When the sex is great and the "knowing" is even greater the notion that he is just pretending to be a certain way so that he can continue getting milk ought to be at least a little present. People do change when they marry.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm sure you do.

 

So you really don't trust your boyfriend? You'd think he'd do those things to you? If you moved in together with him and started having sex, he wouldn't get married to you?

 

That sounds awful.

[RougeKali823]

So you really don't trust your boyfriend? You'd think he'd do those things to you? If you moved in together with him and started having sex, he wouldn't get married to you?

 

That sounds awful.

 

LOL- miss me with that one. What sounds terribly awful to me are countless women sleeping with men prior to gaining any real commitment and convincing themselves that they are "experiencing" all of him. As long as my future daughters don't share that belief I will be delighted. Selling yourself short due to a love of physical intimacy, see article, is dangerous and an indication of low self esteem. I would rather people just say that they don't have enough self control to abstain (or just love having sex) than to come up with arguments which cite societal changes and abstract ideas related to some "knowing" as justification.

[Cognitive_Canine]

LOL- miss me with that one. What sounds terribly awful to me are countless women sleeping with men prior to gaining any real commitment and convincing themselves that they are "experiencing" all of him. As long as my future daughters don't share that belief I will be delighted. Selling yourself short due to a love of physical intimacy, see article, is dangerous and an indication of low self esteem. I would rather people just say that they don't have enough self control to abstain (or just love having sex) than to come up with arguments which cite societal changes and abstract ideas related to some "knowing" as justification.

 

I consider years of being in a relationship and loving each other a "real commitment".

 

It's not just the two extremes of women jumping into bed with every man they've ever dated and women waiting until marriage to have sex.

 

And, my boyfriend and I did break up for a while. We hadn't had sex at that point. And, I thought to myself months after the breakup and before we got back together, that I wished we had lost our virginity to each other. That he remained completely respectable of me during the breakup as he always was and although we did not work out, he was still an amazing human being with wonderful values and a sense of nobleness that should be worshiped. Luckily, I did get to give my virginity to him.

 

And, no, I did not "give in" to my sexual urges. I could wait until marriage, I could easily wait until marriage but I do not wish to because I do not think it is the logical thing to do. At this time we haven't had sex since June due to our decision to hold off until we finally have a place without roommates (we are also long distance). We know that we are sexually compatible now after months of experiencing this and discussing it and I will not have this worry going into marriage.

 

Knowing your partner is not an abstract idea. It's a solid understanding of compatibility levels.

[BellaDonna]

What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of having sex only when you know that you will be in a committed and binding relationship with another person?

 

The disadvantage is that sexual incompatibility is one of the major reasons for marital discord and divorce. If you have not gotten to know your partner sexually before binding yourself to them, you run the risk of disappointment and/or major relationship conflicts if you have an active sex drive but your partner turns out to be voluntarily asexual, inhibited, prudish, boring, cold, selfish, (

 

The advantage is that is that you will know that you were not used for sex, that you and your partner built your relationship on friendship/companionship without lust blurring your perception. Sex might be less of a priority overall so sexual conflicts, as a result, may be less of an issue and have less influence over relationship satisfaction overall.

 

How it will all play out really depends on both person's judgements and values. They need to be on the same page, regardless of which route they choose.

[RougeKali823]

So, what is left for the next guy? It is often thought that not waiting is illogical because the opportunity for sex is always abound. I can't be convinced that it's not just a lack of self control. I mean I'm a virgin not someone who was born yesterday. It's easier to have sex with everyone who you feel you have some sort of a connection with. The harder part is knowing that connection is there and digging a little deeper to see if it is one which can withstand the challenges that come with marriage and life in general. You might be surprised what you'd find sans sex with the men you date. I found that despite the fact that I loved my ex fiance I didn't feel anything in the way of long term commitment. It didn't take us getting naked for me to know that. Albeit I was with him for two years before I realized that he wasn't the one for me. Moreover, I realized with another ex that we wouldn't be compatible long term due to ideas regarding sex and gender roles. Again, I didn't need us both to be naked in order for him to open up. The physical is the easy way and simply a distraction. Any human being is more inclined to appease another when they are receiving something as pleasurable as sex. I don't have any trouble getting men to open up sans sex. I have only ever dated the "star" athletes (who are notorious for having groupie sex) and they always remark that I was the first female to have taught them that love and chemistry can exist without sex. Oddly enough I was the dumper in every relationship and sex was never the reason for my walking away.

[Cognitive_Canine]

You obviously aren't trying to understand my view at all and judging me quite a lot for having sex in a long term, committed relationship.

 

The fact that you see sex as just 'getting naked' tells me that you and I are not going to see eye to eye on this issue.

 

As for "the next guy", I don't plan on there being one. But, if my boyfriend and I were to break up. I'd take a while off from dating. When I finally did date I'd wait until I was once again in a long term committed relationship, and then we'd have sex if we both wanted to.

[RougeKali823]

You obviously aren't trying to understand my view at all and judging me quite a lot for having sex in a long term, committed relationship.

 

The fact that you see sex as just 'getting naked' tells me that you and I are not going to see eye to eye on this issue.

 

As for "the next guy", I don't plan on there being one. But, if my boyfriend and I were to break up. I'd take a while off from dating. When I finally did date I'd wait until I was once again in a long term committed relationship, and then we'd have sex if we both wanted to.

 

Understanding your view is what led me to opt to wait until marriage. Qualifying your relationship with long-term doesn't do anything for me. I have been with my bf for four years but we are not married or permanent in any way. I can't forecast for your relationship but I'm almost certain there will be a next guy. There almost always is according to my observation and according to statistics. If my bf and I end I will know that I left without having sold myself short. You are correct, we sit on different sides of the fence and I think most people with your view have high sex drives and don't like the idea of not acting on their feelings. I will agree to disagree though.

[BellaDonna]

Moderator Note Please refrain from personal debates that hiijack this thread. Further posts of that nature will be removed.

[norsewoman]

True. The two biggest marriage-breakers are sexual issues, and money issues.

[arcadefire]

I find the notion of waiting until marriage anachronistic and misogynist. I wrote something similar on a similar thread, whether to wait or not, and it all boils down to personal preference. I personally would find it wholly unfair to marry someone who isn't a virgin and you've saved yourself for that individual.

 

As for anachronistic, these values were made when people married when they were 18. Nowadays the average age of marriage is a decade past that. Would you consider an 18 year old who chose to wait and became a housewife morally superior than a 28 year old woman who chose to go through med school and then found the right person to marry?

 

As for misogyny, it's obvious that this double standard only applies to women, throughout time and societies. I don't need to elaborate on this one.

[annie24]

yes, i agree, knowing what you are getting into. I know of some couples who are having great marital troubles over the issue of sex, frequency, etc...

 

sexual compatibility is very important. because if you are married and faithful, this is the only other person you will share your sexual life with. if your spouse hates opera or hates gardening or doesn't like boating, and you do, it's ok because you can go to the opera or on a boat with your best friend or sister. but, with sex, it's just between a husband and a wife.

 

of course, there is no guarantee that if you have sex before marriage that things won't change. i'm sure we've all heard about couples that had sex like bunnies before the wedding and then rarely after a few years into the marriage. but still, i would want to gather as much information about my future husband, in every single way (both in and out of the bedroom), before marrying him.

 

PS - not to debate, but if you look at the history of marriage, you will see that there have been many changes over the last thousand years. there was a time when the church stayed out of marriage. the purpose of marriage has changed much over history. there was even a time when 24 hour marriages were allowed (to let the couple have a night of fun!).

[annie24]

As for anachronistic, these values were made when people married when they were 18. Nowadays the average age of marriage is a decade past that. Would you consider an 18 year old who chose to wait and became a housewife morally superior than a 28 year old woman who chose to go through med school and then found the right person to marry?

 

 

people also used to die sooner.

[greywolf]

I've never really understood the idea that it's bad to share your body with someone who isn't committed to you long-term. STDs aside, I think many people do it to keep themselves safe. They are afraid of getting hurt. That is something that I've never really factored into my relationships.

 

My current bf and I don't have a long-term commitment to each other. It doesn't make me love him any less. Just because we most likely will break up some day doesn't mean I'm going to be half-assed about it. It doesn't make me feel like I should protect my heart from getting hurt, much less my body. And you could hardly say that we put too much emphasis on sex. We're long distance, after all.

 

I had sex with someone before. It doesn't make things any less special with the current bf, and it'd still be special with the next person. Every person I've been with has been special in their own way. Sex didn't change that.

 

I think the main advantage is that we would put less emphasis on the whole sexual part of the relationship and thereby are more prone to find and value a person for their non-physical qualities, their friendship, etc.

 

OP, I think there's nothing wrong with waiting for sex until marriage/long-term commitment. I think people have to do what works for them. However, I've never understood why it's wrong to put emphasis on sex. Some think communication is more important, others think having a recreational partner is what is important, or for some the emotional connection is most important. What is wrong with those that think sex is an important part of their relationship?