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New to Forums, in crisis mode


emptyself

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Hi everyone, even reading a few posts on here has made me feel better, I think this forum is a wonderful place. Thanks for having me!

 

Ok, going to give an as concise backstory as possible here.

 

I was with my girlfriend for +4yrs prior to actually breaking up around the end of December. I am 27, she is 24. I run my own business, have my own house, cars, ect. She has always bounced from job to job, in and out of college, no real direction. When I first met her she was in sad shape, I was a rebound, but we hit it off and connected in a way I had not with any other female. I knew she was a trainwreck at the time (heavy drinking), but she was extremely intelligent, and thought it was a matter of time before she got everything together. Through the years, she went from me heavily supporting her, to for the most part on her own. Like from no car and sharing a crappy apartment, to having a car, own place, paying all her own bills. She was working for my family business (I am not a part of it) and doing pretty well. She has no ties at all to her own family.

 

In late November, I found out there was an there was an incident with her and my younger brother (her boss at the family business) in the first year we were dating (when she was a trainwreck). She outright told me about it, saying the guilt of it and working with my brother had brought her to her wits end. They didnt sleep together, but it doesnt really matter if they did or didnt, it happened.

 

So after this, I told her I needed my space, and didn't keep great contact with her. She emailed me saying she would wait on me, blah blah blah. Well, about a month later, I came to a decision to take her back, and she had started seeing her neighbor (this was late December, I didnt find out about it until after she broke up with me). She then broke up with me (so she started seeing him before we broke up officially). The neighbor went out of town for a month, she took care of his dog/stuff, and I kept contact with her. She had lost her job at the family business (my brother fired her for telling me) and I stupidly helped her get back in school, let her use one of my vehicles (her car threw a rod, needs 2k in repairs), and she is going to school and paying bills off unemployment.

 

 

Ok that is the back story, now to the present.

 

I am really struggling, I do love this women to death, but the rebound came back in town, and I can not deal with it. My feelings for her are so strong and him being around crushes me. What set it off was tonight, I ended up passing her and the neighbor in my truck. This neighbor is a bum, no money, ect. So she gets to feel good about helping him, like I helped her over the years. She even told me this.

 

So what do I do??? If I take the vehicle, laptop, internet, ect away from her, she bombs out of school again. I know I need to not talk to her for a while, but the situation makes it impossible unless I just completely screw her over. All this is so painful though, and I can not really work on me with this guy in her life.

I told her all this the other day, and she said an ultimatum would just drive her away from me and it isn't fair that I put her in that spot because we are not together.

 

So I am torn, how the hell do I not talk to her, and not feel used for my stuff, and not feel like I put the girl on the street. Keep in mind I still have very very strong feelings for her, and above that, she is my best friend, and has no one else to rely on.

 

PHewww, ok, thanks again if you made it this far, it was as concise as I could make it!!!

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This may not be what you want to hear, but you need to let her and her new beau (her neighbor) take care of her. It is no longer your responsibility to take care of her (by supplying your car, laptop, &ct.

 

You will feel awful and used a few weeks or months from now when you move on. You will realize that she and her neighbor used you for months. You will probably picture them laughing about it. OF COURSE she told you that taking your stuff back would push her further away - she doesn't want to lose the things. And if it does push her further away, so what? She chose to shack up with another man in less than a month when you just needed some space.

 

My advise, give her ample warning that you are taking your stuff back. For instance, tell her that in X days (20? 30?) you are going to get your things back (including vehicle, &ct.) so she and her new beau should make arrangements so that it does not affect her schooling.

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What a manipulative woman. She said an ultimatum would drive her away... she is not your girlfriend... she already wrecked that...stop letting this woman wreck your heart... agreed with above... you owe her nothing... take back your stuff... including your heart.

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Very clever of her to call it an 'ultimatum'. It's not an ultimatum at all to want your belongings back after she chose to be with someone else. If you want to be nice about it, give her 30 days to purchase these things from you or return them. Really, though, it's not about stuff... it's about consequences.

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Wow....I feel for you. I helped my Ex out by bringing him a bunch of my things. There were things I genuinely gave him to keep and things that are there that are mine or were there for him to use until I needed them back. I too have thought about the things. We have been apart for 3 months. The first month I couldn't deal with getting my stuff. He lives an hour and half away and the thought of getting my things and knowing the last 1.5 hours back would be my last trip on that road back was more than I could take. The 2nd month I was obsessed about my stuff. One day I wanted to get strong enough to get it back, the next I didn't want to get it back as to not rock the boat, and other various ways of waffling back and forth. The third month I have moved closer to knowing and understanding that I have to go get my stuff. I will let him keep what I truly gave him but go get my things that were either mine or were not intended for him to keep. It is a lot of stuff and hopefully can make it in one trip in my truck.

 

I knew I had to get to a place where the stuff was not a pawn or the act of removal being one with an agenda tied to it. I needed to let go of the fact that it was stuff and it wasn't like I was dying without it. It is the principal and closure more than anything else. Once I can let go of the obsession with my stuff (95% there) and know that I am ready to move on and I can sit with that decision consistently for at least a week, then I will call him to get my stuff. He doesn't want me to get my stuff. He says that I am welcome to it but ironically doesn't answer the phone and doesn't want to deal with the thought of my getting it. He realizes that it also signals the end and something I don't believe he is fully committed to either or simply wants to face.

 

In your situation, I agree with JB - you are not responsible for her success or failure. You are not responsible for providing her transportation. You are not responsible for her being in school or not. Just get yourself to a place where the stuff is not an issue and you are simply getting it because it is yours and you are letting go of taking care of her and taking care of yourself instead. If it is hanging out there I am afraid you might just be keeping yourself stuck from moving on. Taking it back doesn't mean that you don't care about her or love her anymore. Her and the neighbor having it, using it and you knowing this just feeds your insecurities and/or low feelings of self worth. You are better then they are......rise above them. Just do it when you can without emotion and than allow yourself to start moving through the phases and heal.

 

I don't want to tell you what to do - you have to decide that for yourself. This is simply my perspective from what you have shared on what you might want to consider doing.

 

Take care......and you are not alone.

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Thanks for all the support everyone. It is just difficult because I do want her back (crazy, I know), and I know it would ruin her life if I did it right now. It isn't even about my stuff, I just feel used. And yes, she shacked up with this guy before we ever came came to a decision about us. I just wish I wouldnt have picked her back up again while he was gone, it would have made this much easier for me.

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EmptySelf -

 

Do you simply want her back or do you want her back and for things to have a chance of working out in the longer term sense?

 

I am not trying to be a snot in asking you this......You need to do what is right by you for you. This will make you stronger and put you in a better place to avoid engaging in the same cycle of pain - if you simply take her back and not do what you need to do for YOU.

 

Another important point - keeping up with her requests, demands and needs from you doesn't guarantee you that you are going to get her back. If anything it just allows her to string you along and not look at you as someone that she was ridiculous to let go of. The cleaner separation, the time you both spend healing yourselves, the better shot you will have if you find yourselves coming back together at some point in the future.

 

My two cents....

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It is just difficult because I do want her back (crazy, I know),

 

Understood. However, you're very much in the early stage of everything. The truth is that you're nowhere near a place of making a level-headed decision to reconcile. You need to separate yourself from this situation that you're still entwined in. Create the distance for yourself (be it with or without your stuff) in order to think as clearly as possible.

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I want her back for the right reasons. We had a great relationship, we just didn't communicate with each other at all. We never fought, swept everything under the rug, that sort of thing. We both agree on that. She even agreed to go to couples therapy (while he was away), we went twice, but the be honest, the only thing the therapist did was tell us things we had already had already discussed. He didn't give us any tools to help communicate, that sort of thing.

 

I agree learning2relax, if anything, I think her leaning on me and seeing this other guy is having her cake and eating it 2. I know doing it will ruin her though, and I was the one that got her back on her feet, so it feels a little hypocritical yanking it away. I have to do it, just needed the reassurance to pull it off.

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Take your time to get there and know you are doing it for the right reasons - you. You are not responsible for her happiness or success just as she isn't for your happiness or success.

 

Allow yourself the time to get to where you can do this with some level of confidence and where your emotions stabilize a bit.

 

I am rooting for you! I will let you know when I make the giant leap to go get my stuff. He doesn't have much money, moved into a new house and when I take my things it will leave him with a lot less (one of which is a flat screen tv in his bedroom). But it is about doing this for me and closure. He has insurance that while he dumped me, he still has tie to me with my stuff being gone. He never has to be motivated to do anything to get me back if he wants too. The insurance policy is paid up and in place. I need to move on and he needs to get better. As do I......

 

Stay strong!

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I have to do it, just needed the reassurance to pull it off.

 

We will be right here to give you reassurance and support. I feel it is the right thing to do.

 

Be prepared for it to get ugly though. She will likely take it very badly and become angry at you. Prepare yourself for that.

 

Just calmly tell her that you will give her X number of days to do what she needs to do to replace them. Perhaps take some things home sooner than others, so she does not lose everything at once. This might help ease the burden. She won't be able to justifiably say that you did not do the best you could for her to get herself in order.

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We will be right here to give you reassurance and support. I feel it is the right thing to do.

 

Be prepared for it to get ugly though. She will likely take it very badly and become angry at you. Prepare yourself for that.

 

Just calmly tell her that you will give her X number of days to do what she needs to do to replace them. Perhaps take some things home sooner than others, so she does not lose everything at once. This might help ease the burden. She won't be able to justifiably say that you did not do the best you could for her to get herself in order.

Yeah, I don't think it will get ugly though, I told her I could not handle her trying to juggle us both and I was going to have to move on, I just didn't pull the trigger. I will just ask her what a fair amount of time is, and cut the cord completely. I just can not handle this right now. It is affecting my business, family, friends, and most importantly, me.

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I'd let her keep the computer, and I'd take back the car and all else.

 

None of this is punitive, but love is not life-support. You've been so enmeshed with this girl you've tangled yourself up in her life. That's not healthy for either of you, and it's certainly not going to 'help' her grow up and gain integrity.

 

Move forward. If this girl is ever capable of meeting you on higher ground someday, she'll get herself there. Involving yourself with her in the meantime is trapping yourself in a social worker role gone wrong.

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she has a her own computer, but has my laptop. Its the internet (wireless air card that I pay 70 bucks a month for). I dont care about the computer either, but the truck I bought new in cash like 3 months ago. That I do care about.

 

Thanks again guys, I just needed someone non biased to confirm that I needed to cut ties with her. Will keep you updated, I am going to tell her asap so I can start moving on and not feeling so crazy all the time.

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Since you are taking care of her and she is taking care of the neighbor, indirectly you are supporting her neighbor. That sucks... She said "an ultimatum would just drive her away from me and it isn't fair that I put her in that spot because we are not together." How much further than broken up can you be? Plus you no longer have any responsibility to take care of her because you two are not together.

 

I wish I could say something that would soothe your heart, but I just see it as a unhealthy situation for you both.

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So I told her I needed my stuff back, and needed to not talk to her, be friends, and her not talk to me. Was much calmer about it after chatting here, thanks everyone.

 

See asked if she gave my stuff back completely and completely stopped talking to the other guy if I could still be in her life, and she would do anything, blah blah blah. All this was in a text today, I didn't respond.

 

Also, not that it matters, but I don't think I was totally clear about the neighbor. The guy has his own car, but as far as I know, lost his job and is getting by from his parents (guy is 27, my age)

 

Haha, actually after reading all of the stuff I wrote, it actually sounds funny and really silly to me. I am too old to deal with this kind of drama!

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