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How to get over the need to be a mother


Seraphim

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I still have the burning need to be a mother to another child. I know I should be happy with my son and it is not about that because I love my son to pieces. It is just an indescribeable need like I am not "finished" or completed without another baby. Yes, we have tried to adopt,my husband backed out of that. I can't bear my own children anymore because my uterus is too damaged. I have tried to fill this need with looking after other people's kids being a foster parent. Since stopping that I also volunteer with children. None of that is filling the hole that I have in my life. I know in my heart that this is the purpose I was given, to be a mother. I have even started to consider surrogacy which is against the faith of my religion because my need is so big. Today it was suggested that I just accept that I not meant to be a mother other than to the child I have. For whatever reason I just can not accept this. What is WRONG with me?

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Hi Victoria,

 

Your son is very cute by the way!

 

I felt an overwhelming need to be a mother as well, but i'm 40 now, have relatively no family support, and no partner, so i don't know that bringing a child into the world is a good idea.

 

If you can't have another child, then there is nothing you can do about it. Just wait till your little one gets old enough and host LOTS of parties for him and his friends! You could designate yourself as the local baby sitter and host of children's parties.

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Hi Victoria,

 

Your son is very cute by the way!

 

I felt an overwhelming need to be a mother as well, but i'm 40 now, have relatively no family support, and no partner, so i don't know that bringing a child into the world is a good idea.

 

If you can't have another child, then there is nothing you can do about it. Just wait till your little one gets old enough and host LOTS of parties for him and his friends! You could designate yourself as the local baby sitter and host of children's parties.

 

He IS older though. He is 12 and I still feel this way.

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Is there no way your husband would reconsider adoption? I think you said in another post that he pulled out without even telling you - so is he completely opposed to another baby?

 

I'm interested, why is surrogacy against your religion? And which religion is that? I've never encountered that before, most debate focuses more on abortion than creation.

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Is there no way your husband would reconsider adoption? I think you said in another post that he pulled out without even telling you - so is he completely opposed to another baby?

 

I'm interested, why is surrogacy against your religion? And which religion is that? I've never encountered that before, most debate focuses more on abortion than creation.

 

He would love another baby. Preferably our own. I do not want to take the chance he will back out again in regards to adoption.

 

My religion does have rules in regards to creation of life as well as the ending of it. Creating life artificially is a disrespect to God,marriage and to the person created.

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I suppose it just depends what you feel more strongly about, having another baby or your religion.

 

Surprisingly, my boyfriend (who is completely atheist) also believes IVF and surrogacy are bad ideas due to meddling with the creation of life.

 

You have a very lovely son. If you never have another child, you will always have him. At least that is something to be thankful for - some people are never able to have one child of their own at all.

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Victoria,

 

Im so sorry your having these feelings, Im with you no matter how many parties your throw or how many children you sit its nothing like having your own.

 

It to bad your husband wont reconsider adoption there are so many children out there that need safe and happy homes. Have you explained to him (no hinting) that you feel this way, this void?

 

Its great that you volunteer your time with these other children. They will always remember you. I know that there were a few adults in my life growing up that made a huge impact on how I think and act. Keep doing that.

 

The happiest sound to me is my boys laughing, enjoy your son. Smother him with your love and pray that he brings home alot of grandbabies.

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Victoria,

 

Im so sorry your having these feelings, Im with you no matter how many parties your throw or how many children you sit its nothing like having your own.

 

It to bad your husband wont reconsider adoption there are so many children out there that need safe and happy homes. Have you explained to him (no hinting) that you feel this way, this void?

 

Its great that you volunteer your time with these other children. They will always remember you. I know that there were a few adults in my life growing up that made a huge impact on how I think and act. Keep doing that.

 

The happiest sound to me is my boys laughing, enjoy your son. Smother him with your love and pray that he brings home alot of grandbabies.

 

Yeah, it is so hard to deal with..sigh.

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I hate to say it, but how about trying to find out why you can't come to piece with it.

Is there anything else that might consume you enough to stop thinking about it?

I am not having kids, so my knowledge is limited, but regarding adopting - maybe it's better you didn't adopt - perhaps it would be difficult for your son- he's at sensitive age and he needs you quite a lot now. With his puberty starting I think having a small baby (even unadopted) would make it harder for both of you. I don't know. I think at his age it's better to let him be the only child.

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I hate to say it, but how about trying to find out why you can't come to piece with it.

Is there anything else that might consume you enough to stop thinking about it?

I am not having kids, so my knowledge is limited, but regarding adopting - maybe it's better you didn't adopt - perhaps it would be difficult for your son- he's at sensitive age and he needs you quite a lot now. With his puberty starting I think having a small baby (even unadopted) would make it harder for both of you. I don't know. I think at his age it's better to let him be the only child.

 

His greatest wish in the world is a sibling though.

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I'm not sure if I can respond because I don't know if I have anything productive to say other than before I had my son (I am your age) I had an overwhelming need to be a mother - I knew that was my natural role too and knew that forever it seemed (I am sure you can relate to that!).

 

I take it your husband is still against adoption? What about foster care - you know, you compromise and take in a foster child so he can see what it's like without it being a lifetime decision?

 

I'll also share this, that before I had a child I would not have related as well to your strong desire to have another one since of course you are already a mother, already so blessed! But now I think I can. I am hoping it doesn't kick in for me strongly because for medical reasons that arose after the birth it wouldn't be a great idea for me to go through another pregnancy (and my age of course is another factor).

 

I think you got some great input on the volunteer work and similar. I wish you the best.

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I was a foster parent for many years,but I am moving in 5 months and I do not want to take a child now only to throw them out in 5 months. It would not be fair to that child. I still volunteer with children's services driving kids to their family visits and such. I still want my OWN child. My son wants a sibling. He has enjoyed the foster kids but he knows they were not here forever and they are not his sibling to go through life with him. I have really tried to fill that hole I have and give back to the world,but it does not fill it.I know you know what I mean. After my son was born when I was 30 I was told I would probably never have another child,because my uterus had too much damage and they were incredulous I had him at all. About adoption it is more me that is reluctant because we tried to adopt a little foster baby we had from birth to 18 months and my husband backed out without telling me a week before we were to keep him for good. That boy was adopted by someone else. He is 8 now and he has not talked a word since he left our house. He has had all kinds of tests there are and they have no reason why he should not talk. I think he was broken hearted and so were we. My son talked about it and was angry at his father for 4 years. I even threw my husband out for a week over it. I could not take that again if he backed out on me.

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Victoria, why did your husband back out the first time? Is there enough evidence that he has changed since then, or that the reasons he backed out then don't exist now? Maybe you two could go to counseling about that so that you could head into an adoption trusting him. I can imagine how terrible that must have been though, a week before it went through.

 

Can you talk to a priest about the surrogacy issue? Obviously you have your beliefs, but there are denominations of your religion (I think) that are favorable to IVF, or at least not as unfavorable. If, as I think, you are Catholic, then my understanding was that the opposition to IVF was not so much about artificial means as concern for the fertilized embryos that are not implanted - as those are considered alive and so it is basically considered abortion to fertilize them and not use them. In that case, you could have a few cycles of IVF where the doctor only retrieved a few eggs (say 2) and then implanted all of the fertilized ones (so 2 max - the preferred guideline in the US is one, but 2 is acceptable) in the surrogate. It would be expensive, given that a given cycle could generate no viable embryos since the fertilization would be performed on only 2 eggs, but it could still be something to consider.

 

Anyway, none of my beeswax about your religious beliefs, but it was a thought.

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My husband has a bad anxiety disorder and OCD, so he finds decisions very difficult. He has made a lot of decisions passive aggressively. What he wil do is say he wants to do something then backs out at the 11th hour. He has had 10 years of therapy for it on and off and medications. He has made a lot of improvements in the last 2 years.

 

The main church does not believe in what is called "cafeteria Catholicism" in which you pick and chose what to believe within the religion and I know our priest most definitely doesn't. The reason they do not believe in creating life artificially is 1. It is an affront to God as the creator of ALL life.2. These children are not created physically within the marriage. 3. There is the question of what happens with the embryos and I am sure there are more reasons. Basically it is an affront to God,an affront to marriage and defies God's Law. The Church believes in natural conception and natural death and you are a person with a soul from the second of conception.

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Hi victoria, I don't have any answers for you. Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear you are struggling and I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

 

I think it's natural you may be feeling the way you do. I think a lot of women would struggle with it.

 

I hope you can find some peace one way or the other: either to make a bold decision to find a way to try and bring another child into your family for good, or to come to accept as is.

 

Either way, just wanted you to know I was reading this thread and wishing you that feeling of completion.

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Hi victoria, I don't have any answers for you. Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear you are struggling and I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

 

I think it's natural you may be feeling the way you do. I think a lot of women would struggle with it.

 

I hope you can find some peace one way or the other: either to make a bold decision to find a way to try and bring another child into your family for good, or to come to accept as is.

 

Either way, just wanted you to know I was reading this thread and wishing you that feeling of completion.

 

Thanks so much, that is really appreciated.

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I can relate to a point because I still haven't been able to have just one child three miscarriages and my fiance is wanting to wait before we try again because he wants to be more stable though we are just his way of saying he isn't emtionally ready i don't think I am ether completely though thats all I can ever think of is being a mom

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