Jump to content

Don't want to lose my relationship w/my bf....any advice? help!!


RoxyGril

Recommended Posts

I feel as if I keep digging myself into a bigger and bigger hole...my bf and I have a pretty good relationship but, when it comes to me asking advice from him it doesn't go to well. When I ask him for advice and he gives really great advice it seems as if I just turn around and make a mistake. So, it's like the advice goes in one ear and out the other. But, it's not like I forget what he says it just that I don't use the advice given all to often. Which I end of just screwing up some out and I open my big mouth and it turns into to an argument.

 

I keep pushing him away every time something like this happens and it turns into a hour argument. Then when things are going well and we don't have any arguments we become closer and closer to each other. I am just afraid to lose him because I keep screwing up and push him away. I don't know if this makes sense but, I am going to lose him (which I don't want to). This is what most of our arguments are over...me taking his advice and then when I am in the situation to use the advice its as if I just if I use a bit of it but not all if it.

 

I am scared that I am going to lose him if I don't prove to him that I can do this. I feel really hurt, confused, heart broken because I love him more then anything and I can't see being without him. It's like we won't have any arguments for about a month or so and then something happens.

 

What can I do to prove to him and know that I am the one for him? I just feel lost cause I don't have a ton of people to turn to and mention about this situation. I don't understand why I have trouble using the advice given but I don't have any trouble asking for advice.](*,)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why don't you mention to him that for the most part herein, you will only be "sharing". This means that you are not looking for advice but simply sharing your feelings with him & he in turn can share his back, without it being deemed him giving "advice" as well.

 

This issue has been around for ages between men & women. Oftentimes people just want to share & then they will make their own decisions. Our partners can mistake that sharing for soliciting advice and/or we may not be clear to them on what we need back from them.

 

Though sometimes you may indeed want solid advice, and you can always tell him that you will let him know those times where you are seeking advice versus sharing.

 

It does take two emotionally mature people to just "share" without strings...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hum, well I'm thinking a few things here, if I understand it right. First, asking him for advice is a good, bonding thing. He gives good advice, another good thing. Still, it's completely up to you as to whether you take his advice, all or in part, unless it were on something that directly effected the relationship.

 

Second, almost more important than the first, is I think you should talk to him about HOW the two of you argue. Relationships are occasionally going to have conflict. Period. How you both handle it can turn the experience into something that slowly destroys your bond, or it can also be something that increases your bond. Yes, when you work together towards conflict resolution, and you're successful, and you feel safe to talk to your SO about "anything," that is a very bonding thing.

 

I would sit down with him and tell him your concerns about your arguments, and then agree with him as to some ground rules. They can cover whatever you both have problems with: screaming, name calling, beating a dead horse, etc. Then you can set up a time limit, the ability to call a time out, and if you call your SO a name you have to pay them $100. You know, whatever works for your situation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you truly want advice? Or just someone to listen to a problem?

 

If you aren't using the advice, it makes me wonder if you really are wanting help and a solution, or just having someone to vent with, and listen to you and talk about the problem, and perhaps offer solutions...but ultimately its your choice if you want to use the advice or not though. I don't see how that should escalate into a fight though? Its your choice, he offers advice but you don't have to use it though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess I have always gone to him for advice because I can't really go to my mom (our relationship isn't great) and I am working on my relationship with my dad cause my dad hasn't been there for me a whole. Well, that's another story on the parents. So, that's probably the reason why I have gone to him for the advice. His advice is great and I do love the advice. But, why does it seems like I just screw up after the fact of getting the advice.

 

I want our relationship to work....we are so close to moving in together and it feels like I just messed it up. IDK I am just completely lost right now and have been in complete tears. I just recently put my car up for sale and had someone look at it in a store parking lot (I am new in selling a car). So, the person's daughter was coming to look at it (waited for her to show up) and I called my bf to tell him the news. Well, he tells me that you should have a price you not willing to go under but, you don't tell the person...After, I got off with him....I completely open my mouth and say the amount that I was actually suppose to keep to myself. So, we got in an argument for a good hour and I don't know how much longer he can take...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's your parents, your car and your money. I don't understand why he gets so upset when you don't do things to his liking. If he's experienced at buying and selling things like cars, then you could have arranged it for him to talk to them.

 

I get good advice all the time that I just can't take...some things are difficult to do when you're in the middle of them. Don't let his strong opinions and condescension bother you. How much he can take? He's not being harmed. He needs to give you a break.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I do need to sit down and talk to him and you have a good point.

 

 

 

I would have to say a bit of both....I believe that he can't it much longer because it seems as if this type of situation happens often. He feels that he is getting very tired with having to go through this all the time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess I still don\t see the issue here.

 

 

He offered advice, and it didn't go as planned. Is it his fault? Not really. Is it his problem? Not really.

 

Who gets mad at who? Does he take it out on you when you screw up? Because if thats the case, I'd be looking at HIM....not you here.

 

Just because someone gives advice, doesn't mean you have to take it.

 

My friend asks for advice all the time, she rarely uses it. Does her own thing, etc.

Do I get mad? No. Its not my job to fix her world. If things go wrong, you shrug your shoulders and say Oh Well.

 

I guess I just dont understand how an argument arises in this situation. Who gets mad at who? Who starts the fight?

 

 

Maybe just clairfy to him why you ask for advice. Its clear that you have your own way with dealing with things...has he not grasped the fact that you sometimes don't follow through with advice given? Why hasn't he caught on, and learned that? Maybe you need to clarify the purpose of asking advice, and make him realize that sometimes asking advice just helps to clear things for you. If you screw it up, its your problem! Not his!

 

 

You aren't the only person who screws up and perhaps doesnt follow advice properly! Doesn't really affect other relaionships this way. My guy constantly asks for diet and exercise crap..does he follow through? Does he screw up? I don't get mad because its not my problem!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's your parents, your car and your money. I don't understand why he gets so upset when you don't do things to his liking. If he's experienced at buying and selling things like cars, then you could have arranged it for him to talk to them.

 

I get good advice all the time that I just can't take...some things are difficult to do when you're in the middle of them. Don't let his strong opinions and condescension bother you. How much he can take? He's not being harmed. He needs to give you a break.

 

It's hard not to let them bother me cause he has been the only one that has been there for me. I do at times feel that he needs to give me a break cause when the situation arises it seems to him as if I just tossed it out the window each time I asked for it...Everytime I going to work on it to prove myself, I seem to fail. Though he isn't being harmed! I also shut down and stop talking at the moment. I have trouble with that cause a lot of it has to do with my mom (past threads will explain). He feels it's driving a wedge between us so we can't move a step further.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, I guess my point would be is why does it feel as if my relationship is on the line because he feels that I don't use the advice when needed and also, I automatically shut down when it feels as if I am being attacked. He actually gets mad a me because like I've said he thinks that I don't use his advice correctly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

why does it feel as if my relationship is on the line because he feels that I don't use the advice .

 

Have you asked him? Do you know this for a fact that he's ready to walk away because you don't take his advice? Do you know how silly that sounds though?

 

Have you asked why he gets mad? Have you talked about what you are trying to achieve by asking advice? Has he not clued in that you don't always take advice when you ask for it?

 

He does need to cut you some slack to a certain extent. No one is perfect. And who's to say his advice is right? Advice is just that. A personal opinion of what they think you should do. Not necessarily the right thing to do though, right? You end up doing what you think is right, and he should support your final decision. Not get mad or upset.

 

Maybe shift how you ask for advice. Talk about the problem. Or say "What would you do in my position.." Doesn't mean you have to do what he would do. Doesn't mean you need to do what he RECOMMENDS. His adivce may not be correct. Take his words into consideration, but do what you feel you need to do.

 

You make the final choice. If he doesn't like your final choice, thats fine. It shouldn't turn into an argument.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, I know it does sound really..Our relationship almost ended of a stupid argument exactly like this that almost caused our relationship. He feels that he doesn't know how much longer he can take of dealing with these types of situations we get in. I am working on becoming a better person but then something happens and then get to the point were we are at right now. No he has not mentioned that when you ask for advice you don't alway have to take. In my view when I ask for advice is to get an idea of what they would do or how they would do it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, I know it does sound really..Our relationship almost ended of a stupid argument exactly like this that almost caused our relationship. He feels that he doesn't know how much longer he can take of dealing with these types of situations we get in. I am working on becoming a better person but then something happens and then get to the point were we are at right now. No he has not mentioned that when you ask for advice you don't alway have to take. In my view when I ask for advice is to get an idea of what they would do or how they would do it.

 

Have you expressed that to him? That you are looking for his opinion, not necessarily a soluition? For him, he probably sees you asking for HELP...and not taking it. But really, you just want an OPINION.

 

One thing I used to find that when I was just sharing about my day, my guy would offer advice. I would get frustrated because I wasn't looking for a solution, I just wanted to talk.

 

It was later on that when I read "Men Are From Mars..| [i know cliche!] that it explained that men want to help. They want to offer you a solution so you aren't in the position you are in, and women just want to vent. Usually. Typically.

 

Every conversation it was a reminder of "I just want to talk about my day..it helps me feel better.." sort of thing, and he understood that. If he offered adivce, that was nice, but not necessarily something I was about to do, and he respected that.

 

Your guy is probably trying to help you. I can see where his frustration is at, but he needs to also understand that its just advice and an opinion. And you need to communicate to him that you aren't looking for a solution, just an opnion. Thank him for his opinion, make him feel valued and that he is helping, but ultimately whatever happens is really up to you.

 

If you find yourself clammering up, write it out!

For almost the entire first year of my relationship, our issues were dealt via email! I was horrible at communicating face to face, and we had to find a way to communicate. With time and comfort it changed, and now its a breeze..the communication and talking of things is efficient and flawless.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Asti is exactly right. Women want to talk about their problems because they want to be heard. Men hear a problem and want to fix it and move on. When you don't take his advice and then it blows up and then he has to hear about the newest disaster, he gets frustrated.

 

This is a total Mars/Venus thing. You really need to talk to him about the whole dynamic. You aren't looking for a solution, you just want to vent. Maybe you can work on presenting it not so much like you're asking for advice, and he can work on just listening and not trying to give you advice. I think if he sees if from your perspective and what you are looking for, he won't get so upset when you handle your problems your own way...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...