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Did I do the right thing? Need advice


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I recently broke up with my fiance over an argument that we had.


We were together for 6 1/2 years & engaged for 2. He's 26 and I'm 24.


Sunday's argument was blown out of proportion by me but I think that argument brought up things that I had brewing inside of me for a while.


Here's some background on us:


For the past 6 years, my fiance has had a steady part-time job (same one since high school) and he's been struggling with school because for a while he wasn't sure what he wanted to major in. He ended up switching majors two years ago and switched to a new school that focused solely on his major. He was supposed to obtain a certificate last June for his field of study but since he failed classes, he never got his certificate.


As for me, I've had a steady 40-hr/week job since we've been together. As for school, I've been trying to get through it but it's hard when I can only go part-time because of work. I would love to have the opportunity to go full-time but because of the bills I've racked up, I am unable to do this. Over the years, his lack of interest in school irritated me because I so badly want to finish and here he was with the means to do it and was failing classes because he didn't know what he wanted to do. Now, he's put school on the back burner because he's got a new seasonal job with his father yet I continue to struggle with going to school part-time.


When we got engaged almost two years ago, we were in the process of looking for a place. We ended up buying a house with the promise that he would ditch this part-time job and find a better job so we wouldn't have to struggle to pay the bills. Shortly after we placed a bid on a home that we liked, I lost my job. Luckily, I went to a temp agency and was placed in a new job within three weeks.


We ended up closing on the house a few months later and he never went out to look for a better job. He did try applying online but heard nothing and never pursued anything else. We struggled a bit in the beginning but he ended up getting contracted by his father to help him with a seasonal project. During the project, we had money & things were great. After the project, the money went pretty quickly and we were back in square one - no money & struggling to pay the bills. I was growing tired of this because all along I had the steady job and couldn't afford to take on more of the bills because of the bills I had on my own.


He is lucky to have his parents support him financially - they pay his car & medical insurance, cell phone & school bills. I pay all of my bills and I even have a car payment. It frustrates me because we have racked up my credit card bills with things that we've purchased for the house & it takes him a while to pay me back. We also put an unpaid ticket of his on one of my credit cards and is paying me back but not at the rate that I expected.


When we got engaged, I believed that we would start saving for the wedding. Without a steady full-time job, he was never able to give me anything to save because he needed his entire paychecks to cover the mortgage & other bills. I feel he should've done more to help me get out of debt in order for us to start saving for the wedding. Was that wrong for me to believe? I would've done the same had I been in his shoes.


Another issue that I have with him is that if something goes wrong in the house & he doesn't know how to fix it, he doesn't figure out what needs to get down or figures out how to fix it. This frustrates me because I grew up in a family where my father took care of anything that would break. Even outside of the home, if our cars needed service, he would take them for us or would at least go with me. I just asked my fiance the other day if he would take my car to get an oil change but he told me that he needed one as well - you know how you should get them done ever 3,000 miles? He waits until he's hit about 10-15,000 miles. I just took it myself because I knew he wouldn't do it. I wish he had more motivation to do things for me or try to find out how to fix something if he doesn't know how to.


I'm not perfect at all. I do have my faults but I do believe that I'm a pretty good catch. I cook, clean, and would have no problem taking care of everything in the house as long as I knew that I could depend on him to help with my car or other things that I feel are "manly" duties.


I think I've reached my breaking point. I love him but I hear all the time from my friends & family that I can do better. I told him we could try a separation period and take the time to re-evaluate our situation. I'm starting to believe that I need more from a man. We're in a weird situation right now because we do own a home and I have no intention to move back home & can't afford to rent a place on my own. We have two extra guest bedrooms so we've decided that for the time being, I'll move into one of the extra rooms until I have enough saved & can move out on my own.


I feel extremely guilty for pulling the plug on our relationship but I feel like I needed to do something to wake him up. I think he's gotten too comfortable with me to the point where he feels he doesn't have to try.


When we talked about separating, he asked why I was leaving now when I knew he would be coming into money. He feels that this time around, since he'll be working for his father's company, he'll have steady work from here on out. I'm hesitant because I just don't want to go through the disappointment of the last two years and be back at square one. I feel like I need to start looking out for myself.


I am so confused. Should I try to make this work because we have been together for so long & because we do own a home? Am I being selfish for wanting more?


Please help.


Thank you.

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He needs to man up by going to Costco to get some oil and a wrench set.


As far as getting a full-time job it's very hard in this economy. So it's not entirely his fault. As for the wedding, if you guys don't have the money just do something simple.


It all boils down to whether you still love this man or not, not whether you should continue to hold on to the mortgage nor his potential prospect.

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I think you have every right to expect him to be more motivated.


At 26, he really should be self-sufficient. He should be able to pay his bills or at least have a plan to get out of debt, take his car to get worked on, and in general be able to take care of himself.


Now, not everyone needs to got to school and get a degree. If he doesn't want to go to school that's his choice. But personally, I couldn't ever date a man who didn't have a career. I need a man with clear goals for his future, who takes pride in his work, and well...wants to be successful. I couldn't ever be with someone (let alone for 6 years) who was so wishy-washy about what he wanted to do with his life and never really took any steps to become 100% independent.


If you love him, I think that this is something that can be fixed. But I think you're right you have to "jolt" him awake a little. You're not his mom, you're not his roommate, you are his girlfriend. He needs to get his act together if he wants to be an adult and be in an adult relationship.


You need to have an honest talk wit him about money and career goals. Do you want kids? How does he expect to raise a family when you struggle financially? Talk about school, too --should you go full time? Should he? Make a plan to get out of debt and manage your money better. It's all perfectly doable. You just need to let him know what you expect out of him financially so you can live a normal life and beyond the money how you feel he's not motivated enough.


I wish you the best of luck. I think your relationship is salvageable if you want to put in the effort. But I wouldn't blame you if you left.

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I am not quite sure why you chose to buy a house with him when you knew about the financial difficuties both of you were having. If you split up with him you are both going to have to figure out what to do with the house.


His lack of motivation to work would be a deal breaker for me and I can understand why you want to pull the plug on this relationship. However, some of the other things you bring up are really not so important in the grand scheme of things...a woman should be quite capable of taking her own car to get an oil change etc and not think that this is a man's job. Your father may have done it for you but that's what dads do for daughters...it is not necessarily the man's job in a relationship if both of you have cars. As for being able to fix things...not every man is handy around the home. However, I do think he sounds lazy, unmotivated and doesn't take initiative in many aspects of his life...work, school, getting his own car in working order etc. Sounds like your values and his values just don't match up.

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