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What a psychologist friend told me after I found out a ex was in a rebound


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This is what a psychologist friend said to me after a bad break up of mine where she rebounds:

 

"About ******. I can’t tell you for sure, but many of us have had reactions similar to what you are feeling right now. The mechanism, as I have understood it in myself at times, runs something like this:

 

1) You had an ambivalent relationship that ended unfortunately

2) She gave you a full body slam worth of guilt that you took to heart.

3) The guilt put you through a lot and was predicated on your sense that you had somehow injured her. She indicated that her relationship with you was special and important, and that your actions had almost cosmic levels of consequences. My sense is that she made you feel that she would never be able to love again, and that your wounding of her was profound and life changing.

4) This guilt elevated your valuation of the relationship (“it must have been serious and important if she was so hurt” beyond what you experienced during it.

5) All of a sudden she turns around and is “back in the saddle again,” and you are left spinning. She forced you to consider her as fragile, valued, and important, and then turns around and pulls the rug out.

6) Your emotions go into a tailspin.

 

By the way, this is a good example of a defense mechanism (on HER part) called “Projective Identification.” She has successfully transferred the way that she felt INTO you. There is a very good chance that if you sit with this a bit you will discover that it isn’t actually jealousy or desire for her.

 

Step back and think—do you really want to be with someone like this? If you really have to do something, consider sending her a message saying that you are very relieved that you hadn’t hurt her as deeply as she had suggested, and wish her well."

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That's insightful. But I don't know about the last bit.

 

If you really have to do something, consider sending her a message saying that you are very relieved that you hadn’t hurt her as deeply as she had suggested, and wish her well."

 

This sounds like a ploy to force her to confront the contradiction of her current rebound relationship in light of the great love and pain she so recently professed. Is it inconsistent? Sure. If she's unaware of that fact it's because she's deliberately choosing not to see it. A passive-aggressive little note won't change anything. Of course, if she continues to accuse you of breaking her heart even while she's in a new relationship, you'd be absolutely right to point out her hypocrisy. But otherwise I don't see what you'd gain besides making yourself look kind of petty and letting her know that you noticed she's dating someone new and it's affecting you.

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Funny, this describes exactly what my ex did after she dumped me, especially number 3. Said she wouldn't be able to love another man again for a while...

 

I wanted to tell her listen, i never beat, took advantage, cheated, or wronged her in any grave manner. She has no idea what it means to have any of that happen to her. I wish nothing but the best for her, but a small part of me wouldn't mind seeing her meet someone who DOES do that to her so she'll know. Is that wrong?

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[...] A passive-aggressive little note won't change anything. Of course, if she continues to accuse you of breaking her heart even while she's in a new relationship, you'd be absolutely right to point out her hypocrisy. But otherwise I don't see what you'd gain besides making yourself look kind of petty and letting her know that you noticed she's dating someone new and it's affecting you.

 

I agree. I'd use the information for your own head, not to act out with. By taking a rebound, the girl has liberated you, and it's up to you what you'll do with that. I'd move forward, secretly satisfied for having been disabused of the guilt she tried to feed you.

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Oh wow. The most brilliant thread ever. I love it. I LOVE it. Especially this part: "She has successfully transferred the way that she felt INTO you."

 

I am a firm believer in transferring of energy. People can take their nagativity and pour it into you in exchange for your positivity. Thats why its so crucial to be careful who you get involved with.

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