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Why is it when break ups occur, we tend to think about all the good things that our partner brought to the relationship rather than what they didn’t bring to the relationship at the end? Have you ever wondered how someone that once claimed to love you ended up walking all over you in the end? Why do we want that which doesn’t want us?



There are so many questions we want answered yet we rarely get them. I can remember years ago I couldn’t get my ex out of my head. The thoughts of her with someone else always haunted me but the worst was her being HAPPY with someone else. I forgot all about the neglect, the using me only when she needed something, the rude comments, the “I don’t have time for you” remarks and blaming me for everything she could push my way. I can admit my faults. I was weak and I didn’t know any better. I was hurt and I didn’t know what to think anymore. All I could think of was ways to get her back. In my weak state, I thought the solution was to get her back. This was never the case and I am the man I am today because I learned from my own mistakes.



To want someone “just because”, especially when they bring no positive value to your life, is nothing more than an act of desperation on your part. Just because you have spent time together doesn’t mean you are owed anything and nor do you owe them. I choose to live my life and look at the good even in bad situations. Soon after our break, I would have to get up from my desk at work and walk around the lake to try and clear my head. More so than often, I used it to escape the embarrassment of crying in front of my co-workers. I was a mess.



I could not get her out of my head, let alone my heart. I would often think of her having a great time with the new guy and it made me sink even deeper into the darkness we call depression. Time seemed to stand still. The nights were the worst. Nights would become my enemy. It was almost like a reversed vampire. I would often look outside my window and dread the sun going down for I knew what the nighttime brought with it. To be brutally honest, I associated the most intimate moments of our relationship with the night. The fact she was with someone else NEVER set well with me. No matter how much I tried, I could not let her go. I just didn’t know how. How could I let go of something that meant so much to me?



What it was about her that was so special was the true question. Why was I yearning for someone who I allowed to mistreat me? Seems as if she did me a favor; At least so it seemed. I can admit when I am wrong and let me tell you, I was not thinking clearly at all. I was allowing all the good times to over-ride the bad. I could not tell you how often I was neglected or pushed to the side. I allowed it to happen. I held onto something that wasn’t even there. How could I have allowed that to happen? I can’t even answer my own question but I can say that it did happen. I hated it at the time but I learned so much from my mistakes that it has truly made a positive difference in my life. Though you may not see the silver lining, you can always know deep down it’s there if you choose to see it.



We live in an instant gratification society where we want things quickly. This also includes answers to all our questions. In retrospect, you can’t Google why you allowed your ex to break your heart but you can possibly find potential self-help websites and eBooks on how to cope with the heartache.



My nights were long and cold. I would sit in an empty room just thinking of her with no rhyme or reason to it. Was she thinking of me? Was she ok? Why hasn’t she called? How can she be doing this to us? These were only a few of the million questions I had rummaging around in what once used to be my brain. I would spend weeks and weeks thinking of her. From the moment I got up in the morning until I put my head on my pillow, I always thought of her. I received phone calls every so often. Mostly we ended up arguing because I wanted to “state my case” or “make her understand” how I felt. The more I tried, the more it pushed her away and the more I ended up hurting worse than before.



I was the one causing all the pain. I was the one who thought of leaving my ex over and over again yet there I was blaming myself for everything. I refused to see it for what it was because blaming myself at least gave me a “reason” to be upset. All I knew is that I missed her and she was gone. The world became a lonely place for me. I would often cry in the shower so at least the tears could be hidden with the droplets that would fall all around. When I went to bed at night, I would hold a pillow close to me wishing it was her. I often fell asleep in the early morning hours after mere exhaustion overwhelmed me.



There were mornings where I didn’t want to get out of bed but I did. I knew my employer would not tolerate a “break up” as an absence excuse. I was devastated and was only making it worse my creating scenes in my head of them with one another.



When did I start feeling better? It took months but finally I had had enough. It came to me out of the blue and the answer was as clear as it could be. The answer was that I had no control over her AND SHE HAD NO CONTROL OVER ME. I cannot express how much this simple statement impacted my life. No one told me, no one tried to convince me. I was the one who came to this conclusion and I believed it 100%. It was not an excuse. It was MY answer to all the questions I had. In an instant, all the confusion, all the sadness, all the depression, all the sleepless nights, all the walks around the lake…it was over. It was the exact moment I let go. It wasn’t that I didn’t still care for her. It was because I was NOT RESPONSIBLE for HER HAPPINESS. I put away my selfish need to want to be with her and learned that I WAS THE ONE THAT MATTERED. I was the only one in control of me and I could NOT change my ex nor our situation alone.



It was at this point where I finally understood that I have been wasting so much time thinking about something I could not change. After I sat and thought about it for a while, I began to smile. This was something I have not done in over four months. I can remember that day like it was yesterday because all the pain and sadness was gone. It was if I was cured from some horrible disease. I got dressed and made a mix CD. I went on a long drive with the windows rolled down and listened to the mix I created. One song that comes to mind is “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. Damn Right!



Never let go of yourself. Hold on to what you do know and not what you don’t. Anything that doesn’t serve your life in a positive way, let it go if you can.




If I can do it, you can do it too. I am here if you need me and I look forward to hearing your success story.






-Your Friend,




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Ive read a couple of your threads, and we think very similarly. You bring a very positve straight forward attitude that this forum needs. I convey much of the same, though you seem to be a little more emotional than me which i dont mean in a bad way just as a contrast.


I was just wondering since you just recently started posting again, whats your status as of now are you dating again or seeing someone?


As always thanks for the input.

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One song that comes to mind is “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. Damn Right!


I was just thinking about that song today, its HUGE right now. lol


I hear what you are saying superdave, i think i have just turned that corner, i know i dont have any control over her, and nor does she have any over me anymore.


It would be great if we could one day get back together, but it will also be great if i meet another girl.


who knows whats going to happen, quite exciting times really.

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Dave...This post helped me SO much...thank you for taking the time to write it. I'm only about 6 weeks past my break up of my 2 year relationship with no contact from either of us. I am the dumpee. No simpler way to put it other then "It just plain bites!"

This past week I have seemed to come to a place where the hurt isn't quite so jagged around the edges anymore...it comes and goes and not as hard as it did that first month.

Maybe it's finally sinking in for me as you wrote about coming to a place of acceptance where we begin to see that the only person we can truly ever count on and the only person that will get us through this experience to a better place is US, ourselves!


I think we get to a place where we're tired of the hurt and finally decide to pick ourselves up...shake ourselves off...lift our heads up high and with all the dignity, pride and self love we can muster....we finally start to live again.


Thanks again Dave....your post really hit home for me.

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  • 1 year later...

What you say here is exactly how I am feeling and want to finally get to the point that I don't wake up thinking of him, think of him all day and go to bed thinking of him.....I need to focus on me....and believe me I am going to do my best to do that....


Thank you for this post....I am going to keep reading it day after day until I finally believe I am more important than him..

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  • 6 years later...

This thread is amazing. I hadn't read it. Thanks.


This hit me like a truck: "The answer was that I had no control over her AND SHE HAD NO CONTROL OVER ME." So obvious and so simple yet so powerful and hard to really see this when we're heartbroken.

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This pain, sadness and the moment when they stopped is exactly the same as described in this thread. That moment was so beautiful. I will never ever forget it. I questioned when the suffering stopped, it took 4 months, but it just happened, like a miracle.

Hang in there dear darlings, you'll get to that point.

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Yes... I can relate. After 3 months my head started working again and now after 4 months I'm a changed person... I'm not really different in daily life, but my soul, my heart, my core has changed. I still miss our relationship, I'm still angry, hurt and I still think that we would work great together - but I let him go. I accept the decision, I cannot change his views. I'm the only one responsible for my life. If he wants me back he as to change as well. I'm not the same person.


And if he doesn't want to come back... I will spend the next years single, exploring myself and my life, growing and then...maybe one day... I will be ready for another man. For a real, mature man.


And thank you, Dave, for all your posts. The really helped me...still help me every day

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  • 3 years later...

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