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Hi,

 

I am asking some advice for my married friend.

 

Her husband loves and cares for her, however, whenver she needs him emotionally he does not know how to respond to her needs. So, she tells him exactly what it is she needs but he cannot seem to do anything about it. E.g. she recently thought she was pregnant, really wants a baby but it turned out that she wasnt. She was upset about it (as he was too) and asked for him to spend the evening with her as she needed cheering up. He said he was too busy and he said he would spend friday night with her. This upset her further and regardless of how and how many times she has calmly and rationally expalined how she felt, he is still not responding to her needs.

 

He is not a nasty guy in any way but just does not see how detremental this will be in the long term as they have been together 3 years and married quite recently.

 

Any advice would be gratefully accepted as I dont know what else she can do other than explain to him how she feels. HELP

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So they are married and don't live together?

 

Anyway my only rule for any relationship...business, friends, GF...is if we can communicate there is no problem.

 

He doesn't LISTEN so there isn't any real communication here. I'd say walk.

 

They do live together but he spends most evenings online selling. He says hes is doing it for their finances etc but emotionally he is not very good at supporting her.

 

I dont know what else to say to her, you are right he does not listen and I am a bit stumped as what advice to give her, I know she is concerned for their future as I am, because I know she will not be able to live like this forever. He really needs a sharp shock maybe, but something needs to happen, mmmmmmmm

 

Thanks

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When did she realize that he was like this? She must have seen it before they got married right? Does he at least admit that he is bad in this area. I think he needs to see a therapist to be honest.

 

I think after being married.....not sure.....He does admit to be bad in the area of emotions, to be fair to him, his way of dealing with anything is to go off and be alone. He does admit that he doesnt always know what to do when she needs him emotionally, but now that she has told him exactly what she needs, tonight he refused to give her his time when she needed him. I agree counselling would benefit him. She has also suggested that to him.

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Well you may have to look at it this way...even though in your and her eyes all he has to do is follow the plan that she has laid out in front of him. What she is asking him to do may actually be painful for him. I don't understand it myself, but people who need distance feel pain when they are too close or too emotional

 

Its a least a good thing that he understands that he has problems in this area. That way it would be easier to get him to seek counseling. But I definitely think that is a good option.

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If I understand correctly, he was working from home on his computer making money for them, yes? If it's a question of solvency or emotional care, I'm sorry, but homegirl better put on Lifetime and get some cookiedough because you have to keep sight of the most important things regardless of the sorrow.

 

Of course she's upset and has every right to be. And he's upset and is trying to work to contribute to keeping a roof over their head.

 

I'm not saying your friend is wrong, necessarily, but there's a time and a place and just because he doesn't hop to when she feels she needs comfort, that doesn't mean he's not there for her.

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Hmmmm...does she have a history of trying to have him change his plans because she needs him to comfort her? The reason why I ask is because my current husband had a history of girls who tried to get him to give up his hobby-something he adores and is passionate about. He still gets protective of it if something comes up and I ask I'm to switch the night he is involved in the hobby. We've gotten better at it, my explaining that I'm not trying to be and don't want to be controlling. He still gets scared though...also, what exactly did he have to do? Was it something that would be hard to change? Its not like he was going to be far from home either. I'm curious about his perception of the situation. Now, if your friend lost the baby in a miscarriage and her husband didn't want to have some cuddle time, i would understand.

 

One woman I know in a very good good marriage had a ruptured cyst on her ovary, but it was the one week her husband goes away with his friends for a few days. Of course my friend wouldn't have minded if he was there to comfort her. But she told him that her mother could be with her and that he should def.go! She is much more secure in that sense than I am currently; and she never had any resentment. Thats just an example of how everyone is different and just because a man doesn't agree to our requests one time doesn't mean he loves us any less.

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I'm sorry but I'm not sure she's being all that fair to him either. If he works online in the evenings isnt she effectively asking him to take a day off work to comfort her? And he has said that he would - he just picked a few days later than she asked for because it would be less harmful for the business that way.

 

In my eyes, he's trying to compromise, she isnt. THAT is also harmful longterm to the marriage.

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