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Needed to talk RE: abuse from 35yrs ago


lgmac

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Don't really know where to start, just need to talk. I am 46 years old and I lost my mother to cancer in 12/08. Instead of grieving, I went into a complete anger mode, mad at the world. How could someone so wonderful be taken away while someone so evil still walks the earth.

 

My mom & stepdad married when I was about 7. He was 3 yrs younger than her, putting him in his early 20's with a new wife and 3 kids, me the oldest. He started molesting me right away, I had never been talked to about this, knew nothing of sex. I look back now and I would say he brainwashed me...first it was this is a secret, then when I didn't like him touching me, it was your mom has been hurt so much (by my birth father), knowing the most important person to me was my mom, then later...no one will believe you.

 

When I was 11 it stopped, at the time, I was just grateful...he knew he was wrong and stopped. As an adult, I now know it was because I started my menstraul cycle. Never in a million yrs at that age, did I think he would move on to my younger sister, never crossed my mind. I found out about this in my mid 20's and at the time, I was willing to confront him but she begged me not to...she was also ashamed, embarressed and figured no one would believe her.

 

Today, she is a mess, moved away to deal with it, me....I am just not a very loving person, but happen to be married 17 yrs to the most understandable person.

 

But, lately, all these emotions have been building up inside of me. I have 2 boys, 10 & 12, and have done very well at never letting them be alone with him. He walks around, loved by everyone, will do anything for anyone, especially his church friends. I have 2 brothers, one is my half brother whom I love so much and he is mainly why I have not told my step dad off and cut all ties with him. Personally, I think if I was to confront him, he would be in complete shock and deny it. My sister and I honestly believe, due to comments he has made in the past, that he would say it never happened. In the eyes of everyone else, my sister and I are rude b****** because we don't have much to do with him and because I could not speak to him at the funeral.

 

Now what has caused all the emotions inside of me...he has asked to take the boys on a vacation. Always on a defense mode...I immediately said oh, maybe we can all go. However, the past week, my head has been spending because I have no desire to spend a week with him, nor does my husband, and no matter what, my boys are going no where with him alone.

 

Since he has already been making plans with my brother, his wife and now my half brother wants to meet up with us all. I am faced with either spending the first real vacation my family has taken miserable or just tell him no, come out looking like the witch as usall and deal with it. Or maybe, get this off my chest and let the cards fall where they fall.

 

If no one reads this, I can at least say that I feel better just typing this. Also, before it is suggested...no I have never seen a therapist because of the whole "confronting the abuser" and that was never going to happen with my mother around. He was very good to her, for that I am thankful.

 

Thanks for listening.

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It's wrong that this guy is living his life normally without facing the consequences. I respect the fact that you didn't want to hurt your mom, but you and your sister are still here, and you deserve to speak the truth and heal. You're important, and you don't deserve to have shame because of abuse someone put onto you. He should be outed, he should be embarrassed, he should be ashamed, not you and your sister. I'm not experienced with facing abusers, but I do think it would be extremely healing for you and your sister to both seek therapy, and finally face something that has obviously hurt you for so long. You deserve to breathe a sigh of relief and take back your truth, your hurt, and not give him the comfort of your silence.

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Hello Igmac.

 

I cannot even begin to imagine how you have dealt with all of this. The pain must be immense. You have every right to let this be known, there is no doubt about that. This guy deserves to be punished! Don't let him near your family any more, God knows what else he has done. This is not something to be swept under the rug. This is unforgivable. You were brainwashed and it was not your fault. I think if you want to stop feeling like a victim you need to do whatever it takes to reach finality in this situation. Even if this "rocks the boat", that seems like a small and deserving price for your heart to be delivered to truth. If this guy is doing something else, then you have a responsibility to point him out. It is not your fault if it causes problems, he is the criminal here! You are still brainwashed if you think it was good for your mother that you never told the world what he was doing. Is that really what you thought or is that just an excuse for not having to deal with it. Or worse yet is that something he told you?

 

I know it is not easy, and that it is complicated. But I have to imagine that the knowledge that this man molested both you, your sister, and who knows who else and got away with it because you thought it was best is a great source of pain. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find the strength to do what brings you peace, whatever path that may be.

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Let the truth be known and this monster should live with the pain he had caused. He will even take it to his grave, unless he comes out with an apology to both you and your sister followed by both your forgiveness. I highly doublt this is even forgivable. This matter will not begin to resolve without a confrontation. Your words will be heard from those who listen. In fact, I would take this opportunity of a "vacation" to confront him, when everyone's around. Your step brother will understand once he learns the truth.

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I think that you should bring it out in the open before he continues to do this to more children, i'm sure it hasnt only been you & your sister, Please dont let this happen to any more of the children who are in the family, friends, ect..

 

Maybe calling everyone in your family to come togther except him and telling them about what happened might help & they actaully believe you and you all can come up with a way of resolving this issue togther..before it's too late.

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He was very good to her, for that I am thankful.

 

Igmac, I'm really sorry for your pain, you have suffered a lot and its about time you put an end to this. It really drives me crazy to know that he is enjoying the benefits of your silence, whilst you are still suffering.

 

I worry about you seeing him as someone who was very good to your mother. I really dont believe he was. He couldnt have been, given the fact that he was busy hurting the most precious thing in your mother's life, her children. Besides, when a person is good to you, they are good to you even when you are not looking. I cant help but view him being good to your mother at the time as his way of shutting you up, especially given the fact that he knew how much she meant to you.

 

What has happened has happened, however, it does not have to affect you beyong this point. It sickens me that he is watching whilst everybody is calling you rude, when he knows very well where that is coming from. He still comes out the victim, whilst you continue suffering from his disgusting behaviour.

 

How I wish you could put an end to this by telling people exactly why you and your sister behave the way you do towards him. How I wish you could go past your fear and speak to someone professional. However, I understand that I am not in your shoes and only you can make that decision.

 

All the best and hugz.

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I am utterly dismayed on your behalf. This was a ghastly thing for you to endure, and whatever you decide to do, I wish you nothing but the best in life and in a meaningful and solid recovery from this abuse.

 

For what it is worth, I think you should brave seeing this through to what will undoubtedly be an ugly and difficult finish. I think you can do it; I think you have still more strength inside you to call on, even if it feels like you may not.

 

Take care.

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