Failing Marriage both parties at fault (longish)

[CCMan]

I am that guy. I am the one who cheated, multiple times, and loved every minute of it. Infact, it was one of the best points in my life....

 

I decided to actively pursue other women with reckless abandon. I made that choice in my head and for a time I justified it by deciding that I was going to end my marriage, so it was ok, I had checked out and was moving on. Obviously that is not right ethically or morally.

 

That was about a year and a half ago. Now as I am deployed I sit and think about the whole thing and wonder what the real cause was. I tried to divorce my wife afterwards, I tried to initiate it, and she refused to let it die that easily, taking me back, forgiving me, and being generally great in every way.

 

I sit now, physically and emotionally drawn to yet another mistress (nothing has happened however) and wonder the real cause.

 

The only thing I can reason is that when I married her, my wife was a professional, making money, going to work, being an active earner for the household that didn't think twice about the little errands or issues in life that get in the way because she had bigger issues at work. She ran a company working just under the partners in a business with over 250,000 lines of inventory. She came home and we were happy in our refuge of each other's company after work, private and alone. It was enough, we were financially solid, spent every moment we could together, and both had our separate friends as well as mutual ones.

 

Now she doesn't work, I make more alone now than we did combined back then, and I am more unhappy than ever. She is at home... all day... every day. I come home and go straight into my own leisure activities, not shared ones. I am unhappy when she bugs me, because I know all day she did nothing, and now that I am home she wants to get stuff done... together.

I can sympathize, she wants a partner to help her with boring work around the house, cause its boring to do alone, I get it.

 

One of the stipulations of staying married was that she would start working again, or go back to school to finish another degree. Neither of which have been pursued. Needless to say I am at the point where I am about to move on. The three basic things I look for in a woman are:

Intelligence, Beauty, and a strong drive to succeed.

 

Is it unreasonable at this point give her an ultimatum, I refuse to coddle a fully capable, near genius IQ, woman who is being lazy and depressed as my wife for the rest of my life.

[Ac143]

I wont say the things I want because I'll probably get in trouble. But did you ever consider she might be "down" and not motivated because she has a husband that cheated on her multiple times and "loved every minute of it" You will do her a HUGE favor by leaving...trust me. Dont give her an ultimatum, just leave. I bet you once you are out of her life she will get herself together and be better then ever.

[Seraphim]

I wont say that things I want because I'll probably get in trouble. But did you ever consider she might be "down" and not motivated because she has a husband that cheated on her multiple and "loved every minute of it" You will do her a HUGE favor by leaving...trust me. Dont give her an ultimatum, just leave. I bet you once you are out of her life she will get herself together and be better then ever.

 

I was going to say this too. The promise "in sickness and in health" should mean something. I do not think you love your wife and you should leave and find someone you do appreciate.

[monkeygirl12]

both parties at fault? you mean you and your "male member" ???, because clearly she is not at fault.. you have made all the WRONG decisions and now you are debating divorce because she is not in the financial position as before? and now may be depressed? mmm do you think that the fact that you were continously cheating is affecting her? I mean, even if she didnt find out about it how great do you think you could have been to her while cheating??? .......

 

 

You dont have the nerve to divorce her and actually found it kosher to act in a certain way and start arguments in hopes of her initiating the divorce? wowwwww! I can't find a sign of anything in the paragraphs that tells me you are a man who is ready to be COMMITED to anyone, because what should have been done is you sayin to her " I cant be with you, we need a divorce " not take her love for you as a weakness...

 

You need to leave her, and hopefully she will find someone who LOVES, CARES and RESPECTS HER..you clearly have none of the above for her.

[CCMan]

Yep about what I expected, the only reason I am still around is because she wants me to stay. We tried the whole thing again, didn't work, only seems fair to end it for both of us to me.

 

To make it understood for those who neglect to read the whole post

 

 

 

I did bring home papers and ask for a divorce, she refused and convinced me to stay based on changes we would both make, mine have been made, hers have not.

[HeartGoesOn]

You're looking for excuses, and blaming your wife to justify why you chose to cheat. This is your decision, and your choice, which has nothing to do with her.

 

If you feel that the "grass is greener" elsewhere, and feel that cheating is the answer, then why not leave, and allow your wife to move on?

[Cognitive_Canine]

How is your wife at fault exactly?

 

I understand she doesn't do anything around the house...I wouldn't either for a lying, cheating husband with no remorse.

 

You married her for the money and convenience. Now it's not fun anymore.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why did she end up leaving such a great position to stay home? Do the two of you have children? How long have the two of you been married? Did you always have a wandering eye for other ladies even when your marriage was happier? Having a partner who cheats can really throw the person into a state of depression.

[iBroken]

Yep about what I expected, the only reason I am still around is because she wants me to stay. We tried the whole thing again, didn't work, only seems fair to end it for both of us to me.

 

If thats how you feel then leave her - look out for number one.

 

Because the more you cheat the more you destroy her bit by bit. Its better to leave and let her greive and move on then to kill her daily.

[HellFrost666]

All you're trying to do is justify the fact that you can't keep it in your pants.

[CCMan]

Why did she end up leaving such a great position to stay home? Do the two of you have children? How long have the two of you been married? Did you always have a wandering eye for other ladies even when your marriage was happier? Having a partner who cheats can really throw the person into a state of depression.

 

Look theres exactly 1 analytical thinker who responded so far!

 

Lets see:

 

Left her job because we moved from Europe to the USA.

No Children

8 Years

Never had a wandering eye until about year 7, then things went to hell in our marriage, and I decided to leave, resulting in... whats mentioned.

Depression, check, got it, I am diagnosed with mild Chronic Depression. So to be completely honest, I have no sympathy for others who are depressed, I deal with it daily.

[HeartGoesOn]

I noticed that you never mentioned that you were married in this thread from 4 days ago?

 

 

[CCMan]

I noticed that you never mentioned that you were married in this thread from 4 days ago?

 

]

 

your right, and you will also notice I abandoned the thread as I decided that i am going to end something before I start something new, per advice on this forum in other threads.

[lostandhurt]

I missed the part where you wrote how is was her fault as well. Could you re-post that part in bold please.

 

You checked out when things were going good and now after you basically destroyed her self esteem you want to check out again.

 

The cause of why you betrayed your wife and marriage is the same reason you are leaving now. You are SELFISH! You care only for yourself and wants and needs and don't care who you hurt to satisfy those things.

 

If I may I would like to add a few things to your list for a potential future wife. 1 Willing to tolerate infidelity. 2 Willing to tolerate a extremely selfish husband. 3 Willing to take the blame for the problems the first to items cause in the marriage.

 

Perhaps you should figure out why you are so selfish and find it so easy to hurt the people you are supposed to love before you subject another woman to your selfishness and destruction. This willl just repeat itself if you don't.

 

Lost

[Cognitive_Canine]

Look theres exactly 1 analytical thinker who responded so far!

 

Lets see:

 

Left her job because we moved from Europe to the USA.

No Children

8 Years

Never had a wandering eye until about year 7, then things went to hell in our marriage, and I decided to leave, resulting in... whats mentioned.

Depression, check, got it, I am diagnosed with mild Chronic Depression. So to be completely honest, I have no sympathy for others who are depressed, I deal with it daily.

 

Did she "leave her job" or did she have to leave her job because she was switching countries. Why did you move?

 

Has she been looking for a job?

 

Also, I think CAD was asking if she was depressed.

[CCMan]

Yep, lostandhurt, nothing new to me, I know I am selfish, nothing new, and I always have been. Thing is I freely tell people I am the most selfish, arrogant, cocky person they will ever meet, and they think I am kidding and want to get involved even more. The Irony lol.

[Seraphim]

Then there is no point in being in a steady relationship, right?

[monkeygirl12]

Depression, check, got it, I am diagnosed with mild Chronic Depression. So to be completely honest, I have no sympathy for others who are depressed, I deal with it daily.

I feelyou have no sympathy for ANYONE. I am no Dr. but you show clear sings of a narcissist, I do not want to disrespect but that's NOTHING to be proud of "I'm the most selfish, arrogant" blah blah Mr. High AllMighty, we all must fall one day..

 

ANYWAY

 

you are clearly trying to derail the MOST IMPORTANT POINT which is that you are a cheater and should not be married , you seem to be trying to find someone who agrees that she is no longer a suitable wife because she has taken a hit financially and seems to be depressed?

[DontGetStung]

If she does go back to school or get a job, would you want to be with her? It doesn't sound like you would, even if she does fit your criteria. This sounds like a dead relationship, and has been for quite some time.

[CCMan]

If she does go back to school or get a job, would you want to be with her? It doesn't sound like you would, even if she does fit your criteria. This sounds like a dead relationship, and has been for quite some time.

 

Well, when she's active and passionate about life I honestly couldn't be happier. I am excited to get home and hear how her day was, hear her accomplishments, and share in her enthusiasm about everything.

 

Really, I guess it's just come down to me being basically checked out, and her unwillingness or inability to either come to grips with reality, that she's married to a very bad person and that she will be forced into supporting herself if we split. I am guessing thats why she wants to remain married no matter what.

 

 

We are going to be physically seperated for the next 8 months due to my job.

 

Would you

 

A: Tell her via phone that it's over, thanks for being almost perfect, I screwed up and ruined a great thing, have a nice life. Obviously more kindly than that, but the bottom line is, im the dumper, it's gona hit her harder than me.

 

or

 

B: Support her while shes alone in a foreign country for the next 8 months and break her heart when I get home?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'd end things immediately over the phone.

[Siriana]

hm.....i don't understand why she's in the States.. if you're away for 8 months she could easily live in Europe instead being unemployed and alone in a foreign country. But anyway....I think you could actually get back home to end it (if possible) and than go back to work. Can you get a vacation?

[SarahRose]

Maybe she'll find someone to cheat with while you are gone.

 

All of your posts, I get the impression you really don't care much about anything.

 

Why bother being in a marriage at all?

 

I hope you realize that these problems are 100% because of your actions.

 

Have you thought about counseling for your issues?

 

Oh btw, she can't stop you from divorcing. I think you are playing some sick game here. If you want out, file the papers and be done with it. There is nothing she can do about it if you follow through with it.