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Where do I go from here?


horizonmike

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Hi everyone, I am new to this website today. I'd really appreciate it if anyone could take the time to read my story below and offer some advice.

 

3 months ago I got together with a good friend of mine, I have known her for 3 years and we have always got on really well. It all changed one night when we ended up kissing eachother at a party and realised shortly after that we were madly in love and had to be together. The only problem was that she had just broken up with a good friend of mine and they were still living together for one more month while sorting out the breakup. Their relationship had been slowly declining over the previous 6 months but they remain very good friends. For the last few months we have barely seen eachother out of respect for our friends and her ex. They have all seen something change in us and are convinced that we like eachother. She has now moved in with her family and her ex has moved in with his family. A few days ago her ex finally confronted her on her feelings towards me and she was honest with him. He is incredibly hurt that she had not come to him sooner since they are such good friends and always tell eachother everything. Because he is hurt, our whole group of friends are angry with her and me. While they were breaking up they had even made an agreement between them that they would tell one another if they had feelings for anyone else during the breakup period or got hit on by anyone else. Obviously to save his feelings she had kept our relationship a secret.

We are both aware that it is far from the ideal way to begin a relationship but we are completely besotted with one another and cannot wait until everything has settled down so we can get on with our lives together.

 

The reason I am posting today is because although this girl and I call eachother boyfriend and girlfriend and are committed to one another (although still secretly), I am confused as to how I can make this situation easier on her and everyone. We have not seen eachother in 3 weeks but talk on the phone everyday without fail. She feels like we cannot see eachother at the moment as she feels guilty about it. She feels that hurting her ex is one of the biggest mistakes of her life and cannot progress any further with our relationship until he is happy with it. I completely understand why she feels this way and I too realise that our relationship will benefit from a break, guilt is not a good feeling to associate with us.

I know it is selfish but I am getting terribly stressed and upset about constantly being told that we can't see eachother and knowing that she is prioritising her ex boyfriend over me. She still wants us to keep in touch but I am inclined to call a break between us until everything is sorted with her ex, even though that we be terribly hard for the both of us.

Should I give her space? Should I severe all contact until she is comfortable? Should I continue speaking to her everyday? I don't want to lose this girl!!

 

Thank you so much for reading this far.

 

Mike

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it sounds like she hasn't fully told you the truth. i think if she really wanted to be with you she would have been by now. it doesn't make sense that it would take someone so long to be with the person she's supposed to be with. if they ended a long time ago, then there is nothing really stopping her being with you.

 

it sounds like she's making excuses not to spend time with you and using her ex as an excuse. i would also be careful as i have a feeling she may still be with him. i reccommend that you cool it off. she is the one making all the decisions and putting you off. i think you should avoid contact until she is totally serious about being with you. if that doesn't happen then you will know something is wrong.

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Thanks alot for your reply. I know for a fact that she is not still with him. We talk on the phone all day everyday. She is such a nice, sincere person too. I feel that she is so concerned with pleasing her ex boyfriend because they are very good friends and he is ultimately her link to all of her friends. If he hates her, so will all her friends.

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Thanks alot for your reply. I know for a fact that she is not still with him. We talk on the phone all day everyday. She is such a nice, sincere person too. I feel that she is so concerned with pleasing her ex boyfriend because they are very good friends and he is ultimately her link to all of her friends. If he hates her, so will all her friends.

 

i think she should explain the predicament she's in to her friends. they can't be good friends of hers if they're that easily influenced by her ex and will drop her just on her ex's say so. she could do with explaining the situation to them and that she's struggling to make it public with you because of hurting his feelings, etc. honesty is always the best policy and it's not like she's done anything wrong. it ended naturally, no deceit, etc.

 

i do find it unusual that she's going to such great lengths not to hurt his feelings. if she truly wants happiness with you then she should be with you and be proud. i understand that he may be hurt but it has been over with them for a while. i think it will show how serious she is about you by if she comes to you. if she keeps putting you off you should be concerned and you can't wait forever.

 

i think you should leave the ball in her court. keep her at arms length until she gets with you properly. if she doesn't then you should star questioning the relationship you have with one another.

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I can't thank you enough for taking the time to reply to me mate. I am so grateful.

 

You are pretty much confirming what I thought anyway. I just find it all very confusing, she says she loves me but is completely neglecting my feelings.

 

I have called a 2 day break with her where we don't talk at all because "I need to relax on my own and clear my head". We'll see where this goes.

 

Thanks so much.

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I can't thank you enough for taking the time to reply to me mate. I am so grateful.

 

You are pretty much confirming what I thought anyway. I just find it all very confusing, she says she loves me but is completely neglecting my feelings.

 

I have called a 2 day break with her where we don't talk at all because "I need to relax on my own and clear my head". We'll see where this goes.

 

Thanks so much.

 

thats alright mate. you're doing the right thing and the time you take away from her will give you more clarity in what your next step will be. i hope it works out.

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