guys what do you mean by havnt moved on but cant go back!!!!!

[lafifi]

hey can anyone explain this....it is really doin my head in...

 

what do the words havnt moved on mean....does it mean in the six months we have been apart....he hasnt had any other women...

 

or what...????

 

the context he used it in was emailing me...

 

saying ..

 

 

i need you to know i havnt moved on...back i cant go back..

your an amazing woman..the best wife ..i miss you as much as i did 6months ago...and not a day or night goes by when i dont think of you..

 

 

hellllllp what do i do ....he knows i am the dumper because of his drink problem....i have told him if he wants to be committed to getting off the drink....i wont to give it another go....

 

 

i have just left it in his court....going nc now day 18...just want to know whether to leave him alone completely....or still hold out hope he may change his mind.....please any men got the perspective on the words

 

I HAVNT MOVED ON??????

[learning2relax]

Sounds to me like he is baiting you to contact him and reconnect without having made the commitment to address his issue as you require. He is looking for options or another angle......My two cents. I could be totally off base here.

[JBaker]

I don't think you need to be told to hold firm to your needs (that he stop drinking). I think your options are to 1) ignore it or 2) respond by reiterating that things could work out if he was willing to work on the drinking.

[Tired Tiger]

He may love you, but the addiction has control.

[learning2relax]

Good options JBaker. I think after making it 18 days of NC, silence may make him realize that she really means it without her having to say a thing. It isn't like he contacted her stating that he joined AA or is seeking therapy, etc.... He is just providing his status in hopes of getting a response/reaction.

[lafifi]

thankyou i understand what your all saying...i definetely agree with you !!!

 

but his words i havnt moved on....??? is he referring to woman....

 

not having slept with someone or being intimate....was the first thing i thought....???

 

it that what a man would be referring to here??

 

 

thanks again ...what do you think?

[learning2relax]

To me, if asking me to analyze it.....I haven't moved on means I haven't moved on from my relationship with you since I can't commit to quitting drinking. Don't know if another woman even plays a role here.

[Tired Tiger]

Yeah, I don't see another woman being that much of an issue, anyway (which doesn't sound like there is one). The drinking is far and away the critical problem.

[lafifi]

ok interesting....lol....to be honest i thought he was referring to sleeping with other women....

 

that certainly is a possibility....i guess being his wife....i was hoping he hadnt been involved with others...

 

but i guess in 6mths....this is more than likely...

 

 

i think your thoughts on his words definetely may be referring to his situation...in which case what can i do but keep nc...

 

any men got a view on the wording????

thanks again learning2relax!!!!!

[lafifi]

okay tired tiger.....thankyou your all right!!!

 

 

hes still on the drink...so anything else doesnt and cant matter....because that is the real and bigger issue at hand..!!!!

[JBaker]

The message is not related to other women at all. There is nothing there to read into that subject at all. He may or may not have been with someone else - that is quite simply not addressed here.

 

What he is saying is that to this point he has found it impossible to move on from you. He cannot move on past his feelings for you. That part about "but I can't go back" is his way of trying to get you to respond. He is trying to tell you that he doesn't want to be with you again. I would say this is almost certainly not true. He is trying to get a response from you. The NC hurts him, and he is trying to force open communication with you again.

 

Ignoring it or reminding him that you are willing to try again if/when he quits drinking would be the way to go.

[lafifi]

THANKYOU!!!!!!!!!

WOW....thats interesting...i truly never would have thought that....

 

i have been doing nc because all i could read was ....BUT I CANT GO BACK...

 

my reply was to the original email....that i loved him and it has to be his choice with hundreds of kisses.....

 

and he never replied...

 

so now what......am in limbo ....because he never replied...i presumed i needed to go nc....

 

which is now nearly 3 weeks...

 

is it up to him to contact me,....or should i just write to him about some trivia like a bill and try and restart communication...

 

????????????????????????

[lafifi]

I presumed because he never replied...that he meant..he cant go back!!!!

 

Aaaaahhhh its doin my head in!!!

 

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JBaker]

I presumed because he never replied...that he meant..he cant go back!!!!

 

Aaaaahhhh its doin my head in!!!

 

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

This is what I am getting from your situation:

 

You broke up with him because his drinking has become too much of a problem. At this point he has two choices:

1. Stop drinking and straighten out his life in order to work things out with you, or

2. Keep living like he was living and lose you.

Now that you have made that decision you have to stick to it. Whether he takes this opportunity to change is up to him. He has thus far been unwilling to show you he has changed, and it has been six months. The best thing for you to do now is move on yourself. Find someone new who is willing to to provide what you need out of a relationship.

 

In the meantime, while you are moving on and (hopefully) meeting new men, the door is still open with your ex. But only if he shows you that he has made the changes that you need.

 

Basically, what it boils down to is: now that you have made yourself clear on what you need (by issuing an ultimatum) you must stick to it. He has shown himself unwilling to change, so now you must stick to the ultimatum and move on.

[lafifi]

ok your right...its just so easy to forget the bigger issue...when you get caught up in the story....of ...am i worth giving up the drink....

 

plus i hate to think hes been with someone else possibly...and still on the drink...

 

and making all these choices without me in the picture...

 

thanks for your words...

 

will stay on nc....

 

he knows where i am...your right...

 

but it doesnt take away the craziness of the heart ....and the mind will he ring....etc...

and what and where he is.....

 

 

thanks again...i really appreciate everyones thoughts....x

[minou]

He hasn't moved on means he still loves you, I think. Go to alanon. I recommend it so very strongly. By the way he will never stop drinking just because you tell him to. You know that. At this point he's lost you for six months and he probably still hasn't stopped or he would be with you now. Again, please go to alanon. It's invaluable. Try more than one meeting before you decide if it's for you or not.

[minou]

By the way my husband and I initially split up (the last time, we are separated again) because of an addiction issue. The separation did lead him to change some of the addiction behaviors. I was not able to be with him again, however, until I went to alanon and learned how to deal with loving an addict. I made the mistake of not staying in it when we got back together (my work schedule changed and made it hard). I am convinced we would have made it without another separation had I stayed in alanon. It can bring healing to family situations, but mostly it will heal you. Very best wishes.

[lafifi]

thanks minou!!!!

 

sounds like you have also had the experience of loving someone who also has an addiction..will go back...i didnt think there was any point if i wasnt with him..!!!

 

but i see what your saying....to heal me is the most important and only thing i can do here....will keep you all posted and many thanks againx

[iBroken]

Just because someone hasnt moved on, doesnt mean there are no women involved. It could simply mean that he hasnt moved on to the point that he is capable of being with other women.

 

I read that he is reaching out to you. Saying he hasnt moved on after 6 months. But then he says out loud that he cant go back. To me, his message is clear.

 

And I agree with you that there are still other issues at hand here that need to be dealt with before either of you two even look back.

[drewciouS281]

I know you love him but obviously he is chosing his alcoholism over you. That should tell you something in itself. If its really eating at you, you can try sending him a letter or something stating something along the lines that from your last conversation where he stated he is not over you but cant come back, what exactly did he mean by that. If you wanted, you can state that you would give him another shot IF he cleaned up his act but ask him for a concrete answer as to what he means and if he truly cant come back, than you need to finalize it by letting it completely go! Six months is a long time and if he has not changed within that time what goes to show he will change a year from now?