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tactics of the "listener" ?? yea you...


sickoflosing

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ailrite i know that some of you on this board are people liek this. theres gotta be. spill your guts. i wanna know what it is that you guys/gals do to put a wedge in someone else's relationship and get the guy/girl you want in the end. im am curious of you intentions.. so if you are one of those people heres what i wanna kno...

 

1. how you start this behavior?

 

2. how do you know when to back off or proceed further?

 

3. what kind of things do you do/ say?

 

4. how do you convince the person you're after to go to you instead?

 

5 and finally ya got em(now) when you do how

you stay/use/love them until you had enough?

 

6. and finally how do you end it?

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1. how you start this behavior?

 

2. how do you know when to back off or proceed further?

 

3. what kind of things do you do/ say?

 

4. how do you convince the person you're after to go to you instead?

 

5 and finally ya got em(now) when you do how

you stay/use/love them until you had enough?

 

6. and finally how do you end it?

Well I haven't seen any/many posts about this topic on this forum, but have seen it happen ALOT in real life: to me and other girls mostly.

 

I find this behavior doesn't start intentionally. Usually it begins when there is a guy-girl friendship and the guy starts falling for the girl and liking her.

Women can be friends with guys platonicly. Guys... err not all the time (specially if they find the girl attractive) and if they like her character too then chances are they "want" her. They figure if she's giving them attention she probably must like them a bit romantically or be attracted, so therefore they have some chance.

 

I've seen one guy (who was the girls best friend and liked her) make up lies about her bf (e.g. lie that he beats her, he cheats on her, etc.) to other people. Or he would try and influence her when she'd ask for advice- obviously not trying to get her to make peace with her bf, but instead break it off.

Or when she has good news, obviously the "listener" isn't too happy.

 

I had a guy friend who used to have a crush on me. I saw him as just a friend. I knew and would try not to speak too much about the bf and hurt his feelings, but he'd ask himself. And he'd make rude jokes. So I could tell he wasn't upto much good.

 

I've never seen the "listener" get the girl so far. Over time the girl either:

1. catches on to what he's trying to do.

2. never was interested to begin with.

 

 

This is just from MY observations. No situation is alike.

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Your ex is still with him or wants revenge on him?

 

Sorry it happened to you and I've seen my friends bf and what he went thru. He was humiliated b/c of the rumors that where spread about him, and the possible losing of his long term gf.

 

I know it sounds silly now, but what's the point in putting energy in getting revenge on him?

He is what he is and now he has the reputation of being a "snake" and lying (I assume) to get what he wants. That's bad enough. Plus the truth always comes out. He should be ashamed of himself if he lied and manipulated.

 

Did things end with your gf/now ex then?

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yea i dunno all the details but he definitly was trashing me to her and flirtin it up and makin her feel like something so "special" it burns me im very angry still. and what now she gunna get used up for a while and im sure hes got some other girls on the side...so what he ditches her after a while and then she may crawl back to me or sumthin? makes no sense...but she did change her number so that says alot to me really. she still got mine..so something dont quite add up here

 

 

 

yeap..snakes slither in the grass but wait til the lawnmower comes around mwahaha.

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Sick- read the book "Uncoupled" you can find it on google books. It's covered very well there. Basically your gf (and mine) look for someone to complain to (and tell secrets to). They won't complain to people who would defend you. In my case, it was her sister and this douche bag she was hanging out with. The complaints/secrets start out small and since the guy is listening she feels respected. Like I said, check out the book.

 

I actually found myself doing this with a close gal friend of mine except the difference was I made sure everything I said to my friend had already been said to my gf at the time. I also told myself that I would never cross boundaries. There are no secrets in good relationships.

 

As a side note, I went out last Friday for my gal friends bday to a club event. My ex was to be there and my sister and her friend also showed up since that was to be my first encounter with the ex since the break-up. The douche bag unknowingly tried to pick up on my sister. She looked back and said "stay away, I know all about you." He kept pursuing. My sis says "you don't get it, I'm [my_name]'s sister." Apparently he had a shocked look on his face. F'n scumbag.

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good im glad your sis did that. me i wish my situation was more uhh...people on my side. i have no way of just bumping into the ex anywhere really. and my ex also said .."dont talk to my friends" so shes trash talking to make herself loook good and avoid guilt. its an all uphill battle for me. ill have to try and keep my friend close and my enemies even closer. easier said then done

 

look out snakes tha mowers gettin started..

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Best ways to avoid "listeners" from breaking up your relationships?

 

Listen to them yourself.

 

My ex didn't listen to me no matter how many times he promised. I told him I needed him to stand up for me when his parents called me a * * * * and laughed at me behind my back, and he never did. I told him I needed him to stop putting so much pressure on me in the relationship, he said he's stop but never did. I told him I needed him to stop patronising me, he kept doing it. He made so many empty promises.

 

This is not an attack at the OP, I am not saying everyone who loses their partner to a "listener" is ignoring their problems, this is general advice as I believe this is what causes some of these break ups.

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hmm yes possibly.. and i accept my part of the break up.. but however she will not admit to her wrongdoings. she didnt make the attempts to talk for quite some time. but oh well she takes that baggage with her with the next guy...love that illusion while it lasts ex. hes gunna do something that i have done... an poof..that suppressed anger will well to the surface..and apparently she has alot of that towards me.

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Basically the idea is to chip away at her interest in her boyfriend. They do this by listening to her problems and lightly bashing the boyfriend. They validate and reinforce these negative feelings toward the boyfriend. They also remind them often of the negative attributes of the boyfriend.

 

At the same time as this, they are building themselves up to appear (or actually be) better than the boyfriend - especially in the areas that the boyfriend is lacking and causing the girl unhappiness.

 

I am sorry to have to tell you that it is not always (or even usually) bad guys or players that employ this tactic. You seem to have the impression that because this guy chose this route that he is a bad guy that will eventually hurt her. That is not necessarily true. He may be a bad guy, but this alone is not enough to suggest that he is.

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If a guy doesn't listen to me, I'm gone. Generally into the arms of a man that will. Being taken for granted or ignored is something sooo many men do. When you find one that listens, actually listens, it is irresistible!!! Next time, pay attention to your mate. If you listen and care, nothing will drive you apart.

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hmm yes possibly.. and i accept my part of the break up.. but however she will not admit to her wrongdoings.

 

That is because her new guy was whispering in her ear that she was doing nothing wrong - that you were the cause of all of the relationship woes. Eventually she will be able to look at it from an objective standpoint and her view might change, but don't count on it. If she does, it will probably be far too late and you will have long since moved on.

 

I realize that your bitterness towards her, him, and the whole situation is justified... But I am concerned for you. This bitterness could slow down your healing and it could ruin your next attempt at a relationship with someone new. It could cause you to become jaded towards relationships in general. I hope you can resolve this bitterness soon even though she, he, and the situation deserves it.

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yep i know man. its just too bad tho..i lost a good girl to immaturity. its still pretty fresh in the break up ..a month so i do got a ways to go. now i dont even look at her in the same way anymore. but yet i have this gut feeling she will try coming back eventually. i aint hoping either cuz she disgusts me

 

 

oh he definitly is man..i had a girl hittin on him on her im and he was right up for her calling and getting something "started" and was doin that to my now ex..so what u think ?

 

and as far as not listening to her..well she is a full time nursing student and works full time..that guy works with her as well. so he saw her more then i did course he was gunna say i dont listen to her. i did reach out

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I'm not the listener break-uper type. But I have a friend who is. And she's good at it. She basically just talks to the guy and lets him be himself and doesn't show and ounce of judgement in her face...She says that she gets the guy to need her and accepts whatever it is they do and eventually they come over to her.

 

I've seen her do it 2 times myself in college. My friend is scandalous tho-she's like angelina jolie tho-somehow she steals other peoples men and people end up telling her how great she is for doing it. Go fig

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If a guy doesn't listen to me, I'm gone. Generally into the arms of a man that will. Being taken for granted or ignored is something sooo many men do. When you find one that listens, actually listens, it is irresistible!!! Next time, pay attention to your mate. If you listen and care, nothing will drive you apart.

 

Which is how I ended up with my boyfriend. As I said earlier, my ex ignored our problems. He never cheated on me or deliberately treated me badly but he kept on ignoring when I told him something was bothering me and was putting me through a lot of emotional distress with various aspects in his life. I couldn't take it anymore, there was so much drama and so many empty promises that it was going to get better, and it lead to me falling out of love months before I met anyone else...I just stayed with him because I felt responsible for him, and thought maybe through persistance I would make myself fall in love with him again.

 

My boyfriend, well at first he said that he was trying to help me feel better and told me to not give up trying to work things out with my ex, he's really against cheating and didn't even cheat on his own ex when he was in the same situation a few months previously because he felt it'd be wrong. He said he wanted to be my friend at least. I talked to him, because I wanted to talk to someone, my ex wouldn't listen, and I wasn't ready to let my family and close friends know about my doubts over the relationship with my ex. It only became more than that when I announced to him that I was going to leave my ex, because the relationship was long dead.

 

I'm still with my now-boyfriend, and it's been a year and almost three months since we were official. We're doing great. And when something is wrong? We talk about it and make it better. Everything is much more stable with him and I don't have the emotional stress and drama anymore.

 

So I can't stress enough how important it is to listen when they talk to you. I am not saying that I didn't have a part in the downfall too with my ex, because I did, I also should have left the relationship sooner and before finding someone else. I am not saying it's always the dumpee's fault when this happens, because sometimes it's not their fault at all. Many couples however could have been saved with open and honest communication, and listening. Become the listener yourself within your own relationship, and you both can work out the problems from each of your sides once you know how they are affecting the other.

 

If you have done nothing wrong, then that person probably had already fallen out of love due to their own issues, and the listener is just the new guy/girl for them to move on to. The listener wouldn't be using any tactics to steer them away from you, they would pretty much just be playing the usual seduction game.

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Best ways to avoid "listeners" from breaking up your relationships?

 

Listen to them yourself.

 

If it were only that simple. My ex didn't bother communicating her issues. At most I got an "I am unhappy". Like they mention in the book Uncoupling, sometimes even they don't know why they are unhappy and if they don't know, how could they possibly let you know?

 

I'm really frustrated with this whole situation. As I read more, I'm really questioning whether or not I want to ever get involved with someone else. This seems to be an all to frequent theme, especially with females.

 

Maybe my view is too simplistic, but as someone who is trying to get their message accross, I feel it is the job of the communicator to *effectively* communicate their message. Whether it be verbal, written, or by some other means. Telling me you are unhappy but continuing to be intimate with me or doing all the other things as normal sends the message that everything is ok. Believe me, when I have an issue, I'll let you know loud and clear.

 

And I'm with sick, these "listeners" are scumbags of the lowest kind. Some of us choose to operate with standard of ethics, these people clearly do not. My ex cheated with her "listener". The fact that he would sleep with someone who is in a committed relationship tells you exactly what a scumbag he was.

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I agree about truly listening to a partner so she doesn't go abe vent elsewhere. I was having this happen to me recently since my bf refused to listen to me.

I began talking to my male best friend about things which where bothering me alot and I had to get off my chest. Worries, insecurities, etc. If my bf was open to listening it wouldn't have happened.

I also thing it's important for both people in the relationship to agree on not talking to other people about the relationship from the beginning. You can avoid the "listener" this way.

 

Of course, I also agree listeners are also to blame. Specially when lying.

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