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I'm not dead...either is she. So as far as I am concerned it's not "too late." The phrase has been bugging me after hearing it countless times since last Saturday when my GF of two years broke it off.


I hate that she claims that I am saying everything she hoped to hear, but it is "too late." I particularly am baffled that I learn that she wanted to move in, get married, and have children as recently as a week ago. Now? You guessed it, "too late."


Yeah, there's the new guy...or, actually, old guy. He comes back into the picture all of a sudden. They were friends 2 1/2 years ago. Only hooked up when they were drunk so I was told. He left town and arrived back last fall. Now he has stated feelings that were apparently bottled up for so long. Where does that leave me...trying to save a relationship that about a week ago was going along swimmingly.


Can't get her on the phone. Can't see her in person. We dealt with the fallout of our relationship on Messenger. Really? She said her heart is broken. She also said that she would will be on a date with the guy this week and asked that I act cordial should I see them in public. Let me weigh in on that...my heart is broken too...don't think I'll be in public too soon, let alone with a new women on my arm.


She wanted the world from me, I am honest, and offer her all I can. But, it's "too late."

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I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I would go into strict no contact.


Something similar happened to me, another guy enters the picture then all the issues that she never bothered to discuss come out and it's too late to work things out.

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Pssshaw "It's Too late"


She just wanted to get back with the guy because he probably found out theat you two were getting married, probably through her and he put on all the charms to stop that so she said okay and hooked up with him, in turn causing her guilt and doubt in the strength of the relationship between you two.


Pick and choose.


This is who she has chosen.

I can understand if you feel intense hurt and intense anger because none of it was your fault.


This world is a place people will hurt others without even the slightest bit of sorry.


How they do it I don't know.


I guess you already know there is no hope for you two now.....


Well be around until you decide to leave here.

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another one??..im sorry man it stings real bad. im gettin sick of all these kinds of lowlife scum that just up and leave with lame excuses. too late. pff such lies. yea im sure that guy was the "listener" at first.


i really think that relationships and problems should start being taught in school at an early age.

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not much you can do at this point. a new person in her life will always win in that department. she needs space...you need space. hopefully you can both respect that for the time being...as difficult as it will be.


that line is tough to swallow, definitely. i heard something similar. sounds like she'd checked out long ago. that's how it tends to work. the comfort kept her around, until she found a way to finally escape. there's probably nothing you could have said to change her mind...and in a lot of ways it probably wouldn't have seemed genuine to her.


i don't know your details, but perhaps these things you were saying to her, things that she'd wanted to here...were things that came up because you felt you were going to lose her? i'm not saying you didn't mean them, only that from her perspective, it may have been difficult to really accept what you were saying...to trust the sincerity. put yourself in her shoes if you can.


have you heard of al turtle? if you're looking for some words of wisdom...a proactive approach to your situation...he may offer you some insight. he's got a website. might help you to make some sense of the situation...and to figure out what's best for you for the time being.


welcome to the journey. hope you find your way.

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Thank you all for the welcome. I don't want to say that it's good that I'm not alone in this experience...only because that means you all have had to endure the same sillly excuses from a SO.


phaze - I will hope the NC contract route will serve me well. In the past I've been less than stellar at it. I've never been a big fan, but now, why not? If I hear from her, it'd only be if she has determined that I'm a worthy receipient of the follow-up prize.


vertigoxo - Thanks for the well wishes. I know the emotions will be all over the place in the weeks to come...and I will experience about three different changes all in the midst of typing this post, but at least for now, although heartbroken, the current helping of anger is surprisingly soothing.


ibroken - it does s*ck. I have been there for her time after time. She has had her share of drama, and then some. Each time I was there, willingly, to help pick up the mess. The beginning of the end started when I, for the first time, really reached out for her. The economy caught up to me, or it least my company, and I recently joined the ranks of the unemployed. I internalize, but this time, I spoke up...let her know that I wasn't in a good place. In the end, she wasn't there...told me she didn't know how to react. It wouldn't have taken much, compassion...and her presence...that's about it.


In the Dark - I agree, that he definitely sensed a bit of doubt, maybe weakness, and saw an opening. He got what he was seeking. Too bad I will not be around when this blows up. This has happened to me before...the exact situation. Crazy to believe, but prior to this, in a six year relationship. Again, that SO and I had bought a house together. Five months later, an old flame from her past shows up at her 10 year reunion. I don't know about any of this at the time, but five months later I get quite the unwelcome surprise. I don't know where these guys come from. Not that the women can't take their share of the blame, but who steals a women who is in a committed relationship. I don't know these people. Never met one, not a friend, a co-worker, nothing...but they seem to always find their way into my life.


Sickoflosing - Not a bad idea about teaching social norms in the classroom, but food for thought. My SO and the ex before her...both teachers...both cheaters. Go figure.


90 hour sleep - I agree on the space...I also agree it'll be touch and go at times. Given my present situation, I will have a lot of free time which will lead to alot of contemplating the events and which may or may not lead to those impulses to continually open up contact (knowing all along it'll only make things worse and push things further away). Regarding her checking out...I would normally agree, odd thing here was how there were NO signs, none. Things were actually, in her words, the best they'd been in the entire relationship no more than three weeks back. She had people asking "when are you expecting a ring?" Moving along, I think you are spot on regarding what I was saying to her not ringing true in her head. I can see that from her perspective. From my vantage point, I could have vocalized better, both on my own accord and if she had stated her intentions and timetable more clearly at any point. I didn't know she was working on the clock until I started hearing comparasions about other couples...how their relationships had advance beyond ours. I guess that was her cue to cut bait. Finally, thanks for the recommendation of Al Turtle...not familiar but will take a look, I could always use further guidance.


Best to all of ya'll in your journeys back to normal.

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I'm a bit torn. Yesterday, as I mentioned in the original post, I learned all I could about the demise of my relationship on Messenger.


It took hours as I wanted to leave it all on the table. I wasn't sappy or groveling (at least from this perspective...which is understandably bias), but I did want to express my feelings fully.


I told my SO how I loved her and she responded that she didn't know I felt 'that' strongly. I took responsibility for those things that were my responsibility and discussed my willingness to take additional steps to improve our relationship. So, it was what she always wanted to hear...but she didn't trust my words...and thought it was said in a state of panic...that I would say and do anything at all cost to salvage our relationship...that I was trying to manipulate the situation to my liking.


That is not the case. I internalize. I shouldn't, but I do. It effected another long-term relationship as well. It's not intentional, but my emotional display is often muted. It makes the SO feel as though they are more invested than me.


So, the question. I feel a strong pull to write a quick message, a follow-up. I want to reiterate that what I said...that it was said from the heart, not in desperation. That it was genuine and that I do feel that way, I do take my portion of the responsibility, and I will make those improvements necessary regardless. I would end in stating that "I understand your position, I'm not seeking a response"...as at this point it would only be negative anyhow. I just want her to know that it is genuine and I do stand by those words.


Good/bad idea?

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hey again,


in response to your last response...


this is just an opinion, but reiterating at this point would likely have no effect. if she hasn't felt it yet, does it seem likely than anything will have changed in such a short period? it's fantastic that you're willing to make the effort, and regardless of how this situation develops, it sounds as if any growth you work towards will be worthwhile. you've already found some answers...acknowledged some things about yourself that you've noticed with this relationship and the other that you referred to. the motivation for growth will come from pain. yes...it hurts tremendously...but it will help you to move forward. it's an opportunity for you to really open some doors within yourself. you've been emotionally muted? have you discovered why? have you discovered what you can do to become more open?


as al turtle suggests, i don't think it hurts to have some form of contact. although, at this point, it doesn't seem likely that that will do you any favours. everything is so fresh right now. you're both at a stage where you're still very reactive to everything that's going on. with that reactivity always looms the potential for more problems.


so, you have a path. you're committed to a bit of self-discovery. that's good. the idea is to remain visible. if you're in a position to let her see you, then perhaps you can do that. it doesn't mean you need to have lengthy conversations. just...remain visible. let her draw her own conclusions. that's ultimately what has to happen anyway. no amount of ''convincing'' (acknowledged or not by you) will have any effect on her. it really makes sense when you think of it that way. you're not trying to show her that you're better off without her...only that you are capable of stepping up to the plate and working with yourself. you're giving her space...and you're also showing an incredible amount of composure by showing that you have the same respect for yourself. does that make any sense?


i guess, in my opinion, writing to her at this point seems somewhat redundant. but, you're going to do whatever your own heart tells you to do. if it really feels right for you, then i'm sure you'll go ahead. have some trust in yourself. be honest. open yourself to that if you can.



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