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im meeting my ex...help


MaryContrary

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i have posted under another thread called "ex is wimpier than i thought"

 

we are meeting up

and although i wish he still had feelings i think he is interested in being friends only

i am torn still between just having an open conversation so i can really move on or whether i should follow the advice on this forum which is just simply to go and have a good time to see if something can be rekindled

 

i feel like what if i dont say what i need to say (for myself) and we never see him again? i feel like i will end up exactly where i was before with no closure and i will feel stuck

 

on the other hand if i am more open and honest (not that i have to get drippy or anything) but just be real and just be me....then maybe i will be released from this torture. that maybe i can move on knowing that i learned from the relationship and i feel proud of being able to face my fear. and that maybe this is in preparation for my next love which may be the "real thing" and i will be ready for it having done "the work" with this current ex?????

 

any thoughts? i just dont know.

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Isn't this the guy who vanished into thin air without breaking up with you, who you invited to go out as friends? Did you mean that or did you want to try to get back together? I don't know why you'd want to get back together with someone who dumped you with absolutely no verbal comment, but since you do want to know what happened, I should think it would come up quite naturally as conversation. Anyone in the same situation would be curious about what happened. But, since you said you wanted to get together as friends, try to have fun if you can. Then decide what you want to do with this.

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Yes, yes and yes.

 

Go and have a good time. Realize the closure will come from you, not from him (don't worry that is tough). Just be you. If you feel yourself getting emotional, get out of there. Have no fear. You have nothing to fear. Remember that even if you want him to be a certain way, you cannot make him. So don't try.

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Hi,

 

Why did you break up? How long have you been apart? Has there been a period of NC?

 

I'll cut to the chase:

 

If the above poster is correct, then I would seriously consider forgetting him. If he hasn't got the balls to end it properly in the first instance, backpedal and call you up saying he wants to be "buddies"... If you're emotionally vulnerable and or drunk and he makes an advance, it might just end up as no strings ex-sex.

 

You need to take control of this situation and show that it's not just a friendship you want. You want a mature, confident person that values you for more than physical stuff.

 

You want a man. This guy doesn't sound like one.

 

Yeah, you can do better.

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Thanx guys...all great advice

yes this is the guy who vanished withiout a word. And he doesn't deserve this.

I just thought maybe there was a chance that he got scared freAked out and then thought I would be too pissed

but I think he just wants friendship. I was the one to initiated contact and asked x the meet up. He agreed. I'm sure he knows that I may ask him what hPpened. If I don't i think it would be strange.

Ithink I have to broach the subject but not in an accusatory way but more out of friendly curiosity, right?

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Thanx guys...all great advice

yes this is the guy who vanished withiout a word. And he doesn't deserve this.

I just thought maybe there was a chance that he got scared freAked out and then thought I would be too pissed

but I think he just wants friendship. I was the one to initiated contact and asked x the meet up. He agreed. I'm sure he knows that I may ask him what hPpened. If I don't i think it would be strange.

Ithink I have to broach the subject but not in an accusatory way but more out of friendly curiosity, right?

 

It's disrespectful of him to treat you this way. I know you're hurting and need to see him. He'll say something like "it was moving to fast and I got scared or confused...haha" Yeah, he'll wimp out on you again as well. Do him a favour and kick him into touch. This dude needs a slap lol

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What would happen (or be so bad) if you told him that you changed your mind about meeting up? Would he then take the initiative to try and meet up again? Perhaps you can get your answers that way. Make him wonder why you backed out and cause him to make the move forward and initiate with you. This would be a better situation for you given the vanishing act and if he did freak out.

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Hmm...this situation is similar to mine in a way. Mine got scared, ran away and had no answers for me. You could try to ask, and I even did this as well in a way to get some more practice with expressing my feelings and being more forward, but that's all it's good for...helping me. He doesn't have any answers, and it took me a while to figure that out. I just talked to a guy about this tonight and he shed some light on the issue.

 

When they run away like that they are scared and confused and they only know most of why. They have tons of little reasons (mostly excuses) and then there's a totally gray area that they don't even understand of why. It can't be explained and they can't put it into words. The friend told me that even if they could put it into words, they know that some of it would be really harsh and wouldn't explain all of it anyway A lot of it is simply fear and there's no point over analyzing. Of course there's the possibility that 'he's just not that into you' or whatever. Was the relationship getting pretty serious? Seems like if there was some actual reasons he would have said them at some point.

 

The thing is, you had so many months of NC so why didn't he reach out to you? He may be a lost cause now, but he may have been thinking you are done with him. So the only way you can know is if you see him...the thing with him ducking out and being sick is something that mine did to me (early on though) that time he was sick, the other couple times he was making excuses because he was honestly just scared to see me! I wouldn't suggest you ducking out and seeing his reaction because that sends the wrong message to him, you don't need to be play that game anymore and it would confuse him. Best to go out with him, be friendly and see what happens!

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Interesting perspective AS. I would suggest though not looking for explanations or answers - that may just push him away. When you get together, if you want him to consider giving it another go, stay away from the relationship talk and just focus on enjoying his company and showing him that it is "safe." Otherwise, the walls may just come up and you start all over again.

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Interesting perspective AS. I would suggest though not looking for explanations or answers - that may just push him away. When you get together, if you want him to consider giving it another go, stay away from the relationship talk and just focus on enjoying his company and showing him that it is "safe." Otherwise, the walls may just come up and you start all over again.

 

Oh definitely, he probably doesn't have any answers and asking would make things worse. It'll definitely push him away, I've made that mistake for sure! The walls come up, the excuses pour out...plus a bit of hostility. Lucky for me, my ex (or whatever he is) is a bit more in tune with his emotions so he was able to tell me how scared and confused he was and how he couldn't explain it. He truly has a lot of feelings for me and loves me deeply, which is why he is conflicted.

 

Steer clear of all the relationship talk if you want to rekindle things, have fun etc. If it seems to you after a few dates that he isn't interested (maybe a gut feeling, he is too distant and not wanting to get close to you) then you can decide to try and get some closure by asking. You deserve that much anyway...but who knows you are in a good position having kept on with NC you can show your interest and if he shows it back then make him work for it!

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hey everyone thanx for the advice

 

i just have this feeling that if i dont approach the subject that it would weird NOT to talk about it for him as well. doesnt it happen often that its the woman who has to bring up the subject? so often i hear that it is.

 

i am sure that he thinks he is going to get slammed by me...but i am not that way. how can i tell him that it would be good for him to open up to? to be easy open ...i think that if you are comfortable talking about things that it so often makes the other person open up.

 

i just think i am at the point that i wont respect myself if i dont talk about it.

if i dont talk about it, it will be more of the same unknowing bouts of silence and i dont think i can handle that. i want to move forward with my life.

 

in my hopes, it would be the thing that breaks it open. and he would be happy that i am not mad anymore and that he would welcome talking about what happened. and that he would realize that he misses me and that i am someone that can get him to open up and he would realize that he needed someone like that in his life.

 

being able to open up and show your feelings shows strength right?

 

plus if i didnt talk about it wouldnt that be obvious that i just wanted t o get back with him? what would be the attraction?

 

wouldnt it be more attractive if someone was willing to be open with you, wouldnt be mad at you, but was willing to let you go and doesnt "need" to hang on to mere crumbs from you? he likes fiesty women i know that. there was so much banter, teasing, in the beginning. i would often roll my eyes at him and shake my head. so i know he likes women that are strong.

 

my plan is to go in there and have fun. afterall it will be really good to see him. and bring up the "what happened" thing at some point. but not in an accusing kind of a way. if he turns off the subject or gets abrupt, then i can call him out on things. afterall, if thats his attitude to get abrupt then i will have my final answer which is that this guy cant deal at all with anything and cant have an open dialogue becaseu the really is to afraid to go there. and he isnt the kind of person i can be with. i want that mutual respect and communication in a relationship.

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and i forgot to add because i believe in positive visualization

 

that if i could picture it going really well...it woul dbe that i would start the conversation and be open and comfortable....laugh maybe a little, and not be hostile or agitated...and just say "so by the way...what exactly happened? i am curious" and maybe that he would be open to me and tell me what he was going thru at the time. and that i would start to respect him back because he was being honest with me. he would apologize for his behaviour. and i would also tell him that the reason why i wanted to get together is because i wasnt happy with the way that I acted towards the end which is that i just completely shut down. that it was a new year and i didnt want to look back at 2009 and regret that i ran away from confronting the situation. that yes, he should have called, but i could have called too. and i didnt want to look back and feel bad about being fearful. but that i wanted to feel good about how things happened.

 

then...IF there is still chemistry after having had open open dialogue then it means we may still have something

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my brother just gave me the best advice which is partly what i said and partly what the other posters have said

he said i was walking trying to "Control" the situation and to try to "get" what i needed. bad.

he said to run around the block and have a drink to relax

he said "just be" and try to observe. try to think of how he feels rather than trying to get what you need FROM him. he will be nervous too. to try and make the other person comfortable. laugh he said. if you are open and comfortable then hes more likely to feel the same. that he thinks the guy will be extremely guarded in the beginning. that i may not get everything i need in a short time span. to not try and "possess the outcome

but that if any point in the conversation the guy is steamrolling over me...that i can just pull over to the side and say "wait, hold on"

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