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Agh feel awful - advise!?


headwreck

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Just came back from seeing a show he did. Feel awful. People have been telling me to ignore the crumbs he's been showing me so when he came over to me I just said "well done" (wanted to tell him how proud I was) and turned and talked to someone else. I feel like I kicked a puppy and then later he was ignoring me.......

 

Which doesn't seem right....

 

Left him chatting up another girl....

 

He's online now, really want to say something like well done again

 

What to do?! Maintain that I don't care?

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Well if he knows you went to see him yet you have yet to have a moment to tell him kudos... then by all means to so... briefly and politely AND expect nothing in return... if he does return a thank you please realize he is just being polite... don't read anything into which I know if very very very hard... our minds work wicked ways sometimes

 

I know it hurts trying to act like you don't give a darn when really you do... but you must look after you and not let him trample over your feelings.

 

HUGS

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Maybe just send him a quick note that says "enjoyed the show, sorry I didn't chat with you, still feeling a little uneasy about this."

 

But before doing that, how do you feel about him right now? What do you want to happen? What are the obstacles which are keeping that from happening?

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He's the one who hurt you and broke things off, right? Don't worry about turning away after you said well done. You did congratulation him. you could have ignored him altogether and you didn't. In fact, you even showed up for the show. Let him see you having fun on your own, as you are. If he changes his mind, he'll come after you.

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He's the one who hurt you and broke things off, right?

 

He's the one that broke things off just before he went working abroad for 6 weeks bc he wasn unsure and can't see himself marryign anyone or a future with anyone.... (bring out the violins)

 

Thanks it's just he was ignoring me later.....

 

I was pretty mean, he came over to my groups, tapped me on the shoulder and I just turn round say well done and walk off. I feel so childish and my friends say he looked visibly shocked. I'm just so sick of the crumbs!

 

Everyone says if I want him back I should "treat him mean" so to speak, go nc as much as possible...

 

But in my heart I believe that if we are to have a chance i should stay friends and bear the pain that that may bring,

 

I feel my best bet is to contact him about something different tomorrow, if he's online send a joke etc....and pretend like he was imagining my rudeness....is this too manic and mood swingy?

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I don't think you should send him a note, apologizing or anything. Just do your best to LET IT GO. If he is going to ignore you because of ONE time you chatted up other people instead of giving him more attention, well then so be it.

 

As the last poster said, the sun does not rise and set on him and as long as you believe that it DOES (even a little bit), you're not going to get anywhere. Staying "friends" rarely works, in my experience.

 

Don't contact him. Try not to worry about it. You went to see his show, and then you congratulated him. That's more than a lot of people could handle. I don't go to ANY shows that my ex is in that don't involve me. I don't want to be there while he's chatting up other women, etc. You were cordial, right? You did the best you could, under the circumstances. Do not apologize, above all! You have nothing to apologize for. Hang in there!

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Sounds like you want the possibility to reconcile.....You also said your friends have advised you to "be mean."

 

My suggestion would be to treat him as an acquaintance. In situations like this, being mean is doing nothing more than trying to make him feel like he made you feel by ignoring you. I don't think you have to be mean in order for him to get the message or have the realization that his behavior was inappropriate and not respectful of you with what you shared when you were together.

 

Be the better person. Maintain your dignity. Yes, he hurt you, but part of healing is letting it go. The saying goes "you get more bees with honey than vinegar." I am not saying to go out of your way to be overly nice or to fawn all over him. By going to his show - he knows you were there and will consider why. Paying him the compliment was perfectly nice and appropriate. You wouldn't spend a lot of time chatting up a simple acquaintance. I wouldn't worry about apologizing to him for not giving him more or hanging around to chat. Remember, he broke up with you. You don't owe him any explanations If he wants a chance with you, he will spend time figuring out why things are where they are with you and he isn't getting more than he is. He will have to consider what he did that causes your interactions to be where they are.

 

I believe that if he wants a chance to reconcile with you and figures it out, he will make attempts to get back what he wants. If you treat him as an acquaintance, are cordial, reserved and generally friendly as you would be to anyone else that you treat this way, he will be more likely to approach you if he wants a chance. If he thinks you hate him, he may think he screwed up so badly, fear rejection and consider not making the attempt.

 

As far as being friends......my belief is that it is torture for both of you to do this. It also stalls or pauses the healing you both need to do. You don't owe him friendship. Only consider friendship if you are willing to risk only getting friendship and nothing more. Consider how it would feel as his friend (at this point in your healing) for him to be dating others with you in his life in this way. Would you feel resentful because you are being friends in hopes of changing his mind? Friendship keeps him from missing what he let go of and pushed away and considering why he did what he did to not do it again. It keeps you in a place where you always hope for something more and possibly grow very resentful and eventually lose him as a friend as a result. If friendship is possible, it can only come after a period of healing and having truly moved on. I am friends with just about all of my ex's. None of those friendships were possible before a minimum of a year passing from the point of breaking up. When the friendship was established, there were no expectations of anything more by either party. The funny thing is that in some of those friendships there have been times where one or the other thought about something more but each time the other was in a different place and not interested. The stars never aligned where both of us were there. However, even though the "misses" occurred in it turning into anything more, the friendship remained intact and for that I am grateful. These are people that meant a lot to me at one point or another. They genuinely care for me and love me as their friend. I am not threatened by them contacting me about things going on in their life including relationship issues. I can also do the same with them if I need to as well.

 

Best of luck with whatever you decide. It is so very difficult to navigate through this time of uncertainty and pain. My heart goes out to you. I myself have these struggles with my current situation.

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If you treat him as an acquaintance, are cordial, reserved and generally friendly as you would be to anyone else that you treat this way, he will be more likely to approach you if he wants a chance. If he thinks you hate him, he may think he screwed up so badly, fear rejection and consider not making the attempt.

 

Thanks for your replies.

 

Above is exactly what I am scared of. I was rude really, plain rude. He came over to me tapped me on the shoulder, gave me a big smile and I said "oh hi, well done" and walked off. This guy is like a puppy - he just won't get it. When we were together he told me about how is ex (ages ago) met him out months after the break up. She was with her bf and still wouldn't talk to him. I had to explain she was still hurting - this was like a revelation to him. I'm not trying to make excused but this man is really quite stupid when it comes to stuff like this. And I feel I just pushed him into this other girl last night.

 

I don't think he'll really appreciate me seeing his show as I am on the board of the co who organised it and also know a number of the performers. All of whom I was all over telling them how great they were. I didn't approach him, he approaced me and I still walked away.

 

How am I ever going to reconcile if I do stuff like this?! I know for a fact the words "I want you back" will never come out of his mouth UNTIL something has happened between us.

 

I'm not going to apologise but I thought I might just chat with him on fb tonight about something else....

 

It's such a fine line between being rude and being cool and I ain't that good at treading it!

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You might be over thinking this. I can't see how you were being rude when you walked away. I don't see how you "pushed" him to talk to another girl by walking away. If you didn't attend you wouldn't have been there to see who he was talking to.

 

I don't promote being rude but there is nothing here that I feel you did that warrants that definition.

 

Even though you are on the board, you could have made a choice to not go to the performance or leave directly after wards. Just as wonder about things when it comes to our ex's - it is my understanding that they do the same about us. We just don't know what the other is thinking or wondering because you aren't communicating any more where things like that were shared between you.

 

If he broke up with you and you want an honest shot at making it work - what most people advise here is the best shot at a good chance at reconciling vs repeating the cycle is for them to come back. I know I learned from my own experience that convincing a person doesn't set things up for success and just sets them up to be able to blame you when they want out again or when things aren't going well. Food for thought....

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Agreed, try not to overthink this. Maybe you had something else bothering you....if he is going to act like a hurt puppy that is his decision. And really, if you had to explain to him that his ex was still hurting....gheesh...you are not responsible for educating this guy about human beings, relationships and feelings.

 

How am I ever going to reconcile if I do stuff like this? You have to get this idea out of your head. There is nothing you can do to influence him. You have to practice nonchalance (I know it's hard) and treat him as you would a colleague that you don't have particularly close ties with. Friendly, cordial, light, breezy, but you don't have to fawn over him and massage his ego. Since he broke up with you, it is your best interest to ASSUME the relationship is OVER and conduct yourself and your life with this thought in mind. He has not given you any indication that he wants to get back together, right?

 

If there is a next performance that you have to go to, then be friendly and heartily congratulate him if you feel you were too abrupt this time. But don't beat yourself up for what happened, there is nothing you can do, it wasn't that bad and unless HE brings it up to you, you definitely should not apologize. I know how hard it is. Hang in there!

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