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How do I help!!!


Ahhh

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I want to be able to help the girl I've been dating. Recently she has the feelings of being lost in life. There are many elements at play that are causing her to feel this way, me being one of them. I want to be able to help her feel like the path she's going down in life will be right for her. She's a good person, she works hard and struggled thru adversity as a child, and she deserves to feel good about her choices. She's 23 and I've told her that it's ok to not know what you want in life right now. She should focus on one thing at a time and right now that is finishing school. Sometimes she'll say things like she thought she'd be married by 24 and have a child by 25. Then a day later she'll say she wishes she could live in London for a year or two. She doubts everything she does...from school, to work, to her relationship with me (which is a whole other thread). How do I tell her there are no sure things in life and that she cant control what happens; thats life. I don't want to sound so cliche with stuff like "stay positive" or "the glass is half full". I can't figure her out and I wanna help but usually I will make things worse with some stupid comment that offers no insight at all. Alot of times I end up basing my opinions on personal experiences and she knows that I've struggled with these same issues and haven't had much luck in life. Anyway, what can do to help???

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Wow, this girl sounds like me. I think it's just my inability to make decisions- always thinking I'll end up making the wrong one and stuff my life up. So I don't end up making any. But it's weird because I have BIG dreams, and want to do so much with my life. The two don't mesh.

 

Firstly, I think you're saying all you can say. There could be bigger issues lurking below the surface. Poor esteem/confidence and possibly depression? In which case get her to see a doctor. Ultimately though, only she can help herself. And the longer it goes on, the more you're going to be driven mad by it.

 

You are totally right in suggesting to just concentrate an one thing at a time though... what is her main goal at the moment? Finding a certain job? Where to live? Meet her future husband? Everyone needs goals but it would drive anyone crazy wanting to fulfill them all at once. Ask her what her main desire in life is and encourage her as much as you can -- push her if need be. Some people just need a massive kick up the bum.

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Firstly, I think you're saying all you can say. There could be bigger issues lurking below the surface. Poor esteem/confidence and possibly depression? In which case get her to see a doctor. Ultimately though, only she can help herself. And the longer it goes on, the more you're going to be driven mad by it.

 

You are totally right in suggesting to just concentrate an one thing at a time though... what is her main goal at the moment? Finding a certain job? Where to live? Meet her future husband? Everyone needs goals but it would drive anyone crazy wanting to fulfill them all at once. Ask her what her main desire in life is and encourage her as much as you can -- push her if need be. Some people just need a massive kick up the bum.

 

She definatly has these issues at times. Other times she's confident and self assured; it's confusing and I dont think she knows when she acts like that. She may be in therapy, or maybe has been there before. She refuses to take any medications for this though.

 

 

She wants all of those goals, and she wants them as soon as possible it seems. I feel that if she had them, she would still feel unfufilled and lost. I think she would eventually start questioning why she wanted them in the first place and and come to some realization that she didn't really want them at all.

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She wants all of those goals, and she wants them as soon as possible it seems. I feel that if she had them, she would still feel unfufilled and lost. I think she would eventually start questioning why she wanted them in the first place and and come to some realization that she didn't really want them at all.

 

You've got it in one - it's great that you understand her.

 

Really, I think it's about her wanting feel her life's going somewhere. And these dreams are a way of escaping her past and present. She wants to feel successful and worth something. This signals low self esteem and depression to me. Depression roots someone to the spot and renders them unable to change anything. And the more she thinks about changing her life and being unable to, the more frustated and depressed she gets. It's a vicious cycle - I've been there too.

 

I honestly think therapy's needed here. Either that or she needs to come to some grand realisation and really make one big change to her life. Everyone wants to have a decent job, live somewhere nice and have a great partner (which she seems to have already). Maybe she is genuinely unhappy where she is and what she's doing. Then again, maybe if she saw a therapist for a while she would either be able to get the courage to make changes or realise that her life isn't too shabby after all. It's hard to say when I don't know much about her.

 

Can you see her making these changes off her own bat or do you think the only way is through therapy? I had a couple of months therapy last year and it really gave me a huge sense of self-worth and the ability to know I'm capable of doing anything I put my mind to

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