Types of abuse in my life...

[HoneySugar]

As I get older, I've come to understand more about myself, my past, and my current life. Lately, thanks to a very wonderful friend, I've been able to finally talk about, think about, and start working through my past and current abuse. It was because of this person that I finally was able to trust people in my life, and I finally started looking back. Looking back, though, has shown me more about the abuse I knew for a fact that I suffered, and has also shown me different types of abuse I went through as well without knowing it. While I attributed all my problems to three particular people in my life(two of my abusers and myself), I've come to realize so much more was there.

 

First, there was sexual abuse. I will not say who abused me, but there were two people involved. It began around the age of 3 for me(I was still in diapers, but old enough to remember it). These horrifying images haunted me. I had to grow up with fact that my first memory is of me actually molesting another child and telling them it was a game. I shoved it all way, and after years of tormenting myself, I finally said I was over it. Of course, that was not the case. I simply shoved the pain, memories, and everything else associated with it into a little box and locked it away. Since then, I've failed at every relationship, had major attitude problems, flunked out of 3 schools, etc. I blamed myself for the longest time. Other people didn't help much with that. As a young teen, it had already ended, and the first time I trusted people enough to tell them about it, my friends said things like, "Why didn't you stop them? I would of hid a knife under my bed or something." I would try to explain they would not have know to do something like that at such an early age, they don't know what they were talking about, they shouldn't say such things, etc. Yet, they were very insistent on it, almost angry at me. So, I began fully blaming myself. I knew it wasn't my fault when I was 3 years old, but what about at 8, 9, 10? It didn't stop until I was 11 years old. So, I blamed myself for not doing anything as I became older. Lately though, looking back...I see how I did try, in little ways, to get out of that situation. I did what I thought was best. Unfortunately, at such young ages, it's almost impossible to really know what to do when you're being completely controlled. While I have no where near forgiven the people who hurt me, I have started to not blame myself and to realize that..while there were things people think I could of done, when it came to my situation, there wasn't much I could do, because of the emotional and mental hold it all had on me. (I hope I've explained this correctly.)

 

Next, emotional and verbal abuse. Besides the obvious emotional problems I had from sexual abuse, my mother emotionally and verbally abused everyone in my family. From saying my dad is a failure, not a man, stupid, etc. to telling me I should give up on my dreams, because I'd never be able to do any of it, my mother is very much a heavy factor in my psychological problems. Recently, reading through a "Signs of an Abusive Person" article, I was shocked to find that it was as if someone came in, sat down, and watched my mother for days just to write something specifically about her. She isolates my entire family, is very nice at times but very abusive other times, makes us feel like we need her to survive, etc. My biggest problem is, being over 18 and wanting very much to move out, my mother makes me feel that if I leave, she'll kill herself or something dramatic such as that. It has kept me here, and I'm so terrified to leave. I'm too scared to even talk about it with my father as she might overhear my plans or he might let something slip. My father, I would like to add, is the only person in my life who has been supportive, kind, and protective towards me. He is the only person in my household who has never hurt me. He is always depressed because of my mother. He has no friends, no place to go if she kicks him out(which she does quite often). He is the one with the job, and so he supports my entire family, but she still makes him feel worthless and like he owes her(although, he is VERY quick to tell you how she doesn’t mean what she says, that it’s his fault, she’s right, he loves her, we shouldn’t blame her for anything. Which is something I hate that he does.) It hurts me to see my father like that. It hurts me when my mother constantly tells me what a loser he is, how bad he is, when he's the only person who actually does anything in this family. He's a great father. He's ALWAYS there for me. I'm a transsexual(female-to-male), and my mother has just insulted me every day because of it. My father, on the other hand, says he doesn't understand or completely agree with it, but he wants me to be happy. He is very supportive. Anyway, back to my mother's emotional and verbal abuse...(Sorry if I jump around from idea to idea sometimes). My mother has actually told me, if she could go back in time, she would make it so I was never born. When I said I wanted to be a writer when I was 13 years old(writing was the most important thing in my life. It was my way of venting, expressing myself, etc. Also, I had been told several times I was writing on a college graduate level when it came to my stories), she laughed at me. She then got angry with me, accused me of wanting to be poor the rest of my life, because "writers don't make good money unless they come up with a good idea, and then stick to it." It was obvious she thought I was too stupid, lazy, or just incapable of doing such a thing. I can't even express to you how much this hurt me. I have yet to write another story since that day. Basically, my mother has caused me to feel as if I am a failure and a mistake. There is no possible way for me to sit here and list every example of how she's hurt me or how it's effected me. I feel like I have given adequate information on this particular type of abuse in my life; so I would like to move on.

 

Self abuse. Ah, this is probably one of the worst types in my life. Through the years, I have truly been my own worst enemy. Suicide attempts began at 9-10 years of age. My first time: taking a full bottle of antibiotics. Following that, I tried things that my parents or grandparents wouldn't be so quick to notice: suffocation, self-strangulation, cutting, self-drowning, etc. I was a very morbid child. Between my suicide attempts, I was constantly emotionally and mentally abusing myself. If the smallest situation occurred, I would immediately blame myself and spend hours isolated, thinking about what a horrible person I was. Even if the entire problem had nothing to do with me, I always figured out a way to blame myself. In school, I had very few friends because of this. I was very clingy, controlling, and jealous. The friends I did have were forced to focus on me, and if I found them talking to someone else or hanging out with someone else, I would become incredibly angry. I grew out of that phase in high school, but then withdrew into a bit of a worse way of doing things. I had no friends. I completely isolated myself. When people tried to talk to me, I would yell at them. I refused to work on group projects or to even sit with the rest of the class. By 10th grade, I had failed all my classes and skipped so many days(I think in my 10th grade year, I went a total of 53 days to literature class out of 180 days, and only 17 times to math class). At the age of 16, after trying(and failing) to start new, I beat myself up over small problems I was facing. For a week, I just insulted myself constantly, yelled at everyone in my family, and really began blaming myself for every little tiny thing(more so than usual). At the end of that week, I dropped out of high school. After obtaining my GED about a month later, I entered a technical college right away. I don't even think I was there for two weeks when I gave up and refused to go anymore. For a year, I sat around doing nothing except hurting myself emotionally. While I had stopped cutting, I was completely isolated and consumed by my quest to find a way to blame every bad thing on myself. I attended another college after that and failed out of it after two quarters. That was about a year ago.

 

For the past year, I have had a lot of growth. There has been a lot of time to think and mature to the point where I am now. I met my best friend 4 months ago, and since meeting him, I have grown so much. I accept responsibility for my actions. I don't blame myself for everything that happens. I am able to trust more people and forgive them when they hurt me. I am not as afraid to go out in life and do things. Yet, I still have so much room to grow. My latest step in working towards making a better life for myself has been to create a notebook. My goal is to write down my emotions when events happen. With this, I feel I can track my negative emotions, and figure out how certain things and certain people upset me. I feel that, with time, I'll be able to look back and figure out better coping methods for my problems. I'll also be able to see how often I get overly annoyed at little things, get angry, hurt people without meaning to because of my anger, see how badly I abuse myself at time, and even just to see how often I am happy. This, to me, symbolizes a big step towards bettering myself. If I can recognize certain patterns, I can start figuring how to develop myself emotionally to overcome certain shortcomings that I might have because of the abuse I suffered.

 

Well, this is my story. Sorry it's so long and lacking in detail at times...I hope I explained everything clearly enough. The reason I'm posting this is because I know I need help. I am still living with one of my sexual abusers and with my mother. I know I'm in a situation that isn't healthy for me. I also know that I still blame myself at times and have a tendency to abuse those around me. It is my hope that, someday, I'll be able to take step back, relax, and not hurt the people I care about just because of something minor. Yet, without a support network(aside from just one friend), I will never truly grow to where I wish to be someday. I am always seeking advice; any wisdom is greatly appreciated. Well, I have said my piece, and hope for feedback on my situation. Have a wonderful day everyone, and thank you for your time.

[Seraphim]

Wow, I am sorry for all that has happened to you. I think you have made some good realisations. Can or have you gone for any therapy at all? I think too that you should move out away from the people that have abused you. Can you get anywhere else to live? Above all I want you to know in your heart and emotionally that it was NEVER your fault no matter the age. Your friends were morons to even suggest it was. They do not know the emotional and physical horror of sexual abuse and how kids get threatened if they ever tell or fight back etc. I would REALLY encourage you to get therapy so you can see the full potential of your life and so you can have healthy and happy relationships. Take heart it DOES get better. You will never forget but you can develop better coping skills. God Bless.

[mgirl]

I said I wanted to be a writer

 

Well, you kept me engaged, i don't usually read the long winded posts!

 

Well done for coming so far, it sounds like you're in a better place right now. One thing that strikes me about your mother: she is a very unhappy woman and takes it out on those around her. Hopefully one day you'll see this and not take her abuse so personally. I'm sure if it wasn't you living there, she would take it out on somebody else. The way she treats your father is evidence of this.

 

Ultimately, your mother is not your responsibility. We all have the ability to make decisions and whatever she decides in regards to her furture life can in no way be attributed to you, so i would say, look after yourself in regards to your living situation. Save your money, make sure you have an education so you can take care of yourself later. You need to think about yourself now.

 

In relation to the sexual abuse, thank you for explaining it. It sounds like you have an understanding that you were (unfortunately) in a powerless position (not your fault) and i hope that you realise you have full control and determination of who touches you where and when NOW. And, knowing this, you can move on to more functional and satisfying relationships in the future.

 

It sounds like you have a really mature approach to life, honestly, i have a friend who has been through some similiar situations in her life and i came to the conclusion that she would not be the interesting, compassionate and mature person she is today had she not have endured some of the things she did. That in no way makes it 'right', it's your interpretation of the experience that counts and to me, it sounds like you have a really mature view on it and i commend you for that.

 

In relation to future career prospects and your writing, i would urge you to have an education and seek a career. You should follow your path with writing. Most writers have other jobs and write part time, and then move to full time, submitting their material to magazines / publications etc. You should do this in your spare time, that's how writers build their skills, reputation and repetiore.

 

Keep up the good work HoneySugar, it really sounds like you are heading in the RIGHT direction! \\