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Final Post..Feedback Appreciated.


bluen

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I appreciate what this site has provided for me as a result of a very difficult time in my life. I posted this thread in personal growth because I think i've reached a stage where I am fully conscious of the fact that I now need to mend on my own for me and me alone. I am three months removed from the worse breakup (so far) of my life. Keep in mind, something I forgot to mentioned previously... this is my third failed LDR (ages 18, 21, most current 25). I promise that I am not a tormented human being who picks women who will ultimately abandon me, its just a really disturbing coincidence that all the women in my romantic life have pickup up there lives, moved elsewhere and eventually moved on with their own lives. In a way, none of these relationships had a chance to correct itself because circumstance was the powerful dividing force that lead to there down fall. As life zigs and zags we experience new people, thoughts, emotions, risks all of which shape who we become. in 7 years and three girlfriends later I can say that I am tired of being the guy who is forced to pickup the pieces of what was and what could have been. Instead of redefining myself and growing as a person I let the aches and break of my love life explode inwards leaving me right back where I started, looking for love in all the wrong places.

 

This isn't to say all of the relationships were doomed from the start. My latest and greatest allowed me to love in a capacity I didn't know was possible. I am a picky person to begin with, but she blew me away in every way. I'll spare you the details, you can read my previous posts on how the relationship flamed out. To sum it up nicely, I shut down emotionally at the moment of impact and was blank for two months not knowing how to process losing her, I blew a fuse straight up. I didn't standup for myself or fight her in the end and she still went after my character in a really cold cruel way. I am no where close to perfect, but I am caring individual with the capacity to love deeply and I shared all of that with her, bending over backwards in the process putting her and us first. If someone can explain this to me, how can someone you shared something so special(thats not one sided, she acknowledged it) with turn on you and cut ties like that. Its safe to say, the way it was left, I doubt there is any room for us down the line, but the punishment didn't fit the crime, she straight disrespected me and I let it happen, Call it love shock. Call me old fashioned, but people are not disposable when they have been through a lot together and I feel like she threw me out with the garbage. Some of you may be saying why am I hung up on someone who was so terrible to me, and to answer it simply, I loved her faults and all, when things were good, she made me happy, really happy.

 

To wrap this all up, I can say that I maybe was Mr. Right for Mr. Right now, an unpleasant position to realize but I need to see the relationship for what it was through clear unbiased eyes. Things weren't perfect as we had our up and downs like any other couple but got through them and pressed forward. All that remains is some remorse and anger and I would really like to let those go, I didn't get any closure from her and know that I need to look inward for it, this is my life, I need to embrace that fully. I've been trying to implement the power of positive thinking as a new mantra for myself. That said, This morning I stumbled upon a few photo booth photos of us from a couple months back that I stashed away and forgot about. I admired the good looking couple blankly and couldn't help but smile at the silliness of them. I can say with certainly that part of me will always adore and love her in addition to being thankful for the time and memories shared together. Those feelings with dim over time, but I know myself too well to think otherwise. That said, i've cut all ties and if we are meant to be friends down the line I will let it happen naturally, no more forcing anything. The ability to love and be loved can bring all of us the greatest joy and worse pain, but as we all mourn the loss of someone special in our lives and certainly not to diminish or downplay anyones said pain, we have to know that we will be OK. I am not trying to sound all preachy, but for the hundreds of people on this site there are tons more who will never know what love feels like and having already gone through the motions I can say that I am blessed and look forward to the person I will become and ready to face whatever life has to throw my way. I wanted to share with you all where I am in the healing process and wish all of you a speedy recovery from heart ache or whatever else is ailing you. Be good.

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Hi bluen,

 

Beautiful sentiments in your post... I know you have struggled with this and the pain when it hits is unbearable, but you are strong as I knew you were and I am so pleased you are getting there.

 

I know this is a painful road we travel and that time will help to dull the pain, and you have been really brave.

 

Christina (hugs)

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