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My first post on ENA: my story after 4 months of NC


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I've been reading posts on this forum for the past four months but hadn't written anything. Today, I think the time has come to share my story and try to help you out as you have helped me.

 

For the past four months I was the dumpee, hurting as hell like most of you, feeling hollow all the time, so I kept on reading your posts, looking for some reassurance that what was happening to me was common, that the pain would pass..

 

He dumped me because there was no future,we were 'flat' and he didn't really want a long term commitment. I thought it was the end of my world since I had broken up my marriage because of him. I adored him...

 

He was always a womanizer, five yrs younger than me and probably unfit to play the role of father to my son, so I knew I had it coming. I was so insecure during our relationship that I had become neurotic, jealous and 5 kgs fatter by the time he left me.

 

I initiated NC immediately. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was the only way. I was a sure thing for him, he knew how much I loved him, so I couldn't pretend to be his friend while he was looking for my replacement..I would have gained another ten kilos by the time he would be totally through with me

 

So, this is what happened.

 

I weeped like he was dead.

 

I accused myself for being jealous and insecure.

 

I accused him for being insincere about his intentions in our relationship.

 

I ate, I drunk, I talked about him to my girlfriends until they would hang up the phone telling me for the 1ooth time that he was an **hole.

 

I would cry upon waking up in the morning because he was in my dreams once again.

 

I would look into his profile on FB 100 times a day, reading the ridiculous posts by various wannabe girlfriends of his until one day I found the courage to delete him along with his friends.

 

I was certain that he was the last man on earth for me and that it would be so hard to find such a match (sex/conversation/intellectual part was great).

 

Then one day it happened

 

I woke up and I didn't think of him.

 

I decided to workout.

 

I cut my hair.

 

I called up my friends and forced myself to go out more.

 

I decided to love me.

 

I started giving presents to myself.

 

I nice massage, a trip to NY, some soothing music, reiki treatments, bettter food choices.

 

I told myself it was ok to grieve.

 

I told myself to cry it out whenever he felt like crying (there were good days and terrible days).

 

On my birthday a few days ago, I took all my friends out to a bar.

 

I knew I was healing.

 

And then I met this guy. He was better than my ex. I could tell immediately.

 

I knew that I was healed because I could actually SEE him and talk to him (two months earlier, any man that would approach me romantically would be a red flag).

 

And then he show an interest in me. And we went out for coffee. And I think I really like him. Guess what..he is a psychologist specialised in love addiction

 

And suddenly... the ex calls!

 

And asks me out to have a drink and share our news. Go figure that.

 

I will see my ex next week for the first time after four months. I am not afraid.

 

NC has helped me heal my wounds and look at my situation from a distance. My ex is not suitable for me. He cannot make me happy the way I want it. And if he does, he will be miserable himself. I cannot change him, as I have tried in the past. NC has helped me see that. I will try to be friends with him, not close obviously, because he has given me the strength to get out of an unhappy marriage, because I love and I will always love him.

 

But the truth is, as Carrie in SEx and the City said:

 

"I love you, but I love me more".

 

You should do the same.

 

Don't blame yourselves. And remember. Don't push things so hard as I have for two whole years..

 

If you are meant to be together, you will be. If it's not meant to be, it is because life has greater plans for you.

 

I believe it has for me...you should too.

 

I send you my very best energy and wishes.

 

The shoegirl.

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Really nice optimistic post.. thanks for sharing. One thing though... I saw my ex for the first time in a year on Saturday... as much as I thought I was healing and was ready to see her, I'm now back in a hole and feeling miserable. So unless you really need to, I'd advise against seeing your ex. But I wish you luck what ever you do!!

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Funny thing is, after 4 months of being apart and 3 months of NC, I too have decided to post my story. But, right before I hit the "New Tread" button I saw your post.

 

It's been a dark time for me...one of the darkest. I feel/felt much of what you have expressed here and I take a lot of pride in knowing a fellow dumpee has managed to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I want to congratulate you!

 

You are an inspiration!

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Rob, I think it depends on the intentions and her frame of mind. I certainly know if I were to see my ex at a bar or out with some dude, it would kill me like it did you. But, if he's reaching out to her and she wants to consider a reconciliation, but it doesn't matter which way it goes in her mind, then it might be a sense of closure for her. Of course, that's just my humble opinion.

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Thanks Rob. Maybe you are right. I was supposed to see the ex tonite but cancelled it. He was outraged. He is not used to that sort of behaviour from me

 

I have a few days to think about it. Maybe I will decide not to see him afterall

 

As for you Nomad0792, indeed there is light at the end of the tunnel and I feel a better person because I had the opportunity (yes, you read that right) to pass thru this dark tunnel. One of the best ways to learn about yourself and life is through pain. My ex has taught me so many things with his terrible behaviour. And now, I think I am in a position to appreciate a good man when he comes along (maybe it will be the psychologist, who knows?)..

 

The breakup could be a blessing in disguise but we are so blinded by love, that we cannot see it when it happens. I see that you are 39. I turned 39 on Sat, so we are really on the same boat You can do this.

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Wow, many things in common. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I just moved into a new place and while I'm excited about it, the pain and grief I feel over losing her has really taken a whole new level for me.

 

I hope that you will continue to log your accounts on this thread. I will be following it that's for sure.

 

Oh and Happy Birthday my fellow Aquarian!!

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its gives all of us some hope that definitely in time it will feel better and the light will suddenly appear.

 

Not sure about the meeting with your ex, it might set you back. I know it did for me...yeah its probably nice and you're curious how he is dealing with it but in the end you leave after seeing him and end up feeling like you will have to face another period thinking about him, dreaming about him... i really do believe the saying "out of sight out of mind"

 

i wish you luck though.

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  • 2 months later...

It's been another two months since my last post and a lot has happened. I did meet my ex and we had such a good time. I met him downtown so I wouldn't be tempted to go to his house or mine -there is still such a strong physical attraction between us - it's kind of scary. After that promising first meeting, he started texting me, asking me to meet at his place or mine. It struck me as odd at first, but it wasn't really, it was obvious what he had in mind as he was not talking about commitment. So I declined politely. I didn't want to be demoted from GF to FB.

 

After approximately one and a half month of texting on and off, we finally met on a Saturday for lunch near my place on my terms. He had me all drank and very loose by seven o' clock so we ended up at my place and one thing led to another... Ever since, he has been texting me, writing that he dreams of me, of my body actually, all the time in the same context. I send him emoticons like smiles, but by each and every message of his I read, what I used to feel for him withers...it's odd...all this pain and anguish for someone who never loved me, it's painstakingly obvious to me now, he wanted me but never loved me.

 

Today, it was the final stroke. He sent me a message asking how I was. I replied that I was working, writing stuff, being kind of stuck on a character. He said he was willing to help me out. I declined politely. He said he would give me a 'boost'... Meaning? I asked. You'll see, he replied. After ten minutes I replied 'Talk to you tomorrow. Kisses'. I am practically at your doorstep!!! he replied in a flash. I couldn't believe it. He was so sure I would eventually say 'Come on over'. So I texted him saying : I hope you have something else to do in the neighborhood. The final blow.

 

This is the 'loving me' part. I realised today, after two years, after leaving my husband for this guy, that he wasn't worth it, that he took me for granted, that I was just another puppet in his hands. And I said 'No'. It's hard but it was much harder being with him. If you go back to your ex, make sure, he loves you. Make sure you love him too. One sided relationships never work. They just don't.

 

And remember. Time does heal everything. Your heart. Your ego. Your self esteem.

 

Take care.

The shoegirl

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You broke up your marriage because of him?

 

 

I was thinking that too. Thanks for sharing but I am wondering why women fall for the players then get surprised when they get played? It does seem that women intinctively know they can have most so they choose the one they know others want as a contest or something. Most women also seem way too picky.

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I was thinking that too. Thanks for sharing but I am wondering why women fall for the players then get surprised when they get played? It does seem that women intinctively know they can have most so they choose the one they know others want as a contest or something. Most women also seem way too picky.

 

 

My marriage was already falling apart..I was in a relationship with my husband for eight years before we got married, and married for another nine years, so, to be honest, I didn't know what a player was. Now I think I can tell one right away. I thought he was beautiful and intelligent and all. I thought he was a catch and such a sweet talker too. I wasn't used to lies, it didn't cross my mind that he didn't really mean what he said. Maybe he believed his ' I love you' at the time. Who knows...

 

Now that I think of it, maybe you are right. Maybe on a subconscious level, we consider these men a prize to be won, we try to be the 'one' they'll choose, but the harder we try, the more we become a doormat and the more they pull away. You are probably right.

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We dated a few times, he was sweet, much sweeter and caring than my ex. But, there were drawbacks. First I was used to great physical attraction with my ex, and the attraction between the psychologist and myself was kind of mediocre..On top of that he kept talking about his money problems, the economic crisis, the car that he doesn't have because he can't afford it. I can't imagine a relationship where money is such an issue to begin with.

 

So I tried to remain friends with him. It seems to work.

So far, I have met quite a few men, none I would be interested to have a relationship with. I think I am not ready yet. I hang out with male friends though. And they pamper me so much. I love it. Absolutely love it.

 

We all need some pampering from time to time

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It is great to learn from each other hear and I understand that you didn't have the chance to learn it previously. SInce we are all being honest hear perhaps someone can tell us what made him good in bed or what is more important the communication connection or the sex. I mean is if sex on a scale of 1-10 was a 9 but communication was a 7 would you trade. If sex was a 7 and communication was a 9.

 

I got dumped after 14 years with my ex wife and the communication was 9 and sex fell to a 6.5. She said she didn't feel wanted but I know she loved me giving her oral ( and was good at returning it herself)

I unfortunately neglected regular intercourse ( thinking that she preferred oral based on her moans)

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It is great to learn from each other hear and I understand that you didn't have the chance to learn it previously. SInce we are all being honest hear perhaps someone can tell us what made him good in bed or what is more important the communication connection or the sex. I mean is if sex on a scale of 1-10 was a 9 but communication was a 7 would you trade. If sex was a 7 and communication was a 9.

 

I got dumped after 14 years with my ex wife and the communication was 9 and sex fell to a 6.5. She said she didn't feel wanted but I know she loved me giving her oral ( and was good at returning it herself)

I unfortunately neglected regular intercourse ( thinking that she preferred oral based on her moans)

 

Well Maddyfaye, sex is pretty important. With my husband it was a 3 (started as a 7 let's say) in sex and 6 in communication. With my ex BF it was 10 and 10 until the end but still, this wasn't enough. He didn't love me...

 

So, there are no certainties. Marriage, even a LT relationship damages sex, it requires a lot of effort to be romantic on a day to day basis, and even if you make the effort, the romantic part might fade away. At the end, when I kissed my husband, I thought I was kissing my brother

 

To sum it up, it is best to start as high as possible on both areas.

 

As time goes by, though, I notice that people don't try enough in their relationships. They want something new all the time, like a new dress, or a new car, the challenge..life has become so fast, everyone is ready to fall for the guy or the girl next door, once the initial spark or the element of surprise diminishes with their current BF or GF. They want the good and not the bad, they want the sugar coated fairy tale without the boring details.

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