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Why do I feel so guilty over this?


rebmaco

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Sorry this is a long post, my mind is in a bit of a mess at the moment. I'm just going to post complete truth, since you're all anoynomous strangers. But any nice feeback would be welcomed.

 

I've been in a relationship for 2 years. I'm very, very in love with my boyfriend. I don't want to be with anyone else. But out -of-the-blue last week, I started to have panic over whether I've cheated on him or not.

 

I have no memory of ever cheating on him. I'm certain I never have. But then I started to wonder about when we were first dating. I used to use chat-rooms a lot when I was younger, and I wondered if I'd had cyber sex with someone at the beginning of our relationship (i.e. the first month). I've never used webcams, but I remember doing it when I was a teenager before we started dating.

 

The thing is: I have no memory of ever doing this. It was just a flash of panic, and I have been obsessed with the thought ever since. It's extremely upsetting, I haven't been able to sleep, and my life has felt like a mess ever since.

 

This has happened before. Once when I was drunk, I remember going to a party. The next morning, I couldn't remember much, and I became obsessed with the idea that I'd cheated with someone. I had to actually ask the person to double-check, it was humiliating. But I discovered that I hadn't: I'd been worrying over nothing.

 

I also always worry about whether I have serious illnesses, whether I have cancer, and have sometimes visited STD clinics even with no symptoms or sexual activity. Do I just have OCD?

 

I've looked through all my chat-logs and internet stuff for the past 2 years and found no evidence of any cyber sex, or anything like that. But I still have this nagging feeling, and I'm beginning to see things on TV about adultery and think "Oh my God I'm an adulterer too, I'm a terrible person".

 

I'm having panic attacks a lot over the whole issue. And my boyfriend thinks I'm upset with him for something.

 

Would it be terrible if I had talked dirty to someone online within the first few weeks of our relationship before we fell in love and became serious? I keep asking myself that, even though it's very unlikely. I just can't shake the feeling.

 

When I was a child I was sexually assaulted and I suspect that I may have some psychological issues with sex & guilt from this period in my life. I've been on antidepressants before but I don't want to have to take pills again. But I'm feeling very messed up, and worry what will happen if I don't do something.

 

Sorry for this ramble. I just had to tell someone, even if a internet forum.

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Maybe you do have some other psychological issues but I can understand where you are coming from. You kind of start a new relationship and maybe you don't treat him like the world at first or you're not totally in love.. but after some time, you come to see that he is everything. That you're completely in love with him and start to worry if you've ever done anything he doesn't deserve. I can tell you do love him by this. Just seriously calm down.

You love him and you know you wouldn't do anything to hurt him. I'm sure he knows that too. I know it feels very panic-ing but give it some time and act how you normally act with him. Wish you luck.

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I tend to over analyze and disect things that shouldnt be. I have diagnosed myself with having anxiety issues as well when I start obssesing over things. Chill and think of how you are HAPPY in this situation and FOCUS on good things. that always works for me, I find that I AM HAPPIER that way because when I obssess and become anxious I am the only one unhappy and moody

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