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Are these signs of a controlling person?


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My boyfriend is super super tidy... and overall just a perfectionist kind of person. His house is immaculate.. everything has a spot it needs to be. He even notices small things moved or used around the house, for example if I have had a bath, etc... It's almost like he is a detective...

 

He is also very very routine... Does the same thing everyday and is ok with it. He leads a very non-exciting life... He is just content being with me cuddling, sleeping over, watching movies, etc.

 

He is also extremely into weight lifting and needs this in his life that it was almost a compulsion at one point, but he has calmed down quite a bit and doesn't workout as excessively.

 

Now onto the more problematic things.... He QUIZZES me alot... Just about my day, or my past, why I made certain decisions, why I did what I did.. etc. To the point of being annoying.

 

He also is very orderly and thinks everything in life should be done a certain way. He has even questioned MY plans on events that do not involve him, and when I say he is getting on my nerves or being pushy, he says he is just looking out for my best interest. I find it rather controlling!

 

What are some signs of controlling personalities that I can look for? Does his behaviour seem controlling or potentially a controlling personality?

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Mostly it sounds like he is a perfectionist. If it stopped at the first 3 paragraphs, I'd ask you for his number! (except for the fact that i'm engaged & he's your bf, lol). I would give my left arm for my bf to be immaculate, and I'm really into working out (well, when I'm in the routine).

 

It might be a bit controlling, but mostly controlling over "things" rather than specifically you. It doesn't sound like an insecure, jealous kind of controlling.

 

I think most people like things their way and think their way is the best way. His problem is holding that back, recognizing what is too much & letting you do your things your way, especially when it doesn't concern him. Some of the ways my bf does things drives me nuts!! Like, he makes it so much harder when there is a much more efficient alternative right there, but noooo... has to do it his way!! But I should back off, because that's his choice & it doesn't affect me.

 

I would probably tell him this. That in relationships, you are still individuals & you need to allow each other the ability to make your own choices, & that includes HOW you choose to do what you do. Talk about it at a time when it's not currently an issue & he's not at that exact moment telling you how to do something. Bring it up at a separate time. Then when it comes up again & you feel like he is being pushy trying to get you to do it his way, tell him in a polite but firm way that you appreciate his input but you will decide how it's going to happen.

 

Not really sure what to say about him quizzing you. I wonder why he does that. That's actually how I would respond. When he starts delving too deep, ask him why the answer to that question is relevant.

 

However, if he starts being controlling over things like who you should hang out with, talk to, & what you should wear, and putting you down when you don't do what he wants.. that's definitely a BAD kind of controlling.

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Thanks for the posts!

To answer your questions... We have been together 9 months... So still somewhat early yes?

We don't live together officially, but he asked me to move in a few months ago but I wasn't ready. I had a bad relationship before him (controlling! and became abusive) we were engaged and together 2.5 years. So he knows of my past and that I'm hesitant to move in too soon with someone.

 

However, I only live about 8min away with my parents, so I practically live at his house already. I only sleep apart from him when he is working night shift so I go sleep at my parent's place. I don't have to, but I prefer to... Keeps me somewhat independent and still feel like I live at home part-time.

 

I think Alli, may be right that he is more of a perfectionist... I don't mind the orderly way in which he does things, because I am tidy as well... But the quizzing me about a million details seems excessive..

For example just this past weekend I had plans to go snow tubing with my girl friend at a ski resort almost 2 hours away.. We had plans to meet up early 8am on a sunday and head out that way. The morning OF, while I am getting ready he decides to tell me a ski resort closer that might offer snow tubing, and asking why we are driving 2 hours away and how much does it cost, etc.

I said don't worry about it.. I know it's $20-30 and we will call to make sure there is snow tubing, but I am pretty sure she knows 100% because she was only there 3 weeks ago skiing!

We got in a little argument about it, I told him to stop barading me with questions, my friend are I are both capable adults and we can figure out our day! He got angry with me at that point and kept going at me about it !

He ended up apologizing, but I felt it was ridiculous especially the morning of, if he had any major concerns why not ask me the night before? He had already made a comment or two a few days prior basically sounding like he didn't want me going.. But ofcourse he would NEVER say that directly.. Just sounded to me he was jealous I was going out doing something without him.

 

I guess it's something I have to keep my eye out on? This could just be a 1 time goof up.. or he could really be clingy and needy?

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