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Looking for advice: please help


lostandscared5

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Hi you guys. I am stuck in a little dilemma and I have no idea what to do. I hope that you guys would help me make a decision. I have this guy friend and we have a really close and deep relationship with each other and yet we are both not serious about each other yet, nor are we ready to get involved in a serious relationship. We’ve known each other for the past three or four years. A year ago, he asked me out without thinking it through and I said yes to him, however, due to my unrealistic expectations and the fact that we were both young and that we were probably not ready for a serious relationship among other factors, the relationship lasted for two to three weeks and we ended up breaking up. I probably scared him away. Now in the past year or so, we have both been trying to get through this; however, we chose to deal with it in different ways; due to the fact that I took this relationship more seriously than he did. We did not talk much about our relationship or our break up right after the break up, he said “he didn’t want to talk about it” and I respected it that, and in time we rebuild my friendship and we are still close friends to this day. At the end of last year, we started talking about all we’ve been through as close friends and the topic of what we went through as boyfriend/girlfriends was bought up. I asked him “my friend wants to know if you would give us a second chance?” His immediate response was “does your friend want to know or you?” and my answer was just answer it. He said “yes but I am not ready for a serious relationship yet.” Shortly after I gave him a letter, in that letter I told him how I felt shortly after our breakup and how he is the only guy that I would consider being with again, since I haven’t completely let him go or should I say my feelings for him go yet. He actually took that letter seriously and thought about it long and hard and tried to talk to me about “us” again, but at that time, I just got out of a relationship and was not ready to talk about something like that yet. Two days ago I saw him and I hinted to him that I felt like I have to suppress myself at times and not say certain things and just wait until the time is right. Being the smart guy that he is and the fact that he knows I am not over him yet; he asked me to consider being in a non exclusive relationship with him. It came as a shock, because it was so sudden and I was not expecting that. This is something that I wanted but at the same time I could not decide what to do about it. I hesitate to say yes, because I do not want to share him with other girls, for non exclusive means we still get to see other people and if we found a better match or fit our relationship is over and we remain friends, and because I get attached to people easily. I asked him if he thinks that I will have unrealistic expectation this second time around he said no. What I think is that we have both learned and grow in the past year that maybe we might work out this second time around but a non exclusive relationship? How serious is he this time? He said it has been on his mind for the past two or three months, and he wouldn’t have mentioned it to him until he’s serious about this right? I understand that perhaps being in a non exclusive relationship and just in case that does not work out, our friendship might remain intact compared to being in a committed exclusive relationship and it does not work out, our friendship might go down the drain along with it. But then what if our friendship could not remain intact after the non exclusive fails to work out too? Wouldn’t getting in a non exclusive relationship with him complicate our friendship; and would those complications ruin or destroy our friendship? But then again what about the other side of the story? My friendship with him will fade once he finds a serious girlfriend; we might not hang out anymore or not as much after that happens. Plus the benefits of a relationship outweigh those of a friendship. I know that I should take this risk if I see a possibility of it working it, but will it work out? I believe in him and I trust him that if we do get into a non exclusive relationship he will follow through with it and be honest with me about everything. I am scared and worried of losing him, because I CANNNOT LOSE HIM. That is how much he means to me. I want a guaranteed that our friendship will remain intact whether this non exclusive will work out or not, but nothing can be guaranteed in life right? I mean, I know there is a saying that it’s better to have loved than never loved at all and that I should not let taking risks or chances, fear and worry from stopping me to take this wonderful opportunity to be happy with the guy that I like, who also happens to be my close and best friend. But then there is too much at stake, and I just do not know what to do. Maybe if I talk to enough people about it and pray to God enough, I will know what to do. Please help me.

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OK, I think that he is playing a game with you. the words 'non exclusive relationship' mean nothing to me. it doesn't mean a relationship. you seem to be giving it some grandious meaning that is not there. He said he is not ready. You took him more seriously in the past than he took you. hon, you will and are already doing the samething.

 

If you do not want to loose him, keep him in your life -- then your best bet is to stay in friendship zone. The minute you kiss him, have sex with him you wil loose all objectivity which you are already having a hard time with.

 

This guy is not offering you anything to hang your hat on. There are no committments here. There is no such thing as 'getting into a non-exclusive relationship'. that is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo....PROTECT your heart and step way back until you can get some objectivity.

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I agree. I can hear that a "nonexclusive relationship" would really hurt you. If there's hope for this way down the line, when he's grown into wanting a different kind of relationship, maybe it won't be too late on your end and there will be more of a chance. For now, let it go.

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