I think I was the troubled one in my relationship..

[DazB]

Hi,

 

I am still at a stage when I am very up and down and simply confused about so much.

 

I know my ex had her problems but it feels like it was my problems that may have resulted in our growing apart. But - I don't know whether I am just being hard on myself either. I feel trouble mentally and always have since I was very little. I think this is due to the rocky environment I was brought up in and I think I am still very childish in many respects. It hurts me to feel this way.

 

Here are some of the issues that I think I brought to the relationship

 

1: Silent Treatment (Passive aggressive behaviour): I have a very hard time being Assertive and whenever I try to express how I feel there is a mental block that I simply cannot seem to overcome (except once, which was when I told me ex about my jealous feelings about her friend, and it turned out my jealousy was justified). I remember my Mum using the silent treatment a lot when I was growing up. Sometimes she would lock herself in her room and not come out for a day or so or until we made her 'happy' enough again to talk to us.

 

2: People Pleasing: This is something that has affected both my relationship and every job I have ever had. I don't know the root of this behaviour but I now realise how destructive it is. I often tried to people please my ex's parents and as a result took on much of their values. In fact if I look at my life I don't seem to know what my values are. It's like I mould myself to be whoever someone wants me to be at the time. It even goes so far as for me to take on their hobbies and interests in order to impress them.

 

Another problem of this is doing too much for other people and then harboring feelings of resentment. For instance, I used to do all the house work for my ex in order to keep the house clean and tidy (partly to keep her parents happy) but she would never do anything for me. I always thought that this was selfish of her and rather than address the issue like an adult I would bury it deep inside and it would come out as a passive aggressive beharvious.

 

I also do not stick up for myself. My ex often put me down in front of her parents and I would generally let it slide. I stopped this towards the end of the relationship and started trying to stand up for myself. Too little too late maybe.

 

3: Intimacy Problems: I found it very hard to be physically close to my ex. Often I wanted to ask for her to do certain sexual activities but felt too embarressed to ask for it. The anxiety was so intense that even though I wanted to scream on the top of my voice what I wanted I just sat there, anxious and quiet and moody. Which she may have mistook as me being in a mood.

 

As well as the physical side I also found it hard to be close to her emotionally. I found it hard to open up about my feelings, my beliefs etc etc.

 

4: Neediness: It was never a problem for her because she liked to stay at home with me, until the end, but I always feared being away from her. Even if it was just one day I couldn't relax - I would be thinking about when I get to go home to her, when I get to be close to her again.

 

Well for now I think I have covered a lot but may add more in the future as things become clearer.

 

I would like to email her to ask if there was any specific about my personality that she didn't like. I feel I need some honesty in my life now because it seems like all my friends and family just try to protect me and I think it has made me scared of the truth.

 

Do you think I should email her? or better left until I have healed fully and then ask if she can clarify some points?

 

Thanks for reading

 

DazB

[curious11]

How long has she been your ex. And by the way you describe some details, it seems to me that you 2 just werent compatable for eachother. You 2 were completely opposite, which is fine in some relationships.. But you 2 never resolved anything and never found a happy medium.

 

As for the email.. If you are sorry from the bottom of your heart for the way you acted, then a short email is probably fine. But, if you have motifs behind it.. Then let it be. It will only annoy her.

[quirky]

How long have you guys been NC? I don't think an email is a bad idea but not too soon after the breakup.

 

I've dated one guy that had similar traits and I found it a bit suffocating. He was so great on many levels. But he had no confidence, no individuality..I couldn't tell what his opinions were. If he was confident with that kind heart he had I would have stayed with him, I also found him very attractive.

[DazB]

How long has she been your ex. And by the way you describe some details, it seems to me that you 2 just werent compatable for eachother. You 2 were completely opposite, which is fine in some relationships.. But you 2 never resolved anything and never found a happy medium.

 

As for the email.. If you are sorry from the bottom of your heart for the way you acted, then a short email is probably fine. But, if you have motifs behind it.. Then let it be. It will only annoy her.

 

Thank for the reply. We have been separated for a month now and we have very little contact in that time. We did have some because we own a house together and I needed to get my things but since I got my stuff and went for a coffee with her we have exchanged 1 text (her intiating it) about the house.

 

I can see what you say about not being compatable. I am quite conserned that I don't make the same mistakes or carry any 'bad' behaviours into future relationships. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to make it back with my ex but I think I'd have more chance to win the lottery.

 

How long have you guys been NC? I don't think an email is a bad idea but not too soon after the breakup.

 

I've dated one guy that had similar traits and I found it a bit suffocating. He was so great on many levels. But he had no confidence, no individuality..I couldn't tell what his opinions were. If he was confident with that kind heart he had I would have stayed with him, I also found him very attractive.

 

hmm yeah sounds like me. Not strict no contact as I said above but we only text about financial things with a lil bit of friendly chat about our cats mixed in and very rarely. Been about 2 weeks of me not contacting her at all except to reply with my address.

 

I need to work on my confidence but sometimes I feel doomed by it.