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Turmoil due to our relationship


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Ok so here is the deal, I am in a lesbian relationship for three years now, and we love each other immensely however her parents, sisters and my parents do not know about us. Her oldest daughter and I had been planning a surprise birthday party for my girlfriend. My girlfriend has two daughters. Her younger daughter is a lesbian, and she has been dating her girlfriend for about 6 months. Throughout these 6 months my girlfriend and her daughter have had a lot of arguments, her daughter is very disrespectful but even though she is disrespectful every once in a while she will be nice and they have a decent conversation. All of this arguing and disrespect is due to her dating this other girl that is trying to keep them apart as much as possible. Well her older daughter and I had discussed whether or not to invite her younger daughter to this surprise birthday party. We decided that we would let her know that she is invited but her girlfriend wasn’t. Since her girlfriend has caused so much ugliness in the family. When she got the news she didn’t agree and was so angry that her girlfriend wasn’t invited that she felt the need to tell her 2 aunt’s and her grandparents about her mom (which are my girlfriend’s parents and sisters). Of course this has caused a lot of turmoil in the family that now the surprise party has been cancelled. Now my girlfriend has been trying to get together with her family for a family birthday party celebration for everyone in the family. Since the party is at her sister’s house, my girlfriend asked if it was ok I attended the gathering to get to know the family, and she got the response of “if it’s at my house (one of the sisters house) only family is welcome but if it’s on “neutral grounds” then your girlfriend is welcome.” I decided I didn’t want to go because I am being treated like a dog in my opinion. Just like when dogs meet for the first time it needs to be on “neutral grounds”. Now my girlfriend got an e-mail from her mom that says that she is disgusted by her life choices, and not to put all this gay crap in her face. If ANYONE saw me and my girlfriend you would never know we are a couple. We both dress very feminine and aren’t holding hands, or kissing or acting in any way as a couple, especially not in front of people who are not comfortable with it. We act like friends. I met her parents three months ago and they never even thought about it and never even crossed their minds. They have planned to go to Disneyland for the birthday celebration and my girlfriend wants me to go. Now my question is, if anyone was in my situation would you feel comfortable going? Would you go? How would you feel? Please help me I am going through all these mixed emotions. If you need any more info please or not clear on something please just ask me.

 

Thanks!

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I'm not sure if I got the whole gist of it, but I personally will not be around homophobes. I don't waste my energy on people who hate (family or not). Fortunately, however, I haven't had to deal with that in my family.

 

The fact that you point out that 'nobody would ever know we are a couple' to me means you have to act as if you aren't together. For me, that's a deal breaker. I don't go anywhere where I cannot be myself nor do I associate with those who expect me to be closeted. At the same time, I'm not really into public displays of affection, but I still don't hide who I am. If others are uncomfortable with it, that's their problem.

 

Having said all that, your gf wants you to go so I think you need to decide whether you want to subject yourself(selves) to this kind of environment. I love my family and I understand wanting to be with family, but if you are not welcome it's a tough place to be in.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

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This is pretty hard to follow, but I'd guess that your gf's sister is giving her a taste of her own medicine (not allowing her daughter's gf to her own party) by excluding you from the party. Especially since your gf's daughter complained to her grandmother and aunts. Why would they be o.k. with your gf's daughter's situation and not your gf's? Bottom line, it's not o.k. to tell somebody they can't bring their significant other to a party. It's not o.k. for you to tell gf's daughter that, and it's not o.k. for gf's sis to tell her that. I think this whole thing just back-fired on the two of you.

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Norsewoman,

 

Well I guess I should have mention that my girlfriends daughter has said some pretty harsh things towards the family. here is an example: my girlfriend just moved and her daughter brought her girlfriend over to help move. as they were moving her bed, my girlfriends daughter got mad at her sister and the girlfriend said "you stupid B**** leave my girl alone" so then she said "she is my sister and stay out of our disagreements" so the girlfriend answers with "bring it on Ni*er B****! want to take it ouside?" well my girlfriends family and mine are pretty well educated and don't allow those kind of words. therefore the family doesn't want their neice or granddaughters girlfriend around either. this was way before this whole birthday thing happened. The daughters girlfriend isn't welcome to her moms house either for this reason.

 

May I ask what is your thought on this?

 

This is pretty hard to follow, but I'd guess that your gf's sister is giving her a taste of her own medicine (not allowing her daughter's gf to her own party) by excluding you from the party. Especially since your gf's daughter complained to her grandmother and aunts. Why would they be o.k. with your gf's daughter's situation and not your gf's? Bottom line, it's not o.k. to tell somebody they can't bring their significant other to a party. It's not o.k. for you to tell gf's daughter that, and it's not o.k. for gf's sis to tell her that. I think this whole thing just back-fired on the two of you.
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Hey Kaytie,

 

Thanks for your advice. What I meant about people not knowing that we are together was that when we are out in public we aren't into the whole PDA. especially when your around kids and so on.

 

Oh I see. I understand.

 

Tough situation, but I agree with norsewoman that you can warn them to behave or they'll be asked to leave, but excluding her outright is only going to make it worse.

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Do you want to?

 

Yes, do you want to? Being in a place with so much going on might alleviate tensions- people will be too busy doing stuff to get into a lot of drama...at least, that's what I imagine would be the case.

 

If your gf really wants you to go, it might be worth the effort. If at any time things get really ugly, then you can remove yourself and know that you put your best foot forward.

 

I hope things work out o.k.

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I wouldn't go, to go is to send a message it is OK for them to exclude your gf. There is no need for a lot of turmoil, just simply making it clear that to exclude your gf is the same as excluding you. Now this goes for birthday parties and stuff like that.

 

If there is a family emergency, funeral or whatever then I would make an exception.

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so it turns out my girlfriend has decided not to go either. her parents aren't accepting her choices. oh! and her mom told her she is disgusted with her.

 

Yes it is sad to hear, be supportive, but try not to interfere with your gf relationship and her mother. You are not "blood", it will only make matters worse.

 

You were in the wrong to plan a birthday party inviting your gf's younger daughter, but not her gf, and I think you know that. An apology could go a long way.

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