Would you have been angry? Or was I overreacting?

[BriarRose]

Do you guys think I have a right to be angry at how my lover/friend cut ties with me during my illness? Or do you think I overreacted and he did nothing wrong? My anger seems to be dissipating, probably because I am realizing he really didn't do anything except walk away from someone he was no longer interested in. But still, curious about your opinions.

 

1 ) He's a cold hearted (&&(&( and should have been there for me.

 

2) You were not in a relationship, and even if you were, he owed you nothing.

 

3) He couldn't deal (cancer, chemo, baldness, etc)

 

4) You overreacted and caused your own pain by staying in touch when you knew he

didn't want a relationship with you.

 

5) He cut ties because he knew he could never give you what you want and didn't want to hurt you.

 

My vote is #4, but just wanted your opinions. I don't buy # 3 or #5, but thought I'd throw them in.

[Cognitive_Canine]

He cut ties but he cut them way too late. He played with your feelings for a while knowing that he didn't want a relationship.

 

You should stand up for yourself better and should have cut them but you can't blame yourself. You really liked this guy and pulling away from someone who lingers around (even though they don't want a relationship) and who you like is really tough to do. He gave you mixed signals. If this happens again, protect yourself better from emotionally unavailable people like him.

 

I don't know if the cancer had anything to do with it, but, if it did, shame on him.

[ElChup]

Your story akways confuses me a little as it's difficult to really know, from your perspective, what his attitude is.

 

Relationships aside, if he professes to be a friend of yours then he should have shown an interest to the extent that you would expect from any of your friends.

 

However, does he want to be your friend? If not then sadly #4 could be the case (although if it were me and this were the case I would have at the very least had the courtesy to tell you that I am very sorry about what is happening to you).

[BriarRose]

He cut ties but he cut them way too late. He played with your feelings for a while knowing that he didn't want a relationship.

 

You should stand up for yourself better and should have cut them but you can't blame yourself. You really liked this guy and pulling away from someone who lingers around (even though they don't want a relationship) and who you like is really tough to do. He gave you mixed signals. If this happens again, protect yourself better from emotionally unavailable people like him.

 

I don't know if the cancer had anything to do with it, but, if it did, shame on him.

I agree that I don't know if it was the illness or not. It all happened at around the same time, but may have had nothing to do with his decision to not keep in touch anymore.

[BriarRose]

Your story akways confuses me a little as it's difficult to really know, from your perspective, what his attitude is.

 

Relationships aside, if he professes to be a friend of yours then he should have shown an interest to the extent that you would expect from any of your friends.

 

However, does he want to be your friend? If not then sadly #4 could be the case (although if it were me and this were the case I would have at the very least had the courtesy to tell you that I am very sorry about what is happening to you).

Don't think he ever truly wanted to be "friends". Think he just said that because maybe there was no one else in his life, or whatever. Maybe one day this knowledge will help me to forget him.

[CatsMeeoow]

I hate to see you continue to struggle with this while you could be spending your energy on better things.

 

Miss K you have to accept that you may never know why he stopped contact with you.

 

Ultimately none of the reasons matter... he is no longer there.

 

You are a bright and fantastic girl. Make a list of this YOU like about YOU today instead of him.

 

I'll start the list:

 

Has an absolutely fabulous way about her even during times of illness and serious medical treatment she has not been down about her health situation.... KUDOS from me... not many people could handle your health crisis with such grace and determination to get better!

 

 

[CatsMeeoow]

Don't think he ever truly wanted to be "friends". Think he just said that because maybe there was no one else in his life, or whatever. Maybe one day this knowledge will help me to forget him.

 

Does it matter whether he did or didn't? Turns out he is one heck of a lousy friend... take your power back and rather wonder whether he really meant to be friends or not... make it your decision NOT to accept any type of friendship from him... who needs friends like that? Are you that desperate? No... just hurting and thats understandable. But you set the tone for what you expect from your friends not the other way around... k?

[BriarRose]

I hate to see you continue to struggle with this while you could be spending your energy on better things.

 

Miss K you have to accept that you may never know why he stopped contact with you.

 

Ultimately none of the reasons matter... he is no longer there.

 

You are a bright and fantastic girl. Make a list of this YOU like about YOU today instead of him.

 

I'll start the list:

 

Has an absolutely fabulous way about her even during times of illness and serious medical treatment she has not been down about her health situation.... KUDOS from me... not many people could handle your health crisis with such grace and determination to get better!

 

 

 

I just think now that I can see the situation more clearly - that I made my own bed - that maybe it will get better? That I can also learn for next time to look for the signs, etc, and to walk away when someone shows those signs?

[midnightrambler]

Don't think he ever truly wanted to be "friends". Think he just said that because maybe there was no one else in his life, or whatever..

 

this is all too common:sad:

[BriarRose]

this is all too common

I agree! And shouldn't have fallen for it.](*,)

[1guygirl]

misskitty...you need to ease up on yourself darl...forgive yourself and tell yourself that next time you will set your own boundries of what is, and isnt acceptable to you....and stick to them

 

you were going through a tough illness, so even if you did keep reaching out that lil bit more, its bloody understandable...im sure in time he will know this too. Some peeps just cant deal with relationships and some cant deal with illness, that is just them, their nature, we just gotta heed the signs tho so we dont get hurt by their nature

[iBroken]

#3

 

I know someone (we will call her A). Her good friend and roomate (we will call her B) found out her mother had cancer. When B was taking care of her mom and dealing with a terminal prognosis, A withdrew and stopped talking to her. A didnt know how to be there for B and didnt know what to say to help B through this tough time.

 

A later apologized for her actions (many years after) and they are now acquaintances

[BriarRose]

misskitty...you need to ease up on yourself darl...forgive yourself and tell yourself that next time you will set your own boundries of what is, and isnt acceptable to you....and stick to them

 

you were going through a tough illness, so even if you did keep reaching out that lil bit more, its bloody understandable...im sure in time he will know this too. Some peeps just cant deal with relationships and some cant deal with illness, that is just them, their nature, we just gotta heed the signs tho so we dont get hurt by their nature

Absolutely - he wasn't a bad guy, but I had no boundaries with him. I will not make that same mistake with the next person.

[renaissancewoman101]

MissKitty, you are a good person, going through a lot right now. I wish you wouldn't punish/put yourself down for how you reacted. You are a good person that deserves a lot in life.

[alcide]

If someone loves you they should be there with you, bad or worst if you two agree that the relationship aint working out or have different interest or illness comes over he or she can stilll be supportive AND even remind friends just for helping hand, but if the person decides to go his /her own way you should let them go , due to his or her own resease better to have some who is try and genuine that someone who is forcing to be there for you, at the end you are the one who will remind unhappy...

[Honey Pumpkin]

MissKitty, you are going through a lot and I think you're a lovely person. However, I feel slightly concerned about the many many threads you have posted about this guy in the last few days/weeks. I've been where you are, and hand on heart, I think you sound so stuck on him, with very little to be stuck on. I'm not belittling your feelings, but when I was in this position it felt like I was obsessed; I wonder if you feel the same, caught up in this endless cycle about him?

 

Do you have any support where you are? Real life support, friends who can take you out and go to places and do activities. Forgive me, but I get the strongest feeling that you need to take comfort in friends and do things to distract you from this guy. Yes he's a loser. Yes, he's horrible. BUT, you weren't dating, and you aren't in a relationship. It's time to move on from him, and end the analysing. Focus on YOU and your happiness, it's time to forget about him.

 

((hugs))

[penelope13]

Yes I would be angry and I would be disappointed.

 

Since the gentle/ supportive approach doesn't seem to hit home and help you, I'll try the direct way:

 

Considering how many threads you have made recently where many, many people have shown you support, understanding, as well as given you a lot of constructive suggestions how to make a change, your inability/ unwillingness (?) to take any sort of proactive measure to induce a change (any kind of change) seems to be indicative of a behavioral pattern.

 

I believe this pattern is not only manifested in how you are dealing with the rejection of a break up (though there wasn't even a relationship), but most likely is also present when you are faced with dealing with rejection while you are still in contact with the person in question.

 

Like in your threads, you probably heard the words that he didn't want a relationship, however you chose to ignore them and still act/ dream of wanting a relationship with him and incessently question why thinks can't be the way you want them to be. You probably expressed it quite clearly to him (as is quite evident in your threads that you are still hung up on him) in one way or another (you said that he is not totally dense, rather quite intelligent).

 

It does get tiresome to have to go over the same scenario again and again; there are only so many different angles to the situation: she is into him, he is not. Reiterating them and going over them on a daily basis doesn't make a significant difference.

 

Even the most patient person could reach a point where he/ she might give up, because they are running out of words.

 

How many times is the appropriate number of times to try to get through to someone who apparently (despite what their words might claim, if it is not backed up by their actions) doesn't show any signs that they want to/ will change?

 

I would be immensely disappointed if I had to conclude that despite my best efforts I am unable to help someone who I truly care about to accept a truth. Furthermore it would anger me that I would not be able to be a friend to someone in a difficult situation because of this inability to accept that truth.

 

No decent person would stick around in a situation where you have to believe that you are the source of pain to another person. A non-decent person wouldn't even have an incentive to stick around.

[jimmajam]

It's either he broke up with you now or stuck with you through your treatments, only to dump you and tell you that he stayed with you because he didn't feel like he could leave or he felt sorry for you. I think the latter would hurt more when all is said and done. I understand how you feel and I myself am not sure if I could leave someone that I at LEAST cared about during that time, but your illness isn't a reason to stay.

 

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh as I'm not trying to be at all. It's just that someone doesn't have to stay with you just because you're in a tough spot. It sounds terrible having to deal with a breakup during such times, but you can't expect him to stay and be unhappy either.

 

I hope you're doing better or well on your way to battling your illness.

[BriarRose]

Of course I am stuck, or wouldn't be posting so much. I just wanted opinions, not people to basically tell me I'm crazy. No, I have no support - no real family and only 1 good friend who lives close by.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Of course I am stuck, or wouldn't be posting so much. I just wanted opinions, not people to basically tell me I'm crazy. No, I have no support - no real family and only 1 good friend who lives close by.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't want you to take it like that. I was trying to empathise - I have been where you are, and it's not good. I think you're stuck on this guy, and I wanted to say something helpful. I think you're very brave and have had a tough time. But I don't think analysing him any more is helping you - he's a git.

 

Are there groups that you could get involved in? Are you working at the moment, do you have peoplel there you could reach out to for support? I know that it's hard, but I honestly think that posting so many threads about him isn't helping you, or make you feel better. I was trying to think of practical ways to help you. I don't think analysing why he's a git does help you, and I really did want to help you.

 

Apologies if you think I've overstepped the mark. It was coming from a good place, I promise you

[BriarRose]

It's okay...I know I'm not handling things very well and most people would be "over it" by now.

 

What's a "git"?

[BriarRose]

thank you for responding; I know I have not been making much progress, but I still very much appreciate your input.

I don't feel his cutting contact with me was so altruistic, though. I just think he couldn't be bothered - was no longer interested, moved on, whatever. Sure, he knew how I felt, but I don't think that's why he stopped wanting to be in contact - for 10 months it apparently never bothered him.

 

So i think it was mean of him to do that when I was sick. He probably just met someone or whatever. I think one day he will realize he could have been a little kinder to me.

[penelope13]

for 10 months it apparently never bothered him.

 

see life is not like a mathematical 'complete induction', where if something is valid for x days, it will also be valid for (x+1) days. usually people just reach a limit at some time; when this limit might occur of course greatly varies from person to person.

[BriarRose]

see life is not like a mathematical 'complete induction', where if something is valid for x days, it will also be valid for (x+1) days. usually people just reach a limit at some time; when this limit might occur of course greatly varies from person to person.

Perhaps you are right. Maybe it was getting frustrating for him - maybe we could have truly been friends had I not made it apparent that I was hoping for more.