Have I done the right thing?

[woodst0ck]

Two weeks ago last Saturday, my wife of 20 years told me our life together was over. I was totally devastated and felt like my world had ended (still do). After reading all the excellent advice on this forum, I slowly started to accept that I would have to go through all these terrible feelings I was having.

 

Unfortunately, it was impossible to get into an NC situation as we are joint owners of the house and I can't afford to move out for a couple of months. However, I thought that we could at least keep it civil and polite when I overcame the initial shock. We continued to share cooking etc. It did work for a few days until she told me that she had found met someone else and the day after, had gone to bed with him. I couldn't believe that she had gone to bed with someone a week after the split and my resolve just crumbled.

 

She told me that even though she still loved me, this man felt right for her. He was so much like her father (who died last year). He was a close friend of my wife's friend, who had also dumped her husband the year before in almost exactly the same circumstances.

 

I have to admit I was very upset but quickly regained at least some of my composure. My wife said that she hadn't done anything wrong, she had split with me before beginning the relationship. Tbh, I couldn't argue with that and as confused as I am at present, I just had to accept it although the pain I felt at the weekend when she was with him and what she was doing drove me nuts.

 

However, on Monday, she told me that she wouldn't be coming home on Tuesday night, she was staying at his place. Something just snapped and when she came home that night I told her to get out. She was totally shocked but when I said that dealing with our breakup was bad enough but I've had enough of having my nose rubbed in it, she became angry. I told her that I just needed some space apart from her and her constant revelations so that I could at least regain some measure of peace to come to terms with all of this, I still hadn't got over the breakup, let alone her new boyfriend.

 

She left the next morning, looked back at me as she was getting into the car. She was clearly upset and told me that she would see me sometime.

 

Now I'm torn with indecision and my resolve is wavering. Have I done the wrong thing by sending her away? I hate upsetting her but I had to do something, I felt as though I was going mad.

[Rob1000]

You absolutely did the right thing. She's behaving like a monster to you. She ends your marriage and within a day is shacked up with someone else, and has no qualms in telling you. Thats possibly one of the most insensitive things someone can do, especially someone they promised their life to.

 

My fiancee left me a year ago, and within how many days, I'm not sure, was sleeping with a married man. How nice of her!

 

Under no circumstances should you back down. Stay strong. When you're feeling down, come on here and post something.

[Speranza]

You did the right thing in my opinion.

 

She is obviously using this guy to get her through her midlife crisis and with very little thought for YOU and your feelings. Well - it's terrible when your father dies, but not very healthy to then start a relationship with someone who reminds you of him - that itself indicates something very wrong in her mind (I don't mean anything nasty, just she is very unhinged right now).

 

I would predict that in HER mind, you are going to be there to take her back after her little fling. I would seriously advise you to think NOW about whether that's something you would want. I would also advise you to talk to a solicitor ASAP to find out where you stand.

 

I'm really sorry this has happened to you but I am very pleased to see that you have high enough self-esteem not to just sit and take her excrement. These things happen - but she doesn't have to flaunt her new man or indeed fill you in on the details. You have acted appropriately and made her face the fact that there are consequences to her choices. Good for you.

 

However, don't be surprised if this gets represented to your friends as 'he threw me out!' In fact it's entirely possible she angled for this to happen so she can present herself as the good guy at some point. It sucks, but it happens.

 

Do get that legal advice, please... and consider what an AMAZING coincidence it is that she started this relationship so quickly after 'splitting' with you! BTW - you 'hate upsetting her'? She has brought this on herself, you are only acting as any reasonable person would expect.

[ElChup]

Yeah, you did the right thing. Any resentment she holds for your earlier incident is no excuse for this sort of behaviour. She has totally crossed the line and you were right to spare yourself from this nonsense.

 

However, it's time to do what I advised you before, and what Speranza has repeated. Accept that it's time the marriage is over and go to a divorce lawyer.

[Speranza]

I've just caught up on the rest of your story. It does look as though your online affair has been festering in her mind and she has done this partly to get her own back. Which is sad, I suppose understandable if she was devastated. Hence her anger and shock at your throwing you out - she didn't throw YOU out, may be the warped logic here.

 

Either you two are paying these mind games because deep down you care, or because the marriage is over. From your other posts I'd guess at the second. You do need advice, and if you really want to try for staying together (I am thinking 'why would you'? as you don't mention children) then you and she will need to bite the bullet and go for help together.

 

To be honest there are entrenched patterns here which don't bode too well unless you both really, REALLY want it to work. Loss of parents, looking over your shoulder at how other relationships have failed, * * * -for-tat stuff... all very much coming from your inner children rather than your adult sides at the moment.

 

Nothing wrong with that, but not the place from which to reconcile. Not without help.

 

Good wishes to you... and I hope you get some peace soon.

[n83]

I think you did the right thing. She's probably shocked that you're not letting her use you as a dormat.

[PennyLane09]

i think you did the right thing, too. not healthy for you to be living together and it's double the torture for you to know she's w/someone else. it's not fair to you....

[Kaytie]

I think you've done the right thing. Shame on her for thinking that you could live under the same roof with her going on about her new man and new life.

 

I urge you to see a lawyer as soon as possible. Document everything (dates, etc.) and look out for yourself here - nobody else will.

 

Take care.

[WalledOut]

You did the right thing.

 

Also .... Be prepared b/c after 20 years of marriage, you ARE her closest friend, so to speak. When shiz gets rough for her, she's going to come to you to download. DON'T DO IT!!!! As bad as you may want to know what's going on, DON'T LET HER GIVE YOU DETAILS ABOUT ANYTHING SHE'S DOING. She will try.... If you do, you will be in hell b/c the sorrid details will play over and over and over in your head like a broken record. I know it may be hard to go NC, but you must to the best of your ability. Keep it about the kids, legal matters, home etc.

[woodst0ck]

I have been thinking over the past week that it wasn't the right thing to have done as I miussed her so much but this morning, I feel stronger and you were right, it was indeed the right thing to do. I had sorted out the finances and legal matters so that is not an issue but the emotional one is far more important at the moment.

 

I must admit... this morning I feel stronger for it.

 

Thanks all.

[bungalo]

Hey Wood,

 

If a guy had done what she did to you, it would have been viewed as justifiable homicide if the woman killed him. The unmitigated audicity is just

astounding. I am really glad you threw her out. It sounds like you have

problems with being assertive, but you have really drawn a line in the sand now. It sounds like she used your little online fling to justify her

adultery. If I'm not misaken your dalliance was purely cyber? Trust me,

she would've found something else to rationalize her whorish behavior

if you hadn't had that online thing. What infuriates me is this sense of entitlement that I pick up on. Stay strong and resolute. Do not take her back if/when her affair blows up on her. I take it you don't have kids together..so if this is the case...it's better.

[kvb10]

I also think you've done the right thing. I also have to say massive respect to you because it sounds like you have handled things really well and are very strong. I'm sorry this has happened.