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Is it a break up? Am I blind?


Dindi

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I really need advice on this. I am so confused! and I doubt that I see the picture right.

 

I have been in a relationship with this guy for about 6 months. We decided to have a relationship without much commitment and pressure. An open relationship of a kind, but not open sexually. I really fluctuated in how I felt about this relationship. I enjoyed it, then I didn't and we stopped seeing each other, then again got back together ( I realize that these are some commitment issues that I need to work on). Anyway, I felt really comfortable with this guy both psychologically and physically, and it seems to me that he did too (although who knows). But at times I felt as I was being used, and that's probably why I tried to break it off, but there was a very big traction between us. It seemed to me like we've known each other before we met, that's how comfortable it was for me. But, I realize how I could have hurt him by constantly changing my mind (which happened ever time we got really close and comfortable).

 

Anyway, at a particular point in our relationship he told me a secret he's been keeping from me, which I am not going to disclose. Let's just say it was a pretty big deal. He was supposed to move to another city very soon after, so I don't know why he told me. He said that he didn't want to open his secret in the very beginning because he was afraid I wouldn't go out with him. And to my question why he wasn't trying harder to establish a more meaningful relationship he answered that he knew our relationship would grow into love if he did and he didn't want this to happen in order not to hurt me.

 

It just so happened that he didn't move and we went on. Of course, I was very reluctant at first but there was something inside pulling me with a force towards him. Very soon, though I said that I can't go on like this and that I feel like we shouldn't be together and I left. A couple of days later, I texted him admitting (and admitting to myself as well) that when I am with him I sometimes want to escape and when we're apart I want to be with him. We got together for a drink, during which he asked me if I was in love with him. I said that I didn't know. After that, we've been in a steady relationship.

 

Than he learns from the company he works for that he'll be moving to another city. I was away at that time. He didn't tell me this and I learned that he'd be moving elsewhere and I was trully dumbfounded. The news has really thrown me off. What he told me is that afterall he''s moving to a place that is not that far. He had to leave hastily shortly after I came back. I saw him once just a couple of days before and to my texts that we should meet (implying saying goodbyes) he said that he was too busy packing and finishing all the stuff before the move. And no answer to my text offering help. He left without saying goodbye. Giving an excuse later that he lost his charger (for which I have serious doubts).

 

Of course, I was hurt and I did let him know that several times. At one point I got very mad at him and of course I let him know this as well. There was no real effort on his part to contact me and console me or at least explain his behavior (which he said he would do). I still have his stuff that I didn't want to return by mail at first, but than I contacted him asking where I could send it and got no answer from him.

 

So, I am in a weird situation here as I don't know what's going on. I feel hurt and mistreated. Why hasn't he said goodbye? Why doesn't he want me to send his stuff (which implies picking it up in person)? It's almost a month since he contacted me. I understand that it's a lot on his part with moving, new city, new job, but still...

 

What is your take on it? Please let me know. Thank you.

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Seems to me he's moved on. A month is an awful long time for someone to not talk to someone they're supposedly dating when they're perfectly capable of picking up a phone or messaging the person. It seems he's let the physical move do the break up for him, which is awful of him to do to you since you at least deserve the common courtesy to know he's moving on with his life in a different location and that you should move on with yours as well. Hope you're doing ok!

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AJEDrew7, sickoflosing thanks for response!

 

It's hard to accept that I was that blind with how the relationship was going. The gnawing feeling in my chest is killing me. The most confusing part and that is why I had second thoughts about the motivation behind his feeings is because of his talk about love and him not wanting to hurt me. I guess it was just sweet talk.

Then what about the things of his that I still have? They are pretty valuable to him and I know that he definitely wants them back. Would I be right in saying that his mode of thinking is something like "I'll deal with her when I'm visiting my friends back in ..."? I am not sure how I should go about it. I didn't want to send it to him because of how convenient that would be for him of not having to deal with the consequences of his actions, and then on the other hand I was asking myself if I wanted to see him again after how he's behaved.. It's a question of dignity here. I want to behave as an adult even though his behavior is childish, but I don't want to give him a free pass.

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put his stuff in a box somewhere, out of sight. at this point he's not all that interested in his belongings. no one knows what he is thinking but himself. he did warn you after telling you his secret that he didn't want you to fall in love with him because he didn't want to hurt you (if i read correctly). you put yourself in a dangerous position by continuing to see him at that point. now i'm not saying that his actions are excused or you should just get over it because of the warning he gave you, but perhaps his view of your relationship was not the same as yours.

 

me personally? yes i would assume we were broken up after a month of him not responding. i wouldn't contact him over that stuff anymore, and i wouldn't mail it to him either. at some point i'd likely toss it. it's in your house, he's not talking. not right away of course, but i wouldn't hang onto it forever either.

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