Jump to content

Realistic Ways of Thinking of How to Get Back Together - SuperDave71


Recommended Posts

In the end, the lingering thoughts of what used to be can be overwhelming. We try to make sense of something that happened so fast that we try to convince ourselves that we had no idea the inevitable was coming. All those red flags we chose to ignore. All the phone calls to your ex left unanswered…all the mysterious text messages that were sent to your ex yet they had to be answered in the next room…the nights out with the guys/girls grew later and more often than not. In the end, you are left asking what happened to us.

 

P.T. Barnum once said “There is a sucker born every minute.” I used to be one of those suckers because I chose to believe what my ex had to say. It wasn’t until months later that I was able to see her for what she truly was. It took going through a break up for me to realize that I was not at fault though I repeatedly chose to take on our issues myself. I did this because I was made to feel as though I was at constant fault. To put it bluntly, I wasn’t man enough to realize that I was NOT at fault. My thinking was if she said I was at fault, I MUST be at fault. I have never been so wrong.

 

If you are here to find the answers on how to get back together with your ex, you may find suggestions but you will not find the answers. The reason for this is because everyone’s situation is different. Regardless of what you may read or believe, no one will have the answer to your situation. No one, including yourself knows what your ex is thinking, feeling or doing. We can offer you all the advice in the world but it’s up to you to either take it or leave it. Those who are heartbroken, heed my words…

 

 

If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong.

 

 

 

Those that sit and post detail after detail about your situation ( I have been there myself) know that regardless of how much you have to say, none of us to what extent your ex did or didn’t love you. What we do have in common is that our stories are from ONE side and that is our own. There is not a section that reads “What REALLY happened between us.” Though you and your ex went through the same relationship, there will be three sides to every story.

 

 

1. Your Side

2. Their Side

3. What really happened

 

 

 

No matter what you may think you know or what you believe your ex’s intent may be, I will caution you to wait and KNOW what they want rather than assume anything. The moment you start to assume is the moment you make the biggest mistakes. To make assumptions about your situation doesn’t mean you know THEIR intent. Ask yourself these simple questions

 

 

1. Am I a safety-net?

2. Have they made any physical effort to see me? ( no emails, text messages, notes, etc)

3. Are they or have been seeing someone else?

4. Am I ready to possibly talk to my ex about what happened?

5. Did I cause the breakup? If I did, what have I done to prove to my ex that I am not only sorry but I hope to spend a lifetime making up for it?

6. How many times have we broken up in the past and repeated the same actions?

7. Do I love my ex or do I hate being alone?

8. Has my ex used me or taken me for granted in the past? List reasons why

9. Is my ex (or myself) all talk and no action?

10. Do I deserve my ex? Do they deserve me?

 

 

 

By honestly answering the following and without compromising your feelings for your ex (meaning answering the questions while you are calm, cool and collected), you should be able to determine a lot about your situation though the odds may seem against you right now.

 

One of the most valuable lessons I learned many years ago was to be true to who I was and what I wanted and needed. Read that previous line again. This was the most difficult lesson I had to learn. Why? Because by nature, I am a pleaser and I wanted to make my ex happy. I thought that if I could constantly please her, she would please me in return. THIS WAS NOT TRUE. Not everyone is like this, but I want you to understand there is NO LOGIC in LOVE. NONE! As a simple example, have you ever seen your ex’s new companion? What was one of the first things out of your mouth? “Are you kidding me….THAT is who they left me for!?” is usually high up on the reaction meter.

 

 

The art of comparison can be one of your worst enemies. You must understand that though looks are important to some, others are more emotional. If you are an attractive person and can’t seem to understand why your ex left, maybe it was because their emotional needs were met before but slacked in time or they were never met in the first place. It is not rocket science really. No matter what happened, they left you for some reason whether you understand what it is on the front in or not. It also means you may not agree with it once you find the answer but you must accept it.

 

 

There are so many that want to argue why someone left and for the very reason why? Ask yourself this, what positive affect does arguing bring to the relationship? What positive reaction do you expect to get from a negative action? This may seem like common sense, yet in the heat of a “if you will just listen, I will explain” discussion…it typically flies right out the window.

 

 

 

Another misconception is that your ex may run into the arms of another yet you have the idea that they are “just confused” and this is just a phase. Let me be the voice of harsh reality and say this is not the case. They possibly plotted how to leave you for weeks, maybe even months but because you didn’t expect it, you didn’t do anything to avoid it either. To put it another way, they were so confused that they ran into the arms of another because their arms are better than yours? NO!

 

They ASSUMED that someone different will bring newer and better circumstances.

 

 

In our minds, newer is better. A new TV is bigger and looks better yet only lasts for a few months compared to an older set that has lasted for YEARS. The difference is QUALITY….not the way it appears.

 

 

Why do you think ex’s that call after a few months want to see what you are up to? The truth is they miss you. I will not assume to what extent. There are so many out there that believe a scrap ( anything from an ex is an effort to get back together) is better than nothing. I was guilty many years ago. In the end, it was merely because my ex was bored and her man was away on business. I was a plaything and they were just looking for a way to pass the time. DON’T ever give our ex ANY details about what is new in your life. An ex can be very manipulative. Not everyone is this way nor do I want to leave an impression that they are but I tend to lean towards the “don’t give them any information they can use against you in the future”.

 

 

 

Being in a new relationship and letting your ex know about it is NOT their business. If making your ex jealous is your game, then go for it but I will also be the one that will tell you not only do you NOT love your ex, you intent is to HURT your ex. If they hurt you, be the better person and walk away. Why try to hurt them when you are hurting enough? I don’t nor have I ever played games in relationships. I am honest to the point of being brutal. I choose not to make someone guess what I am thinking. If they want to know something….they need to ask. If you can’t be honest with yourself, how can you expect your ex to be honest with you?

 

 

Did you realize that it’s how you handle yourself AFTER a breakup that can make or break if your ex comes back? It’s true. So many people assume talking is the answer. WRONG! Talk is cheap and your ex knows it. If you never talked to your ex when you were together….then why on earth would they believe you now? The answer…they won’t! Don’t tell an ex you’ve changed! YOU SHOW THEM! If they tell you they have changed…you have to make a choice to either believe them or let them show you. If they can’t within a reasonable amount of time…you have your answer.

 

 

 

Action is the very key to getting your ex back.

 

 

 

Some may ask, “But what if my ex won’t see me”? You tell me… put yourself in THEIR shoes. If YOU didn’t want to see someone it would be for a reason. Why force it? Why would you try to see someone that didn’t want to see you? Do you expect it to be just like the movies? NO WAY! You have to gage your situation based off of knowledge and common sense. You can’t force someone to meet you out when they are no comfortable. How is that beneficial to your situation? You don’t need sympathy..YOU NEED COMPASSON. Sympathy only provokes someone feeling SORRY FOR YOU and NOT wanting to truly be with you. RUN away from anything sympathy related. Sympathy is the OPPOSITE of compassion and in this case, it can RUIN ANY CHANCES of reconciliation. You have been warned.

 

 

 

To the men in the audience, the more you try to force something, the more it will break. You cannot show anger or try to bully someone into seeing you. You might as well understand that you will not only ruin all chances of getting back together but you will be branded with the “crazy” label from now on according to your ex. Why not calmly think about your situation and make a possible plan based off of WHAT YOU KNOW rather than what you think you know or ever assume about your ex. The most common mistakes are because a jilted lover assumes they KNOW THEIR EX. My argument is if they knew them so well…why did they walk out the door and now you are left alone trying to pick up the pieces of what use to be your heart? Never assume anything about your situation, your ex or whether or not they are coming back to you or not. EVER!

 

 

 

Crazy phone calls, flowers, jewelry or any gift giving will be seen as manipulation. They may act surprised and flattered but I promise you…don’t do it. You could end up spending hundreds of dollars (or more) and get NOTHING in return but a simple thank you. Spend your hard earned money on someone that DOES love you. This is considered a WIN-WIN instead of a MAYBE- MAYBE. I will take a 100% sure thing any day. Manipulation is frowned upon because you do NOT EVER want to be considered WEAK or needy. If you are sad and give the impression of being depressed, STAY AWAY FROM YOUR EX AT ALL COSTS!! The moment you feel your ex will have pity on you they will. They will also see you for the person they NEVER wanted to be with either. People generally DO NOT call someone they love if they feel they have HURT THEM IN ANY WAY. Who wants to talk to a man that used to be strong and hold you in their arms after being reduced to someone crying into the phone begging you to come back? This is also true for the men. Women need a strong and confident man as men need strong and confident woman. Confidence = GOOD …..PITY = BAD.

 

 

 

It only takes a second to ruin any chances of getting back together. The odds are against you from the beginning. You have to play it smart. If you wonder if you should DO something…DON’T. Go with what you know and NOT how you assume they will react. The truth is NO ONE KNOWS. How do you win them back….patience and understanding. Stand up for yourself and SHOW THEM you are worth fighting for. You task is not an easy one. If you are looking to get back together soon after they left you, be prepared to breakup all over again. The answer is making the glue (LOVE) so strong they NEVER want to leave. You can do this. Use your head and try to leave the heart out as much as you can for now. Be patient. The more you stand on your own two feet the more the confidence will grow. You may be down but you are not out. Be cautious with your new found skills. Use them for the right reasons and not for manipulation. I will you the best in all you do.

 

 

 

 

Your friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

Edited by SuperDave71
  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 52
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Fantastic post.

 

I can relate to pretty much everything said. I wont lie and say i havnt thought about going down the manipulative route, ive got a shed load of ammunition to use against her, i could sabotage her new relationship if i wanted to. But, whats the point?

 

Im very proud to say that i handled the situation with as much dignity as possible,

Ive learnt alot of lessons from the relationship, how to handle things differently.

 

And because of everything, my next relationship, who ever it may be with, will be a hell of alot better.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong.

 

 

 

SuperDave71

 

Nice post Dave. Good to see you stopping by again. =) That said, I can't help but think/add - If you do nothing(eventually), nothing will change. At some point isn't some action required? Otherwise doesn't it all fade to black forever. Being passive shows passivity. I especially think in the case of a man trying to get a women back this holds true. A woman want a man to lead and fight for her. It's such an odd dynamic. Fight for her and chance being labeled a 'psycho', don't fight for her and you simply didn't give damn. I suppose it's all about timing. I dunno. I've been pondering this dynamic for a while now. It's tough to figure out!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Why do you think ex’s that call after a few months want to see what you are up to? The truth is they miss you. I will not assume to what extent. There are so many out there that believe a scrap ( anything from an ex is an effort to get back together) is better than nothing. I was guilty many years ago. In the end, it was merely because my ex was bored and her man was away on business. I was a plaything and they were just looking for a way to pass the time. DON’T ever give our ex ANY details about what is new in your life. An ex can be very manipulative. Not everyone is this way nor do I want to leave an impression that they are but I tend to lean towards the “don’t give them any information they can use against you in the future”.[QUOTE]

 

This paragraph struck a cord with me. My ex throws me scraps and unfortunately I always bite. When I started a new relationship my ex threw me even more scraps than usual and, yes, I guess he manipulated the feelings I had for my new bf. Inevitably that relationship ended and my ex then seemed to back off a little.

 

More recently I decided to ignore all forms of contact. I did so for a few weeks then, for reasons that I'm not sure of myself, I basically set myself up for contact by signing in on MSN as "available". I guess I was testing him. Although he wasn't signed in, he contacted me immediately ... the things he said ... the questions he asked ... the fact he said he loved me (even if flippantly) all lead to one thing .... manipulation. I'm sure he felt he was "losing" me so he throws out even more scraps than usual to get me back where he wants me. Hanging onto him.

 

You would think after 16 months I would realise where things are going .... nowhere.

Edited by Blue68
Link to post
Share on other sites

I see what you mean. I know in my situation that if I left it and did nothing, my ex would think I wasn't bothered, was the person I became and that would justify her decision.

 

Now with LC and showing her I've changed. She knows I'm bothered about us/her and she has seen I'm working towards being a better person.

 

This is helping us move forward. We're dating and things seem to improve every time I see her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Jonas,

 

 

What I am referring to is you do NOTHING based on INSTINCT...you do it after gaging your situation carefully. I do however agree with your thought of do nothing and nothing will change....BUT also....this also applies to changing yourself in order to making YOUR LIFE better as well. If you do NOT change who you are in order to make YOURSELF happy....then changing for someone else is changing for the WRONG reason. If they end up leaving, you are left feeling like you did what you could to make them stay yet they left anyway.

 

 

Always change for the better for you.....NEVER someone else in order to be loved.

 

 

The moment they leave...you are left with a sense of being OWED something because you changed for them...why can't they change for you?

 

 

Think about it.

 

 

Thank you for your comment.

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

Link to post
Share on other sites

KVB,

 

 

The world doesn't stop because you feel down...You take control of you and learn that you can do anything you want if you want it badly enough. Continue looking up....you can do this. I have all the faith in the world that you are the master of your own song.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

Link to post
Share on other sites

Super Dave,

 

I appreciate your thread both old and new.

 

I followed your NC to a tee. My ex left me for someone else. But I had a major problem that screwed me. We were in a 6 yr relationship. After about 3 months she started to come back. Left the guy she was with because she missed me.

 

During our time apart, I did some major reflections on what went wron,g I was able to fix those issues. However, during those 3 months I did alot of writing, bought her cards, wrote love letters, letters that said what I felt I did wrong. But I never sent them based on all of the advice.

 

When she came back, I let her come back too easily. I let her know that I felt I played some role in the breakup. That I was not witout fault. Anyway She found everything I wrote. Nothing angry, nothing negative. But once she found those thing she changed. She no longer wanted to come back. She ended up going back to the guys she left me for. N

 

This was 1 month ago. I just recently got a letter from her that she still misses me. But she fights it, blames her missing me on regret, guilt for what she did to me and how she treated me. She still tells me she loves me. But is afraid to try again for fear things won,t work.

 

I dont know at this point?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dumped,

 

Whether she found your writings or not doesn't make a difference in her decision. It's her OWN. If you want her back, don't give into to her idea that you would EASILY let her back in.

 

You have to stand your moral ground. Do you need her or do you WANT her? There is a big difference. When you answer the question, ask yourself why? She sounds as if she wants you but knows you are still there so she can do what she wants and you will be left waiting for her when she is through... is this love? Is this the woman you wait for?

 

Use that backbone of yours to put a stop to letting someone pull your strings. You are not a puppet. Cut the strings and start acting like the man you are.

 

 

Enough is enough.....love is love but allowing yourself into settling for someone else's "GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM TO STICK AROUND"...is another.

 

 

 

Cut her loose

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been hanging around here for a while, and seems this thread is closest to my position.

 

Dated her for 3 years; I'm 15 years older than her; she has a young son; she was separated from her H when we met. She always told me I was 'the one' and to believe, it was just a matter of time, she had no intentions of going back to the H, she just couldn't figure out the impact on her son, in spite of the dad totally disconnected. He stayed with a friend and would come and go at his convenience.

 

We were completely connected, always told me the age diff was nothing to her, in fact she thought it was attractive and sexy that we were on the same plane in a lot of ways, culturally, socially, spiritually, etc. Anyway, I've been divorced 10 years, dated quite a bit during that time, and NEVER met anyone like her. We talked 3-4 times a day, met whenever we could, etc, it was all very good.

 

Her plan was to file for D, move out a while with her son, let him acclimate, I'd still be around but not cohabitating too. That sounded like the right thing to me. She wrote me a letter in July to say she found what she lacked her whole life and wanted us to be married, etc. I completely agreed with her. We were even looking at homes, for us, in a year or so. I never pushed her, all her idea.

 

Come Sept 09, she starts acting differently, not answering the phone as often, not stopping by on her way to/from work (is a bartender at a nice restaurant just down the street from my home). If I asked, she would just say the pressure of the impending D was getting to her, so I tried to roll with her on that.

 

Then, one night I go over to the restaurant around the time she'd be getting off her shift. Usually, we'd have a drink or something to eat, maybe come back here for a while, then she'd go home. i walk in and she is already off, but sitting at the bar with a dude, her age, bad boy biker type. She is very close, laughing, etc with him. I was surprised when she didn't get right up to kiss me, say hi or anything, she just kept talking to him.

 

Finally, she says 'this is my friend -----' and then just introduces me as my name, no friend, nothing. I just walked out figuring she'd come over to my place. Nothing, no call, no text, nothing. 2 days later, a text saying it isn't what I think. I reply, "then, tell me what it IS".

 

As time went on, and I pressed for an explanation, it ends up she dated him before she got married, he dumped her for someone else, he got married. Now he's divorced, has 2 kids her son's age.

 

She says she met him again at a friend's funeral back in March 09. Went to his house a few times over the summer so her son could play with kids his age, and THAT'S ALL it is. Things got more and more strained but we kept seeing each other. I could never figure out why she never mentioned him over the summer. Bad gut feeling on this.

 

Finally end of October, she rents a house, is moving out. I tell her I'll be there to help her move in, etc. She tells me has help. I ask who? It's the bad ass. I'm blown away. Not surprised, but totally blown away. She says she just can't be in a commited relationship right now.

 

For the last two months, I stop in the place now and then when she's working. Last weekend, she smiles, comes around the bar, gives me a big hug and kiss, whispers that she misses me, still loves me. But always, just leaves when she gets off work. I've invited her to go somewhere for a quick drink before she heads home, and she declines. Still doesn't answer the phone or return my call. I only call maybe once every week or two. It's too painful to not get a reply, so i haven't tried at all the last 7 days. Nothing from her.

 

All of our mutual friends at the restaurant have told her I'm the guy for her, they've told me he has no job, been arrested a bunch of times for DUI, drugs, etc. That she must be using him for watching her son. I have my own business, financially set.

 

I want back. Don't know if I should just disappear or fight for her, let her know how much I want to be with her. Sorry this is so long, hope this isn't robbing your thread, but the topic was what I've been searching for.

 

Thanks for any advice.

Link to post
Share on other sites

SD,

"would she do the same for me?" If you mean would she fight to get back with me, I'd have to say, for the almost 3 years up until Oct/Nov, I would have emphatically said 'yes'. She told me the reason she backed away from me was because I was jealous of her seeing this guy back then. She didn't like that, my defense was, it wasn't unfounded. She changed before I saw them together, my gut told me something was going on.

 

But, if I put myself in her shoes now, apparently the answer is no. It's hurtful to think about her, when I call, and she sees it's me, what is going through her head to not pick it up. And, to never call me back.

 

Then the confusion comes when I stop by at her work, and she smiles, says "Hi Babe", hugs me, laughs with me, gives me "that look" when she's mixing drinks, tells me what a tough time she's having with money, difficulty with the divorce, etc etc.

 

I just want to ask her then why the hell is she with this guy? But I won't. So, I always leave wondering what is going on in her head.

 

To your original post on this thread...I'm killing myself trying to figure out... if I do nothing, just go total NC, will she think I don't care anymore? On the other hand, she isn't initiating any contact with me, so...I guess that's the answer. She's doing what she wants and I can't do anything about that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Super Dave,

 

Do you advocate NC or LC after a second breakup where he's saying to me he's confused and doesn't know if he can ever see it working (said the same thing a year ago but we got back together). I don't want to do complete NC and let him fade away but it's like he needs to see me gone to realize what he has...I think he thinks I'll always let him back in...it's only been a week

Link to post
Share on other sites

sadchitownguy,

 

I had something similar happen to me. What drives you crazy is when you think about how wonderful you and your ex were together...how the fun, sex, communication, trust, etc all was there and continually ask yourself...Why did she throw it all away? Many times you will never know...many times they can't even tell you. I still think about how good things were with my ex and am disappointed about my relationship ending, but am out dating again and know I will find another person to share my life with. Your ex made the decision to end what seemed to you a wonderful relationship, and as hard as it is, you must move on. Actions speak louder than words...if she wanted to be with you, she would be. Everyone here advocates improving yourself, etc. It is all true, and you will be better off in the future, its just the present that is so hard to get through. We all have been there. Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Superdave,

 

I once emailed you years ago asking for advice on how to get my ex-girlfriend back. You gave me the perfect advice, and I followed it... for a while. I told you that she had came back, and that she had told me that she made a mistake. We got back together. You warned me that I let my guard down too soon, and that it was in my best interest to stay strong, and to make her work for it. I did not do that.

 

You were right, and I'm finally taking your advice to heart.

 

You are a real inspiration to me as well, and I'm glad that you took the time to write this post.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Superdave,

 

I once emailed you years ago asking for advice on how to get my ex-girlfriend back. You gave me the perfect advice, and I followed it... for a while. I told you that she had came back, and that she had told me that she made a mistake. We got back together. You warned me that I let my guard down too soon, and that it was in my best interest to stay strong, and to make her work for it. I did not do that.

 

You were right, and I'm finally taking your advice to heart.

 

You are a real inspiration to me as well, and I'm glad that you took the time to write this post.

 

I feel like I'm doing that right now!! I think I let my guard down too soon, he barely had to work for it. How do I reverse this? I don't want to be taken advantage of or used...and I'm sort of getting that feeling. I feel like he has all the power now and I'm the needy one (I'm not calling all the time, I just feel that way when we're together) so how do I get my power back as well?

 

What do I do?!?!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Nauum,

 

 

A week to realize what you lost is NOTHING but distance. It's what's in the heart that matters. No one fades away...they walk away because they don't see the positive. People need to own up for their own behavior rather than make excuses why something can't or isn't working.

 

If you are the one doing all the work and expect them to change, who is the bigger fool?

 

 

Actions speak louder than words....

 

 

In order to get someone to understand the loss of what they once had....heart and soul...

 

They must lose it COMPLETELY to feel the regret (if any)

 

 

It takes a stronger person to walk away rather than stand around and accept the "good enough" mentality from those that can't make up their minds.

 

 

Love is a two way street.....if they can't walk with you, kick them to the curb. You have better things to do than sit and wait.

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...