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I could never find one such as you...SuperDave71


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Several years ago, I can vividly remember how much my heart ached and I felt the void that my ex left when she walked away. I also remember trying to bargain with old man time to just rewind the previous events in order to correct what I felt was wrong not only with me but the relationship as a whole. The biggest reality check I have ever received was when my ex started seeing someone else immediately. Your heart and head try to come to some sort of conclusion as to “why”…or what did I do to deserve this. The truth is that I did nothing. Even if I had done something, it didn’t compare to my punishment of hearing how happy she was in the arms of another man.

 

 

 

We often write of our longing to be with someone who either left you for another…or just couldn’t handle the relationship the way it was. Through the years, I chose to not look back and say what could have been, I choose to look at what I AM today. There are so many that choose to live in the past and continue to blame themselves for why the relationship failed. We have all looked back and tried to make sense of something we will never know the TRUE answers to. We try to look at certain events or even behavior patterns in order to come to some sort of conclusion. They left me because of this…If I were only more understanding….If I had only acted this way instead of THAT way they would still be here with me instead of happy without me. The more you think about it, the more you get bogged down in details that don’t really matter. It’s tough to swallow but the reality is that they are gone. You may have the title “Single” but you are not ALONE. There is a distinct difference between being alone and being lonely.

 

 

 

I am hoping that there are those out there that really need to hear what I hope to convey in a loving but logical way. You are not different, cursed, jinxed or a loser just because someone has left you. The truth is that in the long run, you may even look back and realize that it never could have worked out the first place. In my writings, I choose not to give false hope but I do write from experience. Based on what you think you know, what others know and what you learn from others is how we grow and mature. A broken heart, just like death, doesn’t pray on a certain group or type of people. Love also is exempt from this. We all fall in love, want to be in love or hope for someone to come along and love us for who we are. Just because one relationship didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean they will ALL not work out. Get that negative feeling out of your head and especially your heart. It serves no purpose in your life and especially in your head. I cannot count how many times I put myself down in order to make sense of why she left. I continued to blame me for her issues. I am a man that can take full responsibility for my own actions. I can stand on my own two feet and I can also crawl if I have to. I would waste countless hours blaming and thinking of a solution to get her back. The truth was..her heart left months ago, it was her body she needed to convince to finally leave. Those that have experienced someone that may have stayed with you but doesn’t want to BE with you as a partner know exactly what I mean. I would rather someone be completely honest and say “I don’t love you anymore and I think we should break” rather than be blindsided and told one day after everything seemed fine that we should break up.

 

 

 

Those who are beating your head against the wall, reading countless self-help books, articles and trying to make sense of it all need to listen to me very carefully. Just because you are trying to make sense of why or how it happened doesn’t mean you will ever find it. Even in death you know at least it’s final. Break ups can be so nerve wrecking because if you are left with a “I just need some time right now”…you have no idea what that means. What your heart gets out of it is that it cannot freely give and receive the love it wants from your partner you looked so long to find. You chest remains empty as your mind starts to wander and reasoning kicks into overdrive due to all the unanswered questions you are left to face. How do you deal with someone who has left the questions unanswered? What I did was finally understand that there are certain things that HAVE NO ANSWERS at least not yet. Do you know how difficult it is to wait on something your heart wants so badly yet your eyes and mind tell you the man/woman you saw standing next to and holding your ex’s hand is “just a friend”? You try to convince your heart that your head is saying ‘it’s ok because they LOVE ME….NOT them….this is only a phase. They will be back soon enough.’ That soon enough turns into weeks even months yet you are left alone wondering when they will finally return. The harsh truth is, the left you, moved on and you are left trying to NOW tell your heart “but…but…but she said she loved ME?!” All those times together come rushing back. You think of all the good times you had together and try so desperately to push out the thoughts of your ex with someone else yet the sun starts to set and your heart and the evening sky grow dark and cold.

 

 

 

The nights after the break can be terrifying if you are alone. Not only is time against you but your mind plays games with you. You start to conjure up old memories, feelings, time together when you both were intimate. Every minute that passes seems like hours. The thoughts start pouring out and then the “what if’s”. come into play. What if I send her roses or just go by to see her…then she will know how much I love her? No…for the love of God….NO! The one thing that will drive you insane is the “if I do this….they will respond like that”. WRONG! The moment you assume ANYTHING about your partner regardless of how much time you have spent with them in the past, will be thrown back in your face. Those who have tried with this thought process rarely succeeds or if they do it is not for very long because even people can get used to being with someone even if they were not healthy for them. The thought process is that my partner will change because after all, they love you. WRONG!

 

Listen carefully to the next sentence:

 

 

**Just because someone SAYS they love you...yet DOES NOTHING to reinforce it…doesn’t mean they don’t love you…it means they DON’T LOVE YOU ENOUGH.**

 

 

 

Love is a give and take. Think of it as a drinking glass. If you consume all the contents, you need to refill it. The heart is the same way. After being single and happy with who we are as a person, we are able to fill out OWN heart. When a single person gets involved in a relationship, the roles switch around a bit. It is UP TO YOU to fill your own heart as well as your partner to give you the love you not only want but need in order to be happy. What some do not understand is that when you find it necessary for someone to fill your heart and you cannot do it yourself because you were not able to in the first place then your partner leaves what are you left with? You are left with a heart that will ALWAYS be empty. This is where loneliness, depression and other negative thoughts take root. The space that was once filled with love from someone else is left to possibly filled with resentment, anger, sadness and a general feeling of not good enough. DO NOT left these things take root. The moment they take root in your heart is the moment you start to BELIEVE these feelings to be TRUE which is never the case.

 

 

 

If you have to lower yourself to beg, stalk, read your ex’s emails, be consumed with their status page online or wonder who they are seeing on a regular basis, then I hope you can stop and look at your own behavior and realize how low you really are in order to be loved by someone who just walked out on you. Why put yourself through that? As I said before, sometimes it’s better not to know. Save yourself the embarrassment and headache and just be the better person and let it go. People come back because THEY WANT TO not because you DID SOMETHING in order for them to stay. If this is the case, it will be short lived. I would rather have someone stay because they wanted to FREELY because of who I was rather than a something I did in order to LOOK loving.

 

 

 

I know being lonely is hard. I know because I was once there. You won’t find answers on the Internet. You won’t get them in a book or not even from a friend…you will get them from yourself. Until you understand that you deserve better….until you understand that you do not need them to complete you to be happy….until you realize that your life does not stop just because someone stopped love you..until you realize that you are a treasure and not a basket case…until you realize that you are YOU and NO ONE not even someone that once loved you can EVER take that away from you. Stand up and be heard…you are down but not out. You are not a quitter. You are someone who needs to convince your own heart that you deserve happiness. All it takes it time, positive reinforcement and a lot of effort on your part.

 

 

 

 

If I can do it…I know you can. How do I know these things…because even as a complete stranger..no matter where you are….I believe in you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

Edited by SuperDave71
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It's always nice to hear from you again, Dave. Your postings and advice truly helped me get through the most difficult times two years ago. I'm so glad that we're both in a good place right now.

 

Thanks again for bringing your infinite wisdom to eNotAlone.

 

- Amore

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Once again thanks Super Dave.

 

I just, within the hour, went to my ex's house and dropped off some flowers and a card telling her that I was here for her. Her sister is currently in the hospital and her mother is going in next week for surgery. I know she is stressed so I wanted to let her know that I was thinking of her and that everything would be ok.

 

I did this because I thought it was the right thing to do and deep down I was hoping somehow maybe she would see that I am here for her. Maybe I should have let everything lie. You are right there is no reason to fight for someone that won't fight for you. It just hurts and when our mind and heart is hurting we don't think straight.

 

Anyway, thank you again for providing your guidance on here. You really are right in what you say.

 

Peace...

 

X

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As much as i avoid the GBT forum, it still brings me back i would say generally not out of desire to have her back, but rather out of the last reminisce of grief i have over losing, her and the 3 years of the relationship, and subsequent year of darkness afterwards.

 

What strikes me is the purity of your posts. Though you very well know the outcome of 99% of the stories we read, you disregard that fact and add insight and comfort in the most needy of places, the internet. In all reality, people that make it this far in their quest for answers need advise like this. I know i did, i had virtually no one to turn to, so i found comfort here.

 

I ultimately left GBT because i couldnt deal with the negativity of giving advice to others that werent ready to see it. Thats where i think you really shine, rather than providing the band aid to a select few you attempt to answer the real questions to those whom choose to seek it. Thanks

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Thanks SuperDave. Your inspirational posts have gotten me through many tough times.

 

After I read one of your posts, I no longer feel ashamed that someone has left me.

 

Instead, I feel proud that I was loyal to the end. It was my ex's loss that they didn't value it. I can walk into any crowd of mutual friends and know I did my best.

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  • 1 month later...

Thank you so much. The main thing to remember is that you are not alone. People feel the same way though their situations are completely different.

 

 

I try to bring a bit of clarity in my threads and I really appreciate everyone's positive responses.

 

 

Thank you so much,

 

 

SuperDave71

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  • 2 years later...

Simply wonderful post SD. Thought I'd bump it back up on the board since it's been hidden away in the archives so long. This is "must read" material!

 

A lot of what Dave says in this post are things we hear all the time. But it means so much more when it comes from someone that you KNOW has been through the s***, and is well wise. So clear and so true. Thank you very much Dave for taking the time to write such wonderful posts.

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