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Sometimes they do care...when we think they don't!


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I have had very little contact with my ex over the past few months so that I can heal and move on. After I told him that we couldn't be friends as i wanted more, and there was no response, I thought he really didn't give a toss about me anymore. There is more but I always waffle too much LOL!

 

Last week our boiler broke down - I live in rental accommodation and last time this happened before my ex was around it was summertime and it took a month for the estate agents to get it fixed My ex had tinkered with it and got it a running a few times while we were together. I called a few friends who knew nothing about it and didn't want to touch it - I also tried myself but couldn't sort it...it was a freezing cold night, we had no hot water and no heat and I panicked...texted him for advice - he called me straight away and talked me through what to do - it didn't work as one of the knobs came off in my hand LOL!!!! We only talked about the boiler, nothing else.

 

Next day I got the estate agents to sort it out straight away - he texted that night to see if I got it sorted...I said I did and told him I appreciated his help. No further response.

 

I expected to hear no more from him but tonight out of the blue he texted me asking what the weather was like with us and telling me he was bored as he hadn't been able to work because of the weather where he was....a pointless text really!

 

I responded briefly and again no response.

 

He has rarely initiated contact in the past. I have been trying to move on - blocked him on Facebook, no New Year's greeting etc etc...while I was trying to be all friendly to him, he was wary - now I have backed off a lot, he is being friendly to me in contacting me, but still guarded....a stupid text on a Friday night about the weather!!!! Bit lame and a very safe topic LOL!

 

Don't really know why I am posting - just maybe it shows that although they may not be showing it, sometimes our exes still care about our wellbeing. They may not be very vocal but we can still be on their minds.

I feel good knowing he didn't ignore me as he could easily have done.

 

It hasn't set me back but I don't plan on initiating any contact again until I know I am fully healed.

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Strange things do happen. My ex added me on skype out of the blue and said she wanted to try friendship, she too is not messaging me all the time and nor am I online much anymore but its a start. Sometimes we do not realize that they may still be hurting or they still care enough but want to put on the brave tough front or maybe they really do want to be friends and bury the hatchet.

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No, I don't think I want anything to come of this, not anymore - but being honest it changes from time to time...I spent a long time looking for hope on the getting back together forum but after a long and confusing time of trying to get him back and then trying to be friends but inside hoping for more, I decided that the best thiing for me was to stop hurting myself and really try to move on properly....

 

It has been difficult because he has not seen me much in the past year as he has been consciously trying to move on himself but when we did meet up a few times we got on so well, were still attracted and hooked up. I had to stop doing this stupid cycle as he didn't want a relationship with me and was trying to avoid meeting me in person because there was still that attraction....we have only spoken on the phone a few times over the past year. it really surprised me when he called rather than just texted some advice.

 

Since I told him I didn't just want to be friends and stopped emailing and texting anymore he has initiated contact a few times. It kinda annoys me as i don't want to be horrible and ignore him completely but I don't want to be friendzoned as it wasn't even proper friends. Guess it is kinda confusing....

 

He wanted the single life but he has shown signs of being a bit low - he had a miserable Christmas (my daughter met him after Christmas) ... it seems he doesn't want to lose all contact but doesn't want to be with me....I miss the person he was - not this cold person he has become.

 

Why can't life and people just be simple!!!

 

I don't know whether i should just have ignored him and got on with stuff or whether I should have responded. The text was just pointless and suppose by responding I look weak, even though I kept it cool and brief, it still shows i will jump when he wants me to....

 

But that is silly pride!

 

All these mind games and having to think about what to do or not do is so silly. I suppose if i was healed I wouldn't overthink it all anymore.

 

MissKitty I do think that even if someone isn't contacting you then it doesn't necessarily mean that you don't cross their mind from time to time. Folk have a lot fo screwed up reasons for their actions - or inactions...

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The only danger comes in thinking they care when they are not even in contact, and that is not the case here.

 

I thinks its more of a case in accepting that although you aren't hearing from them it doesn't mean they didn't once care about you and that they don't wonder about you from time to time as opposed to actually believing that they still care about you in a certain way .... if that makes sens!!

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I thinks its more of a case in accepting that although you aren't hearing from them it doesn't mean they didn't once care about you and that they don't wonder about you from time to time as opposed to actually believing that they still care about you in a certain way .... if that makes sens!!

 

I agree. Some people feel so hurt that they go straight into hardcore NC and don't get out of it for a while... But they still think of their exes and it still hurts. Now, if NC was broken and a "friendship" was established, and one of them contacts the other way more than the appropriate amount of contact between two ex-lovers, then yeah, something is still there.

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There really is no evidence in any direction on the "if they contact me or not equals thinking of/forgotten" theories.

 

One thing I have noticed though....look at this board, almost everyone here who is in strict NC(some even for years) with their exes are doing what? thinking about them! Even those who have dumped people. There are even people on here WITH another bf/gf and yet posting about their ex that haven't talked to in X-amount of time. I find that interesting lol but there is just no real way to tell.

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You make a very good point Psychomagnet! Nowt as * * * * * as folk!

 

He texted me again later last night but it was just a stupid joke - he hasn't done that for months!

 

Do they have some kinda inbuilt radar that clicks in and worries them - oh she is trying to move on now, she isn't boosting my ego anymore - I need to know she still is hanging in there for me! Grrrrrr...he knows I don't want to be just friends right now but has ignored that and I am feeling a tad p*****d off right now! Just when i am trying to forget about him, he puts himself back in my head...OK so I asked him for advice, but that seems to have opened up a door again to lame contact which I really don't want!

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You know what they say... once you really move on, they come back. They just know.

 

 

 

You may have to close that door again, especially if you think it's going to mess your healing process. So you told him you couldn't do the friends thing and that you were going NC? I didn't tell my ex I was going NC but I wonder sometimes what he would have done if I told him I couldn't be his friend... I think he was always counting on me keeping that open....

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I mailed him in December being completely honest about my feelings. That really unless we were more than just friends it would be best to disappear from each others lives. I wished him much happiness and heard absolutely nothing...

 

A few weeks later he included me in a mass 'Happy Christmas' mail - I mailed him bluntly to ask him to take me off his list. He responded with 'fine consider it done, guess this is goodbye then...'....I had said my goodbyes weeks before!!!

 

Just before New Year, we agreed not to be strangers but for now it still wasn't possible for me to be friends, maybe down the line....he said OK to that but said to me to bear in mind he wasn't the kinda person to be in regular contact with folk even ones he called good friends...OK!

 

SO yes, I have told him I can't be just his friend right now, but who knows what happens with time and down the line...

 

It is a tough one OptimisticGirl - I think if they know you don't intend to be in contact with them and are consistent in not being friends then it would make them take stock sooner of what they really want. WHile they know that you are still amenable to them they don't really have to worry or think about the possibility of you not being in their lives ever again....BUT I have flaked and responded to his contact so I am now giving the wrong message. For me I have to just not respond, but it seems quite mean to me!

 

On the other hand, if they don't explicitly know that you don't want any contact from them it does leave doors that little bit more open...and silence in itself speaks volumes. I really don't know which option is best!!!

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You could always tell him nicely again that although you thank him for the help and enjoyed what contact you did have, that you are still healing and still can not be friends. You don't want to be a stranger to him but you are still healing.

 

I don't know if you want him to know you are still healing or not but anything along those lines wouldn't be mean. It's the truth. You are healing.

 

Like you said.. silence speaks volume. I'm learning that and as a writer, I constantly want to talk my way through things lol and my ex knows that. So I'm hoping the silence DOES speak to him.

 

Hang in there girl.

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I think it is also about getting to a point where we no longer care about whether they think about us or not - that is my goal! WOuld love a time machine to zoom to that point LOL!!!

 

That is definitely what it is all about. All the time you are analysing why your ex hasn't contacted you and deciphering if it is right or wrong then you clearly are nowhere near over them. Over time it bothers you less, until eventually you become completely nonchalent and have fully accepted the fact that there are no mandatory rules as regards contact from your ex.

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There really is no evidence in any direction on the "if they contact me or not equals thinking of/forgotten" theories.

 

One thing I have noticed though....look at this board, almost everyone here who is in strict NC(some even for years) with their exes are doing what? thinking about them! Even those who have dumped people. There are even people on here WITH another bf/gf and yet posting about their ex that haven't talked to in X-amount of time. I find that interesting lol but there is just no real way to tell.

 

1000% agree and a point I have been trying to get accross for some time but you put it accross perfectly.

 

Every dumper is different, every dumpee is different, every situation is different and everyone's mind set is different. Nothing is black or white and you simply cannot put the dumper in just one of two categories (ie they care because they call, or the don't care because the don't call). Nothing is that simple.

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