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I really want to save my marriage! Help me please!


SwedishWife

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Married for one year and a half..had our ups and downs...now he tells me he filled for divorce. I went to visit my parents and my first new born nephew for the holidays and my love was suppose to come a few days later. In the mean time we chatted, said the I love and miss you words, yet a few days I get this email from him telling me he thinks we are better of without each other and that he thinks our marriage is not bringing him full happiness, that we have different values and since religion has been a big factor in our life, he is not interested in that anymore and therefore he wants out...and he did want out since August after we had a fight where he ended up telling me he doesn´t love me anymore and that he is not happy. After we had that fight and things cooled down he came to me in deep meekness and told me that he truly loves me and that he only said it because of anger and frustration. I was hurt but once he said that to me I felt good about us...Since August I dealt with a lot of depression and I did not know what to do about it, I did not really know it was depression, I would have gotten some medicine...I just thought it was the fight we had that hunted me down constatly and I could not be myself again.

Thanksgiving came, I cooked our first Thanksgiving meal as a young couple, it was a blast, we had a really good time, then my time to fly home came and he took me to the airport, kissed and hugged, called when I landed, texted, chatted...Then few days later he sends me an email telling me he filled for divorce, he sent all my stuff my family´s home, he changed his cell number, moved to LA ( which I found out from a common friend) because he refuses to talk to me. I have not heard from him since the divorce email, I emailed, I begged and pleaded for chances on our marriage, but his decision is final he tells me and that nothing I would say would change his mind. He refuses to talk to me at all for a long time, I feel like I am contageous or something since no one is talking to me, I am being very poorly treated by a family that once became mine and a husband that told me he will always look after me...yet I am heartbroken and he would not even email me. I feel lost. I want him back and I would take him back in a second. After all my humble, begging and pleading emails and phone calls to his family I stoped. I am not sure what to do anymore. I read online and I know I did all the wrong things, all the begging and pleading...now I am not doing that anymore, I am being quiet and giving him the time to miss me and be a lonely coward that I would still take back. He is still my husband, I have him included in all my dreams and aspirations and our plan to have a baby in 2010.

I want to give him some time and go to LA and talk to him. I think that once he sees me he will realize how much he missed me and want me back. That´s my hope. I still have hope. Am I being unreasoable?? Why would he not give our marriage a real try...since our fight in August it was not enough time to make much of an improvement due to work and schools. I did ask him everyday if he is happy and he said yes and that he loved me. Plus we said our sorries and I thought he meant it. I do get easely irritated during my PMS but that can be fixed with proper medicine, no big deal about it if that is the real issue...Not sure what to do anymore. And now, after a few weeks of being quiet he emails me and tells me that the thought of me suffering is killing him and that he wants to help me move on and he is asking me to email him to help me find closure but that his decision is final. I have not emailed him back. I think that I am not ready for closure, I want our marriage to work and plus, I am very confused since a few weeks back he told me I will not hear from him again and now he changes his mind and wants to be friends. I don´t know what to think anymore. I know he changed his mind in the past, and this is also a good example. It honestly scared me when he said I will not hear from him again yet deep inside I kind of knew he will contact me again, and he did. Now I am not emailing him back so I can give him time to miss me and maybe reconsider divorce. It´s a messy situation and I hate doing this..I feel guilty for not emailing him back, but after all those days of me pleading and begging for him not to divorce me, I think I can at least take my time writing him back.

How can I honestly get to him and desire to work on our marriage? We never got professional help but I want him to be willing to work and accept that we can save our marriage instead of telling me that his decision is final and that nothing I will say would make him change that.. Any ideas?? I really want to save my marriage! ( Sorry this is so long, I would appreciate your input)

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This may sound harsh, but what is there to save when one party to the marriage has made it clear time after time that he wants out because he isn't happy? You say he has said so for months now. Clearly he hasn't changed his mind, since he actually filed for divorce, so maybe this is truly what he wants. You can't force him to want the opposite and no amount of crying, begging or flying to see him will probably change his mind if he hasn't already since August, despite having Thanksgiving with you and whatnot. Sure, he may still love you and care for you, but you can love and care for someone and realize you are not happy or good together. That's probably where he is at. He may want to stay friends because he cares about you, so that isn't weird. Plus, if there has been ongoing conflict and threats to leave for months now, then this hasn't been a healthy or stable marriage and it is best it end for both your sakes, which is probably why he took the first step. I suggest that, if you really must, call him or email him and say what you feel, what you hope for, and then let him respond. If after that, he still wants out, then let him go if you truly care about him and his happiness and most importantly, your own. I know it's hard to accept that he may be happier elsewhere, but it's what's best for everyone, especially you. What kind of life is it to live with someone who doesn't love you or want you anymore? You deserve to start over. This is just the beginning of a hard road to travel, but it is best to accept this now and start healing than to wallow in pain, regret, etc. or you will never heal.

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And now, after a few weeks of being quiet he emails me and tells me that the thought of me suffering is killing him and that he wants to help me move on and he is asking me to email him to help me find closure but that his decision is final.

 

Jeez that is big of him! All through your post you keep looking at what you did wrong...there is no sense of anger at his actions or looking at how he has let you down in this relationship. He has treated you appallingly and now he wants you to contact him because he doesn't like the idea of you suffering! I know it is hard but can you try and take a step back and read your post again - if this was a friend teeling you this, what would you say to them?

 

If you do respond - which I wouldn't! - then you need to be strong and show him that you are not suffering. His ego sounds huge. I am sorry but I think that going quiet on him will give him time to think and you have been doing really well so far.

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