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time to get some real advice


danielz

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Hello. I've been on this forum for a while, reading stories and whatnot. Finally I decided it's time for me to post something. I'll try to keep it short. If it's long... yell at me.

 

Story is pretty much standard. I had a girlfriend who dumped me. We started off as friends with benefits and the progressed to a real relationship, which was surprisingly very strong. Ie when I told people we broke up, nobody believed me. They actually had to confirm it with her. Overall, including friends with benefits, we were together for around 2 years and 4 months. Oh we're 20 by the way.

 

It came out of nowhere (or I'm dumb). Weekend including Monday we see each other and everything is super. Tuesday she sends me a love email. Wednesday she's ignoring me , Thursday she's ignoring me. Friday I called her and she says we need to talk. We meet she dumps me. I told her to be 100% honest. Reasons: not romantic enough, too jealous, she had too much power, overall lost feelings for me. She also mentions an "unrelated twist" about a guy named... let's call him O. For other. Supposedly O declared his love to her.

 

I acted well. I didn't cry, yell. I was overall not hurt at all. Even made a couple of jokes. When I left I was still like that, I forced myself cause I didn't have time to waste on being upset. I had exams =P

 

That night she called me on skype crying. Of course she was quite drunk. Extremely. The standard she misses me and crying. She also fessed up that O professed his love to her on Tuesday and Wednesday they cuddled a lot but nothing happened. Overall every second word she said was "i dont know whats going on"

 

Anywho I wasn't in the mood so I dismissed it and told her to figure her poop (I may have used a different word) out.

 

Next two days I called her twice (once a day) to try to change her mind. I may have been a tad pathetic. After that I sent her a completely heartfelt email, that even though I don't agree with it and I am super sad, that I respect her and need to take time off from her and when my emotions stable, I will talk to her again. Supposedly she showed that email to a lot of people and said it was very mature.

 

After that cold-turkey NC for two weeks. It was bad at first but it got better and better. She tried contacting me multiple times but I ignored. She said she misses me, the results of her actions are starting to sink in, stuff like that. But I ignored. On new years she called and I unfortunately picked up (no caller ID, she's sneaky). Quite drunk, I was worried for her. I was pretty formal, told her to go to sleep.

 

Two days later she called me again and before I could dismiss her, she told me she was sexually assaulted by... let's call him CBIWJO. For creepy bastard I was jealous of. So I put my wants aside and talked to her on skype, as she wasn't going to tell anyone else. It was super fun and happy. Lasted a bit long (3 hours but whatever). Near the end she started crying and I asked her if my jokes are that terrible that she has to cry. She said she's sorry. I told her that I hope she's not sorry about our breakup, as the relationship was clearly not good for her and now we get a chance to grow. She says at first she wasn't sad at all, as she was distracted by the drama and love-pentagon (I didn't ask.....), then she missed me a lot but she figured it was as a friend, but now after talking to me she thinks its a different kind of miss. We ended up planning to go snowboarding together second weekend of January.

 

After that I went back to NC, as I wasn't fully ready. For two days she contacted me through skype, msn, texts in friendly happy ways. Finally on Tuesday she wrote "are you back to ingoring me?". I ignored that too. Now it's Friday. And that's my story. Her relationship with O I have no clue about. I'm doing well.

 

Anyways, where do I go from here? Should I contact her now? I think I am ready. Or should I wait for her to contact me again? If she doesn't contact me by our get-together weekend, should I contact her or just forget about it?

 

And since this is in the getting-back together forum, I think you all know what I actually want in the end. But also, we've both been each other's closest friends since Junior Kindergarten. So worst case scenario, and it will suck, I do not ever want to lose her as a friend.

 

Sh*t this turned out long. Sorry.

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No need to apologise. I've posted longer lol.

 

Firstly I think you should be consistent with your contact. You are flipping between LC and NC and that will send her mixed messages. I'm guessing that you want her back so, at this stage, it might be a good idea to stay with LC. Wait for her to initiate contact and respond accordingly.

 

If you do want to get back together then I wouldn't suddenly start ignoring her and then flip back to LC again that will make you seem "flakey" and not serious about what you want. If you want her back then you want her to know that.

 

Secondly, in this instance and as you have already arranged to meet up with her, I would call her. She has already tried to call you since this arrangement and is probably quite confused.

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thanks for your reply.

Yes I know I was inconsistent.

But the only reason I broke NC was because of her situation, so I had to be there for her. No girl should ever be in that situation, and it would be extremely rude of me not to be there.

I'm planning on doing LC.

But even though I want her back, say she does ask me to come back. I can't do it yet. I'm not ready. I want our new relationship to be perfect, so I need to figure out my issues.

 

I was thinking that when I think I'm fully ready, would you say yes/no to me doing something big. Something romantic (as she often complained I'm not romantic enough).

 

One thing I forgot to include. What about her relationship with O? I have no clue whats going on with them. But if she ends up actually with him, should I wait it out and then do "something big" or do it during.

 

I also forgot to say some stuff about O. He's.... something else. Every girl falls for him, and he is a major flirt. Out of my close friends, 3of them (not including me) have been left for for this guy. Maybe this is different, and he actually is serious for her, I can't say.

 

Ah life would be so much easier if girls didn't exist. Then I would actually be productive and not be on this forum at work

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thanks for your reply.

Yes I know I was inconsistent.

But the only reason I broke NC was because of her situation, so I had to be there for her. No girl should ever be in that situation, and it would be extremely rude of me not to be there.

I'm planning on doing LC.

 

I can understand that but I thought that as you had made plans to meet up in a couple of weeks it didn't seem like a good idea to then ignore her. You don't have to engage in a lengthy conversation of course, just be courteous.

 

Hopefully you will be able to tell more how she feels when you meet up with her. If nothing comes of it then I think you need to make your wishes and desires perfectly clear to her. You also sound as if you need your space from her in the meantime, so tell her that too. It might do you both some good. Have you noticed how much more she misses you when you are in NC?

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Yes I have noticed she misses me during NC.

 

Maybe why I ignored her? I'm not sure, but I hope I'm not that immature.

 

I'll give her a call sometime in that case and do LC. Any other tips? Anything really. I've never wanted to get a girl back.

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Yes I have noticed she misses me during NC.

 

Maybe why I ignored her? I'm not sure, but I hope I'm not that immature.

 

I'll give her a call sometime in that case and do LC. Any other tips? Anything really. I've never wanted to get a girl back.

 

Its not being immature ... its an instinct. When it comes to love we don't always think logically.

 

I do believe that NC is a win-win situation, as is often said on here, but I think as you have a date planned you need to keep up contact tell then. Only after this date can you be sure what next step you want to take.

 

After this, and of course depending on what happens, you could go into NC and in your situation I would make it clear why. If she contacts you, however, I would respond. If you want to get back with her you want to keep all lines of communciation open but keep your response short yet polite. Its best not to talk too much about the relationship or your feelings. You don't want to push her any further away and as you know yourself the pleading and begging doesn't work. Remember she needs time and space to be able to work out what she really wants.

 

As regards O, all you can do is ask. I think you will know more about the situation, where you want things to go and what you want to do after the date.

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Yes I could ask. But I don't want to.

Like I want to know, but not because I'm jealous but so I can figure out what I should do.

 

Me and her had some issues with me being jealous (granted the guys i was jealous of, one sexually assaulted her and one is O). And this time I have been working on it and I'm not actually jealous.

 

He is doing what any guy is, and she has a crush. Even in a relatioship, people get crushes. I'm guilty, I just didn't act on it.

 

So if I ask, she'll think I'm jealous and it'll make her mad.

 

Today was bad. I've been doing fine, not having her the focal point of my thoughts. But tonight my band had a show and she's all i thought about and I was really down. Don't know why.

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