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I think i might want to try again


Mos222

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So, I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago and it was really ugly. I did break up with him for a reason but since then I have been wholly regretting it and feeling all around stupid for not trying to work it out. Lately Ive been thinking that maybe I missed out on the love of my life, "the one" and I dont even care about our rather trivial problems we had anymore, I just miss being happy with him. He was my longest and best relationship (until near the end, of course). We have been exchanging emails for a couple months just talking about the stuff I never allowed us to talk about during the break up.

 

We have learned a lot about eachother due to this and I feel we have a greater understanding of eachother (maybe even appreciation) now. The problem is, we are now both with other ppl. Last month it got pretty emotional and we both considered leaving our respective bf/gf and giving eachother another chance. Well, as usual I panicked and decided it would be a bad idea. I hate to say it, but I think I just wanted to know that he didnt love his gf....and he didnt. I admit i was acting selfish and childish.

 

Ive talked about my current bf in another post and the more he doesnt talk to me, the more Im convinced I dont belong in his life. He might be a more stable bet in the long run but I have a feeling I would just end up being his doormat. Ive only been with him a few months and we havent really done or planned much together and I feel leaving him would be a convenience for both of us.

 

That being said, I think I truley still love my ex. But after I "screwed him over" a second time (his words) he said he was done with me, and that i no longer had a chance with him. I have been thinking a lot lately and I have sort of spiraled into a depression due to these circumstance as well as having been laid off recently and still living with my parents etc...I realize I have been very selfish in all that Ive done and that I need to start acting like an adult.

 

I had a present for him i made around christmas that I intended to give to him because we were in a brief period of friendship, and last night I finally decided to wrap it up and drop it off at his house, along with a note explaining my behaviors and that I still love him but now I just want him to be happy. His gf knows about me and the fact he has been having trouble forgetting about me but I want my new goal now to be his happiness, and I expressed that I didnt want to jeopardize what he has with her anymore. I said in the note that if the present was innappropriate feel free to get rid of it somehow.

 

Later in the night (early this morning) he sent me an email explaining that he doesnt know what the future holds for us but he doesnt mind the idea of us getting back together sometime down the line. He just doesnt think it will be for a while, since he doesnt know where things will lead with his current gf. I told him im not sure I want to wait around only to find out eventually that he loves her.

 

Deep down I do want to be with him, for the rest of my life. If I ever got him back again I would never let him go...but now after the way Ive played with his emotions - deliberatly or not - I feel I dont deserve him anymore.

 

Anyway, I just wanted someone to listen...I dont really have any friends that can relate and I so desperately need someone to.

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I hardly even remember why we broke up now, but there was a lack a communication. There were little things in the relationship I was uncomfortable about that just built up and were never resolved. We both were going through our own problems at the time, and he has told me that before the break up he was actually thinking of breaking up with me, and once I started the dumping he changed his mind and didnt want it to end.

 

As I said, it wasnt until the past month or two that we have actually started talking about what went wrong and now we know....we just didnt trust eachother enough and didnt know how to express ourselves. Now with communication being wide open I feel we can be pretty solid if we ever got back together.

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Well, I can't tell you what to do (especially with as drastic as my suggestion is going to be) but if I were in your shoes, I might dump the current b/f and then talk to the ex again. It's a risk, sure, cause if the ex doesn't take you back then you're alone, but you talk about your ex being the person you truly believe you wanna be with for the rest of your life. Guess you would have to weigh out these risks on your own scales, but if the reward is as high as you make it out to be, it might be worth the risk. Just some food for thought, but if I were your ex that would go a LONG way to proving how you feel.

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Well, I can't tell you what to do (especially with as drastic as my suggestion is going to be) but if I were in your shoes, I might dump the current b/f and then talk to the ex again. It's a risk, sure, cause if the ex doesn't take you back then you're alone, but you talk about your ex being the person you truly believe you wanna be with for the rest of your life. Guess you would have to weigh out these risks on your own scales, but if the reward is as high as you make it out to be, it might be worth the risk. Just some food for thought, but if I were your ex that would go a LONG way to proving how you feel.

 

I think you are right. I think the biggest problem Ive had is the idea of breaking up with a good person....again....in a period of a few months. I just dont know how I would do it. my current bf has already told me he will give me an in or an out, which tells me he is comfortable if i choose to leave. I would still feel like Id be letting him down though. In the beginning he said he hoped hed be my last and best relationship, but then I know now that he said a lot of things he didnt mean in the beginning; he was only infatuated with me. Its either that, or Im coming to certain conclusions to justify leaving him. A few weeks ago I was too willing and ready to move in with him and spend the rest of my life with him, but Im starting to think Id be doing it for all the wrong reasons. Seems like every time I try to do something for MYSELF it ends up biting me in the ass and making me look like the heartless b***h.

 

I would think if he did love his current gf he would know it, and not be entertaining ideas with you.

 

Maybe you should take a leap of faith if you feel this is someone you can be happy the rest of your life with.

 

I think that is the case, but I dont want to be the one to say it to him, Ive already meddled enough. Hopefully he will realize it on his own.

I think I am finally ready to take that leap of faith. I have been so wishy-washy about being with my ex again but more and more lately my whole body and soul has been aching with grief over losing him. If thats not my heart telling me what the right choice is, i dont know what.

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Well, I guess I once again have no choice....He doesnt want me to wait for him, and he wants to give his current gf "a try....shes nice". Unless they have a falling out he expects to remain with her. Clearly he has moved on, I suppose I should do the same. Feeling pretty low right now...

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At the same time he says not to lose hope for us. I asked him that I wish I could understand why I should have hope when he doesnt plan on leaving his gf. Then he calls me pessimistic. He is gone forever...it feels like a huge part of me has died. He says he cares about me and wishes the best for me...and when I tell him what im struggling with in life right now he doesnt have much to say about it.

 

I told him I hung out with a good (male) friend of mine last night and he assumed we are dating and having sex, and hopes that "he doesnt screw me over like the last guy did"..Im not even dating my friend =( and Im still technically with the "last guy". He assumed Im jumping from guy to guy now and it didnt affect him at all.

 

Ive been clear he is the only one i want to be with, the only one I can see myself having a life with...and he tells me not to bother waiting around. I would for him. he just doesnt want it. i feel dead inside.

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