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I can't believe I'm the "dumper" this time even though B and I only dated for a few weeks. I have to say, it doesn't hurt much less than being a dumpee, except that I didn't know B as long as my 7-year ex fiancee and I wasn't in love with B. Other than that, I feel so much pain this morning as I think about his bubbly self opening up my email, expecting a nice letter and getting essentially dumped.

 

It's weird too...I have dated lightly in the year since my ex left me, although I wasn't emotionally ready. I tried online dating, met someone at my dad's girlfriend's party, and just kinda took things casual...but this is the first person I've developed some degree of real feelings for after L, even though there are things about B that drive me nuts.

 

I just keep envisoning his sweet, happy-go-lucky self feeling crushed and depressed and it makes me want to cry. Not to say I'm so wonderful. It's more like I just feel he had hopes for us, was already talking about marriage and seemed to get attached to me quickly. We really talked about personal things that we've only ever told our exes, so I feel we bonded...and it hurts to lose something like that.

 

It just sucks, because sometimes I think dumpers do care about their partners and even still feel somewhat attracted to them, but for whatever reasons, they can't see a future together because of some pattern in the other person's lifestyle/personality. I mean, if B changed some of his habits, he would be a really great partner, but I can't ask him to change. Someday he might change on his own and I will feel remorseful because he will be ideal. But I can't wait for potential. I do this so often. I see the good in people and want to make them even better.

 

The guys I fall for actually ARE good guys...but there is usually something immature or undeveloped about them. They have good values, etc., but there is always something unhealthy there. I think I fall for "boyishness" and a sense of passion that I don't find in a lot of men my age. They are either too immature or too settled and work-a-holics. I wish I could find someone mature but with a boyish spirit. That would be so ideal. But I know people aren't perfect.

 

I just can't shake this hurt I am feeling. I have never felt this way, ever. I have been the dumpee in my long term relationships, but I have been a dumper in short term dating situations and I have to say I haven't regretted being the dumper too much until now.

 

So just keep in mind that a person can still care deeply for you and still even be attracted to you on some level, but there is something keeping them from fully commiting to you. I'm not saying this is true in all cases, but this situation has opened my eyes a lot.

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I think alot of dumpees claim that the dumpers don't care about the ending of a relationship.

 

I've been the dumper in two LTRs and it was very rough for me, and took me months to recover from each of them. Probably even longer than the girls involved to be honest.

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Did you tell him what things were those that drove you nuts? I mean, why don't you give the guy the chance to actually work on himself, maybe he would like to change if he knew what to change. It is quite hard to analyze oneself and figure out what you are wrong at, and what is wrong with ourselves. We know somethings that are wrong, and are completely oblivious to others. I think you should at least let him know which of those habits made you change your mind about him, so that if in the future he wants to change them he will know what to change.

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I know how you're feeling, WW. I was the dumper, once, and it was awful. I really DID care for the guy, but I knew that we were not a lifelong match. He was ready to marry me when we were 19 or 20, but I knew we both had a lot of growing up to do. I loved him, but I realized that I loved him more like a brother or friend. I simply could not see myself with him forever. It was the right decision, and I have never regretted it, but I knew he would be really, really hurt, and he was. It was the worst feeling in the world. In fact, it took me a long time to even break up with him because not only did I want to be sure of my decision, but I was also devastated at the thought of hurting him. He was/is such a sensitive person.

 

He was crushed, and as I predicted, I felt terrible. As time went on, that feeling subsided. We lost touch for a long time -- over a decade -- until he contacted me again in 2008. He's married now, and happy, which makes me happy. He and I exchange e-mails, and we've talked on the phone occasionally. He actually told me that he didn't harbor any ill-will toward me for breaking up with him, that he knew that it was something that had to happen.

 

I concur with your statement that someone CAN really care about you -- even love you -- and not be able to make a commitment. And, not all dumpers are cavalier about breaking up. I know I was tormented by thoughts of breaking up with this particular ex -- I couldn't eat, lost sleep, etc. -- NOT because I wanted to be with him, but because I was very, very concerned about his feelings.

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Did you tell him what things were those that drove you nuts? I mean' date=' why don't you give the guy the chance to actually work on himself, maybe he would like to change if he knew what to change. It is quite hard to analyze oneself and figure out what you are wrong at, and what is wrong with ourselves. We know somethings that are wrong, and are completely oblivious to others. I think you should at least let him know which of those habits made you change your mind about him, so that if in the future he wants to change them he will know what to change.[/quote']

 

I'd love to sit down and talk to him about my concerns, but he is very sensitive. If I could tell him in a nice way that his hygiene and the way he takes care of his health is horrible, I would...and will...but so far I haven't found a good way to say it. For me, it's a pattern. If he just forgot to brush his teeth one night, it would be one thing...but he seems to have a pattern of neglecting his health. He also has a medical problem that he seems to have no plans to address. He doesn't take it seriously. I can deal with the medical problem, but he has to actually be willing to work on resolving it. I mean, why continue to drink soda if you have Diabetes and have had Diabetes since you were a kid? He has been hospitalized. Still, he continues to neglect his health. I can't see myself long-term with a man with such little self-respect. But when it comes to other people, he is giving and loving. I have talked to him once about how I need someone who takes care of himself, but he said he will try to eat better. It goes beyond that though. He stayed home from work because he had a minor issue. I just don't know if I can trust his judgment.

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Hey there again

 

Thanks for this. I need stories like this to give me perspective. I'm glad it turned out OK and that your ex is now happy. I'm sure B will find someone appropriate for him and be happy one day too and this is just a temporary thing. I just have to have faith

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Seems like we feel this way mostly in situations where the one being dumped didn't do anything wrong. Say when the two people have a great relationship but one person thinks they're too young to be in a serious LTR so they leave this wonderful, caring person who did nothing but love them in the cold.

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Seems like we feel this way mostly in situations where the one being dumped didn't do anything wrong. Say when the two people have a great relationship but one person thinks they're too young to be in a serious LTR so they leave this wonderful, caring person who did nothing but love them in the cold.

 

Well...sometimes a person doesn't do anything wrong...but the person is wrong for you, if that makes sense. It's not that this guy is completely wonderful or I wouldn't have let him go...it's that I wish he was good for me, but he's not because of the issues he is not addressing in himself. If we had been together a long time, it might be different, but we're just getting to know one another, and as many people have pointed out, I should not feel so unhappy with his habits this early on. I don't want to think I am leaving him in the cold. That makes me feel bad. He *is* a wonderful caring person in a sense, but not really, because how much can he care if he takes such poor care of himself and does not realize that it is affecting other people?

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In my first r'ship (first love of my life) I was the dumper then became the dumpee when she pulled back. I begged and cried but she didnt take me back. I felt guilty for it falling apart.

 

My second r'ship, I pulled back but didnt breakup. She saw the writing on the wall and called it quits. I hardly ever think about her but feel guilty every now and then for causing pain (if any).

 

My 3rd r'ship - my current predicament - I have been dumped and I feel sad.

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The pain can be acute for a dumper, but it doesn't last nearly as long as the pain for the dumpee. I'n most circumstances, in my humble opinion, there really is no comparison between the months and years of torment that a dumpee goes through, and the weeks of guilt that dumper experiences.

 

Of course, your relationship with this guy was short, so hopefully he won't suffer for months and years!

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I can relate to what you are saying to an extent. Ending a relationship can be emotionally charged and these emotions can cause the dumper to feel a sense of pain ... but I don't think it is quite the same pain or as intense as the pain you feel as the dumpee.

 

I met someone 6 months after my marriage ended and I had reservations about the relationship for numerous reasons. Like you, he wasn't completely the person I thought I needed. Eventually I suggested we cool things down, that perhaps we could still see each other but it was too soon for me to get serious again. I remember feeling his pain when he told me how hurt he was. He agreed because he liked me too much to lose me completely. He said we could carrying on seeing each other and do our own thing. All I could think about afterwards was him and how he was hurting and it tore me apart. However I soon realised that the thought of him doing "his own thing" was tearing me apart too. I realised then how much I really liked him. We ended up in a full-on relationship again. However he couldn't quite get over how I had been in the beginning and eventually HE ended things. Now that REALLY hurt and is the reason I found eNA.

 

Perhaps, you too, like this man more than you realise. Perhaps you should stop looking for your Mr Perfect and maybe you will see that your Mr Right is right under your nose!

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I am also a very sensitive and caring guy (only with serious partners, day to day I am "macho"), but I value sincerity and honesty over everything else. I would be much more hurt if I had no idea why I was being dumped, than knowing the reasons and having a chance to work on them so that in the future I don't get dumped again... and get extremely confused as to what the heck is going on. Maybe find a way to lay these out to him. But then again, if you are already on NC, then no point, it will just prolong pain etc.

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I think the dumpers have feelings too. I am a dumpee but I wasn't happy and so I almost persuaded him to dump me. He was being negative towards me, I was miserable and it got to the point where one of us had to end it. I wanted to because I was unhappy because he wasn't happy with me.... yet I was happy with him. I suggested we had a break and then he dumped me so I suppose it was a joint thing really. However I really feel like the dumpee. Apparently he was in tears though.

 

He ended things because there 'was something not right' I hope you did your best to explain what it was that was wrong. My ex didn't and it led to a lot of confusion and pain on my part. I am still angry at him, what a coward not explaining anything. One day everything is fine then suddenly 'things don't feel right'.

 

I'm sure I will realize that he did me a favour in future.

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He wrote me back to tell me it's ok and that I ought not spend time analyzing it, just focus on my life, and that he'd see me in church.

 

For some reason, I have to admit I am disappointed. Why doesn't he want to know more about what made me want to stop dating? Is it just some people's personality?

 

Personally, I want to know every detail if someone wants to dump me. I actually give my ex credit for telling me the things he didn't like about me (but not durnig the break up itself). If he hadn't pointed some things out to me about myself, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I almost wish B would ask me what it is that is contributing to my decision.

 

I guess some people don't want to hear it. OK....

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*face palms*

 

You are too much WW, lol. Now you are disappointed with the way he took the news?!

 

Just let it go and move on, you'll be happier in the long run.

 

Hey there!

 

I guess I'm a rescuer. I like to help people (hence, why I becamer a teacher, I guess). I like to be near people who are learning and growing and changing and it seems like it would be so easy for him to just make those adjustments in his life, especially since he's Christian and very interested in being a disciple of God and living righteously (so he says). We even had a date to sit and go through Bible passages and discuss them. I thought it was a wonderful idea. We are also accountability partners and encourage each other to do the right thing...it's just that he's so sensitive. If someone corrects me in a loving way, I don't mind because that's my nature. But if someone tries to correct him, he doesn't want to hear it. It frustrates me, I guess. I only want to point things out for his own good, at this point, so he can realize what is holding him back. It took me a year to appreciate what my ex fiancee did by telling me things he didn't like about me. That was a risk on his part and I did get mad. I just wish someone else would be so candid with me and tell me what is up. So few people are frank anymore with good intentions.

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