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I don't think I can do it anymore...


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It's 2 AM and I have school tomorrow but can't sleep. I just got up from laying on the couch staring into space for an hour feeling like complete crap. I can't keep living this life anymore.

 

Everything that can go wrong in my life does. My dad abandoned me when I was a baby and doesn't pay child support so I'm poor. My mom treats me like dirt, and only wants to move on with her new husband and son. That's fine, I don't need her.

 

I've never had any friends, partly because I'm poor and can't afford nice clothes to look good and partly because I have a shy personality. Nobody made an effort to respond back to me even when I tried to open up and make friends. Fine, I don't need them.

 

My childhood used to be good. Then my grandpop who I was closed to died, and my grandmom stopped visiting (or even calling) me. Then my two cats who I think were the only things I loved in this world died, all because my mom refused to get them medicine. My brother sexually molested me when I was younger, and I've never told anyone because he threatened me if I did.

 

I felt this way years and years ago too, but I came through it on my own without help from anybody else because I figured life could not stay bad and things would get better. I was wrong. My life is cursed. It's been just as bad as it has always been. I should've done the act then and saved myself years of extra misery.

 

I can't believe in God anymore. I believed in him with all my heart and prayed to him twice a day all the time to forgive me for sins I committed and to please stop the unending pain, but he didn't. 6 years. 6 years of unending pain. I cannot accept he exists any longer. If he does, he is definitely not the kind, loving God that we read about, but is actually spiteful and vicious and tortures innocent people for fun. 6 years of unending pain is not a "test of my faith", it is a death sentence.

 

And on top of all that I'm gay. Because for almost an entire decade I've been deprived of any kind of affection I've always wanted a relationship with someone, but that's not even possible in this crappy town and homophobic world.

 

I've come to the conclusion that my life is destined to fail. It has to be fate. No matter how strong I try to be my resolve ends up crushed into tiny pieces by new **** heaped onto all the old. I have absolutely nothing to fall back on, absolutely nothing. Not family, not friends, not religion, not a significant other, not money...nothing. Is there a state in the US that offers voluntary euthanasia? And please don't tell me things will get better because they won't...I've already experienced that first hand. And nobody will miss me. Absolutely nobody. No I'm not exaggerating. If anything my mom and stepdad will be happier because that's a burden lifted off their shoulders. Nobody at school would notice I was gone. I believe there's a time when suicide is the logical choice and I believe now is that time for me.

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At the rate you are healing there won't be a great number of miserable years in your future. A great deal changes when you get out on your own and finish school. You will gain so much control over your own life and you will be able to do as you wish.

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At least in the latter case, you'd have a chance that your life would improve. Seeing what you're coming from, that is not easy. You have lived through things that very few people have to bear. What stands out is not these things, but the fact that you lived through. Now this was merely surviving probably, but I think that with the help of counseling, you could find ways to start living.

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Telling you that i know what you are going through is not going to make you feel better. I went through this too that is why I know that no amount of advice will make it easier for you to stop thinking of ways to end your life.

 

Let me tell you this. It all starts with you!! We people are so used to thinking negative thought that we refuse to see the positive things, and I know your sitting there saying, oh what positive things? Well for one you are poor but not starving, you have clothes and you have your life, the most valuable thing that you have is your faith!

 

I am a christian and I know how it feels to hate God, I think I still do but this is what the devil wants from us! But i'm not going to go into this because you have to decide for yourself!

 

No one can make you feel better except you yourself. You have to learn how to shift your negative thought to positive ones. This will not be easy but think of it this way, nothing worth while is ever easy!

 

The more you think about this the more it will make sense to you.

I created my own advice book where I write positive things when I feel good and when I feel down then I read the book and it makes me fell better. I know the book by heart by the way because I feel down alot! haha!!!!!

 

Anyway, I'm starting to believe the positive thing!

Everyday the sun comes out and we have a new day, it's easy to feel sad but hard when you pick up your chin and smile! Look everyone in the face and say ***** you! I'm alive and I will enjoy today and have fun!!!

 

Trust me i think most of the people here knows what it means to feel deppressed. I can beg you to not take your own life but this is your decision.

 

Start to think positive thoughts and see what happens, i mean what do you have to lose?

 

Best of luck!!

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Hey there, Matt.

 

Let me first say how truly sorry I am that you've gotten the crappy hand of cards you have right now. It's not fair, and it sucks. And you have every right to be angry and hurt and just... exhausted. You do.

 

Oh gosh, where are my manners? Please let me introduce myself. My name is Brian. This is me right here. I think it helps that you see me. You can look into those eyes and believe me when I tell you that you aren't alone.

 

image removed

 

I know it might seem like an odd choice of photo for a suicide thread, but it's not really. I want you to look at him. At me. The person in this photograph is smiling. He's happy. He's playful and excited about life. Unfortunately, I went through a good two decades of pain, fear and anger culminating in two suicide attempts before I found him. Before I could really find myself. Anyone who knew me from those times would never have said I was unhappy because I became a master thespian. I had everyone so thoroughly fooled.

 

But I was miserable. I was born in a tiny rustbelt town in Ohio to well-meaning, loving, but severely messed up parents. I grew up never quite being able to understand people around me, always feeling a half-step off, and then when I started understanding I was having feelings for guys, I still didn't quite understand then, but I knew very acutely that being different was dangerous. So I gave everyone the person they wanted from me.

 

I was a straight A student, involved in sports and after school activities, plays, student government, but for me, it was just a means to an end. A way out of that horrible town and the best possible place for me to hide. Hiding in plain sight wrapped in good deeds and academic prosperity.

 

But that bubble burst when I got to college on a near full-scholarship and I found that I couldn't act anymore. I couldn't spend the energy and deal with the loneliness of being one thing and living another. But I felt I would be letting everyone down if I was honest about who and what I was, so rather than come out, I basically, again, tried to give everyone what they wanted. If I died, then I could give my parents the son they thought they always had, and I could finally know a moment's peace. And so I made my attempt and it was damn near successful. If my friends hadn't caught on to what I was doing and rushed me to the hospital, I would have died from alcohol poisoning.

 

It was the first time suicide seemed like the only viable option in my life, and unfortunately, it wouldn't be the last. But I'm telling you now, Matt. I'm 30 years old and I want you to LOOK at my picture. I found a way to be happy. I found a way to make my life one worth living. And I did this on my own, with finding great people to include in my life, and still dealing with being gay, having Asperger's Syndrome and junkie parents.

 

It's not easy. A lot of the time it sucks but how you feel now and where you are in your life.... you can't even comprehend what your life will feel like and look like a year from now, five years, ten years...

 

I thank the universe every day that my suicide attempts were unsuccessful. I would have missed out on the best part of my life: making it wonderful. Building a life I was proud of. Being a person I could be proud of. Being a person who could wake up and inhale and be excited for whatever might happen that day.

 

You're not alone, Matt. Never. Even when you think you are. We're out here. And we're fighting the good fight for ourselves, and hopefully, as inspiration that it's a fight worth your time too.

 

Again, I'm Brian and I encourage you to PM me. Please don't hurt yourself as so many others have hurt you. It's time to start loving yourself. And if there's anything I or anyone here at ENA can do for you, we'll do it.

 

You're a keeper too, Matt. I promise.

Edited by hexaemeron
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I can honestly say I don't think i can do it anymore either. I can't take the pain of life anymore. I know your pain. Honest. TRUST ME. People I know how painful you have it, I want to die now but I cant and im going insane. I know how much pain everyone of you are in. Because i experience it myself, 24/7. Why am i born. why me...

 

theres a suicide note that says "And so I leave this world, where the heart must either break or turn to lead."

 

awake 49 hours and have excruciating physical pain everywhere 'cause of it. slept 27 hr.

 

there are people who have it worse than you. i, for a fact, have to endure excruciating physical pain my entire life. feels like being tortured. so if you think your life is bad, you should try mine. altho your life is complete crap too. I thought suicide wouldn't be a problem. I thought life wouldnt be this bad. But i was wrong. Life knocks me down on the asphalt and then beats me again and again while im lying there. Suicide is such a big problem for me, in fact, that i will never even do it. the big problem then is that there is no way out. is god joking or something? why does he torture us innocent people by forcing us through unbearable, torturing lives?

Edited by bugbug
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My father lost his father when he was 17 with a brain stroke, her mother worked to sell milk that she taked from cows, they were 6 sons in total always fighting each other because there was no money.

 

They started to invest in the future by studing and working at the same time.

My father and one brother succeded to worked in a bank, one sister is a gym teacher, the other is a primary school teacher and so on.

 

The fact of family is disfunctional doesn´t mean your life is not worth living. My fathers life is an example and he is happy about it altough he still have issues with his brothers.

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  • 9 years later...

Well, nearly ten years later and I'm still alive somehow. If someone told me that a decade ago I'd have laughed in their face. I would've thought it was a miracle to make it to high school graduation, let alone to age 26. A few updates:

 

1) My family is still horrific and distant, but I'm 26 (I was 16 when I wrote this) so it's somewhat easier to deal with. My brother who molested me has gotten a life sentence in prison for attempted murder of his ex-wife, among other charges.

 

2) I have a few friends now at least.

 

3) I'm still extremely poor and destitute which sucks even worse as an adult.

 

4) Amusingly enough, the world has changed a lot in the 2010s regarding societal acceptance of homosexuality, so if anything being gay has transitioned from a curse into a blessing for multiple reasons which I won't elaborate on here.

 

5) I'm still struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. I had a full fledged suicide attempt for the first time back in July, barely failed, and woke up in the ICU a few days later. I was in septic shock with heart failure and respiratory failure but still managed to make a full recovery. The doctors all said it was a miracle I survived. "Lucky" me!

 

Overall, life has been a mixed bag. There's been a lot of extremely horrific times full of nothing but hellish suffering where I wished I just did the deed years ago and spared myself the misery. I was/am very resentful toward the "it gets better" attitude when nothing in life is guaranteed. But I have had many good times as well. I've traveled to cool and interesting places and met some amazing people, including my soulmate from Texas who I met over the internet! I still remember when we first met in person and he was glistening in the scorching Texas heat. Fun times. Overall, I'd say I'm glad I lived as long as I did, but I still believe suicide can be a rational/logical choice, and back in July during my attempt I truly felt it was my best option. I haven't really deviated from that conclusion, but I'm putting my plans on hold at least on a short term basis for logistical reasons, and will do a re-evaluation later on.

 

Anyway, I randomly remembered posting on this forum a decade ago and managed to find my old account (and even remembered my password somehow!) and I figure most suicidal people just drop off the face of the map within a few days, just as I did back then, and nobody ever really knows what happened to them or whether or not they lived or died. So I thought it'd be interesting and a change of pace to give a decade later update. And even if nobody cares, it was interesting to me at least. :)

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