my bumpy journey-help me

[starrrr]

But also be careful not to make myself miserable with this!

 

Its all about moving forward, with the past in mind through reflections, before moving on forward to have a more open mind about it all...

 

And i need more structure possibly of where my future will go after college, though its good i'm not aiming for perfection so i won't drive myself crazy, it's always good to practice practice, work hard, to hone myself and the task becomes fun..and do this to everything?

 

Am i able to do that? How do others seem to be able to be everywhere...whats goin on!

 

But i guess my worries are coming through about life after college, but then i know to that its kinda pointless, because i Have time to think about it till i graduate.

 

OH CONSCIOUSNESS is great...because its malleable when wrong and ever so powerful.

[starrrr]

I haven't made the time to write him back to his last letter..i've been real busy with school and all...trying to stay on top of things.

 

I've been meaning to but it keeps getting pushed back. I had made attempts already but those letters were just bad! I must reply because of his bad news, and I truly feel for him and want/need to tell him...

 

Mainly to not myself look bad? Thats selfish..

 

He said he never wrote me before because he didn't have the time is what he said. But did he also mean that he didn't know what to say? Like now how i'm putting it off because i really don't know what to say! So I can't judge at all his behaviors. And I can't also jump to any conclusions. We just gotta take what people tell us sometimes. Listen to what they say and not saying. I told him I understood..in ways I do, but also my hurt was communicated through my letter to him as he picked it up, but as anger towards him. When really i guess its just hurt by what his actions meant to me...when I thought he "loved" me, his actions did not communicate it at all.

 

And all this he's doing now I don't understand but just see as he needs closure, like he needs to know that I'm okay so he won't feel so bad any more?

 

But he don't need that, and its kinda insulting for the hurt party...like saying "so you get it, right?" "why things turned out the way they did, its not because I'm completely a bad person..."

 

Whatever guilt or whatever he feels, i don't really get, he needs to resolve himself by forgiving himself...and not trying to get my forgiveness.

 

Things still hurt me about what happened to us...sure there's explanations...goodness i need to resolve this.

 

I forgive myself for my past actions, and I forgive him! Means i won't let it hurt me anymore!

 

Yeah okay. I feel better already. Forgive forgive forgive! to live live live!

 

I've learned from all this to stand up for myself, to stand up to peoples behaviors that are socially unacceptable right then and there. To not let people wrong you and get away with it! To not try so hard to make people like me that I don't line any healthy boundaries!

 

And most importantly, to not concentrate on the hurts I personally feel and be so caught up in it and get blinded by the emotions and feelings I have to the truth, to others point of views, to what they're really saying..to not take things so personally! Something like that..i'm so sleepy. deuces.

[starrrr]

So with SO...

 

Since his last letter, about 3 weeks ago now, I haven't replied. It was the about 4 days before I left for the University (hours away).

 

I have been busy just trying to keep up with school. It's a struggle for me I admit. I feel i'm short in there...but keeping my eye on the ball, that is to just graduate!! But with a goal of graduate with an A, meaning giving it my all. Learn to prioritize, manage time, to think critically and objectively, to learn more information about the world about me and gain more power...what ever that power means...

 

Its hard but thats life. I'm rolling with the punches, and i'm glad for it because i know and feel that it is making me a stronger and better person overall. The push is good, it makes me good, so i feel good. Even when i am the slowest one in the class!! Blah eff what they think!! I'm gettin mine...

 

So back to SO.

 

He's always been in the back of my mind. On my end, i did write a letter but threw it away cuz it sounded so formal and i guess kinda silly. I guess my emotions just can't be denied...I don't get why he's writing now..is he calling out? did he just want some closure? is he being needy now? But is it sellfish on his part to do that? To just show up...but then we always said to each other that we can call on each other anytime....

 

Now i'm getting teary eyed. I'm sad for how things have turned out...

 

I'm sad i wasn't ever able to stand up for myself before. Doing it would have benefited him too.

 

I'm sad I never knew how...

 

I'm sad because I believe we do have love but we have no idea what to do with it...

 

I'm sad because there is something just there that doesn't allow it to be smooth between us. Even as just "friends."

 

I'm sad because I don't know if I can trust him.

 

I'm sad because now i think i may have imagined everything before, and so now i ask what the hell is this then? It scares me to think of how ugly, unhealthy it has been...

 

It's like realizing something about your addiction, you suddenly out of the blue see it for it is, and see the damage it has caused, and now where it will possibly lead you..and just realize how * * * * TY your situation is...

 

It helps to set borders and limits to yourself....since i've come back I haven't contacted him...didn't see a need since I feel he's been too busy for me so i got over it...and said to myself not to be pathetic and easily put myself back in there, being so easily available. I don't want to look like someone who's just "easy" to him...

 

I want people to respect me. I'm done playing dumb using my body to flatter myself. I've got a woman's body, and no * * * * a male would be attracted to it as in would like to have sex with it. That's for every woman! TRUST ME. And not something special about me! How big headed a lil conceited, naive girl i was.

 

Like what was it with the attention i got from men? What like something thats really got to do with my dad or something? THat would be weird to think about it.

 

But i don't know if its any real correlation, but I do have a better relationship with my dad now since i've stopped putting myself out like that, being promiscous. I'm more honest, so that helps. I'm less secretive and not feel guilty putting out this image to him that is not the truth at all. Like he's an idiot and doesn't know!

 

 

So that was a border for myself i set since i've been back.

 

 

And now i'm so sad...because he's told me that one of his close family member has been real hurt...possibly may not make it for long.

 

 

It hurts me..to hear, that...i emphatize with him....

 

Why when he hasn't contacted me for the longest time, just come out and tell me this??!!

 

 

Can someone please tell me.....

 

 

Tell me is this healthy? Because i don't know...i don't think so...maybe for him to have an ear to talk to...because he knows i will sit there and listen fullheartedly, its what i do......but it can't be for me because I can't be pulled back into all that mess....again...This is bad. I'm crying in public. I'm in a computer lab, since i have no laptop...but its pretty empty, the ones here can't see me.

 

I'm crying because i feel hurt...like he's just abandoned me. Given up on me. Didn't make me feel like someone he really cared and loved. Even though he said it.

 

I tried to give him credit for the little small things...but there so small its borderline an insult to me. For example, he answered the few times I was able to call him. Except on his birthday cuz he was busy smoking out with his friends...=/ And thats it i think...

 

No letters...nothing...its okay cuz Nobody else did write me...but then again he was the only one i stayed real close with, but then maybe he didn't know that....i never told him...It was a time i didn't tell anyone anything...

 

So okay...so it leaves with this...that I was too emotionally invested in him. Maybe its part of how i was brought up, my experiences, my culture...that leads me to this...he was someone i connected it personally..and we had good chemistry in bed...

 

GOSH. I'm never doing that again!!! Sleeping around like nothing. Cuz its not nothing! Its something, and its something great..cherish it. Make sure you are in the same page!!

 

Saying that I can't believe I was such an idiot for not making sure of that...but then again we did start of in the same page, and it changed when I left for the University...that has to be a culture thing....school is most important..thats all I've been taught....and so that's why I went...

 

 

But even now, i think that here and now maybe i have a chance to make a better choice, in relationships.

 

So why would I even go back? Or look back? This is what responding back to him brings up to me...

 

And thats also why I haven't written back..lack of time and how i get when i think about it..

 

Its hard because there's a lot of thinking it goes into it....But i know I have to do it.

 

I'll just write him a short and sweet response, out of pure respect.

 

 

And thats it...

 

I feel bad for not yet doing. Gotta suck it up!

 

But this help clear some thoughts.

[starrrr]

I felt bad not having responded yet to his letter, I started thinking what if he was in a real bad situation right now? My worry about him really overwhelmed me and i needed to know how everything was.

 

I finally called him, after confirming with a loved one what i was going to be doing....needed to check in with someone else's opinion on what i planned to do,

 

Yeah.

 

I called, we talked.

 

Fortunately, and i'm glad to say, his loved one that was injured is a lot better than i thought and he portrayed on his last letter!!!

 

It was weird, because we are at such different places now, and i have a new perspective after two years of not talking! I've grown a lil, and i saw what was happening, not anymore in a giggly girly BLIND way, but more objective and really listening to what he is saying and at the same time seeing their implications.

 

He brought up stuff between us.

 

I was trying to avoid.

 

I did get hyped up at one point and now regret it because if he doens't see how i feel about it, then there's just really no use, because he doesn't get it. i feel like he doesn't understand certain feelings...he needs a lot more exploring with that. Im sure it has something to do with his identity with the male gender.

 

He basically, thought of what he can do to fix the "problem" of us not talking anymore, and tried to fix it by apologizing.

 

Now having just typed that, it seems like a logical, reasonable thing to do.

 

But its so a+b=c, it ignores more of the other processes thats going on.

 

I have to forget the hurts i went through for this to work, which though sounds kind of a good thing, at least there is a solution being put out there which means building up, but it falls short. Because it implies going back to how things were, which was not a good way of doing things!

 

* * * * ing each other, and him emotionally part way there, leaves both of us im sure with a hole inside of us.

 

I admit, i still think of him, and how nice it would be, but the holes from the past is what we gotta build up upon.

 

And if he doesn't recognize them, then it leaves me doing it by myself! I might as well than have a relationship with myself then! Thats what i imagine.

 

Before even giving it a chance.

 

I am thinking negative, i admit it. And im sure wouldn't help. So i still have a lot to work on with myself. Thats my conclusion.

 

and by the way, i just went to bed thinking, "im glad they're all okay," as that was my whole purpose and goal from the start, why i called him. All that other stuff, i'm leaving right when i submit this reply.

 

Ahhhhh i forecast it continues!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And i want it, but don't want it.

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE PEOPLE. ITS A POWERFUL THING. GOD IS LOVE, SO YES HE IS MOST POWERFUL.

 

And i stare of into the sky, and this scenery before my eyes, and appreciate.

 

And go back to work.

[starrrr]

I still think of him. I still love him.

 

But it hurts me when I think that I don't think I can trust him though...i have to love myself and I cannot put myself out where he will most likely hurt me again...he has been already...

 

If I give him a chance, I will get tired of keeping such heightened awareness which i feel would be necessary because i feel that he might just fool me...

 

He took a break from us...i feel now so that he can be free of guilt in his head when he wants to get some from other girls...we were long distance...and he will have his needs...and...and.....it wont work..because I believe in no cheating your lover. I'm a one man woman...you gotta get it in the deep for me and that's how I will enjoy it...that is how my easily gets bored part of me gets attention---with the heart, mind, and body all together....if any seperates....than i'm not interested anymore....you have to be whole into it...

 

He made some mistakes that now we can't be together. He needs to know it ain't right to treat people as objects...as toys....can just pick up and play with when you want and then place them away when your bored....

 

I know I had played my role, and that was my mistake to do.

 

Now i'm thinking about crimes...about how its the act that gets judged, not the person....i dont know where i'm going from there...

 

Now i am thinking about giving people chances...

 

Now i'm getting sad.

 

Just reread this post...and I think is it my place to teach anyone "lessons"? I think life will do that on its own...people will get what they deserve.....

 

I have this hope still inside of me that I am wrong about him...I do think of him, and pray, that he will take it to heart his lessons from mistakes...and then when I do that...I think of him..and long for him....

 

Yet i don't reach out.

[starrrr]

Out of sight, out of mind....

 

That's right--I have picked up more pieces of myself now that I have lost.

 

I sacrificed myself in that relationship, and yet...he couldn't fully love me.

 

It's cool...he needs to fully love himself first--we all got to before we can love anyone else....

 

I've observed and none of his recent acts really show any changes would come about....

 

I responded...more out of respect for him as a human being---

 

But i've been wrong for never having really honored him either when I would not tell him how his acts, behaviors affect me, and what I need from him.

 

I need him to be on my level........i'm getting an education in college, i won't hold it against him if he can't afford it but to at least have a passion towards learning something....most importantly bout the world around you..

 

So we can have those to talk about.

 

He's too hood....

 

 

 

So now i've involved myself with someone else....

 

I AM SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I MUST CONFESS......

 

I already had sex with him....

 

First nights together we never did, first night we made out we didn't...no rubber...

 

Next night....we did it anyway! BIG MISTAKE! DON"T EVER DO THAT WHO EVER IS READING THIS UNTIL YOU'RE MARRIED. SERIOUSLY.

 

Wow.

 

I hate myself for it because its so irresponsible.....

 

Physically, emotionally, and mentally....

 

Gosh, he didn't want to....he says i'm not that girl for him that he just want to F***....he resisted my ways...

 

But i guess.....i was careless....

 

How in that moment....i didn't care at all...and just wanted to get that physical NEED to be MET....

 

I feel bad because...i vowed to do it with someone that i really love.....

 

And we've done it way to early, we've moved waayyyy to fast....

 

Now i'm not sure...

 

He's trying to discern my reactions and feelings to it....do i regret it not regret it....

 

I feel bad...why did i do that....

 

I do like him......though....WOW i never thought...

 

But at the same time what turns me off is that he's kind of also a dreamer.....

 

Depends on gigs for jobs...not set job...

 

I mean if he's able to support its cool...

 

OMGEE....i still can't believe it.

 

NOW WHAT?

big question mark......

[starrrr]

I'm so ridiculous i recognize that...that i didn't first fully explore what I felt about him......

 

Now we can't get it back...at all....shame.

[starrrr]

Am i doing this unconsciously...to ruin it before real feelings and emotions start?

 

* * * * it up literally rather than make myself emotionally vulnerable.....which would happen if i would take it slow....

 

Now how do i deal with this?

 

Sweep it under the rug and act like nothing happened?

 

Talk...and say how I do like him, and how i really actually liked how he resists when I put it out there.....

 

I guess that make me want it more...how horrible....

 

OR is this all leftover spills of how emotionally hurt rejected i always got with Mr. S after we would have sex....it was everytime the last times....

 

Like that's all he really wants..that's all they want....

 

It's ruined. and now im sad about it....

 

It's ruined because i feel this "badness"

 

But is it just from old established patterns????

 

I do like him...........

[starrrr]

It's very awkward and I understand why they say you should do this when you are ready...i guess the problem is most people don't think that way....don't think much inwardly and honestly about ourselves...how ready are we really...or our judgements get real clouded with the physical aspects of it being with someone....the sexual drive can overtake our thinking straight abilities..so it takes self control and discipline to avoid these kind of situations. For me, i put myself out there...spending time with him alone and drinking beer together, and coming over to his place where its just the two of us...and getting in bed to "watch a movie" and allowing a kiss to lead to more kisses...and eventually after trying hard NOT to...to actual...you know. sex.

 

Now its awkward I will admit..

 

There's this questioning in the back of my mind that include:

 

1. I want to call him again...and is it to really just hang out with him? OR to because I want to get lucky?

2. So does our chemistry, like how we get along...do we end up "settling" when it could be more because we know it will end with sex anyway?

3. Does he just want to see him just because he gets to have sex with me?

4. Does he think differently of me now? Does he think I am easy? Does he think less of me?

5. Should I call him? Should I text him? Is it too much? Is it too little?

6. Does he think i really like him or not like him?

7. Do i really like him or not like him, or i just like the sex?

 

Those are just what I could think of...

 

I need to know I am accepted as who I am as a person with the one I will be having sex with...

 

That's my ideal....

 

But in reality...i am just human...

 

Or is that just an excuse to expect less from myself...

 

Do i take this "fun in the moment" experience...or continue for the search for that deeper, richer meaning? That I would get when I am having sex with someone who I know truly accepts me for who I am, cares for me, respects me, trusts me...etc.....

 

He's a gentleman, yes. He thinks i'm pretty, yes....but is that it?

 

I just feel like he doesn't really know me....and why would he now that he's gotten in my pants!

 

I mean we can never fully know anyone..but he won't make the same effort anymore?

 

I don't really know.....

 

I just now continue with my own personal growth, my school work business, and continue with what I do..

 

And see if he'll call again...or i'll call him again when I am free...whoever's first and we can make time again to just hang out.

 

And I do just want to hang out...

 

But I feel bad that I gave it away and now I'm going to take it back..........................................

 

But at the same time I can do whatever I want with my body....!!!! yup.

 

So its just a question of will I keep my end......and have self control....

 

or can I really see myself with himm

 

 

ahhhhhhhhhhh..the boy/girl relationship saga, story will always continue.............

[starrrr]

Note to self: I need to change we, our, to ME and I...these are my own actions and thoughts and it doesn't make sense to generalize it, or making a 'us' (as human beings) because then I lose the power to do something about it, or the thought of it at least. Do you understand what i am saying? Because when I make it a "us" thing, I rationalize that we all do it, theres nothing we can do about it.....when there is! How? Why? Because we have the power of choice, is a blessing or a curse? I think the Bible says that God after Adam and Eve ate the forbidden apple of knowledge, then we were also given this complete freedom to decide for ourselves what to do.....we didn't have to listen to what he said full obedience, you can't even call it obedience then because we just did what we were programmed by God to do. But then its confusing because didn't Eve have the choice to listen to the serpent or not? Or the serpent had tricked these "humans" programmed to do what they are told?

 

So now its all up to us...what to do with ourselves...If you have any thoughts on this please feel free to send me a Private Message, I am interested in feedback and sharing of ideas and knowledge.

 

 

Another thought on my specific situation....in our relationship with C now...does real growth get sacrificed because we have had sex? That our fleshly desire and need to be satisfied can override other desires or needs that have potential to create conflict because I am more interested, invested rather on the "sex" rather than actual growth within our relationship together, and our own interrelationship skills......

 

I do believe that....but then what if we do really like each other?? I do think about bringing things up with him..i'm open to talking honestly and open with him...i'm just still figuring it own what than really means to "open up." I've been told I am a reserved person, though quite friendly, I come out as someone who holds back...and so if I don't start "opening up", taking more risks in my life when it comes to personal relationships, I will keep living a life lacking of real substance and meaning.

 

I so desire deep inside for more meaning...a life more than just reading, studying, making grades...impressing parents or anybody else. I really do..there i can be open here but I must also do it out there. Thanks eNotalone for letting me practice at the very least....Little by little right...

 

I want the real me to come out...

 

Ugliness, badness, etc...all of it.

 

Old patterns. I would always be scolded for my "outrageous" behaviors as a young child. Understandable for my parents who had to make do living in a foreign land, away from all those that they've known all their lives.

 

But then I question, why they had to move. And I come around back to capitalism and western democracy....some dangerous ideas out in the world that advances themselves at the expense of others--meaning no thoughts on how it may affect other people........

 

Or at least, the calculated step to do it anyway at the risks of other's potential losses...

 

I'm thinking of "-isms"

[starrrr]

Reading this past posts I see i wrote a lot about C...and that whole having sex with him ruined what we had, which was a friendly relationship...mostly me and him, alone, would just go out to eat, drink beer, catch a movie...we do all these things together when we are both bored, and not doing anything else. It was random times, nothing set.

 

So it was strange, we never saw each other again much after. We got busy, now we're not even in the same time. He would randomly text me to go out with him the next night to catch some show. I couldn't of course. And just got a bday greeting through text message.

 

That's all. I still think about him randomly when i see certain couples, or just when something reminds me of him, and I think of the strangest things about him, I imagine how it would be if we were together.

 

It's strange because I do have these feelings for him of fondness, and a smile does come to my face when I think of our times together, because we do like each other and we so don't know what to do with it, and how I can see my family and friends accepting it, cuz he is respectful and he does use his head, he's observant also...

 

BUT differences between us might be too great---i've learned not all differences can be overcomed when it comes to close personal relationships, as friends, associates, co-workers, acquintances, etc, they really can be as long as we stay respectful, open, and keep our biases and prejudices in check---

 

BUT with close, personal relationships, when you can CHOOSE, i say no. I don't think it would work. It may be some insecurities on my part, but I just can't have someone love me who looks down on me...someone who see's me as less than them, but still like me because I am kind, nice, agreeable, a great listener.....

 

His culture is different from mine---and i think he will think mine is "primitive," i think he has prejudice against it that he can't help...it could be some weird inferiority complex of mine about my own cultural background, and who we are, who my family is, we are poor. That's us. But we just try our hardest to live a right, good, life. We are poor materially in money, but rich in other ways...but money is what is seen right away---it's what leaves impression (i am saying "we" again when really these are my own thoughts, the way that I see things, i am not sure how others see it)

 

Anyways, I admit that i haven't even given him a real chance---these are just premature thoughts based of my own thoughts, and no real actual proof--its just a feeling, an instinct I have.

 

I am not sure how I feel about it, its swaying to no, but who knows

 

All I know is he is not coming after me.....

 

And thats the most important thing at this point, it means we are not even in the same page.

 

I do think traditionally on this, and if a girl shows interest then the dude should pursue, not the other way around because when girls pursue the dude would succumb to a women for the sex and find themselves stuck.....so when a dude pursues, he makes in his heart that this is the girl, every effort he makes ties his heart to her, of course the girl is interested too, but she has the control over the pace of the relationship and she should take her sweet time for you both to make sure it is what you both want, and it takes time to see!!!

 

So this is my last entry on this boy because I consider it dead. We will go back to being friends. This time no spending the night together.

 

Do guys do this to girls who they just consider as a "friend?" Call them to go out with, for a beer, movie, dinner............................

 

Or...ummm...have I just been blind and really been leading him on all this time? I'm his what do you call it.....The show How I Met Your Mother had an episode on this.....now i can't remember. But its that situation when you like someone but somehow tell yourself you don't so you can just "hang out" as friends, you think like this so that they would be comfortable with you, and they hang out with you as an ego booster....i'm forgetting whats its called. Excuse me its almost 4 in the morning my brain low on batteries by now.

 

So to close this off, I had a moment of weakness with him that's all. I don't really like him like that for some reason or another. I mean I am attracted to him, but something else tells me its not right. I think he feels it too. So that's that! The thing is I don't even know what I want, and that is a real problem.

 

I don't know if these things are made by choice, using our head and reasonings, or randomly just happen when they happen, "falling in love"....do I come up with a list of wanted qualities....?

 

Um...yeah. I really need to do that.

 

Or else I'll just keep falling into weird relationships where I have no idea how to handle, where I will be riding the fence if I like them or not...if i do want to be with them or not....and not say yes just cuz I feel I "have" to....

 

Just out of the top of my head:

 

1. Spiritual

2. Hard worker

3. Exposed to different cultures

4. Knows what a real hard time means

5. Is a family man

6. Respectful, loving, caring

7. Commits

8. Passionate

9. Has a great sense of humor

10. Confident but kind

11. Educated

12. Stylish

13. Egalitarian

 

That's all really....

[starrrr]

on another thought I really wanted to jot down:

 

I am aware that I am accepting my lot in my life.

 

It's how the universe spun and MY world is because of where I am situated in the whole scheme of things.

 

My choices lie more in how I choose to REACT to them, how I perform...

 

The thing is I think in the past my problem was not the horrible things that happened, but more how I thought I had control of my life---this thinking led me to feeling mad about myself as if I really chose how my life was through my own acts, and daily choices I made throughout my life, for example for my laziness, carelessness, its like if I was just not being lazy or whatever than my life would be better...

 

That's wrong. It is that I tried to mold a life out of my imagination and OWN vision, out of my own UNDERSTANDING and REASONING----with foresight I now see was severely LIMITED with such a young mind, and young life, with such limited life experiences...growing up under the wings and shelter of my parents, family, loved ones.

 

I was distant from them, or at least I tried to...but an attachment has bound me back to them, I feel like I have just been stretching out into "the world OUT THERE" and just been snapped back in place.

 

I'm just saying that I accept my place. It is not glamorous at all....

 

And its freakin O OKAYy!!

 

Life is good you....if you love you then you love life then all is good.

 

Mumbo jumbo is all that other things you think that exist

[starrrr]

And what is my life now?

 

I am living at home with my parents for the summer.

 

Productive things I do around here is housekeeping and some cooking.

 

But most of the time lately has been just laying around on the couch with my eyes glued to the television.

 

Ramsey is interesting, he has so many shows!

 

I don't have any "good" friends anymore.

 

I feel everyone has not felt sympathy for me for when I was locked up...like it was my fault.

 

I feel this way because I can't understand how no one sent me a single letter while away for 14 months.

 

I was so easily forgotten. Not that surprising if I think about my situation before I left. I had socially isolated for more than a year before it happened.

 

I just did not care anymore very much at that time.

 

And now...I am glad to say that I still have at least my family around to accept me, they are my friends now.

 

Even my best friend still just calls me when she is in crises....that's the only time I seem to hear from her. She has her problems too. The thing is she's more like a sister...we don't see eye to eye, yet our history and past is just what connects us...nothing more.

 

There's no one else that I talk to.

 

I think now how I have brought myself to this place....a life with no real significance.

 

I get afraid, I think too much, i'm a nervous, anxious freak! weirdo.

 

I am trying to find balance between accepting my own uniqueness, yet trying to also relate to everyone else around me, to connect as human beings.

 

I tend to just categorize people, and life situations, and it helps me act accordingly the appropriate "behavior"...

 

I am not free...

 

In the sense that I am limiting myself.

 

So my life is this. I am a bachelors student waiting for my last semester to begin this fall. I am currently living at home with my parents who work all the time, and my younger sister taking summer classes who is a teenager.

 

We live in suburbia. The only place I can walk to is the neighborhood park. I don't have a car.

 

I am overweight, for almost a year now.

 

I'm trying to lose weight, but confess I have not stuck to the plan of eating less.

 

Oh my point in writing all this is that I hope it motivates me to start getting more CREATIVE.

 

I am bored out of my out out here!!! I am so bored that I'd rather see all these happy competing dramatic people on the television than sit through silence of this house.

 

I going to lean on music right now to get me through this next day.

 

I'm gonna clean this next few days because this house is so messy! I am really attracted to the thought that it'll just get messy anyway once i'm gone so what is the point! It would be useless. This thought discourages me from actually cleaning.

 

But maybe at least i'll feel better and be more able to get creative???!!! How the hell do messy people get work done??!

 

SOO I'M NOT GOING TO THINK ABOUT THAT, instead, think I have nothing better to do! Laying around THE WHOLE DAY is not better than getting some cleaning done that will probably get messy again, but at least its WORK that can be appreciated.

 

Will I actually do it?

 

PS SO still passes through my mind, like if I should contact him, but I feel that it's more up to him to do it. I want something more meaningful and lasting, and I don't think he does. If he did he would have shown up at my house. He doesn't live very far. So that is my conclusion and I don't think much after that.

[starrrr]

I am being lazy in every way right now..physically and mentally.

 

I"m not doing anything about my situation because...I am avoiding really thinking about it...and I am just being in LaLALand right now.

 

My favorite place to be.

 

Life is hard. Period.

 

Lalaland is my escape....it use to be weed...at least to make my escape a bit better experience...more fun experience...

 

There's nothing wrong with it, it's just I am still confused about what are other people's expectations of me and what are my own expectataions.

 

I've never really had a voice of my ow before, and I am just finding it...

 

I think I am doing this all on my own..

 

I don't share it with any body really because I think they won't understand...

 

Sometimes I think my brain thisnks way too much that other's don't think like I do so how can they understand...

 

What complicates the matter is that I don't know how to express myself even, so how can they even begin to understand this unique being I call "myself", this unique being of who I am.

 

I seem to confuse what is universal and what is not...

 

What is all ME, and not the same in everyone else....

 

The people I know is so limited that I have to find a way to force this connection....There is not so many people I meet and interact with to clet a relationship blossom naturally with people I just connect with.

 

I am so in tune with other people, I just can't help it.

 

But I tend to get lazy

 

Or at the least, I get distracted easily. My interests peaks in all places and I lose my focus.

 

A mantra that has helped me in the past had been "Follow Through.." Some one told me this while at a game of pool as they noticed I get too excited everytime I hit the ball that I would pick up the end of my stick before the shot was even complete and it would ruin my shots every time.

 

When he told me this, and I kept it in mind, I was able to do so much better! I kept my stick straight and did not swoop it after it immediately hits the cue ball.

 

I say this now whenever I am in some activity.

 

Ah man I am JUST figuring out who I am am still, and I mean that in a sense of getting to know me, not anymore forcing myself to be who what everyone else wants me to be, and doing it blindly...in a robotic completely obedient sort of manner...just being a straight laced lined something...

 

I am who I am yes, but figuring out what the hell I want to do from here is ****ing hard.

 

I am so stressed when I think about the fact that I am about to graduate. I am excited but i feel i've ****ed it up, my school career.

 

Just saying that now, I see that it is a silly thought because I had made it this far...others flunk out, whatever....give up...etc..

 

Its just that I've been fortunate enough finanacially to last....mentally so also, but I just think that I've made it through most of my college career from stamina tat was grown out of FEAR....and not LOVE for what it was that I was doing.

 

I just did it out of flippin fear.

 

Either fear of "failing" and what other people who expect so much from me......

 

I mean yeah we all do this, a lot of us just function in this manner, but I cannot continue so anymore.

 

Sure I don't mind laboring but I need to feel that its FROM ME, not hold it on to others.

 

Now I resent them, I DID resent them, and I don't want to because these people are all I got.

 

I dreamt before of just moving away, and starting over...but inevitably I would just be the same....

 

I am taking accountability for all my own acts in the past that were ugly. Instead of expecting them to have had acted better, treated me better...

 

We can't control people's behaviors, just our reactions to them...

 

STarting over means also having a CLEAN NEW slate.

 

I had that somewhat last year, but not really because coming back from jail in a foreign country after 14 months, without any single sort of letters or attempted phone calls from anyone, except my mother and friend who had by chance went on a vacation there stopped by to visit...

 

And just that experience, dealing with people coming back, just the emotional journey that came after that previous experience of being in that different world, and coming back to this one....

 

It was ironically such an escape being inside...

 

I was anonymous to a point, they didn't know anything about me...they just knew me as who they saw then and there. I spent all those days, everyday, with them inside a room everyday and night.

 

And coming back...was not what I expected.

 

My mother was the only one....who was so loving outwardly physically and emotionally towards me....i believe this is so because she suffered with me so much more than anyone else--financially she did everything she could to get me out.

 

The rest of my family was very...stand offish towards me....I am naturally an affectionate person....

 

I felt it so awkward...

 

And to deal with everyone since then...knowing they are all watching me, my actions, etc.....whenever I saw them...in gatherings..

 

I guess it stressed me out more than I really thought about it then...and I had made decision to let S go finallly....

 

Trying to get back on my own feet also...

 

I can understand now how I did gain all this weight. It all came after coming back here.

 

I'm an "emotional" "stress" eater.. compulsively...and I just didn't notice I was doing it.

 

I just knew it made me feel better to eat and eat and not HAVE to care...

 

I just wanted to not care about something that I enjoyed doing.

 

I've just been crying as I have been typing all this out....it just all came to me...

 

I wanted to talk negatively to myself, and say things like "its all YOUR fault you got fat..."

 

I tend to do this in my own head because my own father would i mean use to always point out the negative things, things i fell short on, ie my grades...

 

I see now that he did that to "push" me to work harder, it was his way of loving me..

 

But I took it different, i just didn't have a mature mind to see what he was doing...I just thought he was just being damn MEAN! and i couldn't say anything cuz he's my dad.

 

And I would just get defensive.

 

Oh man.

 

Okay enough for now. Writing therapy next time again...

[starrrr]

Just want to add, that YES life is hard but the "prize" for it is almost always such an awesome one.

 

That feeling when you do get it done you can't find anywhere else.

 

I tend to whenever I do something act like i've been doing it forever, I mean that whenever I just do something, especially something I don't do all the time, I tend to want to do it "perfectly."

 

I think in my head I know it basically and tend to do those "extra" "extra" stuff....and then it becomes an awkward experience because it doesn't work.

 

IE when cooking, I don't stick to the basics, I want to add all these other "extra" extra things to it that I saw elsewhere that I don't even know their purpose...first I should learn how to perfect the basic at the very least, get why it works and how it works, etc....

 

I do this ALL THE TIME I NOTICE, as it happens, I am usually in an EXCITED state...and get carried away!

 

So...i guess in life I want it that whenever I do anything now it must have a purpose....

[starrrr]

I am sick in the head.

 

I know what would help my current situation but I don't do it.

 

I refuse to.

 

Until I have to.

 

I feel like...I have a load to carry, and I just don't feel like carrying it.

 

Time passes. Isolating myself in this house prevents me from seeing all the motions happening in time...and I wake up each day as if its the same day, doing over yesterday.

 

I am crazy. I'm doing the same thing, procrastinating the necessary changes I need to will myself to do so things will change.

 

I"m depressed, im in that mood again, where I let time fly me through space.

 

I float around, letting my head hang, and my arm over through the open space, just feeling the wind.

 

Just passively letting the wind carry me over through its motion...

 

Its low and slow now, I feel like a ship just gliding by.

 

I see land coming up close, yet I wait till the last minute for its approach till i land myself upon it.

 

I will miss the waters, the airy free flowing glide, as i look back when I begin my hike through unknown paths.

 

A lonely journey await, will be people I meet be safe?

 

I am unprepared, I aim for no greatness, but just to catch a sight of something wonderful along the way.

 

This path I must walk forward, till the day I no longer can.

 

I am indifferent to it all now. I'm not about being "positive" or "cynical" anymore, those are just games, strategies, used to get something we want...

 

Either friends, respect, recognition, a job, money, fun, pleasure, security, etc.

 

But is this what substantiate the path we take?

 

Do we have an inner compass, set on the truth, identifiable through intuition? Is our job, in every moment, to just listen to it?

 

How I think it takes a lot of work to do this each and everyday...

 

The paths laid down are straightforward, no challenge too much to overcome.

 

I may be overweight, not the most knowledgeable, not the quickest, no the prettiest, not the strongest...

 

But there's nothing essentially wrong with me.

 

That is a truth. That i'll follow.

 

I wish to not change my introvert"ness" yet i want to also be spontaneous...

 

i'm going to try this "following the truth" thing.

 

what am i talking about.....

[starrrr]

Just been thinking about this last entry of mine...a sort of stream of consciousness it was. I said that I was crazy. Now that statement seems to be...a word I just use when I lack any better terms at the moment. The better term is not crazy....but I am foolish.

 

When i wrote out the entry I didn't really think about and just wrote what was on my head. But since writing out those words, they've remained with me. It didn't do justice to what my real situation is. I just used words like crazy to make it sound outrageous, and make it less serious than what my situation really is.

 

It's just me practicing trying not to be so serious anymore...its hard to find the balance of being happy, enjoying life, being positive, yet keeping it real, staying in perspective, seeing reality for what it is.

 

i think so damn much, i need to find some other things to study and not my life, because I'll just get lost in it all, and i think we need to keep it simple when it comes to our own lives, our reasoning that is. ANYWAY!

 

My whole point in this new entry is to jot down a statement I heard thats connected to my last entry and that is that "information is not transformation." Its from this psychologist on PBS earlier giving a lecture about his research findings about happiness. I'm smart sure, but am i wise? Most of the time.....no. I'm fooling myself, and i need to stop. Thats all.

 

The game plan? It's simple yet hard to do, it'll have to be to "take action." I confess my energy is so low sometimes, and it takes so much from me when I force myself to do things, that I tend to just give up later. For example, i do a good physical cleaning around the house and later on, i get so tired that interacting with my family members later is such a chore. Most likely it's gonna be a mess around the room and I'll want to clean it, but get depressed because I don't have the energy to do. I'm so....annoyed sometimes, with myself for being annoyed about dumb things. And then I find myself thinking of all these harder things I'll have to do later, and I get myself to feel more tired.

 

I am all over the place right now, its been awhile since I have written in here. Or even in my notebooks. Right now right now, I feel overwhelmed by all the anticipation of upcoming changes in my life. The fall semester is about to start. I am about to move again, live by myself, start school again, meet new people, attempt to make friends, experience new things, etc. A part of me is really still thankful about my life, and that part is happy for me, yet this part of me currently, who thinks that I have just failed in all the things I said I would do this summer, and this part of me who feels so guilty for doing that and for wasting a lot of my time. So there's that critical part of me, and then theres that part of me that who had been wasteful that says "whatever." LOL. It's humorous because of all those attempts I make at being reasonable, there still that stubborn unreasonable part of me...what is its problem? Whats dominant part of me right now is the one that says, "Shiet...get over it!"

 

It's that tough critical voices I have heard all of my life, from my immigrant family who is trying to instill in me toughness to make it in this world. It's my father.

 

Dang...do i not know how to nurture myself? This is when I need to nurture that little stubborn child in me right me...so I can truly get over this, whats going on right now. My tendency is to put unwanted emotions at bay, to shelve them, for the future i don't know, but I don't deal with them..I've just thrown my lessons from counseling from earlier this year out of the window.

 

I'm so childish, foolish, in that sense...I'm not being responsible in emotionally taking care of myself. I need to cuz its getting in the way of all the things I want to ultimately do in life. So i'm stop now...and go to my room...and...just feel. Dang i feel like this is when good friends would be handy right now, but I currently have none. I've lost touch with people, and haven't made attempts to build such relationships. Life is truly hard when lived alone and isolated. I need to remember that too. Now i have to deal with it the best way I can.

 

And thats to take the time to be more conscious...meditating, praying, being alone, and writing are my only tools I can think of right now. Let me go do that now. Part of it was done here right now, i'm just gonna go and finish it. Its funny, when i write out here I think of the audience who might be reading it, and well thinking of you takes more away from tuning in to deep inside of me, it won't make much sense here if I write out my thoughts so openly and honestly, who don't want to read that, i think you want more of the insights more than anything else. Anyway, okay, i'm off. Happy living. Take active part in the process and be continuously transformed.

[starrrr]

I expect instant results but a dig deeper I find ancient answers, time is endless and no act of a human was ever so crucial for the world's spin.

 

It's easy to be dictated by what is immediately before me, but later be as easily lost when I look beyond it when necessary to grow, expand, and move on.

 

Is life mastering all levels, stages of our developments? Is this the meaning of concentrating on ourselves rather than comparing ourselves to others? And we can't judge, but is it okay to make fun though?

 

What is that "goofy" part of ourselves The part that has fun...what fills up our "attitude" when we are not busy concentrating....learning...focusing...on "mastering" something... completing something...I'm trying to break down what we do in our lives and why we do it. And impossible task, so why am i doing this? Too much time on my hands, and i live too much in my mind.

 

Now what were my other thoughts....

 

Happiness and what it is for people, what makes you happy? For me i've realized that this is an important part of my own "health" and "well-being", a strength in all of us, it's like gas for the work we do. And we are lucky when we find things we do are things that do bring us joy. IE for me, i've been able to do more cleaning these past days and not have an awful feeling afterward that I usually get when I think it sucks I have this duty....when I basically have negative statements about it. It's true I don't have to and that it's not something I have chosen to do, its more something that has fallen in my lap to do...I enjoy working, having something to do, but not when it is commanded'demanded for me to do. (note on autonomy/independence/something) So i have been reluctant on doing any real work around this house that is NEEDED...its not my house (my parents, a choice they made to do, but i understand plans don't always work out, and dah dah dah...) (even when i was young, I hated how they bossed me around, I disliked my life, and I ressented them for me, I felt it wasn't my hoice to be born, so why was i even born to do things that I did not even want to do?) (was i trying to make a statement then to them that "look i am your kid and you treat me like an adult/a person in training, i guess i was pretty unhappy like other teenagers out there i suppose) Acts of love were not translated in my young mind with their financial supports and encouragements(obsession) for my education. It was just a tough upbringing, now how can i translate all that into something better? Not necessarily different, but just what is my critique on it and how can it be done better? I need to think this through so I can fully settle my "resentments." Later...i'll let it simmer for a second.

 

But back to the subject of cleaning as "happiness." I just thought of all the positives that can come from it and those would bring joy to my own heart, and so it is something worthwhile doing. And it was....i compromised and told myself to only do it for a certain number of hours, that i don't have to finish it all, but do have a set goal (no incompletes to what I decided)..,

 

The entire house is not done, but I still feel great about the accomplishment of getting what I said I would do done.

 

Now away from the concept of "happiness" (which i'm looking now as momentum, fuel, etc for work, truly necessary for me to do, a responsibility to do especially to keep my "depression" at bay when possible, i don't want it to be gone completely but to not paralyze me anymore, to not allow it to sabotage my plans on living...something like that) and let out that it's just really hit me that quite possibly I was also unhappy then because I tended to life in the future. What i mean by this is that I basked on what my future could bring me, and placed my happniness on that. Which is totally wrong! I never quite "lived in the moment" of my life....i missed out a lot...yeah my happniness was in the future, and I lived in my own world (concentrated on myself too much) working to attain that "future."

 

I see now that our goals in the future, our wants, etc, are just directions we must choose (here is our real autonomy in our lives) and when wet in place for the immediate future to eventually reach our larger goals, we must then let go and just be in the moment---abiding by some rules (our principles) to guide us along the way, on what choices to make, how hard we work, how we treat others around us, how we will handle things we don't like, and what we do like, for all those being hte moemnt means.....

 

Being in the moment, a new concept for me, can you tell...a new CONSCIOUS concept...i'm sure i've done in the past, when i was truly "free" with trusted people around me, now these are things i am finding myself relying on as i'm somehwat starting over....

 

I've made big mistakes, and yeah we should overlook then, but the results also don't go away

 

 

 

 

Now i am frustrated that I have more questions after this musing...I need to tease out some truths from this to make myself better.

 

1. We are solely responsible for our own happiness. For me, personally, its cleaning out the mess and dirtiness that was filling up my family's living space, not because of the cleaning in itself, but for the after effects, relief from other family members, comfort for them, and their own joy from it, a feeling of helping out others, doing something for them, note i didnt do everything but just what I could for the time being) My goal in life is not to have a clean house, it's not even mine, it was something to do while figuring what I want to do, i dream of becoming a professor, maybe?, or a journalist, a lawyer?. but its gonna take on e step at a time, some steps not even quite sure where it will take me?)

2. When around people, we need to be in the moment. I mean that we shouldn't be selfish, and basically value other people, as much as you value yourself. ("treat others as you want to be treated"

 

Ok gotta go, someone's here.

 

Can you help me, do you see any truth in this mumbo jumbo, that would be interesting!, can you share any that comes to mind, please, thanks in advance. Private message away, yeah?

[starrrr]

In my profession I am studying for, they call it "mindfulness".

 

Heres some articles i found on google scholar on it..

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

Honestly i didn't read them, but if you're interested check them out. I will later.

 

I imagine like those with their "hobbies," those who listen to music, go out for the weekend, go outdoors, etc have found what makes them happy. And i think in that sense, that kind of happiness for me remains elusiive. So far my weekends have consisted of nothing really. Being at the apartment by myself. I've been here in this city for a few weeks only, so i'll allow it some time.

 

So as I am thinking what would make me "happy"....would be it spending money?? Having the money to get in a car, drive some place nice to eat, watch a show, order dessert, etc, and not worry about your budget. Would that make me happy? I think so, especially if I get to do it with the people I love. So that's a dream! To have a job that would allow this...

 

This is a poor student's dream. Who has to ride public bus, be on a tight budget, look for free shows, events, have to buy unfitting clothes from the thrift store and having to spend hours to find suitable clothes...lonely.

 

But what has brought me joy, if i really think outside of that "materialistic" sense, that would be having made it to a great university, for the public bus to be running, for parents to help me out when i need it, for thrift stores that have my size in brand names in tops, have trousers that are wearable, and attending church every Sunday, prayer, and blessings God gives when we give our lives to God's Will.

 

I still fight with loneliness. Especially on weekend nights. But church gives me solace, as does the Uni library.

 

My loneliness at night comes so strong that Mr. S comes to my mind. He has been on my mind these past nights, and end up dreaming of him.

 

I miss him so much, truly...but this disillusionment i can't seem to overcome.

 

Did he every really love me? And isn't love from my part at least, since I do believe i love him, be unconditional? What does this mean then? But don't I still have to Love myself, and so protect myself?

 

And also, we were so physically greedy for each others body, did i mistake it then as passion? Did i even really love him or just pitied him? Or so loyal, and stubborn? That i mistook it all as "love"?

 

Honestly, I don't want to see him because I am afraid of myself...of who i was with him. Greedy, and self-gratifying, non-existent self-control. I associate him with all of these, and I don't want to touch that part of me again..i am ashamed of me then, and that is what i associate him with, and so no i don't want to see him.

 

Also, we have great cultural differences....we can barely overcome our disillusionment, how can we then overcome such cultural differences? Can we ever understand one another? This is questions for the long run.

 

I am afraid of seeing him, of opening my shame...and his shame. My shame for opening up so easily to him physically...and all the time...and for him to fall so easily to his passions. For both us...practicing our vices upon one another, making it stronger and stronger...and we dared to fool ourselves calling it "love."

 

We were so proud...

 

To talk to him is to bring back old feelings and these new feelings...to talk to him would bring great emotions for me, that I don't know if I can handle....

 

I have a goal right now...it is to graduate, this means so much to do that I can't let anything get in the way...for example, calling him, engaging with him, and possibly distract me once again.

 

It has before...it will overtake my mind, it will consume me....it shouldn't be too hard........

 

Can we just be so open to one another...

 

I think all these, what does he think?

 

I do wonder, yet resist....maybe this is a "strength" (the resistance) i need and enjoy presenting now, to make up for all those other times I didn't.....

 

BUT i do admit this is an EASY way of being "strong...."

 

Can I open up communications, resolve the resentments, hurts, questions, say the things that need to be said, and all the while through it all, be strong and resist............

 

Resist...what....resist....

 

Resist:

1. Falling for our old habits.

2. Letting thinking about our relationship consume me.

 

I have to fulfill my instinct...but am so afraid.

 

Can i just move on...with a new relationship and forget? Can i?

 

I'm going to text him..............after so long...more than 6 months.

 

I love him, but do i even know how? Does he?

 

Am i just so lonely?

 

Do I call Mr. M instead? I already started a relationship with him, no matter intentionally or not...I got greedy...now there are consequences...i dont know what to do...i wont do it again for sure!!

 

Maybe i don't want to call Mr. S because i feel guilty for having have done what i did with Mr. M....and all those other men....while all the while claiming a love for Mr. S....every one else was just physical and felt lonely...

 

If i text him and we agree to be friends....there's no way I can open up to anyone else...my heart will remain loyal to him...

 

So maybe i need to talk to him, and just make it fair, let him know the reasons why i'm not speaking to him. I really don't want him to think it's him...anymore.

 

What a spiteful heart i can have...resentful...blaming...

 

Understandable his best friend raped me...i also associate that with him now...

 

And how he rejected me afterwards, to look out for himself...i understand...can i forgive? Does he have any remorse? I've never expressed any of this, must I?

 

I want to truly move on....be free of this. What must i do.

 

Confront.

 

I know.

[starrrr]

It has been since earlier this year since we last spoke. And I still think of him. I dreamt of him last night. We got intimate in it. We didn't finish, and we were both fine and satisfied nonetheless. And then, warning, my dream took a really strange bizarre twist. At this time we were just cuddling, and he got up sniffing the air with his nose....and went to the "turds" on the floor. I apparently, took crap on the floor of my home and left them there.....for him to find.

 

I said it was bizarre...

 

So I did this, using my floor as the toilet, and just left them there. I tried to blame it on a nonexistent pet dog...

 

He then proceeded to run out of the room, go outside and tell everyone outside. Our neighbors were all of his old friends I use to also know. He went to every single person and told them I used my floor as a toilet, and left my own turds on my floor...He was running around telling everyone, thinking it was the funniest thing ever.

 

I was chasing after him to stop him, unsuccessfully. I end up admitting to it and yelling out to them, "You guys don't know the life of a student!!" something like that...blaming how really busy I am having so much work to do...

 

People came inside, looked, and everything. And I just stood there embarrassed yet, more pissed off that Mr. S just ran out telling everyone, making such a sensation in the neighborhood, people coming out of their apartments and coming in to mine to see the evidence. Mr. S just then disappeared. I was angry that he would just disregard how I would feel and how he told everyone because he thought it was the most funniest thing ever.

 

Hmm.

[starrrr]

Years we have not seen each other, and months since we last spoke, I still get reminded of him in people, songs, cars, and I hear stories. This happens almost everyday or so. He still pops in my head.

 

There is times in my day I am sad and tired. Some of these times I long for him. I Miss him, or the moment i felt when I was with him.

 

There was a silent, calm, comfort when in the arms of loved ones. I can't get this through family members who are far away. They won't even like it when I want to get affectionate with them. Why do they get uncomfortable when I want to reach out to them to touch them? My sisters and mother. My father I just don't do that with, I just like being around him. I know that he loves me and the affection has been there as I grew up. My mother and sister though...it's different. My mother does this by working herself for all of us, beng affectionate being touchy probably rtires her more or something.

 

But back to Mr. ex-SO, today this guy int he bus reminded me so much of him. I am also alone at my apartment and sometimes think what a good time we could be having living together.

 

I think all these things, and then...

 

I say to myself...wait..now is this "guy" that is in Mr. ex_SO's image really who Mr. exSo is?

 

My conclusion is always no. I don't know who this real Mr. exSo is. Do i want to know? Not really based on his past actions.

 

He was never really affectionate or loving. Looking back now, and not actually being in the relationship anymore, I think that all those things he had done when we were together, talking on the phone with me, seeing me, etc were mainly "duties" that he did...Now I think that this is HIS thinking while he did all those things. I think he thought that he would fulfill his duties so that I would keep giving him that sex, that we did fairly enjoy.

 

The thing is, I thought THEN that "oh look he is doing all these things, he MUST love me then." This was often when my head questioned the sincerity and genuiness of his "love" for me....often this was when he would get "mad" at me...mad at me for the things that i "say."

 

So whatstheword...__________...that it is his "actions" that would get me angry more often, and it was my "words" that would get him often angry....

 

It's funnny cuz now i think that our different cultural backgrounds affect how we act and how we communicate, and that probably was a huge barrier for us that we knew we faced, but didn't recognize it as such at the moment...

 

So could we ever reconcile i do wonder.

 

And my answer is a negative because we both do not want to commit to something we are both so unsure of....we are both so afraid

[starrrr]

It's a new year.

 

just revied past posts. LOL! In a sad, yet its okay because we can always change, and nothings permanent---i still have hope. Yet question my ability to shrug it off and just laugh about them, LOL.

 

Life is funny.

 

And not in a whatever, ha, sarcastic, dark humor kind of way, but in a funny....being silly....laughing at my silliness....out of embarrassment, and how i have just put it all out for you, strangers, to read.

 

Whats so funny about it?

 

I hope this year, to be true and honest.

 

I hope this year to gain more courage.

 

I hope this year for energy.

 

I hope this year for strength.

 

I hope this year, for God's will to be done.

 

I have no dreams, for, dreams are for those free. I am bound by the materialistic mistakes I have made in my past---I had an advantage, but did not apply it.

 

Now I struggle, as what my parents planned for us to NOT have to ever do.

 

I did not know their vision, I did not understand, I did not trust them.

 

what am i talking about!?

 

Things are confusing, and i just need to focus on what's in front of me. One day at a time. One thing at a time, Step by step. Day by day.

 

Focus on what is right, learn wisdom.

[starrrr]

Is it possible to have too much self and world awareness?!

 

I don't know how to deal with this, it bothers me, I want to think about it, talk with others about it, not just go in circles on my own, but who would understand?

 

Most of the people around me have lives they are busy with---work and come home relax. No long talks about nothings.

 

I do hope this path I have chosen for myself will be right.

 

Now i will be job hunting. So much courage I will need at this time to just put myself out there.

 

It seems smart if I should start planning things better in my life, yet I rebel against something about it, in principle?, the idea of "planning." I don't even know what it is. Planning just seems, manipulative, controlling, etc....is it a bad idea to live life day by day? I mean I wouldn't mind working on something those days....what am i talking about? I'm not sure myself, its just I want to start owning my life...i'm crazy.

 

I have just been completely avoiding this next part of my life these past weeks.

 

I need to go job hunting now. Whatever that means.

 

I really need to think about 1. what I want to do 2. what is out there 3. how can i prepare 4. what are the next steps.

 

AHHH i am procastinating. I am pushing off the "real world", why am i doing this? I am crazy.

 

I am afraid. So so afraid. soooo scared. That I will push it off until i HAVE to. But i think, it would be more terrifying that way.....i won't be able to find any joy in it. Or at least to minimize this intense, paralyzing fear, I have.

 

I'm so afraid, who can I talk to? My sister, will just tell me things, instead of just listen.....probably cuz thats what I do to her! I just get tired sometimes of people telling me their problems, because I have this need inside of me, something stirs inside that thinks I need to solve it for them.....its my brain, its my mind that thinks in all directions AT ONCE when people share with me their issues/problems, that I immediately warn against the worst that I see (not knowing that's how it will even turn out because we just never know what happens in the mean time!! God's ways are truly mysterious) I at least really need to learn how to discern, what to say, not to say....I just have so much TO SAY sometimes! And I even think of other factors, beside what they are telling me about that...i think play a part, or other things that it reminds me of.....

 

I am just not in touch with socializing maybe.

 

Uh oh. I've made a mess!!

 

My present me is resenting the past me right now. It's all snow balled, and I need/want help with this now.

 

Help me, please! Lord.

[starrrr]

On trying to get a job....so far i have procastinated improving my resume and doing a cover letter. It's been an entire week now I have not touched any work on it. I grade myself an F.

 

But amazingly enough I sense the paralyzing fear and basic avoidance behavior of mine, but i'm just so glad I don't have that "hopelessness" that would usually accompany me in the past whenever I would screw up....

 

OKay. Perhaps I am out of touch with reality right now. Right. Yup. That's it. But hey...i'm so new at this handling emotions thing that I am still falling off it. But at least I know i'm getting better than the past years. That is a Victory.

 

Yes! I will celebrate and I must honor it. Yet I do have a longg way more to go.

 

The hardest part is the to have the continuing courage and strength to keep going, and stepping forward when I must. There's no reason for me to say no. It's just, why is it such a lonely path to go? Just to be stabilized in my own life.

 

I weep now for all that are lost, friendships, ignorant bliss, opportunities to grow and love, relatives so far away, community, possible mentors, so many moments...

 

I'm typing away now in frustration and despair, and ask myself "What have I done?!"...and another part of me says "It's okay, it's not that bad..."

 

I want comfort and peace, yet I also need the motivation....this contradiction of peace and action need to be reconciled, but how? What must I do..

 

 

 

Also,

 

Mr. S has written me another letter, after an entire year of no communication!!! He sounds so strange, and not making any sense. He's exactly the same with no change! Still jobless...and still talking about himself. He writes like nothing has ever happened. He speaks of "finding himself" and "coming out of the darK" after many years of being lost...

 

I remember one time when we were both so high as kite, blown out of our minds, sitting at night in his parked car in some alley in the dark...and he goes off rambling about somethings...sounding almost like he searched for "freedom" of some sorts....incredible for he is an able bodied man, young, and strong...why can't he find a job, a direction in his life? something...Goodness. What a drain. He wasn't looking to have a conversation....he just talked and talked...full of himself. that's what i think now. LIFE IS HARD. PERIOD. I know. We know. Life is a struggle...there's no quick answer. But there are joys abundantly given from God above throughout our life.

 

Part of me is so loyal, to love him, i've given myself to him...but a liberated part of me also, mainly, has decided to not have anything to do with him anymore.

 

To seek someone better, for a better future and life. I am confused on how to handle this.

 

I am just so awkward socially...when it comes to the unexpected and new.

 

Eff it. YOLO. Che sera sera. I feel like a child, with all my anxieties, and sense of strangeness to all things. Like a baby bird just seeing the world as it is and not knowing how to handle it.

 

I JUST NEED TO GO OUT THERE, AND LIVE IT. AND LEARN. JUST DO IT. WARINGLY, CAUTIOUSLY, AND LIVE A LIFE OF LOVE, GOOD WORK, JUST LIVE.

 

yet i want to pursue social justice...but what another restricted life that would be!

 

where does this desire to be "free" come from? how, just did Anne Moody go through all that she did and not once ask to be "free" personally...how did she stay sane through her search, fight, and journey just to attain basic civil rights? did she ever have fun? did she ever just let loose?

 

She did, didn't she...she loved her work, she couldn't get a way from it, she said so herself in her autobiography. Of course she still had fun, and how rich those moments when given must have been in light of all else that goes on.

[starrrr]

I began this journal with the intend of covering the main subject of my personal adventure of dealing with my relationship with an ex of mine i call Mr. S. I began this journal out of a need to deal with the distressing nature it had developed into in a way that would be more practical and healing for me. Talking to others endlessly about it did no good since I felt no one really understood my take on it, which is not surprising because I myself didn't understand it.

 

As of now, I haven't seen him in over two years, and have not heard his voice for a year now. The minimum contact has been initiated by him. I've decided in my mind not to have anything to do with him anymore, to just stop. I am admit blame for not giving any sort of explanation, and perhaps that is why he still contacts me.

 

He goes crazy wondering why.

 

I did not mention in my last post that I have been secretly hacking into his email account. I am guilty of that wrongdoing. That's two now.

 

I am suspicious that he figured it out and thats what promted him to write me a letter, knowing i was still somewhat interested!

 

I felt so caught when I received his email.

 

I want to live in reality now, no more fantasies....

 

I was overly attached during our relationship with one another, for one reason or another. And i flipped when he would break up with me. Why? He made it a little bit out of his own insecurity and my own inattention to the dynamics of our relationship, ignoring signs, and just pretending everything was okay.

 

To be fair, I treated our relationship with less real emotions, and more just as companionship. I admit though there was physical intimacy, it lacked real connective intimacy. I just never quite formed that with people.

 

Perhaps people more or less just respected me in the past and that's why they were friends with me, not because of the intimacy I provided. I didn't mind those friends who were more innocent and didn't allow that to diminish their affections to me, i will remember them always. Anyways.....

 

We were so different also, culturally, in every aspect of our lives....our lifestyles, values, beliefs, worldview, and emotional maturity. I was the immature one.

 

As how I have been acting still demonstrates my emotional immaturity to this day.

 

I mean, I always wanted him in the past when he broke up with me to just give me a real honest open talk to his reasoning why....i thought I deserved that much!

 

I've been a bit cruel in these past years completely ignoring him with no words at all as to why......

 

All I ever wanted before, now I was denying him of it....just an honest open reasoning as to why i'm doing this.

 

Now what was I thinking to completely ignore him?

1. "I justified that he didn't love me anyway, he doesn't care"

2. "I'm too weak and vulnerable to see him now"

3. I feared falling back into old habits, I was not ready to confront him.

4. I felt hate for him. Okay, i was mad, because it seemed all he does is talk, and never follows through with any proactive actions.

5. Mad at him and mad at me for being a fool all those years.

6. Fear of falling back into the illusions of "love" and be caught up in it and lose focus on my future goals.

7. I did not want to see what he may have become...and be disappointed.

8, I wanted time to really figure out what I truly felt about him, us, and all else about my life.

9. I wanted to be alone to deal with all that was happening coming back after being gone so long, and fixing my situation in life at that moment.

10. Him in my life would interfere with my goals because I would easily want to focus on him instead of focusing on me.

 

They may be legit reasons, but the fair thing I should have done is tell him from the beginning.

 

Because of my own fear of my own shortcomings, I didn't. I was being sellfish, and now its still messy.

 

It could've turned out better, like me not harboring these guilty feelings inside of me if I had just been clearer in the head....

 

I was distressed when I made the decision, and did not go back to reevaluate.

 

It's a big deal because any human relationships we have should be treated with much respect....because i do believe and see it as such that others are us, they are us, we are them. When it comes to making difficult decisions, we just have to base it off a deep belief.......

 

Mine will be out of honor and respect for him...as I would preferred to be treated.

 

All right I plan to meet with him soon. Say...next week and settle this once and for all.