Letting it out

[Gracelove]

So I have a cousin, and I love her dearly. She's sweet and we get along really well.

I stayed with her after my rape.

I called her, a few times, after leaving the state. She didn't return my calls though, and that was unusal.

I was later told by my mother, that her son, a diagnosed sociopath, is in prison for rape.

She's been on my mind a lot lately.

I called her today and actually got a hold of her! I've been sad lately, and just hearing her voice made me feel so happy.

The beginning of the conversation was normal, light-hearted, and fun.

She then told me she has three grandchildren. I was shocked because I thought she only had one grandchild!

When explaining how her 3rd grandchild came into the world....she told me that her son, " ....took a girl under his wing and...Well....he um...manipulated, took advantage of her, but it was more of an age thing really".

Then she talked about putting money in her son's account, so he can buy things in prison.

Since I'm not supposed to know he's locked up, I asked why he's in prison.

She told me he got 3 yrs for 2nd degree rape, etc (I don't remember the other charges he plead guilty to).

Then she told me, "...he had done the real thing a few times before so it finally caught up with him, and he's okay with it in his heart".

?!?!?!?!?!

So according to her, even though he plead guilty to rape, what he did wasn't the "real thing". And s ince he has done the "real thing" several times before, it's only natural that it would finally catch up to him, and that he get 3 years in the pen.............

When I wanted to report my rape, I asked my cousin if she would go with me. She refused to go.

 

She said I should forget about it, and just forgive the person who raped me.

She had a short talk with me, where she tried to talk me out of reporting it.

And in those moments she didn't care about me, or my recovery. I now know she was only thinking about her son, a rapist...and how she didn't want his victims to go to the police like I was going to. And that hurts.

It wasn't until earlier this year, that I realized her son had probably raped someone before.... now it's confirmed.

I'm feeling so many things right now.

* I love my cousin so much, and I realize that she's grieving right now.

* I don't like her trivializing her son's crimes. Using the word "manipulated" instead of "raped".

* Listening to her talk about her son, reminded me of times when people said things that made me feel invalidated.

The way she referred to the girl he raped....like she was a problem. She didn't even mention her name.

He is a sociopath. This boy can play normal like no one you've ever met before.

If I hadn't seen his true side, I would think he's a nice human being.

 

I know my cousin is greiving. She doesn't deserve this, she is a good person. For years she has tried to save him, and she never gives up. He's a monster, and he scares her. But she won't let go of him.

She's his mother, I understand.

But she enables him, and that....makes things worse.

 

He'll be out of prison soon.......then what?

 

She knew he was out there raping girls/women, she knew this....all this time she knew, and all this time she did nothing.

 

He had been in trouble with the law for other reasons...

why didn't she just leave him behind bars?

She always bailed him out.

She put herself on the line to protect him. But he wasn't the one who needed to be protected.

 

But what about everyone else? What about the lives he is destroying? Don't the other people count? People like her cousin, who she says she loves.

 

I just want her to understand, what it feels like to be on the other side of that equation.

I know she has seen it. When I was staying with her, she saw it.

And she was so wonderful to me.

I just want to feel close to my cousin. I want everything to be fine between us. I love her. I don't want her to abandon her son. But I want her to understand that when she makes it seem like rape is nothing, it hurts me. Because rape is so devestating.

So ya, that's it I guess.

[Sanesoul]

There are some people out there that will defend their children to the death, even when they are criminals. Minimizing it in their minds to ease the pain.

 

I'm sorry your cousin is like this. I too, know the pain of rape, and it is one of the worst feelings in the world.

[trezz]

denial can enable people to cope with impossible situations.

 

i worked with a woman whose son went to jail for raping children........mummy said it's not his fault???????????

 

she actually invited myself and my three year old round to her house while he lived there......i could neither answer nor speak to her except when essential for work after that.

 

i dont know how to help your friend, but are you seeking help for you from professionals?

[trezz]

link removed

 

The majority of Rape Crisis Centres provide a telephone helpline service for women and girls who are survivors of rape, child sexual abuse, sexual harassment or any form of sexual violence.

 

i put this link on another thread but i hope it is helpful to you also.

[Gracelove]

Hey there Insane Heart and Trezz!

Thank you so much for your replies.

I understand....she's dealing with this the best way she can.

I understand this, so it shouldn't hurt me, but for some reason it does.

I feel like I can't trust her now. I love her, but I can't trust her.

You're right, people will defend their children to death. I feel it's okay to love your children, regardless of what they do, but you shouldn't defend their horrible actions.

The whole time she's telling me about this, she's in an upbeat mood, which made it even more difficult to swallow.

It's like, her son is fine, she's giving him money, he'll be out soon, he now says he knows Jesus, and they'll live happily ever after.

It just bothers me, because that's not the truth. It's not going to be like that when he gets out. So it's a lie.

There's no rehabilitation in prison. He's a sociopath and a rapist, when he gets out he's just going to hurt more people. That's nothing to celebrate.

I feel, that certain people in my family, don't think anything of it. As a result they do or say things that are insensitive and hurtful.

I know they don't do these things on purpose. But if they could think about things sometimes, it would make things a lot easier for me.

Most of the time I walk around like everything is perfectly fine, and when stuff like this happens, it makes it that much harder to do.

Like, for my birthday, my mom made a couple of photo albums for me. She put his picture in my album along with pictures of the girl who orchestrated my rape.

I understand that she wanted to make an album of memories for me, which is sweet. But I really don't want a birthday present that makes me think of the worse times of my life.

I don't know.

Thank you guys for listening and responding.

Thanks for posting the info., the links, Trezz. I'll check them out.

I hope you guys have a wonderful ThanksGiving!!!!!

~Grace

[trezz]

i just dont know what to say to the photo album thing!

denial all round is all i can think.

 

the woman i knew thought her son was not at fault (he said he did it so he was guilty) but fault is different to guilt? her words!

 

theres no point trying to understand some people....i think not being able to understand is a good thing.

 

you wrote beautiful sentiments to another person here, i hope you get advise as beautiful as you give to others.

[Gracelove]

Aww, how sweet! Thanks Trezz!

 

I can only imagine why the lady you spoke to feels her son is not at fault for raping someone.

I'm sure she has fabricated a million, illogical, explantions in defense of her son's devastating crime.

When a mother says, he's not at fault, he didn't mean to, that girl wanted him anyway, or he just manipulated someone......she might as well be there encouraging him while he's committing the act, the effect is the same.

 

A mother's ability to influence her child (despite their age) is something to be marveled.

 

 

 

 

[trezz]

your welcome.