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I'm 24, he's 43, married and has a 12-year-old daughter


pececito
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He's a teacher in the language school, where I learn English. He's almost 20 years older than me, he's married (although in separation) and he has a 12-year-old daughter. I feel as a silly teenager because I'm falling for him. I'm having a crush on him. It isn't falling in love yet, but it's painful. He ignores me and then he confesses very intimate things to me. He talks to me about his marriage failure, splitting up with his wife and his depression. It seems he doesn't love her anymore but he's concerned about his daughter. I offered him friendship, going out for a beer to talk but he didn't answer. I know he likes me but he told me I intimidated him. I'm asking myself now if I should seem more stupid in order not to scare men. HERE'S A QUESTION TO GUYS: DO YOU REALLY FEEL INTIMIDATED BY INTELLIGENT WOMEN? I had heard it before from a guy I liked, that's why I'm really concerned about it. That's the first problem.

And the other one is how should I get closer to him. I'm not one of THEM, one of the girls who seduce married men, who break families. I wouldn't do anything to spoil his family happiness. But they aren't happy. He's unhappy and he asks for help reaching for me with one hand. But he's pushing me away with the other one. I just want to help him so desperately. I want to be his friend. He does like me! Why does he behave as if he didn't care? Please, help!

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You say you're learning English??? Your writing would impress even a native speaker!

 

But anyway...

 

Personally, I'd try not to fall for this guy. Here's why: He's married, he has a child, there's a large age gap, there are some psychological issues on his end, and he's waffling - he can't decide what to do with you. That's a lot of strikes against him. It's fine that you're attracted to him, but due to his current emotional circumstances, he is probably very needy and would bog your life down. It feels good to serve as a shoulder to cry on for a while, but it gets old quickly. Even worse, when someone is in such dire straits, it's easy to form attachments to people you wouldn't otherwise be able to see yourself with. Thus, when the problem is removed, he might not like you as much anymore. Sorry, but it's true. There are rules in psychiatric institutions to prevent patients from getting too close to each other or to their therapists for this very reason - it may seem like a perfect match at first, but the inevitable breakup causes even more pain and heartbreak, which can be more than either party is prepared to deal with.

 

But, of course, you must do what you see fit. I can't tell you what's right or wrong for your life.

 

On the subject of intelligence, however, I do totally agree with you. I'm a teenage guy, and I have been told the same thing about my intelligence - it intimidates a lot of people. I don't try to do it or anything; it just happens. You should never have to act less intelligent than you really are just to get along better with others. If you were a model, would you hide your beauty? If you were an athlete, would you hide your physical coordination and strength? No and no. So why should you try to be any less than you are? You are you, and anyone who isn't comfortable with that is not right as a partner. Try to meet your fellow intelligentsia! Think along the lines of, "If I were a handsome, smart, confident young man, where would I hide?". Odds are you wouldn't hide in a bar or nightclub. Try looking elsewhere. Of course, there are plenty of people with average intelligence who are confident enough not to be intimidated by your intellect. They could be perfect for you as well. The world is your oyster, as they say. There's a pearl somewhere inside waiting for you.

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Hello "Little Fish"

 

I know you like this guy, but you should make sure, very sure that he's serious about you. dont try and win him at any costs.

 

I would recommend not having anything serious with him until, he can make up his mind (on his own) and if he does leave his wife, id wait another few months, yep, months, before you try and make something happen. dont make his decisions, dont tell him your breaking up becaus ehe hasnt left his wife, etc. tell him your just backing off a bit until he has decided what hes going to do.

 

I dont have anything against the age difference thing, in the west its not as common as in many other countries where its much more common and accepted. the above advice would be the same , even if you were both 25.

 

remember very important to not have a romantic relationship soon after his breakup, thats if he ever does leave his wife, he will probably try and convince you that hes over her, and that he will never go back to her, dont fall for that, time will tell! wait a few months, then youll know. but even that may be enough, (my girl friend went back to her husband after 4 years!!!).

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