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Is my Roommate/'Friend' giving me the Silent Treatment? Do you consider this abuse?


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I posted a thread about my rommate situation before, but I read an interesting article about the Silent Treatment, and was wondering if you thought this qualified, and wether you think the Silent Treatment is a form of abuse...

I transferred to a college back in my hometown this year (where my rommate goes to school). She was my very best friend in high school, and our friendship continued into college, even though I went to a school hundreds of miles away. I was hoping (and told her I was hoping) that she would be there for me during my transition to another school etc. But, we ended up in a few fights (most of them over her bieng irresponsible with money, owing me money, or bieng crazy controlling over certian aspects of the apartment).

But anyways. We haven't fought in a long, long while. But since the first one we had, she barely talks to me at all, doesn't want to hang out, wont invite me to anything etc. I feel like we aren't even friends anymore. I have tried very hard for months to try to repair the friendship, but she seems like she wants nothing to do with it. I feel depressed about the situation and unwelcome in my own home. I feel like she is trying her very hardest to try to make me feel this way, also.

I feel like I should talk to her, but I know she will have a MILLION excuses as to why- I was tired, I was depressed, I felt hurt and reacted this way etc.

Would you qualify this as the 'silent treatment'? Do you think it is a type of abuse? What is a good way to deal with this?

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What do you mean, is silent treatment considered abuse? Are you trying to make yourself feel better because she is apparently doing something to you by not doing anything?

 

In my mind, she does not wish to further the friendship, and likely wants you to leave her alone and go away. So, my advice is to do just that. Deal with the fact that she may not wish to be friends anymore and go find yourself another set of friends to lean on.

 

And if silent treatment is considered abuse, then every time a girl decides not to respond to a guy that must be abuse too, or if a guy does not ring a girl after saying he will is abuse too. Next it will be a civil rights case and you'll try to sue the other person for it.

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The silent treatment is a passive aggressive way to gain control over someone. It is a way to make them feel uncomfortable so that they cave to the person's wishes. She might want you to leave so she is making it very uncomfortable for you in the hopes of prompting you to leave. Control freaks and manipulators use the silent treatment as a way to get what they want: a sense of power and control. Since she is irresponsible with money, owed you money and tried to control aspects of the apartment, she has the typical personality of someone who would resort to the silent treatment as a way to have power over you. Just ignore her and go about your own business. The silent treatment is done by insecure people with low self esteem..think of her as a pathetic individual who is insecure and then you won't feel so intimidated by her. The silent treatment is done by people who feel out of control.

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Maybe I am trying to make myself feel better. But I disagree that she is 'not doing anything'. I ran accross an article that said the silent treatment was a passive aggressive form of abuse, used to control someone and make them feel like * * * * , basically.

I guess I'm just trying to understand why someone I considered my friend would do something like this.

I wish I was in a situation where I could 'leave her alone and go away', but I signed a 12 month lease.

If she truly doesn't want to be friends, then fine. Perhaps she isn't the person I thought she was, and I wouldn't want to stay friends anyway.

But the truth of the matter is, we are both stuck in this for another 7 months, and what she is doing is hurting me more than a punch in the gut. I feel like she should at least have enough respect for me to (a) be civil, or (b)sit down and explain to me why she is upset.

 

And I think you may be confused about what the silent treatment is- not calling someone back is rude, but not quite the same thing.

 

Hope you have a great day.

 

What do you mean, is silent treatment considered abuse? Are you trying to make yourself feel better because she is apparently doing something to you by not doing anything?

 

In my mind, she does not wish to further the friendship, and likely wants you to leave her alone and go away. So, my advice is to do just that. Deal with the fact that she may not wish to be friends anymore and go find yourself another set of friends to lean on.

 

And if silent treatment is considered abuse, then every time a girl decides not to respond to a guy that must be abuse too, or if a guy does not ring a girl after saying he will is abuse too. Next it will be a civil rights case and you'll try to sue the other person for it.

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Unfortunately I don't think there are a lot of ways to deal with people who have poor communication skills. It could be that she doesn't want to be friends anymore and is unable to effectively tell you that. Obviously the hurt in this relationship goes a lot deeper than just the silent treatment. If this is just another symptom in a friendship that has been taking a turn for the worse recently then I would say it might be time for you to not try for right now. Sometimes the best thing can be distance for two people who aren't getting along. It's not fair for you to keep trying and keep getting hurt repeatedly. You deserve more out of a friendship than that. I would definitely suggest sitting her down and explaining this to her or if it's easier for you to write it out to her. Suggest finding a replacement for her in the home and see what she has to say. This will be her last chance to try and fix the friendship. If she chooses not to you're better off in the end, you will find other friends who are more deserving of your time and support.

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Do you feel that all of the fights were her fault? It sounds a little bit like you do. Perhaps she knows this and disagrees, and has decided that it is not worth keeping the friendship any longer. I know that in my life when I have stopped contact with someone (including roommates) it was because I needed some space and that other person wanted to talk endlessly, rehash the situation, and put all the blame on me. While there are certainly things that were my fault, it takes two to argue, even if the percentage is 1% vs. 99%. We all have to accept responsibility.

 

You could try to sit down with her and talk. You could apologize for your part, however small, in the disagreements of the past. You could write her a letter if face-to-face is too difficult. Explain that you really just want to have a civil living situation, and that you understand that the friendship is different now.

 

And no, I don't consider the silent treatment abuse. I think it's a bad way to deal with things, though.

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She might just not want to deal with confrontation. I have a friend right now who I have talked to several times about the problems I have with her but she doesn't seem to take me seriously. Now she has written me an email asking what she "did wrong." I'm tired of having to explain it over and over again. The reason I am avoiding her (giving her the silent treatment) is not to be abusive or controlling...it's just that I'm tired of explaining it to her when I know she doesn't get it. I feel like she is incapable right now of getting it, so why bother?

 

Maybe your friend is just tired of being friends with you and doesn't want to analyze all the reasons because she's just done. Honestly, she doesn't really owe you anything. I know it seems mean, and I agree that she should at least say something to you since you live together...even if it's making plans to move out. But I think you're taking it too far by thinking she's being abusive. In fact, it's possible that she knows you are feeling like a "victim" and that's turning her off even more.

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Your friend probably doesn't want to be friends anymore. That is not even CLOSE to abuse. Your friend is not "obligated" to talk to you. Sounds like she just doesn't want to be your friend which is NOT abuse.

 

The concept you are talking about refers to couples where one partner ignores the other one during a fight. Sounds like you're friend just doesn't want anything to do with you, which is NOT abuse.

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  • 7 months later...

I saw this post and can relate to this. I'm currently not talking to my roomate. I don't even say high to him when I see him in school even though we have the same classes. I come home and still don't talk to him. I guess in a way you can say I'm doing the silent treatment also. I don't like the way he acts especially when he talks trash about other people's back and would not like to have anything to do with him, I just can't stand him. I guess the other posts are true, about the person not wanting to have anything to do with the other person.

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  • 7 years later...
The silent treatment is a passive aggressive way to gain control over someone. It is a way to make them feel uncomfortable so that they cave to the person's wishes. She might want you to leave so she is making it very uncomfortable for you in the hopes of prompting you to leave. Control freaks and manipulators use the silent treatment as a way to get what they want: a sense of power and control. Since she is irresponsible with money, owed you money and tried to control aspects of the apartment, she has the typical personality of someone who would resort to the silent treatment as a way to have power over you. Just ignore her and go about your own business. The silent treatment is done by insecure people with low self esteem..think of her as a pathetic individual who is insecure and then you won't feel so intimidated by her. The silent treatment is done by people who feel out of control.

 

I have been giving a roommate/"friend" the silent treatment for months. Not that I am totally ignoring her but I just don't try to engage with her anymore. She doesn't come to my side of the house either. I have had countless quarrels and disagreements with her as she tends to be manipulative at times. This is how I keep the peace in our house. Since I have lived here under her roof, she has belittled me and lied to me on several occasions. She just has a negative vibe about her at times and can be very critical. I have talked to her about it so many times that I am just leaving her alone. I am working on moving out as soon as I have the money to do so.

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