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For whatever reason, I'm having real trouble adjusting to my separation, the week-on-week-off schedule with my children living with me and being single. I am seeing a woman I fancy, not sure how interested she is. I've been separated about a year and would be divorced by now if my ex (of 24 years) would just finish what she started. She's had my draft separation agreement since early April and has done nothing with it, not even responded through her attorney despite my lawyers calls to them.

 

I enjoy the weeks that my kids are here. Its noisy, busy and fun. When they go, I go through a letdown that lasts several days.

 

Those weeks without them, I do go out. But the woman I'm seeing is, like me, very busy with work and her own life. So I'm now missing her too when (as circumstances have it) we can't see each other or even occasionally have to change plans.

 

To round it out, I work from my home, traveling for business a fair amount. But often, I'm just here, working and talking on the phone with my clients.

 

Nearly all my local friends are married and have children. So its tough to see them too.

 

Its not like I'm a shut-in though I do feel like that sometimes.

 

Just 'getting out there' is hard. Sustaining meaningful connections to those around me is way hard since my marriage ended and my family blew up.

 

I am in counseling. I wish I could say its helping more. I'm sure I'd be much the worse if I wasn't working on me. For over a year now, I've been taking anti-depressants (Celexa) with no ill effects.

 

I've never been listless, depressive and unmotivated in my life. But I am there now and feel really stuck.

 

Have others had these issues as they endured a separation, dissolution of family and divorce? I'd love to get some suggestions (beyond 'just do it') to get and stay on a more positive track.

 

Thanks,

Raoul

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I'm so sorry you are going through this tough time. I don't think there are any ways around the grief you feel. You just need to feel your feelings and have faith that time will heal you. I know that sounds empty. I hated it when people told me that but it is true. Ideally, you want to fill up your life so that you don't ruminate about the bad parts. I find that when I have a really busy day I am happier at the end of the day. When I have lots of time to think...well my thoughts always go back to my ex. So maybe when you are feeling really down, you force yourself to go for a run or something. Or you go out and buy a coffee. Or you clean out the garage. There are always things to do if you decide you want to do something. I hope you feel better soon.

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Oh, yeah, I had the same problem for months. I think that you should consider a few things that you have to commit to...Let me help you.

 

1. Join a sports team - baseball, basketball, even bowling (not a real sport but it's a team event). You'll meet new people and will have to commit to being part of the team.

 

2. Volunteer somewhere. You'll meet new people and will have to commit to being part of that team.

 

3. Join the equivalent of the PTA at your kid's school. You'll meet new people and will be expected to help with projects and you'll meet new people.

 

4. Join a book club, a movie club, or any other thing that interests you. Got to link removed to find out what's going on in your area.

 

 

See...the thing is you have to have a reason to go out. Dating shouldn't even be on your radar, but that's just my opinion. If you're in counseling and on anti-depressants, you're not in a place that it's healthy.

 

Good luck. I wish you well in rediscovering yourself. It's kind of fun, actually.

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i think exercise and sport are a great way to relieve stress/worry and meet people as well. It also helps to increase self worth and self esteem by challenging yourself and setting achievable goals. Perhaps now may not be the best time to be in a new relationship...........i know it's probably hard to be alone when you've been married for 24 years, but this is a good opportunity to find a part of you that perhaps has been hidden for a long time. Work can be a good distraction, but balancing that with leisure time is just as important. This phase of your life is about you now, about rediscovering who Raoul is.........trying new things will introduce you to new people and that in turn will take your life in different directions. That in itself can be scary.........as humans we like routine and when our routine gets interrupted, we can lose direction and become lost. But the unknown is also exciting if we allow ourselves to let go a bit

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  • 11 years later...

It might be helpful to have a reward set up for the days that your kids leave. Whether it's an activity, a plan with friends, special take-out food--whatever will give you something to look forward TOWARD rather than allowing yourself to sink into rumination.

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