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Should I confront my sister?


Rickster

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This is my first time posting on this side of the forums, but lately my sister has been inviting random guys to the house to "sleep over" once in a while. When I say sleep over I mean sleeping physically on the same bed, what goes on in there I don't know. I find it disturbing because I have every reason to suspect that she is not in a exclusive relationship with them and barely knows them for more than 2 weeks. What I know is that she was in a relationship about a month and a half back and it ended. I don't know if she is just love sick and all of this is a rebound relationship because she wants what she can't have right at this very moment but this is what I believe is happening. I deeply care for her and I don't want to see all these douchebags (most of the time they are) take advantage of her; seeing that she's an easy target to get. I don't believe she should be jumping into bed with a person whom she hardely knows.

 

 

I'll explain the relationship between my sister and I. There isn't a large age gap between us and she once said that I'm the only male who is the closest to her. To me, she is really the only person who I can really call family and in times of trouble has helped me out many times - I'm indeed grateful for all that. Sometimes we discuss about relationships and life matters and we both lead to some very different values and lifestyles, but topics such as sex is taboo amongst my family. She is old enough to make her own choices and is pretty much independent of my parents.

 

I don't know why I'm finding it so difficult to tell her this considering the fact that we are quite open to each other. Maybe it has something to do with the 'sleeping in bed and sex topic', neither do I want to point fingers at anyone without knowing the whole story and relationship between her and any of these guys. I know for a fact that she likes to be independent and I don't want to interfere with her decisions that she makes.

 

What should I do? And if I go about confronting her, how should I tell her about what I feel? I'm a bad conversationalist and I tend to bluntly, and not subtly tell people about my feelings.

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This one is tough.. how old is she anyway? It is kind of a very personal subject for most girls, but you two said you were close. You have to think realistically wether or not she would take that kind of advice in the first place, since you know her so well. I know I wouldn't have when I was younger, so thats why I wonder. Just try to expalin you're worried about her.. its seems like shes trying to heal from the relationship but not in a very safe or productive way

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Well, first of all, when you use the word "confront" it sounds aggressive. If you are concerned about your sister, just have a general conversation with her- ask her if she is seeing anyone special, if she is happy, etc.

 

Maybe she is unhappy and is using casual sex to get her mind off her unhappiness. If that's the case, I'm sure she would appreciate someone to talk to.

 

But- there is also the chance that she just has a different attitude towards sex than you do. Just because she is a woman, it does not mean she is being "taken advantage of" if she is choosing to have casual sex.

 

I think it all starts with a general conversation, and no judgment on your part. Good luck.

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I wouldnt likr random people coming into my home that I do not trust in any shape or form. What do you know about them are they honest do you have things lying about that they may be able to steal if they are of this type. She certianly doesnt know them well yet she is entrusting them in your home together where you both keep your belongings....I think you should have some boundaries in place. Is there any reason why she cannot take them back to their own place for sex or whatever. it is unfair to have to wake up to strangers in your home and wonder if they are going through your drawers or personal items if the chance arose..I would talk with her about this, although an awkward subject overall it is certainly worth some discussion and house rules perhaps...

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hm. this is tough. maybe you can ask her out for lunch and talk to her. ask what's going on in her life and get her to open up. the best case scenario would be if she asks you for 'male advice.' then you could tell her to take her time getting to know these guys.

 

or maybe you can tell her, casually of course when it comes up in conversations, about your friend "Alexis" who came home with some random guy she barely knew, and caught herpes from him and it turned out he had an angry gf as well who started calling her and threatening Alexis.

 

maybe you can come up with some way about talking to her about this.

 

but i think it's totally reasonable, if you two live together, not to have overnighters with people you don't really know well. afterall, i know of people who have been robbed that way!

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She is in her early 20's; above the legal age of consent. I cannot say that casual sex is taking place in that room... god knows. But if they sleep-over in her room, then I could suspect so. I'm not older than her but younger. We aren't living with our parents, in fact, I'm actually living with her and not the other way round. As I said, she is very independent and gets no financial support from my parents. She does offer me advice and I do take it from time to time, however, because our lifestyles are very different, I'm not sure if any of my advice or opinions are valued by her.

 

Let me explain what I mean by our differences in values and lifestyles. She's outgoing, gregarious and an extrovert. I'm the opposite, I get shy, intimidated and feel inferior with some lack of confidence when approached or approaching people. Her school of thought is that she doesn't want to waste her time on one person because she believes life is short and therefore, rather find new and interesting people. To her it is like a numbers game, the more people she meets, the higher the chance to not only find someone compatible but also to understand what she wants and does not want in a partner. To me, I like to build a strong bond with people I already know because I think that I'm wasting time and effort with "hi-bye friends" whom I know I will not talk with 5 years down the road when I could spend that time and effort cultivating my friendship with the people whom I'm close to. How I differentiate "hi-bye friends" with ones I think I can bond with are based on compatible values and on intuition. Of course it seems like a catch-22 here, how will I know if I can build a strong bond with people I'm not willing to spend time on. But if I were to play the numbers game I would be openly accepting the risk of it and I'm trained to think and be risk-adverse.

 

We both have spoken about how will feel on our values and neither of us are imposing our thoughts on each other - in fact, I like listening to different concepts and ideologies. While both of us have our differences about our concepts of life, we generally like to be independent.

 

I've seen her routine; it is draining on her life emotionally and physically - but there's really nothing I can do to support or advice her as I'm only up to undergraduate level, while she is studying for her post-graduate degree and we are in completely different fields. Normally if she has a problem she would talk to me, and vice versa. So I assume here that she has no problems in the relationship-side of life.

 

Yes, the word "confront" does seem aggressive. English is my first language and it is not that I lack the vocabulary, but I have a tendency to use not the best of words to describe something. Hence, why I can't type or speak tactfully and I just barge in bluntly.

 

All of this comes down to me just being worried about her (and a little disgusted if what I think is true). What is making this even harder is that I don't want to seem like I'm taking away her ability to decide for herself as both of us like to be independent, and neither do I want to hurt her feelings if I come out with the wrong conclusion and in combination with my horrible use of words... the equation can only be disastrous.

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There is nothing wrong with telling her your concerns about her ! No matter what her age is! The issue is: Will she listen? will your conversation with her prove productive.Letting her know that you are concerned about her well being just shows that you love her and care.If she doesn't listen to you,at least you tried.Hopefully, she will listen

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