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Why am I so insecure? (long)


Angelisa67

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I'm really starting to hate myself for this awful problem. I need to do something about it and soon or I will ruin my relationship.

 

Some background: I was married for 20 years to an emotionally abusive alcoholic and had 4 kids who are almost all grown. I am now divorced for the last 4.5 years. Just me and my youngest daughter (17) and her new baby living in the house. The last 4 years have been a bit chaotic with moving around, dating a few different guys (one for 2 years) and now things seem to be settling down. I have a great job and a great man in my life. I live near all my family and now have 3 little grandchildren that I love to pieces. Sounds like a good life huh?

 

Well the man I am dating for the last year lives in a different province but he's only 2 hrs away... but there is a $40 toll bridge between us. We both are pretty flexible so we see each other alot... probably together almost as much as apart. We took a trip together this summer and I've met all his family, he invited me to attend a family wedding with him. I know alot of his friends and he knows all my family and friends. He is not a talker much and there are things in his past that he really doesn't want to talk about... we both suffer from occasional depression so we avoid talking about the past. That's fine but it seems to me there is still a part of his life he doesn't share with me. We usually talk every day or at least chat on msn when we're not together but sometimes I don't hear from him at all. I always feel like he's up to something behind my back when we don't talk. He will kind of disappear for a day or sometimes more and has little explanation of what he did or where he was... he'll say something like 'I biked a bit' and that's it. He doesn't like me prying and asking alot of questions so it leads me to think he has something to hide. Yet he tells me he has nothing to hide from me and he loves me and he does spend ALOT of his time with me. I really don't think he has time to carry on another relationship I jsut can't understand why he is so tight-lipped.

 

Now every time he leaves my place and goes home I stress out over what he is doing and who he might be with. I hate feeling so insecure. but he doesn't help. He left here thursday at noon and I have had only a couple very short emails from him since. He has no phone right now and no internet at home so I know it is hard for him to contact me but I do know for a fact he is on the computer some but he won't log onto msn to chat. He updates his facebook status or sends me a very brief email. In my last response I did ask him about this but it will be tomorrow before I hear anything I'm sure.

 

It's so frustrating.

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It does sound frustrating.

 

How long have the two of you been seeing each other? Only over the past year? I guess my recommendation is just that you ease back a bit....

 

You have no reason, necessarily, not to trust him... yet. Maybe not unconditionally but still... I mean, if after 3 years things are as they are now, I would have a completely different outlook on this situation but since you know what past you come from and what some of the things you've decided you'll no longer put up with etc., maybe understand that he may have things like that as well....

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Sounds like something is going on. No phone or internet but he uses msn and facebook regularly? That sounds odd. Have you two made your relationship official and talked long term?

The phone thing is a long story I won't get into but I can understand why he doesn't have it and I know he'll have it back soon. He can go online because he has a laptop and takes it to work with him where he can log in to check email and stuff before and after his shift. Sometimes he's running late and doesn't have time before and other days I can understand that he has worked 9 hrs on his feet and just wants to get home and relax.

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Oh ok, well maybe he's just a very closed off person. Maybe gently pushing will bring him out of his shell. What if the two of you go someplace that he might like and you let the setting serve as an ice breaker to your questions.

 

 

 

The phone thing is a long story I won't get into but I can understand why he doesn't have it and I know he'll have it back soon. He can go online because he has a laptop and takes it to work with him where he can log in to check email and stuff before and after his shift. Sometimes he's running late and doesn't have time before and other days I can understand that he has worked 9 hrs on his feet and just wants to get home and relax.
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It does sound frustrating.

 

How long have the two of you been seeing each other? Only over the past year? I guess my recommendation is just that you ease back a bit....

 

You have no reason, necessarily, not to trust him... yet. Maybe not unconditionally but still... I mean, if after 3 years things are as they are now, I would have a completely different outlook on this situation but since you know what past you come from and what some of the things you've decided you'll no longer put up with etc., maybe understand that he may have things like that as well....

Things have advanced alot in the last 6 months. he went from being completely closed up and sharing nothing much about himself to telling me about his past and the situation he is currently in. He is opening up slowly and I know it is hard for him so I am being super patient and understanding and he always says how he appreciates that. I just wonder somtimes if he appreciates me not prying because things are difficult to talk about or because he's hiding something and doesn't have to face it as long as I don't ask.

 

I feel bad for even thinking like this. I mean, I go to his town and we go out at night, we go shopping; its not like he's hiding me from anyone. We visit his sister and his friends. I know I should be trusting him. My issue is more with myself than with him... I can't control this feeling - I have a history of anxiety disorder and am currently on medication for mild depression so I know I am likely just blowing things up in my own mind.

 

Thanks for the replies though. I think I just need someone to talk to about this stuff and I don't want my sisters to know how messed up my head is.

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My issue is more with myself than with him... I can't control this feeling - I have a history of anxiety disorder and am currently on medication for mild depression so I know I am likely just blowing things up in my own mind.

Insecurities are an almost impossible thing to shake until you find the real source of them...they are also best expressed to your partner as he should be willing to reaasure you to some extent but ultimately it is up to you to get on top of these negative thoughts...your past history will undoubteldly have heightened your insecurities and you will have low self esteem also they literally go hand in hand...perhaps you are not in a position for counselling but there are also some good books that you can read to help yourself alleviate these negative traits...its not easy but bringing it out in the open between you can be very helpful and beneficial for both of you long term..you can work on it as a team...if not controlled you already know how destructive it can be....so make the changes and try hard to overcome this...you will be glad you did..good luck..

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Ok well I got an email from him and he said very little but did say we'd chat in the morning (msn). One thing bothered me though and I emailed him back about it. He said he doesn't think he's going to bother getting a phone, maybe just the internet. I'm thinking WTH! I wrote and just asked if being able to talk to me meant anything to him. I think it came out kinda * * * * * y (which I NEVER am) so I wrote a long email after that one with a clear explanation of my feelings about a few things. I made sure he knew I wasn't blaming him for anything just that we need to talk more and I am aware of what is my own issues. I did come right out and ask him if there is a problem with us. Anyway, I'm sure he won't be offended by the second email and hopefully he will be on msn tomorrow; better that than just emails at least. I really wish I could just talk to him.

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Do You Need Reassurance? Stop It Li...
Do You Need Reassurance? Stop It Like This

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