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I had been with my boyfriend for two years and 8 months. We started out as high school sweethearts and we survived one year of college.

 

But recently we've broken up and said goodbye. It's not that simple, however, because the goodbye was not eternal. It is based on a condition. It is based on whether or not he could become a better person and come back to me as a stronger person.

 

But now days later, I worry about whether or not this was the right choice. I cry every day and every night and I can't even function like a normal person anymore. I realize that this condition of "come back to me if and when you are stronger" makes this completely up to him and it leaves me completely in the dark, always waiting and wondering. It feels like a break not a break up. This was what happened one year ago; he was the one in the dark when we went on a break. Now I'm the one in the dark. Is this what I want? Will this allow me to live my life?

 

I'm stuck... I feel like I have stopped moving forward, and now I'm just stuck between two roads.

 

One part of me really wants to call him up and ask him where we are going. I know it's difficult to answer something like this so quickly, but I've come to realize that this "break" is going to rip me apart. I can't move on if I am always wondering if we'll get back together.

 

The other part of me wants to leave this alone for however long it takes. A week, 3 weeks, months. If I am the one who calls him first, it's me again stepping up, isn't it? It's not him stepping up. I don't want it to always be me. I need someone who can step up to responsibility and take initiative. When he contacts me and how he contacts me will show me whether he is this person or not, won't it?

 

The only thing is, I just don't know if I can handle that unknown stretch of waiting and possibilities. It's going to kill me, and it's definitely going to affect my life, my studies, my friends, my well-being.

 

So I guess the real question I want to find out from him is, are we really broken up, or are we on a break?

 

If we are on a break for too long, I will either break down into pieces, or I will try to move on. The first is obviously bad, so I would want to try the latter: forget, bring on changes, and become stronger. I've already gone through one bad break up before (he was my first love and we were together for two years and after we broke up I was suicidal), so I believe I CAN move on with time. Maybe I'll find someone else, maybe I won't, but I can't sit in one place and wait forever. But if I do this during our break, the consequences of it are bad. If he ever ended our break for good, perhaps I'll be okay by then; I can move on. But if he ever said he was stronger and wanted to try to put us back together again, everything would crash and I would be back to square one. All that change, moving on, meeting new people, all of that would disappear.

 

This is my compromise: Wait another week. Do not contact him. Try not to think about him. Continue zombie-like existence where I do nothing but eat, sleep, chores, and study. Once one week is up, go in for the big question; are we broken up, or are we on a break?

 

It's not perfect. If he chooses broken up, I will definitely continue crying for a long, long time. If he chooses break, I will still definitely cry for a long, long time. Either way, this is the point in our relationship where nothing good can come out of it immediately. It will take time. But I can't think of any other way that will help me gain back my sanity and let me move on. I need to at least know which one it really is.

 

Am I doing the right thing? I obviously know this is my ultimate decision, but I wanted to know what you guys would do if you were in my position.

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It is based on whether or not he could become a better person and come back to me as a stronger person.

He has to become a better person?

 

What does that mean - why isn't he a good enough person now?

 

Who judges when he is good enough for you?

 

Are there any areas where you need to become a better person?

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Why? To answer that would require for you to step into my relationship and see all the things that have been happening. So I can't really answer that.

 

But when I mean a better and stronger person, I mean someone who can handle a long, committed relationship. Someone who will take initiative, take actions, and not just wait for things to get better. He hasn't been able to the last few months. Always making empty-handed promises. Treating me as if I would always be there for him no matter how he treated me, as if he could ignore me for weeks and then decide to talk to me whenever he felt like it.

 

The most recent thing that really put me off:

 

We could easily see each other for even just one hour any time because we go to the same college and we live accross the street from each other. A week had gone by and he never tried to see me even though he told me he missed me so much and wished he could see me. I confronted him and asked that him if that were true, why didn't he try to see me? He excused himself by saying he was really busy. I asked him what he was so busy with: he couldn't come up with anything. He is really behind in his studies (meaning he was doing things other than studying) because he always spent his days and nights talking/goofing around with friends. He was dedicated enough to drive to the gym every night just so they could play ping pong. But he couldn't spare an hour to see me? Especially when our relationship was dying?

 

And then he admitted that he had given into the temptation of getting away from it all and just horsing around with his friends.

 

Who judges when he is good enough for me? The answer is both of us, no? I've accepted him for the person he is all these years, but I can't continue doing this if he keeps neglecting me, hurting me. He knows this and told me he wants to become a better boyfriend. He had always been good enough for me, more than that actually, even when he made mistakes. But it felt like the last straw when he wasn't even trying to save our relationship. We both know that.

 

Hence why I suggested to break up. He begged not and claimed he loved me and wanted to see me and would change (we've gone through this before, a lot). When he accepted that we should break up, he asked if he could still see me and call me every day. It felt like nothing would change if we were to do that.

 

Myself personally, yes of course there are areas where I could become a better person. Like becoming more independent. I wish I could be one of those people who are in a relationship and they don't need to keep in contact for weeks or even longer for the relationship to be going strong. Not everyone is like that, and I'm not sure if I can ever do that.

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