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Do guys even ask out girls anymore?


LightbulbSun

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Something I've noticed is that people usually don't date anymore. They go on 'undates', which turn into relationships. Here's an example:

 

Example 1 - Guy approaches girl and starts a conversation. After 5 or 10 mins, he says he has to go somewhere (lunch, breakfast, whatever), but asks the girl if she wants to accompany him. She then either says yes she wants to go, or rejects the idea.

 

This seems far more common than, say, this example:

 

Example 2 - Guy approaches girl, and says, "Hey, would you like to go see a movie/go to lunch/whatever with me this Saturday." In which case, she either says yes, she wants to go on a date, or she rejects him.

 

Back when I was in high school, I thought that example 2 was how people got into relationships. However, I was just told by someone (that knows a lot about this stuff) that women don't usually go for guys that approach using example 2, and are actually turned off by it. So they'll actually reject someone using the classic "Hey, wanna go on a date?" instead of using the new "Hey, I'm going somewhere, but do you want to come along?"

 

I'm faced with the situation where I might (stress might) be asking out a girl on Monday, and I want to know if the rules have changed. The last time I asked someone out, I was 19, and I've never gotten a yes. There is a chance I'll get a yes this time; however, I want to know if I should avoid doing it the second way, in case I turn her off (this is a college-aged girl, btw.)

 

So guys, how do you ask out women? And girls, would you be turned off by someone doing it in the old fashioned way?

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Perhaps the reason that women may reject the 'proposer' in scenario 1 and 2 is that it's juimping the gun. She doesn't know the 'proposer' very well and she may feel that she's being put on the spot. Similarly the reverse gender roles may prompt the same reaction.

 

So I would suggest toning the question or suggestion of meeting again as more of a friendly 'can I get to know you?' - rather than a 'I like you, will you come and let me get to know you better on this date and time?'.

 

The difference is subtle, but it could make the difference between acceptance and rejection.

 

I think too much of an emphasis is placed on the dating scenario. If people have that psychologically in their head, that they are going to ask someone out, they may subconsciously appear needy or too forthcoming. If it is more casual and relaxed, the 'propose-ee' [sic] may feel more relaxed about accepting, as it's not a comittment rather than a chance to meet a new person more intimately.

 

Notice that I don't assign genders. I don't think the modern terms distinctly require the proposer to be male. Especially with this method, whereby it's not strictly asking someone out.

 

I've confused myself slightly, so I hope the differences make sense to you.

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Example 1 - Guy approaches girl and starts a conversation. After 5 or 10 mins, he says he has to go somewhere (lunch, breakfast, whatever), but asks the girl if she wants to accompany him. She then either says yes she wants to go, or rejects the idea.

 

 

Hmm, I've never had this happen to me. I've always given the guy my number and he's called, usually the next day or so, and asked if I wanted to go out.

 

I would be more likely to be turned off by a guy that swooped me off on a date 10 minutes after meeting him rather than calling me and arranging a time to see each other.

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Yeah I agree with pinkrobot. Its pretty standard to ask for a phone number and say you'd like to get to know her or hang out sometime.. Its less pressure on the girl because she knows she doesnt necessarily have to go on the date or even pick up, its just a phone number. Then theres the added bonus that she'll be wondering if/when you might call her.

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So I should engage her in conversation, and say "I'd really like to get to know you better?", and ask for the number?

 

(Note: I don't know this girl, so I really don't want to appear creepy by moving too fast. And I also don't know if she has a boyfriend, is straight, likes my type, etc.)

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Not moving too fast is key. Appearing too zealous is best avoided.

 

Remaining casual would be the best way to get to know her. And as you don't know her all that well at the moment, it's really not 'pretending' to act casual and as if you want to know her - because you really do.

 

So conversing about things as you do with friends, and at the end of the conversation proposing meeting again - it stays casual without appearing over zealous or, as you put it, 'creepy'.

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In my age group, I dont see many women and men going on actual "dates" instead they just hang out. That is not to say that dating doesnt happen but I think that people just tend to be less formal. In practice I think that the lack of formality makes the out more casual and less structured on a date.

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In my age group, I dont see many women and men going on actual "dates" instead they just hang out. That is not to say that dating doesnt happen but I think that people just tend to be less formal. In practice I think that the lack of formality makes the out more casual and less structured on a date.

 

I've noticed the same in my own age group. Girls don't want to "date" a guy unless they're really serious about him. Until then, it's just "hanging out". Basically, it's the same thing, but that mental distinction appears to be very important to them.

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In my age group, I dont see many women and men going on actual "dates" instead they just hang out. That is not to say that dating doesnt happen but I think that people just tend to be less formal. In practice I think that the lack of formality makes the out more casual and less structured on a date.

 

This is exactly what my friend said. He said hanging out, or 'undates.'

 

Now I'm confused. I really don't know what to do.

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Personally I think you have to use hanging out to your advantage. Hanging out means that you spend less money and you are able to keep the situation casual. Remember that the idea of dating is to get out there and find what you like. Dating women is an experience and you should enjoy it. That doesnt mean that you arent going to have bumps along the way.

 

Just like it has been mentioned here. realize that girls hang out with a guy and then when they are serious they will actually date him. Put yourself out there and hang out with different girls.

 

If you are interested in a one particular girl that doesnt mean it will be impossible to actually go on a date with her.

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The difference is a word. 'Hanging out', 'undate', 'socialising' - whatever you would like to term it.

 

The actual difference is not classifying it as a 'date' and therefore not attaching the necessary nerves and feeling of pressure to it. You're just meeting and 'hanging out' and getting to know eachother, without having to obey the 'rules' of dating.

 

It's the same thing, but it takes the pressure off.

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I see what you mean actually. It seems that the people i've known got to know eachother in a more casual sort of way (at least, from what i understood). I'm not really sure if many people approach one another with #2, i think that maybe approach #1 makes the situation seem a little more relaxed for both people? Honestly, i'm not sure. Where i am, even the words "dating/dates" weren't heard as often. I think one of my friends even said that she found the word corny at some point lol.

When two people first start making plans and getting to know eachother, i tend to see it more as- hanging out, even if the intention behind it might be different.

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Personally I think you have to use hanging out to your advantage. Hanging out means that you spend less money and you are able to keep the situation casual. Remember that the idea of dating is to get out there and find what you like. Dating women is an experience and you should enjoy it. That doesnt mean that you arent going to have bumps along the way.

 

Just like it has been mentioned here. realize that girls hang out with a guy and then when they are serious they will actually date him. Put yourself out there and hang out with different girls.

 

If you are interested in a one particular girl that doesnt mean it will be impossible to actually go on a date with her.

 

You see, this scares the hell out of me for two reasons:

 

1.) I'm a shy guy

2.) I don't know many people at my college, and certainly not women

3.) I am not a super hot guy, so my options are limited

 

It would make it easier for me if I had a number/had asked her out on a date, because I'd:

 

1.) Know for sure that I have a chance

2.) There would be less pressure, because both of us would know that there was a clear-cut line drawn that we liked each other enough to "date."

 

I am not and never will be a 'casual dating' guy. I don't like multiple girls at once. It usually goes that once every few months, I'll come accross a girl that I like. One girl. And sometimes it's not every few months, sometimes there's years in between finding these girls.

 

Also given that I have a huge crush on this girl (and the biggest crush I've had since I was 19, which was almost 8 years ago), this is a big deal. I do not want to screw this up. Yes, I realize that I might not be her type/she might be a lesbian/she might have a boyfriend/she might not want to date right now/etc, but if I have to ditch the rules that I learned growing up (that you actually ask someone out or for their number) and apply these new dating rules, all while never actually having dated anyone or been in a relationship at 26...this is all too much pressure.

 

All I want to know is how I should ask her out. I don't have a lot of options right now...hell, I'm recovering from social anxiety and dehabilitating panic attacks. I want a simple explanation (point A to point B), instead of having to go around in a circle and do a dance while trying to read the map that gets me back to point A so that I can go to point C. ](*,)

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{Risk = Reward, else = cowardice.

}

 

Choose.

 

So how do I phrase it exactly?

 

1. "Hey, I'd like to get to know you better. Can you give me your number so that we can meet up?"

 

2. "I'm doing [insert activity] on Saturday. Would you like to come along? Give me your number so we can make the arrangements."

 

I'm guessing it's number two, or something like number two.

 

(Please keep in mind I've never even been on a date, and haven't asked anyone out since I was in high school. So I'm flying blind here.)

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I'm guessing it's number two.

I would agree.

 

The worse outcome: She makes up a horrendously lame excuse to save face - you act non-chalant and move on.

 

The best outcome: A relationship blossoms. Or perhaps she gives on the way to the '[un/non]date' you find a winning lottery ticket. Who knows?

 

BTW, I hope you got the coding joke.

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I would agree.

 

The worse outcome: She makes up a horrendously lame excuse to save face - you act non-chalant and move on.

 

The best outcome: A relationship blossoms. Or perhaps she gives on the way to the '[un/non]date' you find a winning lottery ticket. Who knows?

 

BTW, I hope you got the coding joke.

 

Okay, I'll go with that.

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just talk to her for a while, make her laugh, make her smile, tell her you were gonna do so and so on saturday by yourself but you would love it if she came along. "Do you think I can get your number?" trust me!!! Ive given my number to guys I had no intention on dating but seemed nice. THEY kept in touch through text message/seeing me around and thats how I got to know them better either way. Speaking from a girl who has girl friends, there are MANY occasions on which a girl has no interest in the guy at first but he sort of grows on her after being persistent in a non creepy way. But maybe youll luck out and shell like you right away, you wont know if you don't try. Also, having a sense of humor is a key ingredient, I wont wanna hang out with a guy that doesn't seem fun!

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Precisely.

 

Your quote of Shakepeare is slightly too despairing. For this event which will see you challenge yourself, I would suggest Hamlet:

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so"

 

If successful, you can praise your courage as paying off.

If unsuccessful, you can praise your courage as paying off.

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Hi Lightbulbsun, you have a huge pile of advice to choose from so far. All of it is good and I'm sure it would all work. The only problem I can see with all this advice is, that the individuals who gave it cannot come along with you to apply it as well. Besides, if it worked for them, surely you would expect the same results for yourself, right?

 

Advice given by someone in 'how to sweep women off their feet', is like reciting a script of stand-up comedian jokes and then expecting to bring the house down because it worked for the professional comedian on TV. It is usually not the content of the joke that is funny, but rather the humor that lies within the personality of the professional comedian himself. Basically, he could read a grocery list and we would all likely laugh for no apparent reason. So the tactics that works for Joe down the street may have no effect whatsoever when used by someone else. Besides, getting to 'first base' with a woman is not about which fishing lure to use. It's about human contact.

 

As great as all of the pointers-for-success are so far, the truth is it is YOU who must stand at the podium. The truth also is, it would not matter if you stood in front of that woman stammering uncontrollably and the only thing coming out of your mouth was a recital of your own grocery list. If she liked you, it would not matter what you said to her!

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Personally, I've very rarely experienced situation #1, usually it's closer to situation #2. Though if, as you set it up, I just met some random guy on the street and he asked me out (or to something immediately), I'd be a little weirded out, no matter how attracted I was to him at that point. It's just a little too forward, bordering sketchy. A much better option would be just to get her phone number or email address, talk to her a few times, and then ask her out.

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